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Mental Breakdown

Gonna update Tumblr on the incident in 7th grade sometime soon. I just finish having a whole freaking mental breakdown. (Literally, like no joke, I had an anxiety attack and I looked myself in my room and I was crying. It was alot)

[and my dad came into my room and he was like " you have fixed and repaired your heat so much. It so strong now."

And

"you built walks around your heart and I get a ladder and when I get to the top you build it twice as higher and when I take a sledgehammer and knock it down, I see you have another one built behind it"

And

"you grew up so fast. When you were 12 you changed. Not for the worse, but you just changed. You went from being an open little 12 year old girl to a 21 year old. And you dont put up with people shit. What happened? Why did you grow up so fast"

And that's when I started crying. Because hes right. When I was 12 is when Blake taught me not to show emotion or I'll get hurt and 12 is when I was robbed of my childhood. Of course my dad doesn't know that, and he never will.]

-that was my diary entry from March 3, 2019

Well, that's all for today I guess. Ok. Bye

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“I can’t stop thinking of your face,

The way you used to look at me.

You were my safe place.

Was I really that easy to replace?

I wish this wasn’t how things had to be.

When you ended us I begged and pleaded,

You were just happy to be freed.

Why couldn’t I be what you need?

I wish my heart wasn’t a chaotic mess.

I thought you were perfect for so long,

I should have listened when you said I was wrong.”

-K.N.B.

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Crush(storytime)

I'm not gonna make this one really long cuz I'm tired

So I have a crush on this dude. And hes a twin so oof.

He is nerdy looking but plays baseball. And baseball..I mean come on. And he has glasses. And i really like him.

I saw he only one time last year and I had a crush on him then, but it was only once.

Now, I know his sense of humor, his cute smile, and he's really smart too. Both him and his twin are in all advanced classes.

He is seriously my dream guy. No joke. He is everything I have ever wanted in a guy. And it's very overwhelming.

And my friends tell me I talk about him too much and I can tell most of them are annoyed that I dont shut up about him but to me it's so much more.

You have to understand that I have depression and an extremely suicidal. I have already tried to kill myself 3 times (I cant even do that right) and had extreme serious thoughts of it like 5 times and he makes me happy.

Do you know how hard it is for me to be happy. I am constantly faking smiles every single day. It gets tiring and exhausting.

But when I think about him.. I just.. automatically smile. He makes me smile. A real smile. Something I never had for years. And that's why I talk about him so much.

I'm suicidal. And I have been going through a rough time these past couple months that no one knows about. And I have seriously thought of suicide I even wrote the note twice (which I ended up burning when I changed my mind).

But he is my something to look forward too.

I actually want to live my life now.

I even signed up for all advanced classes to try and see him more next year. (Hear that, I'm imagining myself alive next year.) That's a serious accomplishment for me. He gives me something to live for.

And it may seem like I'm being dramatic, but I dont care what anyone else thinks. He has saved my life twice now. And he doesn't even know it.

Ok that's it. I just wanted to get that off my chest. Bye.

Edit: my friends are getting annoyed with me. Like always. I'm gonna stop talking about him. No more happy for me. Bye.

Edit2: since I stopped talking about him I feel like I have gotten more depressed. Like I have nothing to live for.

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Blake (storytime)

So I'm gonna tell the first reason I now have depression.

Blake.

He was my BEST FRIEND. we would laugh all the time and had so many inside jokes and I was actually happy. We would send notes in 3rd period and just give each other silly looks in 1st period and get on our teachers' nerves from all our laughing in 6th period and during lunch we sat at table right across from each other and we would have silent conversations with just looks. I would buy him a bag of candy every single day and throw it at him. It was our game. We were inseparable. And when he was absent, I was sad. Like honestly sad. I would barely talk to anyone and I would worry about him until I see him again.

And I had a crush on him. He was just so nerdy yet cute. He had glasses and a nice jawline. Dimples and a smirk. To me, he was perfect. I was in love with him. We were best friends, how could I not.

So one day on Feburary 14th (yeah Valentine's day) all of the class was waiting outside of the hall for the teacher in 3rd period and I was talking to some other my other friends a couple feet away. I suddenly hear my name and see this kid, (I dont remember his name, let's call him Jordan) that was one of Blake's friend's, calling me. I turn and Jordan says something along the lines of "Blake likes you and wants to know if you want to go out with him" I was shocked.

I looked over to Blake and see him rubbing the back of his neck with one hand and looking down at the floor. I tried to hide my enthusiasm, "yeah, sure"

*next part is pretty irrelevant so skip if you want*

Our 3rd period teacher was the best. He was a history teacher and a football coach. He had a basketball net in his room and he would talk to us like "And then this historical character goes 'oh no I don't think so' and calls a war. And the other guy is like 'oof ok.' then they fight" so he was really cool.

So we walk into 3rd period and it's all going good and Coach Lopez is like, "so, how tall doing today guys? whats new?"

And this kid that sits in the front just tells out "Blake and (my name) are dating!"

I just groan and look at Blake. He smiles awkwardly and looks down again.

(Keep in mind, Coach Lopez knew we were best friends and always teased us and said we would make great couple)

So Coach just smiles and walks to me, jumping around like a child, "oh my God really?? I knew it. Blake and (my name) sitting in a tree" then he walks to Blake and fist pumps him. And he keeps teasing us until I was like "ok ok enough. It's not a big deal"

So yeah, everyone was really happy for us and so in 6th period he was talking really quietly to the one boy and he looked annoyed, but I didnt think anything of it.

Time skip to after class and the boy gives Blake a pointed look and leaves. I was still packing and Blake walks up to me and asks for my number. I have it to him (not realizing that it was the wrong number)

*if you skipped that part, continue reading here*

Fast forward to the next day. First period math. We were waiting out in the hall like usual. I had been 'dating' Blake for 22 hours. Not even a full day and Jordan calls me like he did the day before. I turn and walk a couple steps to where he, Blake, and like 3 other kids were and Jordan is like "Hey, don't feel bad, but you and Blake are over. It was just a dare and a joke. So.."

I was so hurt and sad, but I just let shock onto my face for a second, but I quickly masked it with a tight smile, " oh, ok. Yeah that's fine, whatever" I looked at Blake and he was just looking at the floor and I walked away.

And that's it. Me and Blake, suposed best friends, never spoke a word to each other since.

What hurt me the most is that he didn't care about me at all. I was just a dare. He didnt care about our friendship. All it was worth to him was a stupid dare. I wonder all the time what he got in return. What did someone have to say to make him ruin our friendship?

Another thing that really hurt was that he never even asked me out. It was Jordan who did it for him. And it wasnt Blake who even said it was a dare, that was Jordan too. He didnt even care about me enough to tell me himself.

And yeah. That's where my depression started. After that I learning I cant trust anyone. Not my friends or my family no one. And no matter how much I think I know someone, they will always let me down in the end.

Blake still effects me to this day. Resently, I had a crush on this dude. We would text everyday until like 3 am talking all deep and shit for weeks, I was awesome, and I ended it. With no explanation. We haven't said a word to each other in months. why? Because I convinced myself he would hurt me one day, so I did it before he had a chance to. (I'll write a storytime about him one day)

Also I can't trust anyone now. I have isolated myself from my family and my school. I dont have any friends, I'm an outcast and I automatically think the worst or everyone (This is also for another reason, but that's s different storytime)

I barely talk to my mother or father or siblings. I just look myself in my room and stay there.

But Blake also taught me when one joke can do to someone. I dont bully anyone and I stand up for those who dont stand up for themselves. So thanks for that Blake, but I hate you for everything else.

Also he ruined valentine's day for me. When I think of that I day I think of Blake and My depression and now I can't enjoy the holiday I just get noticeably more depressed and angry for a week.

The worst part is I still love him. All our laughs and talks. He was my first love. I'll always love him. And I hate myself for that.

The End

Ok, bye.

[drix137-blog]

"We cut so we can see we are human on the inside"

The Monster

My parents always warned me about the monster under the bed. But they could never see the monster in my head.

Louder and louder the monster would roar. As my lust for gore grew more and more.

Slice and dice every which way. To watch the blood drip from every vain.

As I grow older the monster does too. Becoming the only friend I ever knew.

With getting older the scars stay new. But yet make every effort to hide from you.

We cut for attention is nothing but a lie. We cut so we can see we are human on the inside.

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Normal people don’t understand what it’s like. They don’t know what it’s like to have voices on the inside that wants to sabotage everything. A voice that sounds an awful lot like your own. A voice that tells you to just relapse, a voice that tells you just end it all. Then there’s your true self. The part that wants to recover. It’s hard for us to focus on that part of ourselves. After years of negative, self destructive behaviors, it takes hard work for us to just think happy thoughts

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RIGHT

If only, they would’ve taught us how to love ourselves

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Can someone just like kill me? Like point a gun and shoot me or hit me with a car or some shit? Jus like kill me as fast as possible ? I would even write a thank you note and ask not to put that person in jail. Like pleas. Prettiest pretty please

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“i’m scared, i don’t feel anything. i want to die, i want to kill myself and i don’t feel sad about it. i can’t feel anything”

—

[drix137-blog]

So I relapsed and i don’t think my job should affect my mental health to the point on relapse…

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"Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time.

It’s the fear of failure but no urge to be productive.

It’s wanting friends but hate socializing.

It’s wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely.

It’s caring about everything then caring about nothing.

It’s feeling everything at once then feeling paralyzingly nothing.”

The real struggles I have to face in my life

[drix137-blog]

Binge Eating

That's what my mother says I do. Let me take you through a simple explanation of my day.

Wake up

School

Home

Sleep

The end

I dont eat breakfast. I don't eat lunch. I dont eat dinner. I just have one little snack, like a bag of chips, after school and that's it.

Thats a regular day. Now let me tell you about my Binge eating days.

Wake up

School

Food

Home

Sleep

The end.

On my binge days, I eat once after school (like a lot, like one time I ate two large pizzas all by myself)then I dont eat for like 2 or 3 days.

The longest I have gone without food (including any and all snacks) is I think 6 days. But that's irrelevant.

But yeah, that's all because of Hashimoto's Disease too.

Ok bye.

[drix137-blog]

My Autoimmune Disease

So I have Hashimoto's Disease. It effects my life greatly. Basically my body is attacking itself. I have an enlarged thyroid, the thyroid controls all your hormones.

Some of the side effects are

Hot flashes (which I get all the time) and it feels like you are on fire even when its below freezing outside. (That actually happend once. It was like 30°F outside but I was having a hot flash so I went outside and sat on the concrete in the cold wind. It only helped a little bit though.)

Headaches/Migraines (by far the worst) I currently have a tention migraine that has been going on for 5 days now. And it feels like hell. It just this really sharp pain and loud ringing that won't go away and it gets worse when I move my head or when someone talks or with bright lights

Plantar fasciitis (pain in heel and arch of my foot) so when you have one auto immune disease, you are seseptable to more, one being plantar fasciitis. It hurts to walk and I am always limping everywhere, which sucks

Depression (very common) I have depression and I'm suicidal. I was before I got diagnosed with Hashimoto's, but it just made it worse.

Anxiety (I also had this before I was diagnosed) anxiety and depression together is horrible. Its life you are worried and care about everything too much but also not at all (If that makes any sense)

There are so many more symptoms and effects Hashimoto's Disease has on my life, but those are to more impactful.

There also is fatigue, joint stiffness, muscle weakness, sensitivity to cold, slow heart rate, weight gain, no appetite, hair loss, dry skin, and memory lapses

Ok, I'm done now. Bye peoples.

[drix137-blog]

So, hi. So umm. This is gonna be an online diary thing where I put all of my problems. I dont expect anyone to read them or anything. I just need a good vent in my life.

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"I need one of those long hugs where you kinda forget whatever else is happening for a minute."

[drix137-blog]

First Post

Hi