dreamer-indisguise

[dreamer-indisguise]

Day 2 (technically?)

March 18, 2021

I knew I was going to give up on the daily updates eventually. But I definitely didn’t think that I’d stop after day 1...

Truth of the matter is, I had told my best friend that I was starting this blog and his response was “just don’t give up on it. I know how you are” and that made me feel really shitty. Also now that I’m typing it, I just want to give up again.

I got a new keyboard yesterday. The SteelSeries Apex Pro. Sexiest fucking keyboard I’ve ever owned. That’s why I came back to write this blog post. I just wanted something to type because I never get to type long-form.

Life has been kinda blah recently. Last weekend, I had a date with a guy and it went really really well. We just spent the night cuddling on the couch and watching movies. There was something about him that just felt “right” and despite telling myself not to, I asked him to be my boyfriend. Yes... first date. I’m angry at myself for it. I always move too fast and it never works in my favor. However... he said yes.

It was quite the 12 hour relationship. He was supposed to come back the next night to hang out, but he sent me a message to cancel and then shortly after told me that he “wasn’t ready for a relationship or dating” and that he “had a lot of growing up to do”. I want to know what happened between the time that he left and the time I received that message. It honestly came out of nowhere because we had had such a good night and he looked like (and said that) he was having a great time. Was he lying to my face from the minute he walked into my apartment? Was it something that I did to make him feel this way? I guess I’ll never know.

Until the next time I feel like typing, I guess.

[dreamer-indisguise]

Day 1: Let’s go.

January 11, 2020

Now that you know a little bit about me, let’s go into my current thoughts and feelings about this day. I’m going to try and recount my day as closely as I can, starting with how I’m currently feeling. 

Tonight hasn’t been great for me, mentally. It’s currently 3am on Monday, January 11, 2021. I have to be up in 4 hours to go to work. I’ve basically resigned myself to staying up all night to try and reset my sleep schedule. My brain is going crazy with thoughts of my family and the recent terrorist attacks on the Capitol. Yes, they are somewhat related... but we’ll leave that there for now.

Starting in on the morning of Sunday, January 10th...

I stayed up too late playing video games. Shocker. So I didn’t wake up until close to noon. I felt like a zombie when I woke up. I had gotten like 10 hours of sleep, so it’s not that I was tired... I just didn’t feel “good”. My sister had her boyfriend over last night. He’s not my favorite person, so I stayed in my office for most of the day before, just to avoid him. 

I laid in before for a little bit after I woke up. Watched some TikToks and caught up on notifications. I wish I could be one of those people who doesn’t look at their phone first thing in the morning. Although I’m sure I’d miss something important if I ever tried. Just last week, my coworker called out because his wife had been taken to the ER and luckily I woke up early enough to see the e-mail and make it to work before 8am. (I was supposed to be working from home last week.) But I digress.

While scrolling, I saw a post on Facebook that was the most “American” picture ever. A family friend had a baby shower yesterday and one of the gifts that she received was a “My First Rifle”. Like... what in the white conservative hell? Obviously, I had to send a screenshot to my friend who lives in England.

After a little while, I got up and made some coffee. Making coffee at home is something relatively new to me. Back in one of my previous apartments, I used to make coffee occasionally... but more often than not, I would forget about it and leave wet grounds in the coffee maker for weeks. It got all moldy and then that’s all I could picture whenever I thought about making coffee. I cleaned it thoroughly, but still couldn’t get my mind around the thought that I was still ingesting mold spores. This is a regular occurrence and something that I really don’t like about myself.

I’ve been playing a lot of Stardew Valley recently. It’s just such a chill game that I can waste hours and hours on. A few days ago, I had sent a text to Peter and said: “I think the reason that I like Stardew so much is because it’s a productivity simulator.” For anyone who doesn’t know, Stardew Valley is basically Farmville meets Animal Crossing meets Harvest Moon. You run a farm with crops, animals, and fish. There are overall objectives, but essentially you do whatever you want. Every day in-game starts with watering your crops, selling grown crops, feeding/milking your animals. Then you do whatever you want to do that day. It’s raining, so why not go down in the mines and look for some diamonds? Bring the town’s residents some gifts and try to max out their friendship level. Then once it’s night, you go to bed to do it all over again. It’s the repetitive-ness that draws me in. I don’t feel that I have a handle on my real life... but Stardew allows me to simulate what a healthy routine would feel like.

I probably played Stardew for about 10 hours yesterday. Writing that was a little scary. I know it isn’t healthy... but it’s my escape.

At some point, my sister and her boyfriend left and went to his apartment. While saying goodbye, Amanda let me know that she’d be back some time on Wednesday so, you know... yay being alone. Before I moved in with her back in October, I was living with my grandparents. It was initially just supposed to be for a few months after a job change messed with my financials and I couldn’t afford to pay rent. But my financial situation didn’t get any better, so I ended up living there for 2 years. It was only thanks to the 2020 quarantine that I was able to start saving money to find my own space. The plan at the beginning of the year was to find a place with Peter, but that didn’t end up working out. My sister had just graduated high school and was ready to leave the toxic environment that is my father’s house, so we decided that we should live together.

Early in the afternoon, Peter asked if I’d bring him home from his friend’s house later that night. Peter doesn’t have his license, and I don’t mind taxiing him around if it means I get to spend time with him.

Now is probably as good a time as any to let you know that I enjoy recreational marijuana. Mostly edibles, because I can’t smoke in the apartment.

After I got that text from Peter, I figured that I had just enough time to eat some edible gummies and they should be worn off by the time I had to pick him up. I was, unfortunately, mistaken. Around 8pm, after playing a few hours of stoned Stardew, I left to go get him and realized that I was still pretty high. Driving ever so carefully, I managed to bring him home safely.

Guess what I did when I got back home! Did you say “play more Stardew”? Wow, how’d you know?!

A few hours of Stardew later and it was getting late... but I wasn’t tired. So I did what I do every night: crawl in bed with my cat and scroll through TikTok or watch some YouTube videos. I went to watch a BrandiTV video because her videos are hilarious. She takes way too much edibles and then does crazy makeup tutorials. Highly recommend. (See what I did there?) Before her video was an ad for “Jour”, which is a guided journaling app. They ask you questions about your feelings and then you write responses based on the prompts. It was pretty cool, but for $60/year... no thank you. 

When answering their questions, all I could think was: “I don’t want to write short responses. I want to be able to chronicle my days.” I consider myself to be an okay writer, but I hadn’t ever really sat down and written anything (other than for school). So I cancelled the free trial and opened up my second Tumblr. 

That brings us to now. It’s 3:48am and I should be sleeping. My UK friend just messaged me as he’s getting ready for work and was surprised that I’m awake. Guess I should go try and get a few hours of sleep.

Thank you for your time.

[dreamer-indisguise]

Day 0: Introductions?

January 11, 2021

I’ve been thinking of starting this for a few days now. Okay, actually the idea has been in my head for quite a while. I’d like to document my life and thoughts in a truly anonymous place. If anyone happens to read this, welcome. My brain is not a happy place. My overall objective for this blog is just to get these thoughts out of my brain. So let’s get started.

In keeping things anonymous, I’m not going into too much detail about myself or where I’m from. Let’s keep it vague, yeah? You can call me Chase. I’m a demisexual homoromantic 29 (soon to be 30... ew) year old male-identifying human living in the northeastern US. I’m a little overweight and growing bigger by the day. I work in higher education, but not in a teaching capacity. I just sit in front of a computer screen for 40 hours a week clicking away at my mechanical gamer keyboard. Clearly not its intended use -- thanks, COVID. It’s not the greatest job, but it pays the rent.

I was going to get into my family life, but I think we’ll just leave that stone unturned for now. All that’s relevant today is that you know that I’m the “ugly duck” of the family. The child that never quite fit in and clearly wasn’t the favorite. 

My roommate is my adopted sister. Let’s call her Amanda. We share a 3 bedroom apartment with my cat, Sass (also not her real name, just my favorite thing about her). Amanda’s pretty okay, but we weren’t all that close growing up. She’s from my father’s side of the family and I’ve alienated myself from them for most of my life. Our apartment is kind of small, but she’s always staying with her boyfriend most of the time... so it’s just me here left to my thoughts. 

What else should I mention...

I have a best friend whom we’ll call Peter. I’m madly in love with him and I’m pretty sure he knows it. We’ve been friends for 4 years and up until a month ago, he identified as straight. Nowadays he leans more towards pansexual. I was so excited that he felt comfortable enough to tell me first, but oh boy... the news hurt me. Before, I used his heterosexual-ness as an excuse for why he didn’t like me in a “more than friend” sense. What excuse is there now? My deranged brain likes to jump straight to my looks... my weight... And while I understand that he probably just doesn’t have those feelings for me, the little voice inside my head refuses to accept that that could be the case.

Quick change of subject. I’d like to introduce something that you may see quite often in my writing. I’ve decided that I want to hold myself accountable for all of the times that I consider quitting. It just happened while writing that last paragraph. I almost deleted the entire post because... well I’m not entirely sure, to be honest. So to point out to myself (and to you) when those intrusive thoughts show up, I’m going to put a little *STOP* in the writing. It could happen at any time. It could happen in the middle of a sentence. But I’m just going to throw it in and continue writing. 

It’s 2021. Time to change things. I’m almost 30, for fucks sake. So here it goes... my daily diary blog thing. Let’s do this shit.

Thank you for your time.