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[dreaminofkyoto]

little did he know he was talking to a girl who’s already broken.

“im way to fragile for you, you’ll end up feeling tired of having to pick up all my pieces.”

“what if i cry and you’re just joking around?”

[dreaminofkyoto]

dear d,

i’ve lost my ability to articulate my feelings in writing. one of the reasons is, im scared of being vulnerable and writing often needs vulnerability. writing about someone means there’s something deeper than just mere connection.

we’ve been in each other’s life since we were kids. we’ve seen each other went from being childhood friends to lovers, broke up, lost contact and then crossed path again.

i love being your friend and your lover. i love being in your life.

i feel like it’s never easy for us. we failed the first time we dated each other, we decided to try again 6 years later, and it is still scary.

i care about you a lot more than i love you. if i could, i want to help you with everything that you need help with. if i could, i want to protect you at all cost. im terrified of losing you again.

i know it’s going to be challenging. no one knows what lies ahead of us. no one knows if we’re truly meant to be together. i promise to my self that i will fight to keep this relationship and i will never give up on you. but in case the best thing for us turns out to be letting go of this relationship.. please know that i will always care about you. it might take years until we hear about each other again.. but please remember that deep down, i would do it all over again even if the ending doesn’t change.

i don’t know why but lately i’ve been feeling as if it is going to be my last day. not sure if it’s my last day on earth or last day to hear from you. — it’s never your fault.

i will stay in this as long as i can. im going to be by your side through the good and bad days. you might never feel the same way but i will not regret giving you the love that you deserve. yes, you deserve this. i promise to Jesus that this time, i will learn to love the way he loves me. even if it ends in heartbreak, and we’re not together.. i will never wish i’ve given you less than what you have received.

Jesus loves the both of us and i know that he would do all that he can to make sure we’re okay. I’ve never stopped praying for us, for you. I know Jesus will meet you where you’re at. I know he will. I boast about how i could love you, but the only perfect love that you will receive comes from Jesus alone.

- V .

[dreaminofkyoto]

when was the last time i played the part as the brave girl?

the only familiar feeling is losing someone i want to keep.

[dreaminofkyoto]

the thing is, you will never really know how someone feels about you. and they don’t really know how you feel inside unless you truly communicate it.

i want to, but im afraid. im scared to admit how much i love him. even if he doesn’t know it, i do. and it’s enough to make me feel a bit terrified bcs what if it doesn’t work out again?

i knew that deep down i’ve always loved him. i loved him when we were kids, i loved him when we were teenagers, i loved him when it didn’t work out years ago, and i love him now more than ever.

only God knows how much im thankful to see him around again.

is it selfish for me to want the same love from him? i just hope thar for once, i am loved back, sincerely and wholeheartedly.

[dreaminofkyoto]

God, thanks for putting up with my constant emotional rollercoaster. im not doing fine. you know it. i feel like im bouncing back to the old me, and im terrified. im terrified that this feeling will start to embrace me and i’ll admit that it is part of me again.

[dreaminofkyoto]

Day 48 since 25.2.2024

idk if it was God but here we are again. i can’t fully recall what it was like 6 years ago when i innocently said ‘i love you’ to you. this time around it feels like coming home to something, a bit strange and overwhelming. am i scared, at this point.. yes. i knew i had both loved and lost you before. and im scared it’s going to happen again. usually, i’d run now but i don’t think i can. even if i have the chances to, i feel like staying. idk whats ahead of us and how all this going to turn out..but somehow i relate to the saying of better to loved and lost than to never loved at all.

God is my only hope for this to work. Whether it’s a yes or no..i know we’ll be alright.

[dreaminofkyoto]

The Day App

If you are currently reading my entries, well, i certainly never expected anyone to find this page. But here you are. If you are wondering about the count of the days in my post..it started on 1st September 2022 (Day 1). If you go to post Day 1, you will find that i was going through a breakup.

The days onwards felt like a restart. I guess 1st September 2022 was the day that the universe reset my entire life. So many things happen after that day and i could barely remember what happened before 1st September 2022. The count did not stop as i never uninstall the app in my phone. So, yeah, i can say that it kinda made it look like my life only started on 1st September 2022.

That should clarify your questions.

P.s it's now day 516.

[dreaminofkyoto]

i can now identify the wound inside me that is still bleeding. a part of me that i had allowed someone else to abuse. i think i did not realise the fact that i spent too long in a place that was slowly carving through my flesh. it was a place where i agonized the bitter taste of sipping a glass full of gut-wrenching truths. That a woman like me was replaceable. That the man whom i swore i loved with all my heart made me feel as if i was the orange at a grocery store that he picked up first before gently putting me down for other oranges. And after that, he would plead not guilty and say "i did not mean to hurt you", and other excuses i loved to hear.

Until you sit with the woman whose heart still aches for the affection she stopped receiving when she was 5 years old, the woman who held a hundred funerals of herself every time she died for someone she loved, whose eyes have spent years convincing each other to stop pouring out tears, and whose hands bled from holding the wrong ones, you will always think that she is just insecure.

[dreaminofkyoto]

day 462

I recently found a new purpose in my life. The version of me from a year ago would not believe it. In the midst of everything that was going on in my life a few months ago, i found God.

So do all the problems in my life disappear? Do I stop getting hurt? Do i become happy all the time?

No.

But it does get a little easier to go through all that in Christ. A sun shining after stormy weather is how i like to describe it.

I have been looking for peace, love, satisfaction and everything else that i felt i was lacking in all places. In the WRONG places. One thing i learned that i hope i had known sooner is i cannot rely on people. It is God that I should seek the most. But I never thought of Him at all. He was just like a public figure, the one of whom i recognise but not know.

With Him, i feel the peace starts filling my heart and my mind when im in a situation that's hard. I become less and less anxious over things and this is where i know the words REST, TRUST and FAITH.

God has been with me from Day 1 of my life. It was me who abandoned Him because I thought I could do all things on my own. Because i thought i was so smart, because someone had once told me I was a strong person. If anything, i was filled with pride and ego. I was convinced that I could live without His help.

He waited 23 years for me to finally begin to want to know Him. Yet, no matter the reason, He never leaves me alone. He's always there.

Im grateful for all the things that He allowed to happen in my life, whether they are good or bad. Knowing Him teaches me to see Him in all the situations that im in.

I love this new me. I hope she will grow even stronger in Christ, the love of her life.

[dreaminofkyoto]

Day 348

i dont remember the last time i had a full one week without any crying session. im so sensitive and life just makes me sad. i wish this would stop. i dont have any tears left to waste. im also angry and disappointed with myself and how things go in my life. it’s a continuous struggle here.

[dreaminofkyoto]

Day 319 - The End of Another Season

This is the final day of being in this uni dorm room. Im just sitting here thinking about everything that i've been through and this room has been my home, my solitude, my hiding place. This room has seen the real me, the depressed, the sad, the angry, and the happy me. I talk to the mirror in this room more than i talk to people. Sometimes i feel alone in here but i also rather not be anywhere else but in this room. It hugs me like a mother and hides me from all the bad things out there. But today, i have to pack my things up and leave. I will remember this place as a place where i discover myself, love myself, break my heart and fall in love.

Leaving this room means that i have come to the end of this season, the end of my university days, the end of 5 years of peak and valley. Every beginning has to come to its end and this time i am not leaving this entire place for a semester break, im leaving for another new journey that will probably take me to a different place, different environment, different room. I still feel like a kid and don't know if i'll ever be ready for what's next for me. There's this feeling that once i step out of this place, i'll be leaving a part of me behind. I'll have to grow myself out of the familiarity of this place and the version of me that i created here. It's sad. It's like parting ways with a sister that i never have.

Somebody else is going to replace me here. Somebody else will spill their drinks on this study desk and leave it messy on the night before examination. Somebody else is gonna cry to the dirty mirror in this room and wake up to the salty smell of the sea. Someone else is going to fall in or out of love in this room and cuss at the wind for making the fan stuck to the beam.

I wish nothing but for this room to continue being a safe place for these girls. I want them to have a moment of epiphany in this room, either alone or with friends.

This is my final entry, written from room B4507, goodbye.

[dreaminofkyoto]

maybe god will keep allowing people to leave until the one who’s really meant to stay comes

[dreaminofkyoto]

Day 231

i keep on counting the days because it helps me to stay on the track from where everything just flipped over and changed.

i have so many things to say yet it's been harder for me to let it out, to write it. now with everything that i keep inside, I'm thinking of how long i have until it all starts to rot while i just sit here and listen to everybody else's problems. sometimes, it crossed my mind that trying to provide other people with comfort and reassurance while ignoring my own emotional and mental need is probably a cruel thing that i've done to myself. to become a savior to all these people is a recurring daydream because it gives me instant satisfaction although i have to be ignorant of my own crisis. i am the enabler to my own suffering and i don't know how to stop without feeling bad about not trying to save them because i believe that it's part of who i am as a person. but i still ask myself the same question -- who's gonna be there to save me?

[dreaminofkyoto]

maybe im not a good person at all. i hurt people in the process of trying to heal and i think that’s so selfish of me.

[dreaminofkyoto]

[dreaminofkyoto]

you would be disappointed of the person i’ve become today.