drxnkencalories

[drxnkencalories]

Some thinspo x

[drxnkencalories]

[drxnkencalories]

I was actually kind of feeling my look today

[drxnkencalories]

my inspo

[photos not mine, ask to remove]

[drxnkencalories]

really done with the whole aesthetic of ed tumblr being all “dainty and light and take up so little space and be angelic and lovely”

no bitch i’ve been depressed and suffering about the state of the world for nine months, i’m gonna starve myself so loudly and destroy myself because the world is falling apart and i might as well make this fucking interesting for myself

[drxnkencalories]

i had a dream that i was 100 pounds and now i feel disgusting again

[drxnkencalories]

if you asked me what my eating disorder is about i might say ‘food’ labeling some good, some bad as i assign moral value to this grain of rice i might say ‘numbers’ counting, measuring, tracking calories, sizes, BMIs allthetimecalculating everysinglething if you asked me what my eating disorder is about i might say ‘beauty’ complete devotion, idolization of the western standard begging for others’ envy i might say ‘attention’ desperately needing someone anyone, to notice me at all to see that i am unwell, to care if you asked me what my eating disorder is about i might say ‘control’ the sick, sick result of discipline gone sour a curdling obsession i might say ‘guilt’ over being too big too plain too comfortable too needy too me if you asked me what my eating disorder is about i might say ‘anger’ hating the injustice of living hating everything, everyone including myself i might say ‘pain’ a way to transpose the scars of my soul onto the body aching for congruence if you asked me what my eating disorder is about i might say ‘minimalism’ my mind whirls like a run-on sentence and i can’t stand being wasteful so no thank you i don’t need anything at all really i might say ‘self-righteousness’ i’m parading the streets, declaring my holier-than-thouness because hey look! i’m better at dying than you if you asked me what my eating disorder is about i might say ‘expectations’ i’ve been naturally small my entire life and now, but now i lose myself when i grow i might say ‘childhood’ reverting to my prepubescent body no breasts and when sex was just a word muddled with giggles if you asked me what my eating disorder is about i might say ‘addiction’ a habit that can’t be kicked craving the buzz, the high of manipulating my insides i might say ‘death’ i’m not that happy anyway so why not drive my body to the edge, tempting it to quit? if you asked me what my eating disorder is about i might say nothing because i do not know it’s not like it matters because you don’t ask because you don’t know either

—i don’t know, you don’t know, no one knows // 01.22.18

[drxnkencalories]

Shout-out to the Atypical

*if you don't regularly fast

*if you don't purge or use laxatives

*if you don't restrict to 500 calories or less

*if you don't weigh yourself multiple times a day

*if you're not 'thin'

*if no one notices your ED

*if food makes you feel guilty, both for eating it and/or for not

*if you feel like a scam

You're still suffering. You are not any less valid just because you don't look or act like other people. Your battles are still real, your pain is still real, you are not alone or unnoticed

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[drxnkencalories]

... uh oh

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i ate some ice cream tonight! it was really nice and i’m really proud of myself for it

[drxnkencalories]

tonight i’m going to try to eat something to challenge my disorder. my dad is making pasta for dinner and i’d like to allow myself some kind of desert or snack. i just want to try and slowly ease back into thinking for myself, instead of letting my disorder control me

[drxnkencalories]

sorry,,, rant time

y’all i wanna recover so bad :( every time i relapse i remember how awful the feeling is, how draining everything gets, how tired and unmotivated and sad i am :(((( my friend has tried to facetime me like every night for three days and every time i’ve made up some excuse for why i didn’t answer and i know it’s the eating disorder making me want to just curl up in bed and do nothing :((((( i miss enjoying nice comfort food and dancing in the kitchen at midnight while making a spontaneous meal. i don’t want to get even more sick before i recover because deep down i know my body is good and strong and fine :( but i’m so afraid of regretting it if i eat, the feeling of eating something and then having the ed shout at you for breaking your calorie limit is the worst feelin ever. why can’t i just enjoy a nice quesadilla or grilled cheese or rice or fruit bowl without needing it to “comply” with something? it’s so sad. i want to bake christmas cookies and make nice soups and shephards pie at the holidays and actually enjoy them! i want to genuinely appreciate the nice vegan food my grandma makes me when we visit for christmas! humans have the ability to enjoy the taste of food and derive pleasure from it, why do i feel the need to deny my body of that? i just want to be able to recover. and i’m so sad thinking that i might be like this forever.

[drxnkencalories]

y’all i might be an ed blog but if i see a shred of fatphobia on my dash that shit is getting reported so fast. not fucking cool bro

[drxnkencalories]

This is my favorite.

[drxnkencalories]

Reverse paleo diet: only eat things with 10+ ingredients cave men never tasted so you can truly appreciate how far society has come.

[drxnkencalories]