dreamerdoesthewritething

[dreamerdoesthewritething]

Have you ever felt yourself fading away into someone's memory?

The agony of desperately reaching out, of trying to hold onto them because you don't want them to leave you, to become a memory to you.

The pain of reaching out with shaky hands and quivering lips, wishing you could retract your claws and hide your fangs because you don't want to hurt them, you just don't want to lose them, and the urge to sink your teeth into them and not let go is so strong that this is all you can manage.

You don't want them to see you like this, so as desperate as you are, you retreat to solitude. It's easier to convince yourself you're just a memory if you keep your claws to yourself. Don't reach out. If they want you, they'll reach for you.

Have you ever let yourself suffer a self-fulfilling prophecy?

[dreamerdoesthewritething]

More angsty writing.

It's like I'm a teenager again.

[dreamerdoesthewritething]

Wanted to share this poem I created today.

It's a screenshot because I wanted to preserve the format it had in the Word doc.

Ignore the green underlines lmao I just realized I didn't clear them before taking the screenshot.

(in my head I hear the lead singer of Icon For Hire singing some of these lines XD)

[dreamerdoesthewritething]

Saw Transformers: Rise of the Beasts recently. Had seen Bumblebee either earlier this year or sometime late last year, I think.

It just makes me want all the Autobots to bond with their own humans tbh.

Like maybe they all encounter a human when they first land on Earth, or sometime shortly thereafter.

Already brainstorming an idea for someone and Optimus Prime (though that would go against the canon in BB and RotB but idc) and making my own robot OC in my head, who I'll name Armada because that's one of my favorite Transformers serieses, along with Cybertron.

Anyway that's all I got for now, I think.

[dreamerdoesthewritething]

Is it possible that Wesker might've taken Luis's body?

He took Krauser's.

He originally sent Ada to retrieve both Luis and the "amber".

No one else knows as much about las plagas as Luis.

Wouldn't it be smart to retrieve him, even if it's believed Krauser killed Luis?

[dreamerdoesthewritething]

Man, I've been working on this Female Reader x LSK fic since July 17, on and off, and I'm still not done.

It's hard to get myself to focus on it for some reason.

Also it's unrelated to other fics I've written. Standalone, though there will be an alternate version eventually where something happens to Leon instead of to the Reader.

Writing is hard :')

[dreamerdoesthewritething]

[dreamerdoesthewritething]

[dreamerdoesthewritething]

out of context image

The context is someone making an average male OC and what some of their followers see instead.

Lemme know if I should tag this or use a community label XD

[dreamerdoesthewritething]

I often think I could be such a good writer if I were better at writing

[dreamerdoesthewritething]

[dreamerdoesthewritething]

Killer Adepts

Legion, HUNK skin (August 14, 2023)

Trickster, God of Desire skin (September 30, 2023)

Shape/Myers, default skin (October 7, 2023, on the first try!)

Nemesis, default skin (October 8, 2023)

Spirit, mixed parts from three different skins (October 10, 2023, 1st try)

Hag, mostly the Queen of the Mire skin (1st try)

Xenomorph, default skin (January 12, 2024)

Doctor, mostly the Ruthless Insanity skin (March 6, 2024)

Huntress, mostly the Nocturnal Fowl skin

Wraith, mixed parts from three different skins (March 7, 2024)

Trapper, mixed parts from three different skins (1st try)

Hillbilly, mixed parts from three different skins

Oni, mixed parts from three different skins

Ghostface, a default skin

Nurse, mixed parts from three different skins (last Killer I own, 1st try)

[honorary] Demogorgon, default skin (March 9, 2024)

Plague, mostly the Servant of the Gods skin (May 2, 2024)

Mastermind/Wesker, STARS skin (1st try)

Good Guy, Tiffany skin (June 15, 2024, 1st try)

Lich/Vecna, default skin (June 21, 2024, 1st try)

Artist, mostly the Immaculate Canvas skin (June 26, 2024)

Skull Merchant, mixed parts from three different skins (August 25, 2024, 1st try AND 1st game ever as SM AND I did it without using her power)

Onryo, default skin (1st try)

Cenobite/Pinhead, default skin (1st try)

Pig, default skin

Clown, mostly the Pagliaccio skin (August 26, 2024)

Blight, Birkin skin

Pyramid Head, default skin (August 27, 2024)

Twins, mostly the Abandoned Luxury skin (1st try)

Deathslinger, mixed parts from three different skins (1st try AND 1st game ever as Deathslinger :D)

Dredge, mostly the Unwanted Toy skin (1st try)

Knight, mixed parts from three different skins (August 28, 2024)

Dark Lord/Dracula, default skin (1st game and 1st try but survivors completely threw the match away for no reason when they were winning so it feels unearned)

Houndmaster, mixed parts from three different skins (December 4, 2024, 1st try)

Singularity, mixed parts from three different skins (January 13, 2025)

Freddy Krueger, default skin (February 1, 2025)

Ghoul/Ken Kaneki, default skin (April 4, 2025)

[dreamerdoesthewritething]

[dreamerdoesthewritething]

Just making a note about my adept Survivors in DBD so I know later what the order was.

Detective Tapp (July 9, 2023)

Leon S. Kennedy (July 10, 2023)

Ashley J. Williams (July 11, 2023)

Ada Wong

Rebecca Chambers

Feng Min (July 12, 2023)

Yui Kimura

Mikaela Reid

Zarina Kassir

Kate Denson

Cheryl Mason

Vittorio Toscano

Adam Francis

William "Bill" Overbeck

Dwight Fairfield

Claudette Morel

Nea Karlsson

Meg Thomas

Jake Park

David King (final survivor I had woo~!)

Nicolas Cage (July 25, 2023)

Yun-Jin Lee (October 6, 2023)

Sheva Alomar/Jill Valentine (November 2, 2023)

Thalita Lyra (November 7, 2023)

Ace Visconti (November 17, 2023)

Renato Lyra (November 21, 2023)

Jane Romero (November 26, 2023)

Elodie Rakoto (November 28, 2023)

Haddie Kaur (November 30, 2023)

Ellen Ripley (December 22, 2023)

[honorary] Nancy Wheeler (January 5, 2024)

[honorary] Steve Harrington

Jeff Johansen (January 9, 2024)

Felix Richter (January 13, 2024)

Jonah Vasquez (January 16, 2024)

Gabriel Soma (January 29, 2024)

Alan Wake (February 1, 2024)(currently final survivor I have)

Sable Ward (March 12, 2024)

Laurie Strode (April 5, 2024)

Quentin Smith (April 8, 2024)

Yoichi Asakawa (April 10, 2024) (last survivor that is in the game rn)

Aestri Yazar (June 3, 2024)

Lara Croft (July 16, 2024)

Alucard/Trevor Belmont (August 17, 2024)

Taurie Cain (November 28, 2024)

Orela Rose (May 6, 2025)

[dreamerdoesthewritething]

Because I picked up some new characters in Dead By Daylight during the anniversary event, I've been playing Nemesis and he's (almost) always friendly.

So I've come up with lore for Mr. Nemmy. Yes, that's the nickname I've given him (and Nemesis in general in DBD tbh).

Someone messed with him before he was deployed in Raccoon City. Instead of going after S.T.A.R.S. members and anyone that gets in the way of that hunt, he was "programmed" to destroy fellow B.O.W.s, more specifically anything carrying the T-virus. His tentacle doesn't infect people with the T-virus, either. Instead, it contains the vaccine, so he can actually cure those who are infected but haven't turned yet.

The one who messed with him gave him a different name to differentiate him from the Nemesis that was sent after Jill. Several nicknames, actually. Officially, he'd be the Vindicator. They've also called him the Cleanup Crew (or CC), the Janitor, the Fixer-of-Umbrella's-Biggest-Fuck-Up, and related things. (Mr. Nemmy is my nickname for him, not the in-universe person's.)

Unfortunately, he looks exactly like the Nemesis hunting down Jill, so she wouldn't be able to tell one from the other, at least at first. Vindicator wouldn't ever engage her in battle, and therefore wouldn't get his ass kicked and forced to mutate. His "clothes" wouldn't be destroyed and his "heart" and stuff would keep his mutations in check much longer than Nemesis's. All the fighting against the zombies and miscellaneous B.O.W.s would eventually cause some wear and tear, however, though I doubt Vindicator would suffer enough damage to mutate even after hours and hours of killing the masses of monsters.

But imagine how confused and terrified Jill would be seeing "Nemesis" unscathed from their fights when she could've sworn she did damage to him the last time they crossed paths. Eventually she'd realize they weren't the same monster, especially if she sees Vindicator completely ignore her in favor of crushing zombies and Hunters and Lickers and whatnot. She probably would never fully trust him, though. He is a B.O.W., a Tyrant with the same parasite as Nemesis, created by Umbrella. She's be well within her rights to never trust that he would simply keep to killing monsters.

If he doesn't get taken by the Entity (by accident, because he's not much of a Killer), he would most likely remain in Raccoon City when it gets nuked and be destroyed along with everything else. He carries the vaccine, but it would be gone with him. The only ways he could live is if 1) HUNK received orders to meet up with Vindicator and bring him back to HQ along with the G-virus sample, 2) He somehow got on the train with Claire, Leon, and Sherry and assists them with defeating G before they can freak out about a Mr. X-like monster showing up and he somehow makes it very obvious he has no intention of hurting any of the humans and once they're out of Raccoon City he goes off on his own to most likely return to HQ, or 3) Jill and Carlos somehow find out he has the T-virus vaccine within him and decide to risk it when they escape via helicopter, though it's not enough to prevent the nuking of Raccoon City.

In Scenario 1, he'd probably be destroyed. In Scenario 2, he might be intercepted by the same military group that captures Leon and Sherry, which would either lead to him being destroyed outright or experimented on and vivisected and stuff before being discarded unless Leon and/or Sherry could convince the government he's worth more as an asset against B.O.W.s than as bio-waste. In Scenario 3, Jill would have to find a way to keep Vindicator hidden until the BSAA is founded by her and Chris and then utilize him in every conceivable way to prevent another T-virus outbreak as well as simply combat the rising threat of bioterrorism and B.O.W.s. Hiding him, an 8 foot something inches Tyrant, isn't easy, but once he's hidden, he's complacent and willing to stay put since he has no further instructions. He'd eventually come to see Jill as his "commander" and do whatever she says. Maybe he'd also eventually develop a personality? Who knows?

Anyway, maybe I'll consider writing some "Nemmy" x Reader stuff, going off the idea that he would become fully sentient.

[dreamerdoesthewritething]

Sometimes it's hard being one of the only people who doesn't think Leon would be into choking, like he wouldn't get off on being choked and wouldn't feel comfortable choking a partner.

The new movie having a scene where he gets choked in a fight (haven't seen the movie, just someone's clip of this fight sequence) is only going to add fuel to the fire.

How many times has a BOW done this now?

tbh I feel it would be more traumatizing than arousing for him, but maybe that's just me??

[dreamerdoesthewritething]

[Another self-insert comfort fic featuring me and Leon. Because after something I did to myself recently. I need this yet I keep putting it off because I'm distracted by DBD again. ><]

[Content warning for trichotillomania, aka hair-pulling disorder. It's a form of self-harm, so warning for that as well.]

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It'll Grow Back

It happened again.

It's not something that happens all the time, but when I'm stressed, sometimes...

All I can think of is how Leon will react when he sees it. I might be able to hide it for a while, but not forever. He's too observant. He's also too loving of all of me. He'll probably realize something's wrong the moment he lays eyes on me. I'm no good at hiding these kinds of things...or anything, really. From him or anyone who has any observation skills.

I put on my tri-colored hoodie, pulling the hood up over my head until it almost covers my eyes. It's rare to find clothes that are big on me, and this hoodie is somewhat oversized, in a good way. It hides my shame. Won't draw attention to me, either. Leon's used to seeing me wear this no matter my mood. It's just that comfy, you know? Hell, he's even stolen it from me and worn it himself from time to time.

He's not away on any life-threatening missions, but he is at work. I have no idea what he does when the world doesn't need him to save it. I mean, I don't really know what he does when it needs saving, either, but that's because he can't tell me without consequence. Maybe the same is true for the mundane, sorta 9-to-5 stuff as well? It's fine. I don't mind being in the dark. And normally I want him home as soon as possible, but today...I don't mind if he takes his time.

I must've dozed off. Sitting on the couch with something on the television, comfy in my hoodie, and tired from just being me...It was a recipe for knocking me out. I only come to because I feel something touching me. Leon's lips on my forehead. If it was any other time, such a sweet little show of affection would've been enjoyed with sleepy enthusiasm. Not today. Because of what happened earlier, the action causes me to jolt, eyes opening wide as my hands fly up to tug my hood down to cover my forehead again.

Real smooth. Now he'll never suspect something's up with me.

Leon apologizes for startling me. I apologize for being jumpy, citing terrible sleep from the night before. I'm lying, just a bit. I am sorry for my reaction, but I'm almost always tired, so lack of sleep isn't an excuse. He sits down beside me, hip against hip, and gently pulls my hooded head against his chest as he wraps an arm around my shoulders. I all but melt into his side.

"What's wrong?" he asks after several moments of silence pass.

"What...? I already told you I'm--"

He says my name in that tone that has me shutting up. His soft yet stern spare-me-the-bullshit tone. I shrink into myself. I'd normally shrink away from him altogether, but it's impossible with his arm around me. He's all muscle, after all.

I sigh. "I really am tired...But I also just...I don't know. I'd tell you if I did, I swear."

I can't tell if Leon believes me, even though this is mostly the truth, because I can't bring myself to look up at him. The incident from earlier is affecting me, but I don't know why I did what I did. I don't know what's wrong with me, what triggered me to do it. How can I explain something like this?

Without warning, Leon pulls back my hood, acting too quickly for me to resist. My sins are revealed. I scream his name angrily, trying to cover my hair with my hands but I know it's too late. He's seen the damage. He violated my privacy and pissed me off, but there's no hiding it any longer.

"Sweetheart, what did you--?"

"Fuck you!"

I fight against his hold, and he doesn't resist. Tears are welling in my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall, cursing myself for being an angry crier because it only makes me feel worse. He shouldn't have taken my hood off without my consent. He knows that. He knows he fucked up. Doesn't change a damn thing.

As I'm rushing off out of the room, he doesn't try to stop me. Good. That would be the worst thing he could do right now. Touching me, that is. As much as I crave his affection, it's also unwanted after what he did. I make my way into our room, then into the closet, slamming both doors behind me. Slumping against the closet door in the dark, I slide down until I'm seated on the floor and just start crying.

Maybe this is an overreaction. Maybe I'm a mess unworthy of Leon's love. But I'd have preferred to come around to telling Leon about my hair-pulling on my own time, when I was ready. He wasn't supposed to reveal the damage and force me to do it when I'm not ready. Like what the fuck, man? I even flushed the evidence down the toilet so he wouldn't discover all the hair in the trashcan and ask about it.

Should've known this would happen. He enjoys playing with my hair, despite how easily it tangles and knots and refuses to bend to the will of a comb or brush for more than a few minutes. The downside of having curly hair, you know? I've hated it for most of my life because it was always being compared to my older sisters' straight locks that rarely ever knotted and fought for years to make mine like theirs. Leon's helped me to hate it less. He's also helped me take better care of it. He knows a thing or two about hair care. I mean, have you seen his hair? He probably spends more time on it than it takes him to shower. Not that it's a bad thing.

How long did I sit in the dark bawling my eyes out? Couldn't tell you. Long enough for Leon to run out to pick up something for dinner for us. Long enough for me to get super snotty. Long enough that I got a headache, probably from dehydration. When's the last time I drank anything? My ugly crying drained me of everything. I just wanted to curl up and go to sleep...after my headache was dealt with, anyway.

There's a quiet knock on the door behind me. The closet door doesn't have a lock. Leon could just open it. But he waits for permission, or for me to do it myself. I reach up and turn the knob once I feel it in the dark, letting the door open without pulling away from it. This results in me falling onto my back out of the door, legs still crossed and bleary eyes staring straight up towards the ceiling. I don't bother putting my hood back up. There's no point anymore.

"I'm so sorry," Leon says, getting on his knees by my head. He leans over so all I can see above me is his handsome face. His hands hover above my face for a second before dropping to the floor on either side of me, supporting his weight.

"I'm sorry, too," I say. My gaze remains unfocused thanks to the tears, my feelings, and the fact I'm not wearing my glasses. No holding eye contact for me. "I shouldn't have yelled at you."

"No, I earned that," he insists.

"Only you'd say something like that."

"You've said it before, too."

I sigh heavily, my chest shaking slightly like I'm still crying even though my eyes are just wet at this point. "Alright, fine. Only we would say something like that. Is that better?"

He gives me a small smile. "Not really." A pause. "If you don't want to talk about it, we don't have to. Let's just have dinner for now, okay?"

I nod. He offers to help me up. I hold up my arms, which he grabs and uses to lift me off the floor with little effort. That's something I'll never get used to, considering how heavy I am. Once I'm on my feet, he lets go and keeps space between us. He's as touch-starved as me, but he forces himself to hold his hands at his sides. I glance down at the one closest to me before slipping mine into it. He gently squeezes as he leads me to the dining table.

We eat in relative silence. At some point, I get up to pop a couple ibuprofen for my head to expedite relief since drinking something isn't working fast enough. Our conjoined hands remain that way throughout the meal. Makes it a little harder to eat, but we didn't mind enough to stop doing it.

After dinner, I rest my forehead on the table, closing my eyes. It would be hard to hear me talking like this, so I turn my head slightly in Leon's direction so my voice wouldn't get super muted by the table. Yeah, I'm ready to explain myself now. Well, as ready as I can be, anyway. If things went according to plan, I'd be doing this days from now, but life's a bitch and doesn't like to work with me.

Sometimes when I'm stressed, I rip hair out of me. I hate body hair as it is, hate when I grow it, and honestly, I've been tearing hair out of certain parts of me so often for so long that it barely even hurts. I'm thinking of one specific area, which if you know, you know. It's a sensitive part and yet I pull hair from that region without problem. Rarely do I ever attack the hair on my head, though.

When I do pull the hair out of my head, I often don't register I'm doing it until it's too late. It only seems to happen when I must be stressed yet am completely unaware of it and have no idea what's caused it. By the time I realize what I'm doing, enough has been pulled out that it's nigh impossible to hide it. That's what happened this morning. I just sorta blanked and next thing I know, there's a line of baldness across my head, most obvious along the right side of it. The line is like half an inch wide in a couple places, too. My pale scalp reddened, thoroughly protesting the painful act. Most of the hair has something--the root??--at the edge as I looked at it in my hands. All I could do in that moment was stare, mortified at what I had done to myself.

Then I thought about Leon and how he'd react. Embarrassment and shame took over. I flushed the hair and hid myself in my hoodie, hoping to buy myself some time. And then everything worked against me, like the universe itself was trying to humiliate me in front of my beloved Leon.

Leon listens silently to my confession, not even flinching when I absentmindedly squeeze the everloving shit out of his hand while I talk. When I finish, he hesitantly moves his other hand towards my head, tracing the line of missing hair without actually touching me. He's learned. He's not going to risk upsetting me again. In a whisper, I give him permission to do whatever he's thinking of doing. His fingertips graze my exposed scalp as he follows the trail. I wince. Despite how long ago I hurt myself, the skin is still sensitive, still inflamed, still complaining about what I've done.

"Sorry," I say.

"It's not me who you should be apologizing to," he says, continuing to run his fingers over that path on my scalp. Is he trying to soothe the skin with his touch? I'm not sure it works that way, honey.

"Can't apologize to myself. I'll never forgive me."

"You're so hard on yourself."

"So are you, on yourself."

He chuckles. "This isn't about me."

That's unfortunately true, so I fall silent again. Leon leaves me temporarily, cleaning up after our dinner. When he returns, he scoops me up into his arms, much to my shock, and carries me back into the living room. He sits on the couch where this all started, holding me on his lap and cradling my head against his chest. I'm not as relaxed as either of us would like me to be. How can I?

"Don't worry too much. It'll grow back," he says.

"It'll take months," I say. "I'll be even uglier than normal til then."

He scowls. Of course he does. He hates when I make these kinds of comments. I know. I try not to when he's around, but this one slipped by before I could stop it. Whoops.

"Let me get the scissors. I'll match you," he says.

I bolt upright in his grasp, wrapping my arms around his head. His face is smothered in my chest, but that doesn't matter. "Leon Scott Kennedy, don't you fucking dare! Don't even joke about it!"

"It's just hair," he says, his voice muted.

"Your hair is pretty and gold and gorgeous and does not deserve to be maimed just cuz I fucked up! No! No, no, no!"

He laughed, gently pushing me away from his head. "Alright, alright! Just don't insult my beautiful girlfriend. Nothing she could ever do will make her ugly. Not to me. Not in my eyes."

"You're such a dork, you know that?"

"Maybe. But you love it."

"I do. And I love you."

"I love you, too."