drlauramarkham

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"Dr. Laura....My new year's resolution is to be more patient. But when I told my family, they reminded me that I made the same resolution last year. I feel like a failure, even though I know I've become a better mother over the past year." -- Christina If you make the same resolution every year, join the club. That doesn't mean you're a failure. It means you're headed in the right direction, and you aren't perfect yet. (Shocking, I know!) The bad news is, you won't be perfect this year either. The good news is, you don't have to be! Kids don't need perfection from parents. What they need is a parent who accepts them with all their imperfections, models compassion and respect, and apologizes and reconnects when things go wrong -- as they inevitably do. This is tough work, because it's about regulating ourselves. That's why resolving to be more patient rarely works.  By the time we're gritting our teeth to stay "patient" we're already sliding into the stress response of fight, flight or freeze. But if you want to become a more patient parent – and a happier person – it’s completely possible.  Here are 5 Resolutions to support you in that goal. Practicing these is the work of a lifetime, so you still won't be perfect in a year -- in fact, you might make these same resolutions next year! But I guarantee you'll be a more peaceful parent, with a happier, more cooperative child.

1. Resolve to regulate your own emotions, so you can be the happy, patient, encouraging parent your child deserves. That means integrating daily sustainable self-nurturing into your life: Go to bed earlier so you’re better rested, eat healthfully to maintain your mood, transform those inner negative voices into encouraging ones, and slow down your pace so you're not as stressed.  Most important of all, commit to managing yourself.  When your emotions are dysregulated,  you're in fight or flight, and your child looks like the enemy. Resist acting while you're angry. Calm yourself before you engage with your child.

2. Resolve to love the one you’re with. The one thing we know for certain about child development is that kids who feel loved and cherished thrive.  That doesn’t mean kids who ARE loved – plenty of kids whose parents love them don’t thrive. The kids who thrive are the ones who FEEL loved and cherished for exactly who they are.  Every child is unique, so it takes a different approach for that child to feel seen and loved. The hard work for us as parents is accepting who our child is, warts and all – and cherishing him or her for being that person, even while guiding behavior.  The secret?  See it from his perspective, use a positive lens, and celebrate every step in the right direction.

3. Resolve to stay connected. Kids only cooperate and "follow" our leadership when they feel connected. But separation happens, so we have to repeatedly reconnect. Remember that quality time is about connection, not teaching, so it’s mostly unstructured.  Hug your child first thing every morning and when you say goodbye. When you’re reunited later in the day, spend fifteen minutes solely focused on your child. (What do you do in that 15 minutes? Listen, commiserate, hug, roughhouse, laugh, play, empathize, listen some more. Not enough time? What could be more important?) Stop working before dinner time so you can devote your evening to your family.  Eat dinner together.  Have a chat and a warm snuggle at bedtime every night with each child.

4. Resolve to role model respect. Want to raise kids who are considerate and respectful, right through the teen years?  Take a deep breath, and speak to them respectfully.  After all, kids learn from what we model. If we can't manage our own emotions, we can't expect our kids to learn to manage theirs. Not always easy when you’re angry, so remember your mantras: You’re the role model, Don’t take it personally, It's not an emergency, and This too shall pass!

5. Resolve to address the needs and feelings behind your child’s behavior.  If yelling or punishing your child for his behavior were effective, it would have worked already. All "misbehavior" is a red flag that your child needs your help to handle big emotions or fill unmet needs. Once you address the feelings or needs, the behavior changes.  Parents who lead by loving example, redirect pre-emptively rather than punish (“You can throw the ball outside”), and set limits empathically (“You’re mad and sad, but I won't let you hit. Let’s use your words to tell your brother how you feel”) raise self-disciplined kids who WANT to follow their guidance.

Sure, your child will make mistakes, and so will you. There are no perfect parents, no perfect children, and no perfect families. But there are families who live in the embrace of great love, where everyone thrives. The only way to create that kind of family is to make daily choices that take you in that direction.  It's not magic, just the hard work of constant course correction to get back on track when life inevitably throws you off.

So don't worry if you're making the same resolutions every year. That just means you're keeping yourself on track by choosing, over and over, to take positive steps in the right direction.  Before you know it, you'll find yourself in a whole new landscape. Parenting, after all, is a journey -- not a destination.

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Looking for a fun way to inspire your kids with the spirit of the season? A terrific alternative to the Elf on the Shelf tradition, from Anna at The Imagination Tree.

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Here in the northern hemisphere it's goodbye to the beach. Hello to shorter days. Time for more delicious smells in the kitchen, more fires, more candlelight, more stories.

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“Why do you want your child to hurry up? Because you're done and figure he’s had long enough to finish? Because you have something else to do? If so, can that wait so that you can give your child the time he needs? Because you've promised to be somewhere? ... If you are constantly rushing from one place to the next (doctor’s appointment, haircut, playgroup, music lessons) have you taken on too much? Should you plan more downtime in your schedule so you have more time to be patient? More time for play and cuddles?” - phdinparenting Now that kids are back in school and activities, are you noticing that life is too busy?  Most of us take it for granted that we're always rushing from one thing to the next. That we have a never-ending to-do list that keeps us from catching our breath, never mind catching a sunset together. But it costs us.  And it costs our kids even more.  Our society is so hooked on adrenalin that we don't acknowledge the high price our children pay for our lifestyle.  Rushing our children through life:

1. Influences the developing brain. Your child's brain is being built every day, and the shape it takes depends on his daily experience. Some neurologists hypothesize that reinforcing neural pathways in a daily context of stressful hyper-stimulation creates a brain with a life-long tendency to anxiety.....

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“Parents have to be experts at reconnecting.” -- Dr. Lawrence Cohen Yesterday, we addressed Katherine’s question about what to do when you're having a hard day and getting impatient with your child. The first step when you're in a bad mood is  always to check in with yourself and shift your own state so that you're feeling better. Tough? Yes, but it gets easier with practice, and what an invaluable skill. (Here's the post on how to regain your equilibrium.)  Once you feel a bit less tense, you'll think better, and you'll be able to reach out to your child in a more relaxed way that invites a warm response. Here's how.

1. Create safety. If things have gotten tense between you, the first priority is always to restore a sense of safety, so neither of you feels threatened. If your child is in "fight or flight," you can help her relax by summoning up all your warmth and compassion. You might begin with a big hug, or at least with a warm smile. 

"I'm sorry I snapped at you....I was getting anxious. Let's try a do-over....Here's what I meant to say..."

2. Partner with your child by acknowledging what she wants at the same time that you clarify what you need in the situation. Re-affirm your desire to find a win-win solution by focusing on what really matters, not on controlling your child to get your way. 

"Sweetie, let's find a way to make this work for both of us. I hear you want....and right now I need....What can we do so we're both happy?"

3. Get back in sync with your child using play. No child can resist an invitation to play, at least once they feel safe. Play reconnects us by triggering connection hormones like oxytocin. And if your child is acting out, laughter is often the perfect way to help her shift the stress hormones that are making her tense and difficult. Every child (and adult!) needs plenty of hearty laughter every day. 

Of course, if you're feeling tense, play will be the last thing you want to do. So always start with shifting your own mood first. Then, ease into it. You don't have to put on a circus act. Just aim for a lighter tone: "Excuse ME, you silly guy, do you think you're a cat with your face in that cereal bowl?"

Sometimes, though, high-intensity kids get really revved up. To re-connect, they need us to match their high level of energy. This can be especially true if they're picking up and expressing the anxieties of the adults around them. With kids like this, you may need to be higher energy, even a bit outrageous. 

"What do you mean, NO?! I'm the Queen of the Jungle, and when I say it's time, it's time! You want to hear my loud roar? Rooooaaarrrr!....Bet you can't roar that loud?  Oh, my, listen to you!! Oh, my poor ears!  You have a mighty powerful roar!!! Okay, but who's stronger?  Put your hands up against mine and see if you can push me across the room...." 

This gets both of you giggling, gets out a lot of energy, and completely shifts the dynamic so that five minutes later, you and your child are a team once again. After matching the high-intensity, you can even help your child down-shift his energy level:

"But can you do a mouse squeak?  I bet you can't squeak as softly as I can...See, I know mouse language...Squeak, squeak, squeak...Guess what I was saying?"

And what if your child doesn't respond to play? It may be that he's beyond laughter, and just needs to cry. Stay as compassionate as you can, and help him soften into those more vulnerable emotions that are driving him to act out. Tears aren't bad -- they're essential for us to work through pain. Once your child has a chance to cry, he'll be in your arms looking to reconnect. And I guarantee your day will get a whole lot better.  

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By one of my favorite photographers, Crushed Red Pepper. http://www.flickr.com/photos/crushedredpepper/

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Henry, age 3, is playing with Sophie, 15 months, by grabbing a toy away from her. Sophie loves his attention and giggles at this interesting game, especially because he restores the toy to her every time.  But Henry is getting rougher each time, and Sophie is clinging harder to the toy. He wrenches it away from her.  Sophie bursts into tears.  Henry, feeling guilty, says “You act like a baby!” and reaches out and shoves her down, hard.  Now Sophie is wailing.

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Parents often ask me how to get along with their suddenly volatile preteen daughter.  It’s a shock when your previously sweet little girl starts tantrumming again.  Twelve year old girls can be moody, over-dramatizing, self-centered, focused almost solely on friends, close-mouthed, surly, back-talking and condescending to parents.  They can, of course, also be mature, affectionate and delightful, but at their worst they’re a cross between the most challenging aspects of toddlers and teens.

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What are some simple and straight forward things to make yourself happier? We brought together the best research about what will make yourself happier:

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One of my very favorite photos, by Autumn Sproles. http://www.flickr.com/photos/autumnfawn/

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"Dr. Laura, I know I can't raise healthy kids if I'm always flying off the handle, but do you have any tips on staying centered with two kids? I just don't have time to do the things I used to do to take care of myself, like going to the gym. I'm so tired all the time!" - Emily "Dr. Laura, I'm great with my kids on vacation.  But most of the time, I'm just so stressed out, my default is yelling!" - David

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Photo from the talented Ana June of http://www.anajunecreative.com/

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We talked yesterday about getting rid of what drains you so you feel more energetic and alive.  But what if you’ve found a whole list of things you don’t like and can’t eliminate?  Maybe, for instance, your children--or at least some of their behavior!

Kids aren’t “perfect” any more than we are. Your baby resists diaper changes, your two year old runs away from you in the park, your three year old only likes white food, your four year old shrieks when there’s a tag in her clothing, your five year old wets the bed….And we haven’t even started with your finances, body, or love life.  How can you “feel good" when life has so many obstacles?

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Summer reading!

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"Usually our ideas of self-care are something you do, child-free, to care for yourself. But what if this form of self-care isn’t possible? Self care can be as simple as taking deep breaths while you are sitting with a screaming child. Having a cup of tea while you read your child a book... I really like this idea of self-care because it doesn’t make having kids and self-care mutually exclusive. I do go out to dance classes and yoga on my own, but when I can’t or don’t, I crank the music loud at home and do my own dance class." – Deborah Purcell The #1 Resolution of parents everywhere?  Be more patient. But having to summon up your patience is a signal that your cup is already dangerously empty.  Will-power only takes us so far.  The real job is keeping your cup full so you can handle the inevitable little disasters of daily life, when your child falls off the swing or poops on the floor or bashes his brother.

Self-care is essential not only to remain patient, but also to experience the joy and delight that is present -- not always noticed -- in every day with our children, even the tough ones (days and kids!). Children love our joyful presence. They respond by becoming happier and more cooperative. No matter what our child does, it's our response that determines the weather in our home. 

If you're finding yourself frequently resentful, depleted or exhausted, if your mind chatter often includes negative thoughts about your child, or if you're yelling at your child on a regular basis, you may be suffering from what I call SAP Disorder -- Sacrificing yourself on the Altar of Parenthood. 

That's when we forget to give ourselves the attention we need.  It isn't good for us to feel deprived.  It kills our natural joy.  And it isn't good for our kids, who end up with a resentful, negative, impatient parent. (Guess whether that helps them behave better.)

Does that mean you should tell your child she can forget about getting her needs met, that it's about time your needs came first? No, of course not. Parenting is about nurturing your child, which means noticing what she needs and trying to make sure she gets it.

But we can only be "good" parents to the degree that we parent ourselves. So monitoring our own moods, and returning ourselves to a state of feeling good -- or at least calm -- is one of the most important responsibilities of parenting.

That can seem impossible, when at any given moment there are so many demands on your time. The solution is to tend to ourselves as well as we can each moment of the day, just as we do our child. To honor both our needs and theirs. How? Here are five ways...