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queer is a slur, grow up

‘Queer’ was reclaimed as an umbrella term for people identifying as not-heterosexual and/or not-cisgender in the early 1980s, but being queer is more than just being non-straight/non-cis; it’s a political and ideological statement, a label asserting an identity distinct from gay and/or traditional gender identities.People identifying as queer are typically not cis gays or cis lesbians, but bi, pan, ace, trans, nonbinary, intersex, etc.: we’re the silent/ced letters. We’re the marginalised majority within the LGBTQIA+ community, and‘queer’ is our rallying cry.

And that’s equally pissing off and terrifying terfs and cis LGs.

There’s absolutely no historical or sociolinguistic reason why ‘queer’ should be a worse slur than ‘gay.’ Remember how we had all those campaigns to make people stop using ‘gay’ as a synonym for ‘bad’?

Yet nobody is suggesting we should abolish ‘gay’ as a label. We accept that even though ‘gay’ sometimes is and historically frequently was used in a derogatory manner, mlm individuals have the right to use that word. We have ad campaigns, twitter hashtags, and viral Facebook posts defending ‘gay’ as an identity label and asking people to stop using it as a slur.

Whereas ‘queer’ is treated exactly opposite: a small but vocal group of people within feminist and LGBTQIA+ circles insists that it’s a slur and demands that others to stop using it as a personal, self-chosen identity label.

Why?

Because “queer is a slur” was invented by terfs specifically to exclude trans, nonbinary, and intersex people from feminist and non-heterosexual discourse, and was subsequently adopted by cis gays and cis lesbians to exclude bi/pan and ace people.

It’s classic divide-and-conquer tactics: when our umbrella term is redefined as a slur and we’re harassed into silence for using it, we no longer have a word for what we are allowing us to organise for social/political/economic support; we are denied the opportunity to influence or shape the spaces we inhabit; we can’t challenge existing community power structures; we’re erased from our own history.

I’m not kidding. Cis LGs have literally taken historical evidence of queer people’s involvement in the LGBT rights struggle and photoshopped it to erase us:

Pro tip: when you alter historical evidence to deny a marginalised group empowerment, you’re one of the bad guys.

“Queer is a slur” is used by terfs and cis gays/lesbians to silence the voices of trans/nonbinary/intersex/bi/pan/ace people in society and even within our own communities, to isolate us and shame us for existing.

“Queer is a slur” is saying “I am offended by people who do not conform to traditional gender or sexual identities because they are not sexually available to me or validate my personal identity.”

“Queer is a slur” is defending heteronormativity.

“Queer is a slur” is frankly embarrassing. It’s an admission of ignorance and prejudice. It’s an insidious discriminatory discourse parroted uncritically in support of a divisive us-vs-them mentality targeting the most vulnerable members of the LGBTQIA+ community for lack of courage to confront the white cis straight men who pose an actual danger to us as individuals and as a community.

Tl;dr:

I’m here, I’m queer, and I’m too old for this shit.

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Thanks for all the support.

Cr: @wolfieoffline

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For height dysphoric anon <3 i plan on getting some of these some day

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Happy Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week, here’s a redesign of the Aroflux flag! I wanted to keep the meanings of the original flag but fix up the colours so the flag isn’t as eyestrainy as it currently is. Feel free to use, no credit is required! Please share this around, even if you aren’t Aroflux so more people can see it!

Don’t interact with this post if you’re an aspec exclusionist please and thank you

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I made a gender dictionary! It doesn't include MOGAI (I may make a separate dictionary for that), but it does have literally every single other gender label I've been able to find. Go check it out!

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I made an orientation dictionary!

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My right to exist is not a fucking debate

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I’m bisexual and I’m feeling solidarity in this Chili’s tonight

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Happy Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week, here’s a redesign of the Aroflux flag! I wanted to keep the meanings of the original flag but fix up the colours so the flag isn’t as eyestrainy as it currently is. Feel free to use, no credit is required! Please share this around, even if you aren’t Aroflux so more people can see it!

Don’t interact with this post if you’re an aspec exclusionist please and thank you

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This is such an important article to read I can’t even begin to express it. 

Lesbian communities need to start thinking about how intersex lesbians fit into everything. Lesbian communities need to start thinking and being inclusive of intersex experiences with gender - let alone nonbinary and genderqueer experiences that tie into lesbianism. You are encouraged to share this. 

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The QPR/Soft Romo Guide for Defining the Relationship

mod fitz here.  I have noticed that we have been getting a lot of asks that basically all go “I am (or my [potential] partner is) greyro, and I am maybe interested in being in a relationship, but how would that even work?”  So I decided I would create a masterpost on defining the relationship in non-amatonormative relationships.  

So let’s start with types of relationships.  A typical romantic relationship is just that–a typical romantic relationship.  It is what you see in the movies, what society pushes in your face constantly as something you need to have to be “complete.”  The most common type of non-romantic significant relationship is a QPR, or queerplatonic relationship (quasiplatonic for those who do not wish to use the word queer). 

The basic idea of a QPR is that it is something that goes beyond what you consider normal friendship, but it is not romantic in nature.  What exactly a QPR is can be tricky at first, especially if you don’t have any real examples to base your understanding on (thank you amatonormativity).  Really the idea behind QPRs is that they deviate from typical narratives of both friendship and romance, or in other words, they are “queering” what we think a significant relationship entails.

Another type of relationship is a soft-romo relationship, which is somewhere in-between a QPR and a romantic relationship.  These often occur when one partner is romantically attracted to the other and the other is not, or when one or both partners have fluctuating levels of attraction or tolerance for romantic activities, or boundaries that make a typical romantic relationship not realistic. 

While communication is important in any relationship, amatonormative relationships have a script to follow, which helps greatly.  (A DTR talk may be as simple as, “so are we doing this?” or “would it be okay if I called you my boyfriend?”) Those who desire QPRs or soft-romo relationships do not have this tool, and often at least one of the people involved do not have the language to even begin defining what it is their relationship is, which can make defining the relationship a daunting task.

So here I am to give you some tools to use to help you define the relationship you want or the relationship you are currently in!

One of the simplest is a Want Will Won’t list (adapted from this video from sexplanations on Youtube).  Basically what you do is create three columns on a piece of paper.  One column is “Want,” or what you want from the relationship (ex: I want cuddling, hand holding, kissing (not mouth-to-mouth), commitment, emotional intimacy, understanding and patience with my mental illness).  The next column is “Will,” or what you would be willing to do if your partner wanted, but aren’t necessarily driven to it yourself, or it isn’t important to you (ex: I would go on dates, closed-mouth kiss on the mouth [maybe some tongue, ask first], call you my boyfriend/girlfriend/datemate, sex [maybe, definitely ask first]).  The last column is “Won’t” or what you do not want from the relationship (ex: no tongue kissing, daily texts, sleeping together, nudity).  As you can see from my responses, the Want and Won’t parts are relatively cut and dry, but some items in the Will column may need some explanation.  Once you make your list, compare it with your partner’s.  You can make this in post-it notes if you think your feelings may change over time (which may be especially helpful for aroflux people).

Another post that may be helpful is this post which lists many activities a significant relationship may entail, which may be helpful if you are having trouble thinking about what you can put on your Want Will Won’t list, or you can just use the post by itself.

Another option, especially if when I described QPRs and soft-romo relationships your reaction was, “What?!” is queenieofaces​‘s Five Factor model of relationships

The Five Factor Model relies on five factors (thus the name) to categorize relationships: commitment, intimacy, time, exclusivity, and priority. 

Go check out Queenie’s original post if it looks like this may be the model for you.  Queenie linked to a few more similar models, and I am going to link them below with the different factors they explain:

The Anatomy of Relationships: Sexuality, Touch, Limerance, Emotional vulnerability, Thought-sharing, Resource sharing, Commitment, Prioritization, Time, Common interests, Group membership, Exclusivity, Negotiation.

David Jay (part 1, part 2): Time, Feelings, and Promises [this one is really simple and quick and geared towards how to make the relationship progress, especially in part 2]

Minerva: Love, Intimacy, and Commitment

Minerva’s post is very similar to Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love which has the factors intimacy, passion, and commitment, and can be explained well through this diagram [x]:

EDIT: I just found this post which discusses the Sternberg theory in relation to aromanticism. Check it out!

I hope one of the resources provided on this post helps you figure out your current relationship or what you desire from a future relationship.

Full disclaimer:  I do not have any personal experience with actually defining the relationship with another person (hence why I am only quoting others), these are simply tools I wish I had in the past and tools I currently use to help think about what types of relationships I may potentially want to be in.

-mod fitz

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First Virtual Bi Pride Shows Community Accessibility Has Been Possible

First Virtual Bi Pride Shows Community Accessibility Has Been Possible

With (almost) everyone nationwide participating in quarantine, many Americans are missing the events that normally would bring them closer to the various communities and niches they are apart of. This is especially true for the LGBTQ+ community who largely relies on community-specific events to feel at home, accepted, and comfortable expressing themselves.

As a way to remedy this, many LGBTQ+…

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love and support everyone around you.

click on for better quality!

[ Do Not Repost. ]

reblogs > likes

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6 Feet of SpACE: An AroAce COVID-19 Relief Fundraiser

Presented by: Sounds Fake But Okay

Join us for this livestream event to raise money for the WHO/United Nations COVID-19 Solidarity Response Fund

Saturday, May 2nd @ 11am PDT/ 2pm EDT/ 7pm BST 

Donating: tinyurl.com/DONATE6feet 

Watch:  tinyurl.com/WATCH6feet

Featuring

A OK’s Courtney Lang

Alex & Kieran from AUREA

Daniel Walker (Slice of Ace)

Eliott Simpson

Emi Salida (Embly)

Fuck Yeah Asexual’s Rose Sinclair

Yasmin Benoit

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Webcomics w/ Black Leads

I was wondering how many webcomics there were out there with black protagonists (for my own reference). Then I figured plenty of other folks would love to see a list. So heeeeere we go! (Please reblog and add more!) 

AGENTS OF THE REALM by Mildred Louis

NIBI by Gyimah Gariba

DEMON STREET by Aliza Layne

VIBE by Dan Ciurczak

BALDERDASH by Victoria Goog

STAR TRIP by Gisele Jobateh

SCHOOL SPIRIT (FRESH ROMANCE) by Kate Leth & Arielle Jovellanos

ALL OUR CUTS AND BRUISES by My Sjögren Blücher

STEVE’S STORY (KHAOS KOMICS) by Tab Kimpton

DEMON HUNTER KAIN by Burrell Gill Jr.

SAFE HAVENS by Bill Holbrook

THE SUBSTITUTES by Myisha Haynes

VALOROUS TALES by Dashawn Mahone

M.F.K. by Nilah Magruder

THE IMMORTAL NADIA GREENE by Jamal Campbell

PRINCESS LOVE PON by Shauna J. Grant

AS THE CROW FLIES by Melanie Gillman

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Dating Poly

This is a different post than what I usually make, but I had some things I wanted to say and thoughts I felt worth sharing so bear with me if you would. One things that is important for me to say at the beginning is that I am monogamous, always have been and always will be. But the last 2 of my relationships have involved dating someone who is poly. And I think it’s time to address some thoughts and feelings and observations I have with that. 

1. If you are poly, be clear and honest about that in the very beginning of the relationship. The first poly person I dated didn’t bother to mention that fact to me until about 3 months in when all of a sudden they wanted to date another person. They assumed that just because I grew up in a poly family that I was just “going to be okay with it” without even talking to me. That hurts a person, especially if they are monogamous, to have something sprung up on that after committing to a relationship for a while. Just be clear about your intentions before you start or shortly after, even if you dont have your eyes on someone else at the time

2. If you are in a poly relationship make a set of “rules” or “guidelines” that everyone is comfortable with. This applies to poly-poly relationships as well as poly-mono ones. When you are dating someone you need to take their feelings and thoughts into account. Make guidelines to follow and stick to them. For example, one of mine was “I want to meet and have a chance to talk to anyone you consider dating” and “We have a routine established, I would appreciate sticking to this routine as often as we can (eg. skype on mondays, calls on the way home from work)” When someone else enters the relationship, the rules may have to be altered to fit, but discuss with your partner what ones CAN be altered, and which ones are a deal breaker to be altered.

3. If youre dating someone who is monogamous, don’t try to force them to be poly. If youre dating someone who is poly, don’t try and force them to be monogamous. People are who they are. If you can’t be okay with your partner’s way of loving, then they aren’t the one for you. You have to be willing to make things work and forcing someone to supress something like that will definitely cause issues later on down the road. Thats not saying a poly person can’t be in a healthy monogamous relationship IF THEY CHOOSE. But if you decide monogamy isnt for you, and the other person isn’t okay with that, it might be time to consider a different partner. Be open, honest, and have lots of conversations, but let people be who they are. 

I may decide to add on more here later, but as it is it’s already a long post so I’ll leave it here for now. Feel free to add on, or message me to talk more about it. Also, keep in mind that i’m far from an expert, and these are just my observations through a few relationships. 

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Hey, uh, can we just absolutely fucking annihilate the idea that love is anywhere close to the same thing as romantic attraction? Because the two are not synonymous. Seriously, just because you can lack romantic attraction does not mean you lack love.