dr3ami3

[dr3ami3]

12/31/23

A year later and I’m back on New Years Eve on my Tumblr blog.

Last year I journaled about my fears entering the new year and I’m here to do that again. Last year I was riddled with ambition as I feared how it would carry me into this year. I come here to say that…I still carry the fear of passion and ambition.

To have so many ideas come at once is a blessing but a curse; I really don’t know how to approach the things I’d like to do and “me being me” I’m hung on a phrase “well if you’d really wanted to do it you’d done it by now.” There’s a lot I want to do. Sell my own merchandise, make videos, play with traditional mediums like sculpting and wood craving, make a comic, make earrings, etc etc.

And those are just my creative goals.

Theres also my personal goals which is a whole other can of worms. All this to say…being an ambitious person feels like a lot. And…I will talk about that in therapy.

The other thing I wanted to talk about is my fears interpersonally. I fear for how my relationships will go next year. One thing I learned in 2023 is

DO NOT DATE IN YOUR FRIEND GROUP

I truly feel like my friends like me less than before and…I feel more distant to everyone still. I’d like to be more expressive and open with my feelings but I have this feeling that no one cares you know? Which….sucks. I know the people around me care for me. I think what’s happened the last year has made me more in myself and I worry more for how others think of me…now even my friends. That’s…gonna be something I’m tackling next year.

Another thing I learned in 2023

EMOTIONALLY DISTANT PEOPLE WILL MESS YOU UP!

Two avoidant relationships clocked you BUT ITS OKAY WE WILL GET THROUGH

[dr3ami3]

1/3/2023

I’m really trying to get in the habit of journaling how I feel in the moment (I journaled a couple hours later which is a win BUT)

It’s been exhausting. Being at home while my dad looks over my mom in the hospital is exhausting. Good news, my mom is doing better! Bad news she called me multiple times to ask how everyone else was doing. I got frustrated when my older brother informed me I got his order wrong (I just wish I didn’t have to order food?) like I wish my brothers took more initiative when it comes to cleaning up after themselves, and just talking to them is frustrating. I know this is impacting them but they feel weirdly distant?

Sometimes I talk to Andres and I talk about his emotions and I feel connected to him but other times I feel like he’s somewhere else? With Carlos I feel like there’s rarely any serious moments and little things frustrate me like him asking where my brother is or one time Andres randomly walked out of a Starbucks (he was fine he was just bored?) and he seemed so laid back about it I felt frustrated? I hate..feeling like his older sibling. I hate feeling like I’m playing a caretaker role. I’m glad my parents feel comfortable relying on me but I don’t get it.

[dr3ami3]

12/31/2022 (well now January 1st 2023 YIPPEEE)

The way I’m coming on the Tumblr on holidays (the holidays truly are…an odd time for me huh) but today didn’t go as expected. Having my period didn’t help (that’s for sure) but it wasn’t horrible? Not great but not bad..??

I dunno…a part of me fears this is gonna set the tone of the year. I have a lot of good things in my life but I fear…struggling? I truly fear things not being easy. I know things being hard is normal and life would be boring and unsatisfying if things were easy but I’m terrified. I’ve been terrified of a new year despite having a stronger foundation. I’m excited yet horrified for what’s gonna come. I want to open a shop but I’m so in my head about that. I want to grow more as a person and as an artist but I’m scared. My ambitions scare me. I’m still struggling to be fully open with people (well online at least in person I open up more) I’m also just…struggling a lot with my physical health? So that’s just been rough…I’m hopeful this year I’ll find more peace but..yeah still scared

[dr3ami3]

11/25/2022

OKAY I KNOW ITS THANKSGIVING DAY and I will send my yearly messages but I wanted to quickly jot down my thoughts. Today literally went better than I could’ve ever expected and I love my friends so so so much. I’ll be more sappy later but I wanted to write how I got bummed out about Lexa’s comment to Andres.

After she said hi she said to him after years was you aren’t as f*cking annoying and that validly rubbed him the wrong way. He felt put off by that and didn’t feel comfortable elaborating why in the moment but I understand his perspective. Over the last couple of years our relationship has been fragile and so we haven’t really intertwined our friends so the fact we were all together was really really nice. When Alexa mentioned that it triggered that discomfort we’ve had and it reminded me of when I would vent to my friends about him and I didn’t think the best of my brother. So yeah :”)

[dr3ami3]

11/4/2022

I realized the frustration I feel towards my mom being on the phone has layers. Like after a tense conversation, hearing her get on the phone feels like it didn't affect her. I know it isn't true..which is something I need to challenge but it frustrates me. Some moments I wanna unwind in the car and my mom being on the phone makes me more tense. I can't help but be jealous of her relationship with her family like...the way she talks to them..I fee like I've ruined things so that we don't talk like that.

[dr3ami3]

11/1/2022

It’s been a weird couple of days (highs and lows for sure.) Saturday I misunderstood some plans, got overwhelmed and ended up crying my eyes out. I didn’t feel like I was worthy of seeing my friends and I felt too ashamed to speak (but I managed to open up and I went.)

Today wasn’t too bad up until the night time as I don’t know what to do about my living situation. I wish I could just live in the dorm. I don’t see why I don’t want to I just wanna suck it up and just do it. I feel like I’m making things harder than they need to be and I just..I don’t know how I feel other than overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel like walking around campus is nice but most of the the time I feel this small feeling in my head like I don’t belong and especially in my dorm. If I were to cook for myself I’d stress over what to cook but I hate how the meal plan on campus is a gamble and I’m hoping it’s things I like/I hope I don’t get hungry later.

The idea of living with my roommates next semester stresses me out regardless of them being incredibly kind people- it’s all just me. Mentally just living with people I don’t know gets to me and I know I could resolve that by talking to them but it doesn’t feel…right I don’t know. If I go back home I’ll be stripped of freedom again and I’ll have to rely on my parents for rides. If I lived with Dulce I don’t mind taking the bus or having to walk or having to stay on campus all day ideally I’d love living with them. I know that..in most scenarios I’ll be giving something up :”) but. Yeah.

[dr3ami3]

10/29/2022

I AM MENTALLY UNWELL.

That’s it.

That’s my post

[dr3ami3]

10/20/2022

Today was rough. I had therapy today which..helped in the sense that I really let myself feel things out. I ended up crying most of my session and I left my session battling suicidal thoughts. 

It was strange...I felt that way since I just wanted a break. A moment to catch my breath. I was tempted to fall into old habits like under-eating to avoid my stress around my diet and just isolate myself but I can’t bring myself to do it. I want to work on things..but I feel like there’s so much. I don’t fully understand how I feel either which is getting to me. I like being on campus but I don’t like living on campus. I don’t think it’s my roommates but it’s an internal issue. I like having my own space but I never feel like I do when my roommates are there. It’d be different if I knew my roommates but..I don’t know. I know things are rough at home but I’d rather be someone who drives to school. Even if it takes more time, even if that means not going to school events (which I don’t even go to really...) 

I just...feel so overwhelmed. I just want a moment to take everything in. I have this constant thought of wanting to hide in a bubble and just...breathe. My school work isn’t overwhelming me because of the material but how long it takes for me to complete my tasks. I wish eating was easier..but it’s not. I love being around people and my college friends are nice, but sometimes I wish I was around people who just..know me. Yes my college friends are getting to know me but (honestly it’s one of my friends from art) where I feel like I need to carry the conversation.) 

On the other hand, there’s the creative projects I want to follow and I want to explore myself creatively but I don’t have the energy and I’m struggling to make time/push myself to even start. I have a college friend who is creating things and I’m so envious for her. I wish I could..and yeah. 

Going back to campus life, I can’t tell if it isn’t for me or I’m just running away. I need to push myself to get comfortable and make the space my own. I haven’t given myself time and I need to go until next semester. But..I’ll see where next year takes me. I’ll..see where next week takes me. I’m highly debating on having another session next week if Evelyn is available (but I don’t want to throw off our schedule so..I’ll see? 

[dr3ami3]

10/15/22

So I’ve been really overwhelmed. Fortunately school-work  has been okay (I feel like I could be trying harder but I think it’s fine considering I’m juggling other things). Since the summer I’ve been struggling with my social life. I would add a lot on my plate. I’d take any opportunity to hangout with my friends even if that meant multiple hangouts in one day. 

Now I’m struggling to balance my college friends and my friends back at home. I enjoy talking to my college friends and I try not to overthink but having to coordinate going back at home with hangouts is draining. I go back home every week (the weeks I go to therapy or things happen to pop up so I gotta go back home). Am I going home too much? Am I ruining my college experience with this? God why does a part of me regret moving out and living in a dorm despite my familial issues? I miss cooking, I miss going on-morning walks, I miss going to the gym-I like Houston but I don’t feel in control of my routine and I feel overwhelmed constantly. I feel like I need to socialize all the time. 

My body has been another hurdle. I..feel so uncomfortable in my body. Through my clothes, I can tell I’ve gained weight. I’m falling back into the mentality of “I’m failing to take care of my body.” I just want to be at a comfortable weight...but I’m not. My body feels foreign to me, sometimes I’m just sitting and I feel uncomfortable in my sitting position. I just don’t feel like I can enjoy food like everyone else. I feel so out of control and I want to understand my body...I want to understand if this is me or if there’s a health issue. I know there’s the notion of feeling comfortable in your body at whatever weight but this isn’t a comfortable weight for me. 

Finally there’s allegations that my favorite content creator (possibly? the situation is so iffy) messaged a minor in 2020. I don’t know what to believe as the situation is still happening but supporting this creator doesn’t feel right right now. I don’t know the future of this scenario but right now I’m grieving. I feel stupid for supporting him, I feel stupid for the comfort I found in his content despite the good things that came out of the experience. I just feel so stupid and I’m trying to reject this. I’m trying to deny this is happening. I didn’t need this on my plate.

I know obstacles are gonna come and I know they add to life but why am I so scared? Why do I have to stay in my comfort zone? Why can’t I just go on? I wish I could feel more and cry more instead of keeping it all in. I want to cry and just feel it out and draw it out but I just can’t 

[dr3ami3]

10/11/2022

So I’ve been feeling uncomfortable with food and my body again. It’s hard to shake…feeling like I’m not taking care of myself because of how my body looks and feels. I look at photos at myself where I restricted myself (avoided dairy like yogurt and bread) and under-ate and I miss that body. I miss the body I had when I didn’t constantly think of food. I miss the body I had when I wasn’t taking of myself. I don’t get what I’m doing wrong or what’s wrong with me because I feel like there’s something wrong with me. I make an effort to take of my body, I make an effort to get in my nutrients and I try and exercise (even if it’s harder because the on-campus gym is always full I try and exercise) I don’t feel in control of my body…I feel like it’s against me. I just feel like I can’t enjoy food like other people my age. I want answers. I want to know if it’s just…me or I have some underlying health issues. I really don’t know if I can handle gaining more weight..it’ll trigger my physical and emotional health. I can’t even just sit comfortably in my body…I feel uncomfortable with every part of myself. I want to lose weight for my physical and mental health.

[dr3ami3]

9/28/2022

It’s okay to be nervous about your drawing class. It’s okay to struggle with critics even if it comes from a good place. You’re not a weak person for struggling with that or even getting anxious about it (even if it’s hard to manage the anxiety.) Go in and do your best (and you can listen to music so if you really gotta ease your nerves you can listen to music!!) but you watched a video and that’s gonna help your approach!!

[dr3ami3]

9/27/2022

I feel…really unmotivated? I’m gonna push myself to go to the gym and see what I decide to do there. In general…I just feel very unmotivated and I can’t tell if my hormones being off from not taking my birth control but I’m just gonna try and take it easy today :”)

I’m excited to see Margo today at least but right now I don’t feel…motivated or eager to take care of myself. I know it’s a not motivation but discipline but since I started living on campus things just feel like they take more energy to fulfill so I feel less inclined to do it. It sucks…Taking care of myself feels more like a hassle than self care and man I’m trying to talk myself down about my art class and my midterm. I’m trying to tell myself it’s just a midterm and it’s my first art class I’m doing my best!! Plus I have the weekend!!

[dr3ami3]

9/24/2022 (Part 2)

Maybe I want to rekindle things with Monica? The idea of sharing things with her and celebrating things with her is something that I miss? I miss it a lot sometimes. I feel like I’m closer to the person she knew I could be and that makes me happy :”)

It feels wrong of me to reach out to her and talk to her casually when I said I didn’t wanna rekindle things. It almost feels like I’m playing with her emotions? The idea of her being back in my life feels weird too..like it was Cam and Monica for so long and so…what’ll it be now? I know I’m getting ahead of myself there but it’s weird to think of us knowing each other again. How would that go? I’m gonna talk about it in therapy for sure but..it doesn’t hurt to try? I’m also gonna be transparent even if I feel a little ashamed but it’s okay cuz..being honest with myself is gonna help me challenge myself (plus this makes sense I seek people’s praise) but I’ve been posting somethings on my story hoping she’ll see them and comment on them. Sometimes I hope Nicole sees my stuff too? I doubt she even cares and I shouldn’t care either so I try and just go about it like that

[dr3ami3]

9/24/2022

I know I said college has been great and it has but…I dunno when I’m away from school I’m sad to go back. I dread going to class sometimes or having to do homework and it’s not like I want things to go back to how they were but I miss parts of my life? Sure I love the new parts of my life but I feel like I’m a machine. I feel like I’m just going through the motions and sometimes I find some gems but other times I’m just going along with things. I’m gonna really miss Lizzie and just being in there company. I dunno it’s..a weird time in my life. I don’t feel sad and I feel happy at times but I wonder if I’m repressing things or if I’m actually okay. I leave my therapy sessions wondering if I’m actually doing well, you know?

[dr3ami3]

9/9/2022

(Decided to do these little updates here!!)

So I’ve started in person college 3 weeks ago and honestly that’s been great? I think..being out and walking around, being around people and it being a different experience each day is great (to be honest I’m shocked I’m saying that?) it’s been hard for sure though…like I’m happy to navigate my life but adjusting to my routine or..a routine is so hard..that and balancing a social life oh my god—

I wanna make more time for myself and also my studies? I dunno I’m going to extremes socially and I gotta set my foot down? I gotta make time for myself because I’m feeling mentally exhausted each and everyday. Yet..I dunno I feel happier to be there than at home. I need to minimize my time at home (I love my family but..I just don’t feel familiar here and my relationship with my mom is rough right now) I also feel too reliant when it comes to going home? I’m scared people are gonna judge me which okay I shouldn’t be concerned about—but I really do be a people pleaser

Also I’m holding onto my free time LIKE DREAM TEAM PLEASE MEETUP I MISS YOU GUYS. I like having the steamers in the background knowing I can just go to them, you know?

I hope September gets better..it hasn’t been horrible but just..overwhelming?

[dr3ami3]

GUESS WHO’S BACK

BACK AGAIN

[dr3ami3]

🤪🤙I’m also so mad at my mom ahahahah