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writing actual love letters to a guy i havent seen in 2 years (and never dated beyond some inexplicable lifelong connection between our souls or whatever) and feeling like i will never be able to love anyone romantically the way i love him
#yes i was playing fleetwood mac while i wrote the letters#and before writing the letter. when i was reading a fic about two exes getting back together#i truly am a masochist#anyways#time to play mitski and smoke a cigarette in my balcony as i Reminisce
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rocking back and forth what if im schizophrenic i dont want to handle more shit than i already do
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my hallucinations are coming back in full swing. like way more often than last time
#im scared like what if im schizophrenic and the money stress triggered it#i cant do a mental illness like that i already have my sleep disorder
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ooooh okay im single because i have high standards and unrealistic expectations of what a relationship is like okay i got it
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wikihow how to deal with secretly resenting everyone in your family and being bitter about everything 24/7
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my top hobbies are shame and embarrassment but i also occasionally dabble in envy
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hey chat does feeling betrayed over something my mother has absolutely no control over make me a bad daughter?
#i know there are no ultimately guilty people in this situation#but she said she was going to pay for my license#then she said i would have to get a job to pay for it#then she told me to ask my grandfather for the money#and then she said i could get my license this month!!#but then i couldnt.#because she made the stupid mistake of letting her father put the car lease to his name#and then he DIED#and now were struggling with the finance office thing#and it makes me so mad because she can shell out 70 euros on a pair of boots#or 200 euros in my sisters riding class#but i cant get my license because 350 euros is too much#im sick of always being the one getting the short end of the stick in my family!!!#like i get to be my moms therapist and my sisters second mother at age NINE#and then at age sixteen i get a sleep disorder out of nowhere that doctors still cant treat or diagnose#and that made me get worse grades than expected in high school and drop out of college#and im the sibling with the least friends!! i dont even have a decent group of friends irl#and now this.#can i get A FUCKING BREAK PLEASE?#i bet that when my sister wants to get her license she wont have to wait months for it#oh and on top of that i finally decided what i want to study but now my father is telling me to look for other degrees#ive decided that i wont#go fuck yourself bitchass maybe your old boss wouldnt have moved you from your department#if you hadnt been such a loud incompetent fool running your mouth about how you were going to take his place
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My sh addiction has lasted longer than most of my friendships
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overstimulated as shit and my sister's shitass neurotic malinois won't stop barking . everything's Fine
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my top hobbies are shame and embarrassment but i also occasionally dabble in envy
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