dreamernagi

[dreamernagi]

sometimes i get so fucking sick of people any time i talk about my depression to be like "omg just go to therapy". like i know that i probably need to go to therapy but any time i mention my mental illness and that's the only thing anyone ever says to me it just makes me feel like oh okay. guess i can't open up about literally anything anymore. i don't even think i'm trying to get therapy from said friends i just want them to listen because i'm so used to bottling everything up. not to mention my negative experiences i've already had with therapy that makes me super apprehensive to even try it. like at this point i don't think therapy can fix that i'm just lonely down to my fucking core and that my fucking bones ache and i fuck up literally every friendship and relationship i have in the end until i'm alone and isolated again like deadass whatever i may as well be dead

[dreamernagi]

havent used this blog in a hot minute huh. i keep wildly swinging back and forth between thinking i made a good decision or a fucking terrible mistake.

my bf visited a couple weeks ago now and it just. wasnt what i wanted it to be when he was here. we just didnt have a lot to talk about and upon the second visit i just kind of realized we really dont have that much in common, and that most of our conversations felt sexually charged and that was the majority of what we talked about. i just felt like i couldnt be myself, and that he was more concerned about playing games and staying in than going out and doing fun things w me. i dont want that to be the only aspect of a relationship, but at the same time i do want someone who can go with me and be fun and spontaneous and he just. isnt that kind of person.

so i just kind of. told him that? and the frustrating thing is i kind of broke up with him, but i didnt go into the conversation with that solely in mind, and i was hoping we'd at least be able to talk things through and that maybe we'd have an open dialogue before coming to that conclusion.

but he just. said he needed to sleep on it and now hasnt talked to me for a couple days. i feel at rock fucking bottom of life right now. i feel like i made this huge mistake and that maybe i was wrong about these feelings, and that maybe my standards were just way too high, and i fucking hate myself so much it hurts. ive been physically holding myself back from doing something stupid for three days now and i just want him to talk to me so i can figure out if breaking up is the right option or if we can work it out, because i love him so fucking much it hurts.

[dreamernagi]

I really dont know why im still trying to live as if it fucking matters. Im so fucking lonely i hate being alone in this stupid tiny apartment i miss jas i miss my parents i miss my dog i miss college i miss just being around my friends and people all the time. I try to get out of the apartment so im not so isolated like i went all the way to milwaukee to cheer myself up and the whole time i was there i just hated that i was so alone. I miss being with my bf so we could just sit in the same space together like this isolation is rotting me from the inside out and i just feel like theres no fucking point like i could kill myself and just bleed out on the fucking ground for a few days before anyone would even fucking notice. Whats even the point of being alive if i cant even be around the people i love and are important to me fuck this entire pandemic for literally ruining every aspect of my life that i spent so long striving for and now im in the worst case scenario i wanted to avoid at all costs

[dreamernagi]

Bf is back to doing classes this semester and hes like almost completely absent again. This happened last semester and things were fine but god it makes me so incredibly anxious. I think i need to check in with him and like, talk about it and say that i cant go like almost more than a week without saying 3 words to each other... im not built like that chief The Anxiety

[dreamernagi]

HHHHH HOPEFULLY WE FIGURED IT OUT HEHEHE but am sad that its our last night together :((( dont want to leav e...

[dreamernagi]

Hhhh im feeling kind of insecure and shitty. Idk what happened but the first night i spent with him we were able to figure out penetration (in missionary position) pretty easily and now every time we’ve tried it since then its just not working?? Idk what we’re doing different lmfao like it just feels like it wont go in or something and then obv its hard for him to stay in the mood after a lot of awkward fumbling so it just makes the entire thing awkward in general. I mean its not the end of the world and he tells me its fine (and we do other things gladly) but im just frustrated and insecure that its something about my body type or something equivalent...? Ugh. Its even more of a mystery that we got it the first time but havent been able to any other time like lmfao beginners luck ig. I only have today (and a little of tomorrow) left with him so there’s still other things to try but it just sucks and is a little discouraging...

[dreamernagi]

How do i only have one and a half days left bitchhh ugh i cant go back to having no human contact :(

[dreamernagi]

Haha i just had sex

[dreamernagi]

I SEE MY BOYFRIEND... TOMORROW...

[dreamernagi]

I have felt so fucking awful all damn day its so bad. I was crying in my office at work from overall stress since i was overthinking fucking everything and then i asked my bf if he wanted to hang out tonight cause ive missed him but then when the time came he just didnt really say anything and like i know its probably just cause he forgot or wasnt in the mood atm since its happened before but even so it just really got to me today and made me really upset cause ive been feelings really lonely all day and have deadass not stopped crying for hours

[dreamernagi]

Thinking about when my bf used that remote control long distance vibrator on me and i came like 5 times im really out here living

[dreamernagi]

Get to see my boyfriend in 2 weeks i am. So excited i could cryyy

[dreamernagi]

god i cannot fucking wait to meet my bf i can’t wait to meet my bf i can’t wait to meet my bf I CAN’T WAIT TO MEET MY BF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i have it so bad

[dreamernagi]

I miss my boyfriend... hes been so busy with finals and im trying to give him space but its been a few weeks since we’ve chatted one on one or have even had a long conversation. Idk i just hope to god this doesnt persist after finals or itll be a problem

[dreamernagi]

Almost self harmed tonight lads lol its been A Day

[dreamernagi]

Its been a really long time since ive felt so emotionally drained and ive been thinking about suicide again. Im so stressed out with everything thats been going on and my student teaching has been horrible and all i want to do is fucking drive my car off a cliff and die. I hate living alone im so lonely i miss my dog and i miss jas and i want to die so bad

[dreamernagi]

Reminder i love my bf,,,,,,,,,,,,,, hnnmgh