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Hazel Gianni
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for the first time in 6 whole months, i want to relapse. so. fucking. bad.
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a bitch needs a care. today. my ride is no longer available. i can’t wait to get my license and hopefully a care within the next month.
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lmfao vitaliy is leaving for boot camp in February and not seeing him for two days while he was at meps was hell. i don't know how people date people in the military bc i don't know how I'm gonna do 13 weeks of no communication other than me writing him.
we've been talking for a while and we've been best friends for over a year and friends since 3rd grade and I've never been with someone that I've known for as long as I've been with him, so letting him in is actually harder than it was to let in miro or Nathan. he doesn't know how bad my eating disorder it. he doesn't know that even thought I eat, I just throw it up which is why I'm still tiny. he knows I'm bipolar and knows I'm fucked up, but he doesn't know everything. he knows I was molested but he doesn't know when or what happened. I was able to tell miro but i don't know if I'll ever be able to tell vitaliy. not because I don't trust him yanno? but because he knew me when it happened.
he also doesn't know about gg. he knows some about it. but he doesn't know how much she fucked me up. he heard me Compain some when I lived with her, but I didn't tell him everything. I was able to tell miro everything, but I feel so scared to tell vitaliy and i don't know why but it fucks me all the way up.
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BRUH HHHHH YOU'RE FUCKING WILD. I CAN'T EVEN BE MAD BECAUSE YOU'RE SO DAMN RIGHT. LMDALKKKOODHSJSNHDJDND BRUH YOU FUCKING WILD THO
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let's keep this here for safe keeping. no one but Maddie will ever see this. this was a mistake.
but I kinda fixed it.
Maddie is my savior. she came to my rescue when no one else would. she took me to Walmart so I could get brown hair dye. fuck me for fucking up so bad.
never bleach your hair and then use red hair dye unless it's GINGER DYE LMFAOOOL
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me? being hurt by being blocked even tho it shouldn't matter bc it was obvious awhile ago that you didn't wanna talk to me? more likely than u thought! a bitch is crying for no reason lol.
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also people just keep fucking making me feel worse about myself even though I KNOW I've really done nothing wrong. but the constant batter and being gone at constantly drains me and fucking overwhelms me and holy fucking shit I wish people would just fucking stop. I've come clean about EVERYTHING to EVERYONE and I haven't fucking lied to anyone about jack shit for so long so yeah I'm fucking tired of people accusing me of shit. like fuck off. I'm not fucking lying i don't fucking care enough about anything to lie. lmfao. I'm fucking done. I could love the fuck out of you, but if you ask me something, I'm gonna tell you the blunt, honest truth, even if I think it's gonna hurt you.
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LMFAOOO I FINALLY GOT THE COURAGE TO STEP ON A SCALE AND I'M FUCKING 108. ONE HUNDRED AND FUCKING EIGHT. I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF LMFAO. IVE HAD NO FUCKING SELF CONTROL FOR THE PAST MONTH BECAUSE I'VE BEEN FUCKING MANIC AND HEARTBROKEN AND FUCKING UPSET IN GENERAL AND HOLY FUCKING SHIT I'M GOING TO ACTUALLY END UP KILLING MYSELF IF I DON'T GET THESE FUCKING MEDS IN OCTOBER JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
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lol I'm getting so depressed again I can't wait until my fucking psych appt like yes let's get these chemicals flowing through me so I stop wanting to die.
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lol tomorrow would've been one year. here I am fucking sobbing over everything. I fucking wish everything had worked out.
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also the past month I've been so upset and so stressed that I've been stress eating and I don't have a scale but I know I'm at least 105 now, if not more and I had gotten down to almost 95 and today I realized how much weight I've gained and had a mental breakdown at work and cried in the bathroom. lol maybe I'm a little exhausted from working 10 days in a row.
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lol you ever see something and feel guilty but then suddenly realize that ya, I was kinda a bitch, but I was a bitch because I decided to defend myself and confront people ab how they treated me. bc like?? yeah?? maybe I hurt u but it takes a lot of things adding up to make me upset enough to retaliate and defend myself.
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