drop-killa

[drop-killa]

Being Honest

**trigger warning: diet culture, purging, and self-loathing** This isn’t a post where I’m self-loathing about my diet culture; it’s a piece of writing about being completely honest and raw about my personal experiences.

So this whole entire blog started because I made an Instagram account, a private one apart from my regular public one, as a form of accountability on my fitness journey. My goals of this fitness journey are to return back to the size I was before I got foot surgery 6 months ago and fit back into my old jeans. THAT BEING SAID I only want to lose 20-30lbs... THAT BEING SAID I am 5′5″ and my goal weight is around 180-190lbs. That’s not most peoples goal weight but I am just a whole lotta woman. I quickly gained weight after both serious injuries I’ve had in my life and I am having a lot of trouble losing it this second time around. Moving on: life is not all about losing weigh but I am uncomfortable. My goal weight is not 120lbs ok? It’s just to return to a normal comfortable size where my clothes fit.

I have been posting “everyday” on my countdown to Bonnaroo in June of 2020. I started typing out this super long caption and I decided it deserved a better home. This blog post doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but me.

Ok so I deleted IG off my phone and honestly I have missed: pictures of cats, rave memes, and posting on my private account.

I've been home alone for almost 2 weeks and I have been absolutely destroying my diet. By diet I just mean "general intake of nutritious food"

I'm not ON a diet: it's a word to explain your nutritional intake

My mom and I live together. She’s pretty woke for being born in 1968 and having lived through an entirely different period of diets and cultural norms but she definitely still has some pretty toxic diet relationships that she will never unlearn. So unfortunately I grew up in a household with some seriously toxic food and diet conversations. I remember when I first hit puberty and started showing cellulite on the back of my thighs my mom was making me do pilates with her because she was convinced I would hate myself when I got older for having cellulite.

She's been out of town.

Being out of the sight of someone who definitely judges me for what I eat is actually doing more damage than being around her. One greasy day of eating shouldn't budge the scale but 2 weeks of greasy eating surely will....

The extent to which I binge is absolutely unbelievable. My relationship with food is not healthy but not in the way that I’m always seeing being talked about online. Right now it’s super acceptable to be have recovered from an ED like anorexia and accepting the fact that you’re 130lbs instead of 100lbs and workout a lot. The people I see preaching about accepting their bodies, besides Ashley Graham and Tess Holiday, are not the kind of bodies that I can relate to.

I feel like my life will be a forever battle against chewing my nails until they bleed, and potential obesity just sitting over the horizon. I don’t know if that’s normal or that’s a real worry I should have.

I used to binge AND purge. BAD. I really don’t like when people describe foods as “bad” or “oh I was so good today” because that’s obviously a socially acceptable toxic mindset that I would not like to participate in. On the other hand: Purging IS bad. Eating yourself sick with the intention to puke it up afterwards is bad bad bad. I take full responsibility for my own self harm and I also can remember exactly where it started. My best friend, my day one and my forever girl, took about a year apart from each other unintentionally and sowed our own wild oats. She got a boyfriend and I hung around a girl who smoked cigarettes and lost weight by bulimia. I was so inspired by the idea that I could eat anything in the fucking world and just throw it up after and i fucking did. I have been battling depression for what feels like my entire fucking life and this was a super low point, historically, that I saw as a super high point at the time. A lightbulb went off. I don’t think I ever even binged that bad before this time. And unfortunately  the damage cannot be undone.

I have a shit history of self harm- I'm not gonna go into those details. Being an intelligent teenager is difficult and that's another story.

I am known for talking and being unashamed and being honest and open and trying to relate to people on a real level. There are some really uncomfortable and disturbing traumatic experiences in my life that I just won’t ever want to talk about. I never want them to be the subject of any discussion. This is one of the biggest secrets I ever kept. I don’t know that I was ashamed at the time but I liked it so much that I didn’t want to share it with anyone else. I knew what other people would have to say about it and I didn’t want to have to stand there and react and pretend like I was going to change while they gasped and scolded me.  It’s actually kind of funny because tumblr was the BIBLE for kids with eating disorders. All of the realest, darkest information for frustrated teens was on tumblr back in the day. It was the dark teenagers of my generations gateway into the depths of human psyche. It was the first place I read about kids who fucking hated themselves and look- here I am telling this story for the first time on the only vessel I ever learned it on in the first place. Tumblr has always been a safe anonymous place for self-loathing.

I don’t know that this story was ever going anywhere specific and that’s why it was moved from an IG caption to an entire blog. I don’t know that I’ve ever hated myself but I have treated myself so, so poorly.

So I’ve been home alone for 2 weeks and I have been binging so much. I have been such a fucking anxious mess and I appreciated the space during this time because I don’t always want to explain myself - sometimes I just wanna fucking cry my eyes out while I’m blow drying my hair. I do miss having people around to remind myself of normal functions of life like: vegetables and sleep and normal bed times. I’m giving up on this post but I like typing better than journaling so I believe I will continue.