dsrctbensjourneyblog

[dsrctbensjourneyblog]

Posting Issues

These posts get harder to do every single time ... I try keep them upbeat and light but there is nothing light about this and as the days go by they proving to be more and more difficult.

It completely breaks my heart to see Ben not being able to keep food down or the amount of pain he is in constantly. The lack of sleep is proving a problem ... u generally

[dsrctbensjourneyblog]

Suck it Doc!

He made it! Ben officially turned 36 yesterday! Doctors originally said that due to the cancer growth they doubt he would make it to his birthday ... well suck it Doc cause he did!! Officially 36 ... where has the time gone ... I met Ben when he was 19 years old and I was 16 ... it feels like yesterday ... it was a day to celebrate! And we did!

Then while laying in bed last night Ben looked at me and said I'm tired... I dont think I'll be making my next birthday... so in true Shanne fashion I looked at him and said if you dont I'll bring you back from the dead and beat you! All jokes aside it was a sobering moment the whole day was laced with apprehension as this is likely to be his last.

#heartbroken #36 #birthday #cakefordays

[dsrctbensjourneyblog]

Hair raising ....

Oh I forgot to mention ... Ben has a full head of hair ... :)

[dsrctbensjourneyblog]

Moments ...

On Sunday Ben was able to get his WP colors for fishing ... the club brought up the ceremony for Ben ... so he could experience it .. they have been incredible!

Everyday my soul breaks ... but Sunday was one of the hardest days watching Ben accepting this honor that he has worked so hard for so many years ... for what?! He cannot experiment the championships that is currently underway and while they were talking about it ... I saw Ben falter ... this has been the first time since he was diagnosed that I saw him actually feel like his life is being ripped apart. He is so happy for the team mates but ... his opportunity came and he cannot do anything about it! It broke my heart... his biggest dream came true ... but he never got to complete it. My heart and soul crushed for him ...

[dsrctbensjourneyblog]

Blurred days ...

Ben has started his oral chemotherapy the side affects are not as intense as we thought .. palliative care is easier than curative but it's still has its issues. But as the days blur into one and life moves on around us ... we continue to live in the cancer moment.

Ben metastatic lung cancer is at its final stages which means he breathes he is a little sore but the worst part of this is every time he coughs he coughs up blood ... and not that little drop kinda blood as in full on pure red liquid ...

The tumor in his stomach continues to grow daily ... and with this the pain increases... meds increasing I could become a pharmacy at this rate.

But we continue to take it day by day

[dsrctbensjourneyblog]

Time ...

So the definition of time is a universal thing... everyone always says dont take it for granted or dont waste time etc ... but we actually dont realise the impact time has. I will never look at time the same way ... this includes years, months, weeks, days, minutes and even seconds. A couple months ago when monday would roll around I'd be wishing Friday came as quickly as possible... now ... I dont wish anyday time end ...

Time comes in so many forms ... but we dont realise it we just carry on. But hearing you have limited time makes a impact... you try squeeze in everything that you can so you can say I LIVED.

Times reality check hits you smack bang in the face when you realise you dont have a lot of it. With everyday that passes the cancer spreads more and more causing more ailments more issues more pain.

I will never take time for granted again!

[dsrctbensjourneyblog]

Wildfire ...

And so the cancer spreads some more ... it is now morphed into skin cancer ... those little red dots seemed like nothing ... nope think again ...

[dsrctbensjourneyblog]

... And that's a wrap folks ...

Ben has officially completed his last day of radiation. Now he gets two weeks of semi normality ... well for this kind of situation.

Let's see what tomorrow brings

[dsrctbensjourneyblog]

Radioactivity The End ...

So Ben is in the final week of his radiation .. he was supposed to continue everyday until the end of the month however the pain control they thought he would achieve has been non existent so it comes to an end.

He then has two weeks of freedom... and then they start him on oral chemotherapy until 1. He decides no more meds or 2. Well we I wont go into details.

July 2019 up until today has been turbalent in and out if hospitals, treatments, scans, needles, pharmacies and the list can continue, 7 months of unexpectant things to come last year this time if you had told me this is what we would be doing I'd tell you .. you were mad ... but here we are!

One thing I've learnt is never think it wont happen to you... in a blink of an eye our lives changed ...

[dsrctbensjourneyblog]

Thoughts ...

You know those few seconds when you wake up and everything is okay there is no cancer no death your loved ones that have passed are still around ... and BAM it hits you! Cancer is very much around ... your loved ones are departed and your day needs to continue ...

Everyday I wake up and I have this for the first 5 seconds as my brain is trying to register and as the BAM hits I think today has got to be better than yesterday. The whole day is never bad but there are moments within the day that make that particular day less pleasant that it should be.

Ben has radiation every day ... he has 17 more days to go ... whomever said palliative radiation is not as intense as chemo etc must be mental as fuck! Watching it is soul destroying... the nausea is intense the pain has increased tenfold and what can I do about it ... fuck all! Then we have to deal with these random lumps popping up everywhere on Ben's body ... his body is tired he is tired but he still remains positive... me on the other hand am ready to crawl into a hole ... but I put on the brave face and smile.

What's to come we do not know... and honestly I dont think I want to know.

[dsrctbensjourneyblog]

Check ins from over the ocean... planning for Ben's Euro trip 2020! Holland we are coming for you!

[dsrctbensjourneyblog]

Radiofucktivity Day 3

RUN! .... and take cover!!

[dsrctbensjourneyblog]

Radioactivity day 2...

One word... FUCK!

And they say chemo is harsh. Radiation ain't for sissies! The nausea is intense and the slime lime green ... yup lime bloody well green. Only 23 more days of this ...

[dsrctbensjourneyblog]

Radioactivity... day 1

Ben had his first session of radiatio today ... only 5 weeks of everyday radiation ahead of us. He is sore, nauseous and grumpy as fuck! May need to invest in a tank to hide in.

The next 5 weeks are going to be interesting ...

[dsrctbensjourneyblog]

All you need is a dogs cuddle to ease a bad day.

[dsrctbensjourneyblog]

Mood rollercoaster ...

If you know me you will know that I do not bite my tongue if I have something to say be sure I will say it no matter how rude or abrupt it comes across .. this is me! So imagine me ... biting my tongue and not saying anything back... amazing right! I have learnt not to fret the small things and thankfully just in time! Ben has a roller coaster of moods daily from friendly and joking to full on raging bull... within a few seconds... the doctors have warned about mood swings but they did not send a warning label of how intense it can be. Some days are better and some days MJ and I just avoid Ben completely... its safer this way ... hahaha ... not sure how long I can bite my tongue. I get he is moody I would probably be to if I was in the pain he was in let alone the thoughts that go through his head. Just imagine yourself in this situation not knowing if this is the last time you will do something or not being able to plan what you want to do in the next 6 months cause you dont actually know 1. What physical state you will be in or 2. Be here at all. So yes I bite my tongue cause this is what I think about... this is what's going through his brain all the time. So as his mood changes with the wind I will continue to make him smile whenever I can ... for you see this is my person and whatever time I have left with him I will make it count.

[dsrctbensjourneyblog]

Radioactive...

Ben starts his palliative radiation on Wednesday... thankfully the side affects are not as harsh as chemotherapy however there are still affects. Honestly I do not know how Ben's body is going to take to this I am positive that the side affects will be minimal. Holding thumbs that the treatment breaks down some on the nodes and lumps so Ben can have some peace from the everlasting pain ...