dragonsareaces

[dragonsareaces]

My perfect thick idiot son, Calvin, who has never done anything wrong in his entire life except today when I let him climb my young redbud tree and he went to the highest branch and wedged himself in the crook of it and wouldn't budge and he's so big I was afraid that he might break the branch so I had to get a stepladder and get him down while the neighborhood jays that come by for peanuts whenever they see me in the yard freaked out and sat screaming on the fence to warn me that there's a snake very near me because I'm obviously too stupid to see it and clearly in mortal peril.

[dragonsareaces]

all information you've been told, and all information you've independently discovered has been intended for you to find it

you too bro, have a nice evening

[dragonsareaces]

Choose a different profession or group to receive a standard discount instead of the military — you only get one

[dragonsareaces]

today someone asked me what my favorite even-toed ungulate is… god, who could decide?

[dragonsareaces]

I... DONT... LIKE... CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [MY TELEKINESIS THROWS EVERYTHING ACROSS THE ROOM] [I SEE MY ITEMS STREWN ABOUT THE ROOM AND GET EVEN MORE UPSET]

[dragonsareaces]

so net-mending season (may/june) in alaska is the worst part of the year imo because all we do all day every day is look for tiny holes in ENORMOUS nets to make sure the little tiny fish can't escape.

all day, every day, smelly nets, staring at them, never ending. it's already enough to drive a person to madness, but one of my coworkers used to EXCLUSIVELY play nightcore & rave bop bruno mars remixes when it was his day on the aux. starting at 7:30 am. and on those days i swear i had out of body experiences.

i've told people about it before but i didn't know i had any examples of it until just now my phone showed me a "on this day four years ago" memory.

[dragonsareaces]

one of my favorite moments of my mom is when i made her play undertale in 2021 on the switch and when she fought mettaton for the essay question “what do you like most about mettaton” she (agonizingly slow with the on screen keyboard) typed out “his sparkling wit”

[dragonsareaces]

dont let the heatwave make u stop eating soup. the time for cold dessert soups is upon us. u must always be soup maxxing

[dragonsareaces]

[dragonsareaces]

you ever been milked big time?

I was the only almond at Silk for 5 years

[dragonsareaces]

NO! Thinking their negative thoughts privately will kill the patient. She needs bitching and whining to live

[dragonsareaces]

Kind of a Reddit AITA post but sometimes it is a little funny to fuck with people in ways that deliberately conform to a stereotype of what they must think of you. the other day I was talking to my friend and I randomly said that I wanted a pet chimpanzee. I'd dress it in person clothes (dungarees and hats) and I'd teach it to love science fiction. And this girl nearby was like "you know how dangerous those things are, right? Also how unethical it is to keep an ape as your pet for your own amusement" and I was already seeing where the conversation was going so I was pretending ignorance like "yea but it wouldn't just be for my amusement. It would have practical points too." And she ignored that statement entirely to say "Well chimpanzees can rip faces off" and I was like. What's the most frustrating thing I can say now. Finally settled on "Mine wouldn't do that though." and you could tell she wanted to hurt me very very badly. Like a chimpanzee would if I had one as a pet

[dragonsareaces]

It's important to drink a lot of fluids when you're sick so that your body has the raw materials to generate gallons of snot.

[dragonsareaces]

recently my plug has offered free weed for:

bunch of ice

mw2 double xp tokens

[dragonsareaces]

Trans people don't need to disclose that they're trans to you before you date them but i definitely think cis people should start disclosing they're cis instead of just saying "im a girl/boy" cause dating a cis person is a commitment not everyone has the time for. Like buying a bird

[dragonsareaces]

add yours!

[dragonsareaces]

I love it when women tell me they just finalized their divorce. ESPECIALLY older women. The correct response is always “congratulations” and they always seem so pleasantly surprised, they just seem to light right up and talk about how happy they are, what their plans are, how well they’re doing. I’ve only ever met like 1 person who was upset to be divorced and it was a middle-aged dude. Second most exciting is young men. A 25 year old guy says he just got divorced and you go “congratulations” and he SMILES? You KNOW there’s a story. I love it. People should get divorced more