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HOW RELATIONAL LIFE THERAPY (RLT) IS DIFFERENT FROM TRADITIONAL COUPLES THERAPY

Relational Life Therapy, aka RLT, was developed by a master couples’ therapist, Terry Real, bestselling author of New Rules of Marriage.  I began my RLT training with Terry in 2007 and immediately fell in love with this model for helping couples create long lasting, significant change in their relationships.

I have been practicing RLT with couples for the past 15 years in addition to being in the psychology profession for a total of 34 years. The following represents how I view RLT as radically different from other models of couples therapy, including traditional couples “talk therapy.”

To start, RLT employs a two-hour session every two weeks versus a one-hour weekly session. These longer sessions allow for a much “deeper dive” into the couple’s work. Because the two-hour session is more efficient and effective, I rarely ever meet with a couple for just one hour anymore. In RLT, couples are given “homework assignments” relevant to their goals. In the two weeks between sessions, it is expected that they are doing their “homework.” This creates continuity across sessions and accountability for change. 

In the first or second RLT session, each partner is given a “relational diagnosis” employing an RLT exercise called the “Grid.” They learn how and why they are “non-relational” with their partners. And they are also taught the skills to give up their non-relational behavior with their partner.

In RLT, therapists and coaches “take sides” in the couples work and are not neutral. Not all problems in a relationship are 50/50. I call it “taking turns taking sides.” This means that I will first “lean on” the partner who is the most non-relational first to begin helping that person on a journey of becoming their “best relational selves.” Each partner gets their share of being “leaned on” until momentum for change is under way. 

RLT is a direct, assertive and truth telling approach. It employs a combination of teaching, gentle but truthful feedback, and asking clients to make big individual changes. A big truth can come in the form of letting the partner know what the consequences or tradeoffs will be if those changes aren’t made at the behest of their partner.

In RLT, we do not use DSM diagnoses to label people or judge their character. Rather, we look at the “root system” of a partner’s non-relational behavior, which is often times their family of origin. We help partners “connect the dots” from their past to their present to their future selves. Deepening self-awareness like this can then become a huge contributing factor to deep, significant, and permanent change.

The beauty of RLT is that each partner is able to witness and experience the changes they are making together. Even though emphasis for change is on the individual in RLT, the synergy that is created by both partners changing at the same time is an amazing thing to witness. The choreography of this synergetic “couples dance” changes little by little, moving from stiff and dysfunctional to flowing, moving, and changing.

In traditional therapy, the therapist is the expert. In RLT, the therapist/coach is neither above nor below the client. They are “with you” as a fellow traveler in their own relational recovery. In RLT, the therapist/coach uses self-disclosure judiciously to let you know they are walking the same relational path.

Traditional therapy heals through talking, empathy and nurturing the client. These are all necessary ingredients but are not sufficient to create deep lasting change. In RLT, we teach our clients how to live relationally and to become their “best relational selves.” I help couples by giving them a “relational tool kit” that will stand the test of time across many years of their relationship.

When couples have been through one, two or more rounds of traditional couples therapy, they find my approach to RLT very refreshing and rejuvenating. I have had many couples tell me that they received more out of the first session with me than they did in months (or years) of traditional couples’ therapy. Before I began using RLT with couples, I was not a very effective couples’ therapist and it could feel very “uphill” to me and to them too. 

Now, working with couples has become such a joy and passion of mine. So much so, I have created a ten-week online couples retreat called Relational Joy! This online retreat has been designed to employ the principles and concepts of RLT along with other things I have learned along the way.

To find out more about this retreat and my work, click here: https://www.relationaljoywithdrpamstaples.com/programs

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THREE BASIC TYPES OF DYSFUNCTION IN COUPLES – Part 3

By Dr. Pam Staples

This is the final blog in a three-part series on the basic types of dysfunction found in couples. The first article in the series was on the “Hot Fighting Couple.” The second article described the “Cool Distant Couple.” This third and last one in the series is about the “Pursuer / Distance Couple.”

THE PURSUER / DISTANCER COUPLE

In the ‘hot fighting couple,” there is too much emotional reactivity and intensity. They need to learn how to cool down their relationship. In the “cool distant couple,” there is not enough emotional intensity. They need to learn how to start their emotional engines, so to speak, and go toward each other. With the pursuer / distancer couple, they have to learn how to change the choreography of their “more the more dance.”

In this type of couple, each partner has a different relational profile. The Pursuer is in a one down, boundaryless stance in the relationship.  This person has low self-esteem and can have a well-developed shame core. This person has many unmet needs in the relationship and pursues their partner to meet them, whether or not their partner wants to or is able to do so. Pursuers are sometimes referred to as “Love Addicts” or “Codependents.”

The Distancer is the opposite of the Pursuer. These partners prefer to be left alone and want to avoid closeness and connection. They are sometimes called “Love Avoidants.” They fit the profile of the partners discussed in my earlier blog on “The Cool Distant Couple.” Please refer to that for more detail.

How do Pursuers pursue their partner?  First, a Pursuer can “over function” in the relationship to get the love and approval they so desperately need and want from their partner. For example, they try very hard to be the “good and perfect” spouse, parent, neighbor, in-law, etc. They make up that if they try hard enough, that they will receive what they give. And, they are often mistaken in this mindset, unfortunately.

Another way a Pursuer pursues is to be “parked in complaint.” This is called “angry pursuit.” Imagine a partner who feels “one down” and “less than” across the board.  Then add in the assumption that their partner should be meeting more of their needs by reading his or her mind. The Pursuer truly believes that the more they complain to and about their partner, the more likely their partner will change. They have little insight that they are driving their partner further and further away. 

The Pursuer / Distancer dance has a predictable and repetitive choreography. The more she or he distances, the more she or he pursues.  The more he or she pursues, the more he or she distances. It’s called the “More the More” dance in RLT.

I just saw a couple who have this dynamic. He is withdrawn and avoidant of her. He is in a “one up, walled off” stance in the marriage and behaves in a passive aggressive manner toward her. She is in a “one down, boundary-less, angry victim” stance.  She so badly wants him to engage with her as an equal partner and as a co-parent to their young children. But she is so deeply and constantly disappointed by him and cannot trust him. She ran out of any good will toward him and unconsciously finds complaint to be her only option.

As part of the RLT model I use, we tell people the truth and I “take turns taking sides.” I told her that she is “parked in complaint and offends from the victim position” which is driving him further away. Why would he want to co-parent with her when he’s always “wrong” and can never get it right with her? So, I suggested that she turn her complaints into requests and to start acknowledging the efforts he actually does make. I also gave her an emergency kit of boundaries—both containment and protective ones. 

He, on the other hand, is angry, frustrated and constantly feels invalidated by her. He retaliates by making unilateral parental decisions that undermine her parenting efforts. I told him that he needs to stop acting like a defiant teenager in reaction to how he sees her—as a scolding mother. I suggested that he begin consulting with her, in good faith, about parenting and that they learn to negotiate middle ground for the sake of their children. This Pursuer / Distancer couple are caught in a power struggle and cannot find their way out of it. I will be helping them with self-esteem, boundaries, respect, trust, and negotiation skills, to name a few.

This is the last in my three-part series on the three basic dysfunctions couples face in their relationships. Thankfully, the RLT model I use with couples is solution based and there’s always a way to help. These Pursuer /Distancer couples can emerge from their dysfunction and transform their relationship. I do my best to help couples find their version of Relational Joy! If you or your partner are interested in learning more about my approach to helping couples change, click here to visit my website.

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THREE BASIC TYPES OF DYSFUNCTIONS IN COUPLES

As I mentioned in the first part of my three-part series of blogs, there are three basic types of dysfunctions in couples. My first blog in this series described the “Hot, Fighting Couple.” This one will describe the “Cool, Distant Couple.” The last one will discuss the “Pursuer/ Distancer Couple.”

THE COOL, DISTANT COUPLE

Many of these couples don’t seek help because they think they have a “functional, good enough” relationship. When a cool, distant couple seeks help, one of the partners decides that the distancing dynamic is intolerable and wants it to change. Meanwhile, the other partner is quite comfortable and is not so interested in changing a thing.

How does a couple find their way to this dynamic? There can be a few paths to get there. One possibility is that they each grew up in a family where the emotional climate was flat and superficial. The parents, for a variety of reasons, created a family system that became “allergic” to too much emotion. Maybe they each grew up in emotional neglect. Or perhaps they learned to shut down their outward emotional life because there was no one to share it with or anyone who cared about it. And maybe they grew up with too much emotional intensity/fighting and thus developed a deep fear of conflict and showing any vulnerability was unsafe. Shutting down emotions can be a survival mechanism in a family.

This distancing dynamic can also evolve when one partner wants more closeness than the other partner. The partner who likes to be alone and do their own thing ends up getting their way. The partner who wants closeness eventually gives up trying to get their partner to connect. So, withdrawal meets withdrawal. However, this can lead to a growing sense of silent resentment for the partner who is not getting their needs for connection met. When a couple gets to this point, they are in what we call in RLT, “comfortable misery.” They can be in a silent impasse with one steaming inside and the other not having a clue.

I have worked with many of these couples. Here’s a snapshot of one of them. In the beginning of their marriage, she thought a distant marriage was “normal” because she grew up with parents who behaved similarly.  When she began to wake up to herself, she realized she wanted more from her relationship. He reluctantly came to couples therapy because he thought the therapist would “fix her.” She came for the same exact reason—sound familiar???

I helped this couple see the “root system” of how they each created this kind of marriage. In addition, I helped them create quality time with each other in small ways that leads to bigger ways. Quality time is the fuel supply for connection. Without it, a distant couple will perish into “comfortable misery.” I start with having them spend “shoulder to shoulder” time together, like watching a show together or going for a walk on a regular basis. I then begin introducing “face to face” time by prescribing them my version of “date night” which puts other date nights to shame, by the way.  (More on this later…).  I also add in other things that fit the couple’s interests, etc.

As they slowly became more connected, they each found it rewarding and wanted more of it. After more quality time is baked into their relationship, I help them with building more emotional intimacy and increasing their comfort level with vulnerability. It’s a process, but it’s worth it. These couples can change, and I have witnessed it many times.

If anything in this blog resonates with you, please reach out through my website. Take a look at my online group couples coaching program—Relational Joy with Dr. Pam. Please stay tuned in to read my next blog on the “Pursuer/ Distancer” couple dynamic. To find out more about my approach to helping couples and my online group program, click here: https://www.relationaljoywithdrpamstaples.com/blog

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THE THREE TYPES OF DYSFUNCTIONAL COUPLES DYNAMICS

In my experience in working with couples for 38 years, I have observed three basic types of couple’s dynamics. They include 1) The Hot, Fighting Couple, 2) The Cool, Distant Couple and 3) The Pursuer/ Distancing Couple. I will describe each one and explain what can be done to help couples discontinue these patterns. This three part blog will start by describing the Fighting Couple.

THE FIGHTING COUPLE

It takes two to make a fighting couple. In this type of couple, each partner tends to be highly emotionally reactive to each other. They each can feel threatened and/or become triggered by the other easily and things between them can escalate quickly. In essence, neither one really wants or chooses to become a fighter. When any human being feels threatened, their survival mechanisms kick in to create basic automatic reactions of flight, fight or freeze. In a fighting couple, they each learned to react with a fight response. They probably learned to tolerate a high level of conflict and emotional intensity. There are two basic ways that people learn this way of coping in relationships.

First, I always ask my clients, “where did you learn to behave this way?” Often times, the answer is, “I watched my dad and mom fight like cats and dogs.” Role modeling is a very powerful way for a child to learn how to behave in relationships. With deep compassion, I say to these clients, “through no fault of your own, you breathed in this behavior like secondhand smoke.” And “You acquired this behavior, it’s not who you are meant to be, and you can stop it in its tracks starting today.” This is not an excuse, it’s an explanation. 

Another way a child can learn to become a fighter, is that they may have been “falsely empowered” by one or both parents. This means that they were allowed to do whatever they wanted and the parents failed to set limits on them. When these kids grow up, they feel entitled to do and say whatever they want without regard of its impact on others around them. They often engage in “unbridled self-expression” and lack empathy for others. It’s a setup for becoming a “fighter” in a close, intimate relationship. This is a pattern that looks more like a “character problem’ to others.  However, it is also a learned behavior, and it can be stopped in its tracks too.

What can be done to help fighting couples? The first order of business is to get them stabilized by reducing the frequency of their conflict. I teach them a “dead stop time out” skill. They agree on a code word and when one of them utters the code word, they agree to stop all contact and go their separate ways for 20-30 minutes. They then do check ins with each other over texting to negotiate when they are ready to be relational with each other. For some couples, they may need a full 24 hours of time out to get there.

My next intervention is to teach them the “Whoosh” skill. This is when they begin to identify what their partner does to trigger them without blame. I teach them to manage their automatic, emotionally immature reaction of fight and escalation. They learn how to find their “wise adult” self who can be more relational with their partner. They badly need to learn the skills to emotionally regulate themselves and “co-regulate” each other. If both partners do their part in managing themselves, their fighting pattern can dissipate rather quickly.

There are many other things I do to help fighting couples to return to their natural state of being relational. It’s a very complex pattern and there are many variations on this theme. Stay tuned for my next blog on the Cool Distancing Couple. You can find out more about me and how I work with couples on my website: https://relationaljoywithdrpamstaples.com 

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WHAT IS RELATIONAL JOY?

Relational Joy is the namesake of my new couples group coaching program and website.  I define Relational Joy as a state of “co-harmony” between two partners that is fairly consistent across time. Co-harmony is when each partner is relationally mindful of the other and each sees the relationship as its own entity that requires daily nurturing. Relational Joy is a combination of love, generosity, and cherishing.  When partners are being their “best relational selves,” they can achieve a state of Relational Joy. This is what most couples are seeking and have a deep desire to achieve in their relationships.

Recently, I developed a group couples coaching program, Relational Joy With Dr. Pam, to help couples discover and achieve a state of co-harmony.  This program is a new delivery system to help couples get what they want in a small group setting. It is a ten-week group program with six couples in each group. Each session is two hours long. There are three pillars of my program that are designed to help couples achieve Relational Joy.

The first pillar is acquisition of new relational skills. I have developed a library of skills called “The Relational Joy Tool Kit” to which each member of the group will have lifetime access.  Most people are not taught the skills necessary to create co-harmony, deep connection and emotional intimacy. This tool kit is full of small, medium, and large tools that work in concert with each other. There is a new skill introduced to the group each week of the program. I then help each of you figure out how to apply that skill to your relationship.

The second pillar of Relational Joy is the power of the group.  Most couples, when they need help, find a couple’s therapist and do private couples therapy.  Very few options exist for couples to work on their relationship in a small, intimate group setting, like mine. The “power of the group” manifests in two basic ways.  One is in witnessing another couple’s struggles and how they find their way to higher relational ground. Each couple will take a turn on the “hot seat” where they get coaching from me while the other five couples observe. There can be a lot to learn as you observe them do their work.

The other “superpower” of the group is to receive feedback from me and the other five couples.  After the “hot seat” couple is done, the group members give the couple affirming and truthful feedback.  I make sure that the group is an emotionally safe space for everyone which allows for deep connections to develop between the six couples. I was fortunate to get extensive training in group therapy in my doctoral program and have led many groups across my career. I love the power of the group and the impact it can have on its members!

The third pillar to Relational Joy is the care and oversight I bring to each person in the group.  I am constantly keeping tabs on helping you, individually and as a couple, meet your goals and helping you achieve a state of co-harmony.  I will be giving you instruction, guidance, and caring feedback about how your “non-relational” behaviors can transform to relational behavior with your partner.  I will gently and truthfully hold each of you accountable for your part in creating the changes you are seeking.

As mentioned previously, this group coaching program for couples is a unique and powerful way to transform your relationship.  This program is for couples of all ages and stages of life and with an array of relationship issues.  With my leadership, training, and 38 years of clinical experience, I promise you that you will get significant results by the end of this ten week program.

Relational Joy is being offered in September 2022 and again in mid-January, 2023. Each group cohort will be limited to six couples.  There will be openings for up to three cohorts.  Every couple who submits an application and signs up will receive a Welcome Kit and have a two hour intake with me before beginning the group portion of the program. If couples want a “side bar” session with me during the ten weeks, they will receive a discount on my private couples coaching fee.

I invite you and your partner to start your journey with me in achieving Relational Joy. If you cannot join me, tell a friend, family member or someone else you know who could benefit from a unique program like this.  Learn more about Relational Joy with Dr. Pam at my website: https://RelationalJoywithDrPamStaples.com.  I hope to hear from you!!  Thank you for taking the time to read this.  I hope you will continue to tune into my upcoming series of blogs.

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WHAT IS RELATIONAL LIFE THERAPY And why is it so effective?

What is Relational Life Therapy? Relational Life Therapy, aka RLT, is a therapeutic model for helping couples create long-lasting, healthy changes in their relationships. It was developed by a brilliant marriage and family therapist from Boston, Terry Real. Over the years, Terry has created the perfect recipe with theoretical ingredients from family systems, psychology, child development, and gender. These all began to coalesce in his first bestselling book (1997) on male depression called I Don’t Want to Talk About It.  He was the first therapist to truly grasp the psychological costs on being raised as a male in American culture. This was followed by his second book (2002), How to Get Through to You, which addressed the female/couple side of the equation.    In 2007, he “married” the foundations of these two books when he wrote The New Rules of Marriage, a bestselling book on teaching couples the skills to have a more relational, cherishing relationship. He began training therapists across the country in this couple’s model almost 20 years ago. He has about 200 certified therapists who follow and implement his model with couples (see his therapist map on his website www.terryreal.com).   Relational Life Therapy is a radical approach to couples’ therapy. It definitely is not traditional “talk therapy” where couples spend an hour a week rehashing the events of the last week or recycling their last fight.   How RLT Differs from Other Couples Therapy Models First, most therapists who work with couples are taught to be ”neutral” in their stance with each partner in the couple. In RLT, therapists “take sides,” meaning that they provide truthful and caring feedback to the partner with the most “non-relational” behaviors. Often times, both partners exhibit “non-relational” behavior, so the therapist will often start with the partner with the most offensive types of behavior. After that partner “wakes up” to their part in the couples’ dance, the therapist will then turn to the other partner for changing. In my work with couples, I tell them, “I take turns taking sides.” I also call the work I do with each partner “leaning on” them. I ask, “is it okay with you if I ‘lean on you’ right now?” Because this work is truthful and respectful at a foundational level, the answer is often “yes.”   If you would like to read the rest of this article please visit my blog at; ww.relationaljoywithdrpamstaples.com/blog

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Relationship Coaching vs. Couples Therapy.

Couples who are seeking to improve or transform their relationship often use a “hit or miss” or “trial and error” approach to finding the best professional to help them with their goals. I have been in the field for 38 years and I have seen my share of couples who have been through two to five rounds of couples therapy achieving very few, if any, results. 

As I mentioned in a previous blog, How to Find the Right Couples Counselor, only one in ten therapists are truly qualified to provide quality marriage / couples counseling. For those many consumers who do not know this important fact, they have a 90 percent chance of choosing an unqualified couples’ counselor.  I always feel sad when a couple who comes to see me has put so much effort into working on their marriage with such little result.  I often tell them that they probably were caught in what I call the “talk therapy cycle.”  This is when a couple meets with an unqualified “couples’ therapist” who helps them rehash what happened in the last week or recycles their last fight.  These therapists are often described as “really nice” and “likable” by my clients.  However, they are really just a “one trick pony” meaning that they only rely on being empathic, nurturing and neutral.  As sweet as it is to be on the receiving end of this type of interpersonal energy, it is insufficient to create change and achieve results, which is what I do for my clients.

This is exactly why I am a strong proponent of helping consumers seeking marriage therapy or couples counseling to find the right helping professional. There are many very good, qualified relationship therapists from which to choose who have dedicated themselves to getting trained and certified in a certain model of couples therapy.  To mention a few, they include EFT by Susan Johnson, PACT by Stan Tatkin, John Gottman’s research based approach, and my favorite, Relational Life Therapy (RLT) developed by Terry Real. When you are looking for relationship counseling, do a search for people in these different therapy realms. And, don’t be shy to ask about their credentials, years of experience, and qualifications to help you with what you need. It is unethical for a therapist to misrepresent themselves as being more than what they really are.

I would like to introduce you to another aspect to finding the best fit in a relationship therapist.  As the mental health world has become more and more regulated by licensing boards and heavily influenced by insurance companies, many very good and seasoned therapists are retiring their licenses to become “coaches.”  I happen to be one of these professionals.  I went into the helping profession in 1982 as a psychologist to help people change and heal.  Over the course of being licensed for 30 years, I was being identified as a “healthcare provider” by the licensing board and was expected to apply the “medical model” of diagnosing clients through the insurance companies.

I retired my psychology license in 2018 to dedicate my practice to “coaching” and in particular, to “relationship coaching.”  By then, I had been certified as a Master Relational Life Therapist in Terry Real’s RLT model for over ten years.  I love serving my clients without being shackled to the not so benevolent influences of licensing boards and insurance companies. It allows me to practice naturally with the highest of ethics and a deep level of competence.  So, when you are seeking help with your relationship, I would encourage you to look into the relationship coaching world, but with a couple of caveats.  First, look for the “coach” who has an advanced degree—at the master’s and/or doctoral level.  In addition, look for someone who is certified in a particular brand of couple’s therapy. You should avoid those who have hung out their “coach” shingle without putting in the time or effort to advance their education or develop a competency in helping couples. Please know that the majority of these “coaches” will not serve you well.

I have included a description below that compares and contrasts the differences between relationship coaching and couple’s therapy.  I believe that knowing about this relationship coaching world will give you even more options as you seek the help you need and want for improving and/or transforming your relationship.

THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN COACHING AND THERAPY

I hope you have found this article helpful.  Stay tuned for my next blog which will describe how Relational Life Therapy (RLT) is radically different from other forms of therapy, including other brands of couple’s therapy. If you are interested in knowing more about my approach to helping couples and the services I offer, please check out my website; https://RelationalJoywithDrPamStaples.com.

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HOW TO FIND THE RIGHT COUPLES COUNSELOR

Where to start?

Many couples are searching for ways to improve and/or transform their relationships. They often want more closeness and connection than what they saw in their parents’ marriages. However, they lack the skill set or knowledge base to create what they are yearning for. So, couples find themselves seeking the right professional to help them achieve their relational goals.

What do couples need to know about this professional “marketplace?”  First, they should know that only one in ten therapists are qualified to help couples  according to the Zur Institute. Yet, many therapists will say they do couples counseling without having the specialized training to do so.

What to look for?

About 20 years ago, some brilliant, seasoned therapists began teaching other therapists like me how to be effective in helping couples change and get what they want from their relationships. Some of these “master therapists” include John Gottman, Stan Tatkin, Ellyn Bader, Sue Johnson, and Terry Real. They each developed rigorous, intensive certification programs that took about two years to complete. For example, I began my Master Certified Relational Life Therapy program in 2007 with Terry Real from Boston of RLT fame. This training changed my competency level in working with couples so significantly and I became so much more effective in helping them achieve the results they wanted.

Best Tips:

When it comes to finding the right fit for a relationship therapist, it’s always best to get a word-of-mouth referral from someone you know. However, this is not always possible. The following are tips for finding the right fit with a couple’s therapist:

It is recommended that you narrow your search to three marriage or couples’ therapists and that you ask for an initial brief phone chat with each. I recommend that both partners do this together or individually. The time investment is worth it—believe me.

The first question to ask is if they have specialized training in couples therapy and with whom did they do their training?

If they do, investigate that particular brand of couples therapy and see if it seems like a good fit for your relationship goals.

In addition, choosing an experienced therapist over a ‘rookie” will likely serve you best. A therapist is considered “seasoned” after working in for 10-12 years after they are licensed in their respective field. Beware of the therapist who does not list the year of completion of their advanced degree (masters or doctorate) or the year they became fully licensed on their website. It’s unethical not to disclose these facts to consumers.

When you chat with them, notice how you feel and if you like them or not, etc.  Ask lots of questions about their qualifications, experience, areas of specialty in working with couples. You can collect a lot of information in a brief phone call and determine if it will be a poor fit or a great one.

Gather information on availability, scheduling, fees, location, and all of the practical things you need to know in order to proceed.

If you follow these tips, you should be on your way to finding a best fit for your couples counseling professional. Stay tuned for my next blog post about the differences between relationship counseling and relationship coaching. You can find me at www.RelationalJoywithDrPamStaples.com. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog!