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[droppingthebasssince1997]

Its been a solid while since I’ve posted something. June I'm gonna assume? Well things were going good over the summer. Worked 2 jobs at a summer camp and Richmond and at tap house it was lit made bank. I lived each day to the fullest but at the end of the day there was that unsettled feeling inside of me. ANYWAYS I'm almost done my first semester of third year. Finals start tomorrow and we’re back at square one. I got my heart completely broken before my first final. I don't know why he couldn't wait like 5 days till i was done with finals but whatever it is his life as well. I remember reading in my last blog about how 2018 was gonna be my year and shit well fuck that lol. it took a harsh af turn for the worse and better. I got hurt so much but i did become so much tougher and stronger from all these experiences. I got made ink fever and got 6 tatts in a year and i don't plan on stopping. This year, i grew from a small shy fearful insecured girl to a strong confident boss ass bitch. I was so lost at the beginning of the year and was constantly dependent on someone. Don't get me wrong, i still am but i have grown so much emotionally and mentally its feels different. I can handle my emotions better, I can react to things better and lastly I'm learning to see the truth to everything. But anyways thats that and i honestly hate men with a passion. Grandma keeps telling me the right one is out there but i highly doubt so, i think mans got his by a bus cause he didn't look before crossing the streets cuz men are trash and idiotic period. But anyways ive got 5 finals to kill before i can go back and trip hard on some MOLLY but anyways have a good december future aar, you have lots waiting for you (success wise i hope lmaooo) u got this girl, chin up princess if not the crown slips. SEE YOU IN 2019

[droppingthebasssince1997]

its been a while but fake nails are off so i can type like a normal human again! my summer so far has been good but a tad bit weird. defs living my best life like i had planned. going out with girlfriends, having casual drinks, wearing cute summer outfits bomb.com. march was such a stressful month for me i can't believe it i made it out alive. i had a great birthday month with amazing friends and well we’re at june. I got a full time job offer at a cute biking camp for kids but got another interview so we’ll see but yeah thats that. my anxiety has been pretty manageable over the past month (mainly because I'm at home with my support group), but I'm defs feeling way better and more emotionally stable esp about my condition. but anyways hopefully i wouldn't have to blog soon cause that means anxiety but bye off 2 eat sum dim sum 

[droppingthebasssince1997]

shaved after a month and just it reminded me that i got one beautiful pussy. man i feel EmPoWeReD N pOwErFuL

[droppingthebasssince1997]

I'm scared. you made me feel safe. you literally protected me but at the same time made me life on my own but i always had you there at the end of the day. I'm so lost without you and i don't even want to show it because i don't want you thinking I'm dependent on you and i need to prove it to myself that i dont need anyone but me and weed because at the end of the day everyone leaves me don't they? lmao fuck feelings 

[droppingthebasssince1997]

everything around me is running like everything is ok and i guess I'm trying to tell myself that everything is okay but everything is not ok. I'm not ok and I'm a little lost 

[droppingthebasssince1997]

i have fake nails so typing is gonna be hard af. but i took some time off to myself after my finals on thursday. english was ok economics was a pure bitch but if anything was bad, it would be the fact that edwin and I broke up. he didn't think it was worth it to risk it from a 4 month relationship. understandable. but i guess its how fast everything went down. we went from talking to my final to him saying “ill talk to you whenever have a good life and take care”. idk why he did it like that. so abruptly and it totally caught me off guard ya know. i was in shock i guess like we joked about it from whatever has been going on for the past 2 weeks but i never thought that it might actually be a possibility? but anyways i didn't say much, i didn't know what to say or how to respond. but i felt a huge anxiety attack on its way and i couldn't talk but i broke down as soon as he hung up. i couldn't control myself. i mean sometimes i can control myself and calm down but i couldn't. gurveen came and cheered me up and helped me pack a little. i was just so lost and out of it. i guess it was a reality check for me. i seriously thought i would have things together by now, healthy, non-herpes blood, in love with my best friend and i would've moved back for the summer. we had so many plans for the summer, he didn't even buy me flowers or take me to a picnic and thats all ive ever wanted. I guess it broke my heart cause i thought he was the one. i was genuinely happy. i didn't need to be stoned or drunk or high to love him, and he knew me so well that he actually helped me life when i struggled and he knew exactly how to make me feel better as well. this sucks. everything sucks. i was finally looking forward to spending my summer here and seeinghfm everyday. but now we don't even talk haha. and thats what hurt me the most. how he just cut me off from his life completely and so sudden. deleted all his pics on insta within the next 2 hours. i had the worst anxiety attack and tiffs when i saw the he deleted it i couldn't talk. i miss my best friend more than anything. life just doesn't feel the same without him around. surrey doesn't feel like surrey without my surrey hindu boy. something is missing and my heart is heavy. sleeping has been hard even though I'm stoned every night. all i needed ever since i got diagnosed was a hug. i asked him everyday for a hug because thats all i needed. a hug from him. but thats the last thing I'm getting now lmao. but anyways ive realized that its life and I'm just going to have to deal with it i guess. i had a great 420 with my friends whom love me and then moved out from atrium and went to the hot springs with the fam. got so wine drunk and stoned lmao. but i disconnected and relaxed (also cause no connection and wifi) but it was nice. i forgot about everything and spent time with the fam which was much needed. anyways this is how I'm going to pick myself up from this. staying healthy. i need to exercise a lot more. get my immune system back up to prevent outbreaks. also to get a tanned body for summer. i need to work on my self esteem and personal problems. i need to enjoy my summer, do things, see things, explore and just be more out there. i stick to my comfort zone instead of trying other things (another thing edwin taught me lmao) lmao edwin texted me out of the blue. but at this point i need to stay healthy and prevent outbreaks and get real with my diagnosis. i got this

[droppingthebasssince1997]

its the one you don't expect to hurt you that hurts you 

[droppingthebasssince1997]

got a 3 hour final at 6pm and its currently 3:28pm and i should be reviewing or getting ready to head out to campus. My minds in a completely different place. the worst thing i could have imagined happened and it hit me so out of the blue that i did not see it coming. and the timing could not have been better!!!! 1 week before school ends and during finals week :) its bad enough i got other issues and anxiety lmao. so i got tested positive for herpes which is a sexually transmitted disease and never did i ever thought that it would come back positive. Yeah ive had hook ups but i just didn't think it was possible up until got the call in the middle of my day at 12:13pm on a friday. I think I'm still in shock and slowly accepting it. its just really hard you know cause ive tried to do everything to make this year a great year. stopped doing drugs, finally got the courage to break up with a horrible boyfriend, got out of academic probation, got a part time job at kumon and worked as much as i could so i didn't have to depend on my parents for money. i tried handling and learning to cope with my anxiety but at the end of the day none of that matters. because I'm stuck and completely lost. I feel disgusting and gross. i can't stand to look at myself or even feel myself. everything i do or think is disgusting. ive already taken my third shower of the day and its not even evening yet. my sexuality and body was my confidence booster. whenever i got a cute outfit on i always felt myself and would think that nothing could ever defeat me or knock me down cause I'm hot and beautiful as fuck. but despite having a full face of make up on and a cute outfit and getting drinks with girlfriends, it just kept hitting me that i have herpes at the most random times. i had to switch straws with my friends and put my dip on the other side separate because I'm trying to be considerate and i know how shit can be passed on to other people. i feel disgusting in my own body when i just started to learn how to love it. my old eating habits are back. i can't eat up until the evening and when i do i still feel sick. i think my body’s slowly shutting down on me. subconsciously it’s going into defensive mode and i know me and my defensive mode haha has happened more than one lmao. on top of all of this theres edwin. i don't even know where to begin with him except for the fact that I'm in love with my best friend and that i might loose both the good things going on in my life because of this. i don't know how i contracted it or who infected me but he just got a test done this friday so i guess we’ll wait for the results to comeback. he pretty much made up his mind about everything and i do see where he’s coming from. if i were in his situation i would be doing the same thing. i just feel like a fucking bitch and skank and disgusting for sleeping with him when i didn't full check myself out. like for anything i know i could have transmitted it to him and could've had it years ago but just never knew you know? I'm just terrified of needles and i thought a pap smear covered everything but i guess it didn't. basically if he’s negative then we’re pretty much breaking up because i don't want to drag him down and it wouldn't make sense for him to risk it. and if he’s positive then we stay together and work through this together i guess. just after all of this it kinda hurts me because he’s only staying with me because he’s positive and probably won't be able to find anyone else and would be hard to date. but i wanted the guy I'm with to be with me because they love me no matter what. and it kinda shows he doesn't love me no matter what and i think thats just hurting the most. but then at the same time i understand that he is doing this because I'm dirty and he’s clean and i get it i would have probably done the same thin gin the exact same situation. i guess my minds just cloudy and i can't think straight at all. i don't know where to go form this or who to talk and confide in. i do have my girlfriends but i just don't feel comfortable talking to them about it cause what if they judge me (despite them telling me that they;re there for good i just feel like what if you know) i keep thinking what if and have been dwelling on a lot of past experiences that happened in my time in canada and i guess its just very overwhelming but ill be okay. i just need to find a way to tell my mom first things first because everything will be okay once i tell her that. but thats that and lets hope i kill this final cause gender equality am i right?

[droppingthebasssince1997]

Its been a while. I’ve decided that this is going to be my journal kinda to keep my thoughts in check when I'm having an anxiety attack, or feeling down or angry or just whenever my minds running fast with a million things on it. the past few weeks have been really weird for me. I’ve been feeling less emotionally stable and ive been smoking a whole load of weed thats for sure. I felt super impulsive yesterday and ended up getting my first tattoo. two actually. Ive been wanting the ohm sign for a while and i got it at the back of my neck. Respectable placing and easy to hide considering my career track lmao. it wasn't too bad and the pain was tolerable but the second one i got was the semi colon for suicide awareness. last june, 2017, i had a slip and tried to take my own life. I don't like telling people about it or event talking about it to people. I don't know why but i feel like its something so personal to me that i just don't want anyone knowing of it.  i had hit rock bottom and till this day it shakes me a little bit as i remember every single bit of it. And i guess when i got the tattoo, it hurt like a bitch cause it was so close to my veins i guess, but it just brought back memories and thoughts of all the times i thought of killing myself when i was younger and my actual attempt. all of these memories just flushed thru my head when I was getting the tattoo done and i found it to be a little weird but it did affect me for a bit. It still is. and i don't know how to feel about that. but i guess I'm  just feeling a little sentimental and emotional thinking about that. and I also really miss edwin. it really sucks that we have to do long distance till I'm down with uni which is pretty much our entire relationship. I loose faith sometimes but then seeing him on facetime or being on the phone reminds me how much i love him and how it was meant to be. I know i love him and i wanna be with him but lately he has been super busy and so have I but i just wish we could figure something out but at the same time i understand that we both have a life and responsibilities. But thats about it for now i should get back to studying lmao 

[droppingthebasssince1997]

[droppingthebasssince1997]

sometimes i don't think people actually understand what I'm trying to say and it frustrates me. I wish they could see things through my lens and perspective. I’ve been so angry and short tempered lately and my mind has been going to places where i didn't think it would. I’m just frustrated of hiding and not being able to speak up for what i believe in. I just wanna make a change or do something with my life. The last thing i had accomplished was PSLE which happened when I was 12 other than that i did nothing but switch around schools and flunk more and more. Like i know i fucked up hard and that should have been my wake up call and I am woke (lol) now but I'm still not happy. I want to do something meaningful and exciting with my life. And i just feel like i don't have anyone to talk too. yeah i have a great and amazing boyfriend and he is my best friend but i just wish i was going through my 20′s with a girlfriend. and i can't stop pushing him away. its like a habit. no matter how hard i try not to push him away i still do. if I'm upset or having an off day its like my emotions take charge and control of me and I jus push him away sometimes without even realizing it I just think he would be way better off with someone else. theres so many girls that are closer to him, probably not as broke as me, they probably independent, got their own car make bank and arent drug addicts without baggage, they probably got their lives together and don't have anxiety or depression, someone who lives in van and can see him whenever they can because they don't have curfew like me and they probably don't even have to ask their parents for permission everytime they leave the house ugh i don't know theres just another girl out there thats better for him.  Like right now, instead of talking about this to a fucking computer screen i wish i could talk to someone in person about it. idk I'm in a very weird mood today and I'm super off. i just want someone to validate the way i feel about certain things. I’ve stopped crying too. I think everything I'm some weak bitch like i used to be when i was with josh or just my weak emotional years before that. I either hold it in or i cry in private. I hate it when i randomly feel upset or start to cry. could've cried 5 times tonight and another three time while writing this but the strong me saw it as weak and idk i guess just crying brings back memories about me being weak and not powerful. anyways i don't know what I'm feeling or why I'm feeling this way but its my feelings and i just thought id get things out of my mind rather than crying over it or getting drunk OR doing cocaine because damn ive been having a strong urge for it tonight esp since I'm so mad and angry but at the same time i don't want it? its weird but lol anyways thats that 

[droppingthebasssince1997]

[droppingthebasssince1997]

I always dreamt about having that one best friend forever. Switched primary schools 3 times, and moved around SOTA and semi so i kinda lost my friends along the way. but when i moved to canada my sister and I got closer than anything else. we used to hate each other and have beef everyday or just rat each other out. but everything changed when we moved half way across the country and knew no one out here. we got so close and i knew no one could ever replace her. and even tho she's my baby sister and its not cool to be friends with someone younger or your own sister, i saw it as the best friendship i ever got in my entire life. and she's been there for everything since i was 4 lmao. but shit happened and she practically cut me out of her life. I don't know what she does, she even ended our snapchat streak and we had it going for like 100+ days. she can't even confide in me or talk to me about everything that happened and thats what thats killing me. i Just want her to open up so i can help her because i know she's hurting but she won't tell anyone and i care about her so much she's my baby sister and if i had the chance, i wish i knocked that dude out hard. but anyways i hope i get my sister back soon because i miss her and us. and yeah ill still choose her as my bridesmaid despite everything because which other best friend do i have out there that i trust and love enough. just hurt that i lost my best friend and baby sister thats all 

[droppingthebasssince1997]

[droppingthebasssince1997]

you ever get addicted to that burning feeling in you tummy when you don't eat for a while because you think and feel your tummy getting smaller and your fat just going away? well, not that anyone would understand. 

[droppingthebasssince1997]

Even though I'm sitting in my english lecture right now and supposed to be focusing about this article we just read, my mind can't. For the past 3 weeks my mind just hasn't been here. And i think its because of what had happened 2-3 months ago. Till this day i don't know how to talk about it or what to even think about what had happened. I did finally open up to a random counsellor about what happened and tbh it did help a little but seeing the doctor for the second time did bring back a lot of emotions and feelings that i had just shoved under the rug. I thought I had moved on and admitted that everything was going to be okay and that it was partially my fault. I think its time for me to write about what actually happened but I still can't. I thought i was ready up till now but as i was about to write and talk about it i just froze. but anyways I'm hoping ill be able to talk about what happened or deal with my emotions soon because its killing me and i don't know how much longer i can go on.

[droppingthebasssince1997]

Even though its January 14th and new years was 14 days ago i just feel the need to talk about some stuff thats happened. Im not the kind of person to talk about things that happened. I’d rather keep it in and figure it out myself cause i guess I'm just used to it and also its so hard for me to voice out my emotions at some times. I just can never put it into words. 2017 was honestly the hardest year of my life and i know there are people out there who have it way worse but it was pretty shitty. So many things happened. I fell in love with an abusive, angry, self indulged coke head who made me hate myself and made me feel like everything i did in life was stupid. I stopped believing in myself, slacked hella in school, skipped school to basically be his fucking maid. all i did was clean, cook, sleep, drink and repeat this entire cycle. and if he was having a rough day well that just meant that id get yelled at for the tiniest things even if it means us arguing over who could get a can of pop. I guess thats when i stopped caring about everything, my mental health and physical health, my relationship with my family and friends (the 2 friends that i had lol) and my education. I was so lost and confused that I had pretty much given up on everything. I stopped trying to be positive or doing everything with a smile like i usually do. Long story short I had a little slip on june 9th. that was the day when i decided to end everything. fortunately enough i got stopped and long story short i got slapped with a record for trying to call out for help. Instead of saying its okay for wanting everything to stop in life for once, the first thing the psychiatrist told me at 12pm (after being taken in at 4am and being kept there) was that i was slapped with a criminal record. After he said that i guess i just shut down as usual. why the fuck would you consider someone a criminal for trying to kill themselves. Till this day i can't put the pieces together or come up with an idea of why they would do so. yes i had empty blow bags in my wallet and maybe its because i was drinking that night but still it made no sense in my head. It made me feel unimportant and unworthy despite everything that i had just went through. I didn’t talk to anyone for 3 days and funny story even tho i was told to stay away from alcohol my ex and his fam still got drunk and drank around me the entire night. the same night i got out of the hospital. I spent the first night alone because well everyone was partying and I didn't have any good friends to talk to. I lost kalli because i was dating a jerk and i lost kayla well basically because she had a busy life. long story short my parents found out i was lying about doing summer school and i went back to live with them beginning july. i really broke their hearts and my dad didn't talk to me or even look at me for 2 weeks. My dad is a sweetheart and in my 20 years on this planet he has raised his voice at me once and he apologized 30 minutes after. I really hurt them and I guess i waS still to dumb to see how i was still hurting them. i was still with josh the entire summer and i would come home hammered and coked out at 3 in the morning way past my curfew and fight with my parents. it got so bad once to the point where my dad and i got almost got into a physical fight. I was trying to leave the house and he grabbed all my stuff and chucked it. It was a horrible night. that was also the night i came clean to my mom about everything except coke because i don't think i could ever come clean about it. long story short i decided education was what i wanted to do for the rest of my life esp after having a great time during the summer being a summer camp leader. So i went back to kelowna to start year 2 well kinda. I was on probation cause i fucked year 1 up hard. i was still with that jerk but my good friends that i lived with made me realize what he was doing to me. he had me shoved up against car doors and walls while being right up in my face yelling at me. or getting made and pushing me because i accidentally lost cocaine. well i finally got the courage to break up with him for good. It was probably the hardest thing i have ever done. I never thought i could break up with him or get out of that abusive relationship. and sometimes it still hits me that I'm done with his bullshit for good and I'm okay. Im safe and I'm never going back there and he can never ever hurt me again. I guess I'm just scared and so fucking angry at myself for not seeing everything and the larger picture. I called myself a feminist for the longest time and would be like “how can girls stay in abusive relationships?” and now i know how. Being manipulated and controlled is a real thing. You are completely blinded by everything. your sense of power and identity get ripped away from you and your abuser becomes the only thing you have and find comfort in. Its weird and some people might not understand it. But i sure do and i finally realized all the things he had done to me. mentally and emotionally. anyways this is where 2017 got better for me. I started talking to my old friend edwin again. Josh made me ghost him when we got together. we talked everyday. it was like nothing had changed and within 2 days of talking to him i basically told him everything that happened in a year and 7 months. it was a lot tbh and i never actually noticed haha. but he stuck thru everything including my wild drunk nights out. I turned into something else and hoed around. I guess it was my way of dealing with stuff and found comfort in seeing guys? Because i didn't know who i was and my confidence was so used to being dependent on a guy for security and empowerment that i couldn't do it alone. I couldn't empower myself and thats mainly the reason to why i slept around. anyways edwin and i talked 25/7 day and night and we got so close without even realizing it. we gave each other relationship advice as he was seeing a couple girls and so was I. when i came back for reading break he kissed me and thats when i realized he had feelings for me all this while. I was so blinded by all these fuck boys to see he was right under my nose the entire time. and when he was flirting with me he actually was flirting with me and not joking about it. well i made a mistake after but long story short i liked him in an instant. i liked him more than like. i loved him but i knew it was too soon. i was scared to get serious so fast considering its only been a couple months since i broke up with josh. anyways he asked me out and i said yes in a heartbeat. He is not like any other guy and i know it. he’s far from them and he;s never going to hurt me. he didn't even have to say that to reassure me i just know. and I'm dating my best friend like how much better could it get. he helped me get sober and i could be 5 months sober but i had slip up. so its been 2 months fully clean and i couldn't feel anymore cleaner and pure. end of 2017 started to look better for me. I started dating my best friend, got sober, got out of probation, got a job in kelowna and my relationship with my parents got so so so strong. My mom and I haven't been closer and its honestly the best. little did i know we are the same person esp when drunk haha. But then some stuff with my little sister when down and i ratted her to my parents because it was the only way to get her out of that situation. anyways she doesn't talk to me anymore or ever. And i guess I'm so hurt and thats why i decided to write everything out because I'm hurt. I lost my best friend since 2013. yes she is my sister but she is also my best friend. If you ask me who i want as my bridesmaid id say shalini right off the hook. without thinking because when we moved here we had no one but each other. we moved half way across the country and left everything and everyone behind just because I  was failing school in singapore. we got close i guess after only having each other and it just stings a little that she can't trust me cause who do i trust now.I know i have edwin but its different. she’s my sister she just knows me like no body else. we were fobs together and we matured and grew together. i don't have any other girl friends i trust besides her. i don't have a girl best friend and i guess I'm just sad over that. I lost all my girl best friends cause of josh and the others are back home half way across the fucking world and i just don't mean as much as i used to to them. distance and time difference can play a part lol. I really don't know what got to me to talk about everything or at least a couple things but maybe its just cause i finally got my period after 3 months and I'm super emotional and hormonal? sighs anyways i know 2018 is going to be my year and so many things are happening this year its defs gonna be a year to remember. I just wish for my best friend to come back or for me to find a good girlfriend who's on my level and wants to talk to me about her date or texts me while she;s on her date or something or comes over to nap or eat food or netflx or maybe go shopping with idk. i know i already have a friend./ twin sister  like that, hanna, but she’s half way across the country and boy have we distanced. anyways i took like 45 mins typing this out and crying so i think its time to toughen up and get back to reality and life. Im a strong girl who’s been thru a couple things and with that experience of being hurt, used and manipulated I'm gonna make a change and 2018 is going to be waaaay different. I got this, all of it.