Just me talking about the things im scared to think about .
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A daydream
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23.
Fuck it. time to just get real with myself. Holi. (The girl from one, my first true love. we got back together. After me and Em broke up. and we had a 2 year relationship. 2 years, its been that long. And guess what happened. Yea, exactly the same thing. History repeats itself. youre always fucking telling yourself that. now look me. 23 heartbroken. again. But this time its different. I feel so fucking numb to my core. What does it even mean to love someone? you know they say you hurt the ones you love. Maybe that true. But yo if it is im fucking sick and tired of it, and even more im fuckin sick and tired of bein sick and tired. Im always looking for someone, some reason to blame on why I Fucking suck. One week into my breakup. we still talk but like whats the fucking point? I still feel self pity. Im jealous. Granted I had a date myself and I actually did enjoy it. This woman was the likes of something ive never seen. Ive known her for about 4 years now, longer than my last 2 relationships combined. Ive always been attracted to her, but always felt she was waaaaayyyy out of my league. Shes beautiful, shes a talented tattoo artist. And what am I? a fuckin wanna be. She did say yes and she does seem like she might have a slight interest in me. So why do I give a fuck if my Ex is going around fucking people to get over me? Granted idk if she is, but why does it bother me? Maybe I have the feels maybe im just a sad ass nigga. My Father dumped me. all my girlfriends dumped me. Even the army knows im not good enough. WHy would this woman think different? why am i persuing her? Am I just scared of being alone? is why im so comfortable staying with a woman who cheats on me? physically or emotionally? Why did I stay? where the fuck is my self respect? It must of been the sex. And you know what yea, thats a shitty reason to stay in a relationship and try and make it work. I just wanted sex. Just busting my nut because I could. One of the rare time id ever get compliments was on my style of how i performed in bed. And i play a lot of video games. Where is my work ethic? instead of bending over backwards trying to make someone else happy how come I wasnt putting myself first. No shit im depressed everyone is depressed. And to be honest. Thats one of the main things that attracts me to Ash. She is happy, Genuinely happy I can Tell by how she carries herself. This is the first time i can remember I genuinely remember sharing a coffee with a girl and actually be blown away by who they were as a person. Her eyes, te windows to her soul, told me so much about who she was. She has green eyes. I dont know if she has perfect teeth. But it radiated. I was struck. Idk why I asked her out, I dont know why she said yes. But im ffucking glad she did. That one date not only told me alot about her but alot about myself. I never should of gotten back together with my Ex. I was seeking comfort, I wanted some one to fucking baby me, Because IM A FUCKING BITCH. Am I worthy of Dating Ashley, a woman with so much wisdom and drive. No, I cant match that. I talk so much shit. but where is the fucking effort. You piece of shit. get real. Wanting a girlfriend only because you thinks shes pretty and can help you bust a nut. WHAT THE FUCK. You know better than that. Maybe if actually put the fucking time into yourself you would know that. Ive never this way about a girl tho. She isnt just someone i want to be. She is the person ive always wanted to be.
LIFE FUCKING SUCKS, GET THE FUCK OVER IT! STOP BEING A BITCH
If you want it then why are you not going after it? figure youre shit the fuck out! im fucking tired of babying myself, always looking for the easy way out. YOU WANT TO GIVE SO FUCKING BAD GO JUMP OFF A PARKING GARAGE YOU PUSSY. I need to take accountability for myself. What are my goals? What am I doing to achieve them? Am i really a sucker for love or just a lustful fool. If im afraid of being alone. Then I should embrace and become okay with it. Everyone will leave. Everyone is going to die. So I need to come to peace with myself. if not im on the sure fire path to destruction, a well deserved one. No more patting yourself on the back, Put a god damn battery in your back soldier and carry YOURSELF through this war. This crisis, this great depression, this war waged on ones self. The spiritual war. Im standing in my own way. Everyone wants to carry me, but I can walk on my own 2 feet. I can be strong.And if I ever want to be in a relationship with this girl. this is what NEEDS to happen. No body wants to date a pussy ass pick me ass bitch. I make fun of these people because deep down I know im just like them. But it doesnt hve to be that way. I can blame my heart breaks. I ca blame being molested as child, I could blame the racism, I can complain all I want about how I got the short end of the stick. But no one fucking cares. My past is my past, so why dwell on it when I have my entire future ahead of me. My hatred brings me shame. Im ashamed of myself. But if I dont decide to put the work in, and keep putting the work in. Nothing in life is the same. Ill die in my moms basement of ill die on the streets. Just find out who you are. AND BE THAT FUCKING MAN!
Be that Space Cowboy.
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22.
Relax. Stay calm. Stay kind. It’s not that serious kid. You’re doing fine, stay focused. I love you.
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21.
So I mean all good stories have to come to an end huh? Sucker for Love I was, looking back on it. Gave this girl my all. And she leaves me when I needed her the most. Left me twisting in the wind. Lost. A lost boy I am in your universe. But it’s easy to get lost because in your universe I’m small. I’m insignificant. Atleast you made it seem that way. Just know you were my entire world and I was entirely yours. I hope your happy. Shit I know things got tough but I held you down. Now you’re getting fucked and sucking dick for money. How could you let yourself stoop so low? You had so much potential, now you’re nothing but hollow bones shambling through life. I hope you sleep well at night , whatever bed it is that you are sleeping in. You’re not my girl no more. And I’m happy to say that. I let you take advantage of me for the longest time. It’s nice to see I came out on top and didn’t let my demons get the best of me. I hope your happy Emily, I hope you ruined this shit for a reason. I HOPE YOURE HAPPY CUNT.
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“Don’t love deeply, till you make sure that the other part loves you with the same depth, because the depth of your love today, is the depth of your wound tomorrow.”
—
Nizar Qabbani
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if you’re ever scared you’re not a good person, remember that bad people don’t care about being better
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20
Medusa developed a way to protect herself from men. And men killed her for it, it, they are the heroes because heroes.... the heroes write the history books.
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19
Here I am starting from the beginning again from the start. But I know that I can do whatever I want. Its just knowing what I want and taking it. I’ve been lied to my whole life, everything from Santa Klaus, the Easter bunny to 9/11 , MK Ultra, the black panthers, The war on drugs. I was told money cant buy happiness. Thats because its priceless, and near impossible to have it forever. So why not just make the best of what you've got. Like really fucking try your hardest, and itll be enough. I promise you me. We’ve got this. And stop buying so much fucking coke .
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18
Self Discipline is key. I am the master of my own universe
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16
Now im just focused on on myself and doing better for me. And no is gonna stop me from living the way I wanna live. So Fuck em all, I dont need them.
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15
Who knew. here I am 20 years young soon to be 21. My own little shitty apartment on the shady part of town. things arent so bad anymore. Got my lady by my side and shes all I could of ever asked for. now e share this place, soon dogmeat will be moving back in. thisll be the closest thing Ill have to a family of my own in this life. And thats okay with me. Got a job as a bartender, and go figure im pretty fuckin good at it. Its nice not being on the streets, its nice to have wifi and be able to just ramble to nothingness but god dammit i earned this. i earned my right to be comfy. Cold hard nights were payment enough. Im just focused on me. Dont give a fuck about the moves all these loser niggas makin now. They all wish to slander my name. I feel they are not worthy of thought. But im gonna do it. Im gonna do it man. Im gonna change. Im gonna be healthy, Im gonna start going yoga every day. pushups, suats, sit ups, pull ups. Im gonna quit smoking. Im going to be the best version of myself that i can be.
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14
Money in my pocket for once it feels nice to add to it everyday.
Maybe life will get better the longer I stick it out, Happiness is worth it.
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