dsrtrosearchived - Tumblr blog

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ELIZA  HAS  MOVED  to  @dsrtrose !

things  to  note:

i’m making this move for my own comfort - i’m going to refollow folks that i’d like to keep interacting with. i really want to treat this as a clean slate. i might take time refollowing some people, and if i don’t refollow you, please don’t take it personally - this is a move for my mental health + i’m keeping my capacity/outreach small. thank you 🤍

most drafts / a few asks are coming with me - i’m taking for granted that y’all will want to continue all established threads (it’s fine if not, too!). if you could just do me the favor of tagging my new blog in your replies/answered asks/etc, that would be lovely! thank you.

i’ve literally been on this blog for over a decade, so this is kinda emo. i’m not always the smartest, the brightest, or the wisest person around, but y’all chose to be here. thanks for being here for any of the ride, and i seriously love y’all so much. (love you, mean it.)

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okay,  going  dark  +  archiving  this  blog  -  def  don't  follow  the  new  one  (even  if  you  find  it)  unless  you  wanna  have  an  insufferable  dash  spam.  i'll  post  an  official  moving  notice  +  note  when  they're  all  ready  tomorrow  or  wednesday  🤍

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I SEE MY RDR / YEEHAW BABEYS RETURNING. i’m gonna try to get to more things here this week, but feel free to like this for plotting in the meantime. or just for me to send u my love. 🤍 🤠

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every  day,  i  am  haunted  knowing  that  we  don’t  have  every  single  fact  on  how  the  blackwater  massacre  actually  went  down.

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bulletb1te​ :  HOSEA.

     the  snow  that  covers  the  once  grassy  ground  is  thick,  blanketing  everything  around  it. every  living  thing  that  once  was,  is  now  covered  in  white. they  had  been,  well,  trapped  in  this  shit-storm  for  two  days  now,  with  no  sign  of  the  weather  letting  up. this  wasn’t  good  for  hosea’s  mental  state,  and  he  assumed  it  was  the  same  for  dutch. but  in  truth,  his  worry  laid  with  the  two  youngins  that  tagged  along  with  their  little  band  of  misfits. the  van  der  linde  gang,  which  wasn’t  so  much  a  gang  as  it  was  two  men  with  two  ratty  kids. even  then,  hosea  is  a  worrier  at  heart,  and  eliza’s  words  do  no  comfort.

@dsrtrose  said:  ❝  𝚝𝚑𝚎  𝚜𝚝𝚘𝚛𝚖  𝚒𝚜  𝚐𝚎𝚝𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐  𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚜𝚎. ❞

      the  cowboy  sighs,  blue  eyes  inspecting  each  inch  of  that  thick  sliver  of  snow  outside,  hands  shoved  deep  into  his  pockets  to  hide  the  trembling  from  the  cold. last  thing  anyone  needed  was  to  see  that  hosea,  the  brains  behind  the  brawn,  was  shivering  damn  near  to  the  bone. ❝  dammit,  i  can  barely  see  what  i’m  lookin’  at  out  here. you  may  be  right,  'liza… shit,  how  are  we  ever  gonna  get  to  the  city.. ❞  his  frustration  is  just  the  outward  tantrum  of  the  entire  group,  and  he  glances  towards  dutch  sitting  in  the  corner,  then  back  to  eliza. ❝  least  if  it  wasn’t  snowin’  so  hard,  you  and  arthur  could  go  out  there  and  make  your  little  sculptures  or  whatever  you  like  t'do. ❞

for  the  sake  of  everyone  involved,  eliza  does  her  best  to  stifle  her  own  suffering  (in  every  sense)  for  the  time  being  -  but  ...  she  can’t  lie,  it’s  really  fucking  cold.  her  teeth  are  chattering  as  hosea  speaks  up,  answering  her  unhelpful  anecdote  with  a  similar  level  of  enthusiasm.

“t’be  fair,  i  don’t  think  there’d  be  much  to  do  in  the  city  right  about  now,”        she  elbows  hosea  gently,  finding  it  within  her  to  smile  through  the  cold,        “much  less  have  any  room  t’build  snowmen.”        a  subtle  correction  of  ‘little  sculptures’.  trembling  hands  are  kept  deep  in  the  pockets  of  her  jacket,  and  she  moves  closer  to  hosea,  taking  the  blanket  over  her  shoulders  and  wrapping  it  over  his,  as  well.       “i’ll  take  bitter  cold  plains  over  dirty,  city  streets  any  day.”

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 katzengesicht :  OCELOT.

   THERE ARE TEARS SWIMMING IN ELIZA’S EYES, as she pushes closer to him, right into his space and almost reflexively, ocelot retreats. he doesn’t let go of her wrist. but in that moment, his eyes widen the smallest amount, and he takes half a step back, his usual determination dimmed. does he leave? avoid the confrontation with whatever’s going on in her mind? it’d be valuable information. or, at the very least, a way to strengthen their bond, a way for her to owe him sometime down the line. 

   he can’t leave her like this. she’s going to get herself hurt. so, what does he do instead? 

   the grasp around her wrist tightens some more, to the point that he’s vaguely aware it would bruise, if he doesn’t relent. he yanks her closer, bridging the step he’d taken backwards, examines her wounded fingers. eliza is desperate, and she’s not trying to hide it. lies, ocelot can handle. charades, schemes, the type of smile that you don’t mean. exactly the kind of surface relationships he’s built with some of dutch’s people. but right now, eliza is honest in her pain, and ocelot is at a loss. a disadvantage, he thinks through gritted teeth.

   ‘ no. ‘ with his other hand, he reaches for her collar, pulls roughly. ‘ you think you’re gonna get any money like this? emotional, wound up? not thinking clearly? ‘ like this, almost nose to nose, ocelot can see the bags under her eyes, the signs of exhaustion that caused him to stop her in the first place. ‘ aren’t you smarter than that, kardel? ‘ 

   kardel, her last name. eliza, her first. ocelot loosens his hold on her collar, presses out a breath to calm both himself and the tension between them. ‘ you’ll do more harm than good, eliza. sit down. ‘

it’s  a  bitter,  toxic  mess  of  shame  &  overwhelmed  responsibility  on  the  tip  of  her  tongue  -  he’s  retreating  from  all  her  humanity,  on  gory  display  in  hopes  of  making  him  uncomfortable.  (earning�� her  freedom  back  out  of  pure  spite.)  it’s  only  then  that  she  realizes  the  severity  of  which  he’s  holding  her  gaze  -  oce  takes  her  wrist  even  tighter  into  his  hand,  the  muted  sound  of  a  withheld  whimper  making  her  feel  like  nothing  more  than  the  vermin  she  is  -  needy,  strung  out  &  desperate.  she  doesn’t  have  time  for  this  -  she  doesn’t  have  fucking  time  for  this.

eliza’s  ready  to  persist  in  her  resistance  until  he  yanks  her  closer,  unceremoniously  sending  a  shock  of  pain  through  her  forearm  -  distracted  only  by  the  force  with  which  he  pulls  her  closer  by  her  collar.  there  isn’t  a  single  fault  in  what  he  says  -  she  knows  that.  she  isn’t  mad  at  him,  she’s  mad  at  herself  -  mad  at  the  situation,  mad  about  everything.  she  sees  red  when  he  comes  closer,  the  snarl  &  twitching  of  silent  lips  proving  him  right.  (she  is  smarter  than  that,  but  she  doesn’t  feel  like  it.)  this  close,  eliza  can  see  the  humanity  in  ocelot’s  eyes.

if  he  is  the  head,  she  is  the  heart  -  massacred  and  bleeding,  in  need  of  a  blessed  revival.  he  hisses  out  her  name,  and  eliza  relents  -  she  exhales  a  shallow  puff  of  air,  swallowing  her  emotion  &  placating  anger  with  irritated  obedience.  she  strains  to  sit  against  a  nearby  boulder,  propping  herself  up  against  the  surface  and  diverting  her  gaze  from  ocelot.  only  when  she  regains  the  desire  to  speak  again  does  eliza  mumble,       “i  already  did  enough  harm,”       with  little  further  clarification  offered;  bruised  &  scraped  fingers  grazing  over  the  bruises  on  her  cheek,       “i  don’t  wanna  do  anymore.”

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red dead redemption 2 starters

❝ in these books life seems so simple, but in reality… i can’t make head nor tail of it. ❞  ❝ listen to me. when the times comes, you gotta run and don’t look back. ❞ ❝ i ain’t afraid of dying. ❞ ❝ i’m still standing, which is an improvement on the last time you saw me. ❞ ❝ i still think about you. that was…that was quite a time. ❞ ❝ people don’t forget. nothing gets forgiven. ❞ ❝ your father would rather you did not do anything so foolish. ❞ ❝ forgiveness, well…it’s just an easy way of saying ‘i don’t care no more’. ❞ ❝ i know you like to hide behind the angry moron act, but it’s a thin enough veneer. ❞ ❝ when somebody doesn’t lie in this world and you don’t lie to them, then together you can achieve great things and destroy great powers. ❞ ❝ i remain a fool, and i’m sure i shall die a fool, but i’m trying very hard to be something like the man you deserve. ❞ ❝ i am always honest, maybe not always good, but i’m always honest. ❞ ❝ why you got that guilty look on your face? ❞ ❝ i trust i will not make a god awful fool of myself once more– but somehow i imagine i shall. ❞ ❝ please don’t go to any trouble on my account. ❞ ❝ you ain’t gonna die. not yet. ❞ ❝ feels like things have changed…the whole world has changed. ❞ ❝ i feel like we haven’t spoken for days. ❞ ❝ we’re thieves in a world that don’t want us no more. ❞ ❝ we can’t change what’s done. we can only move on. ❞ ❝ just do one thing or the other. don’t try to be two people at once. ❞ ❝ we’re more ghosts than people. ❞ ❝ how can romance ever be silly? it’s all we have. ❞ ❝ vengeance is an idiot’s game. ❞ ❝ i don’t think we can go much further on the horses. ❞ ❝ i’m surprised we escaped at all. ❞ ❝ you’re…i was gonna say you’re like a son/daughter to me. ❞ ❝ you’re…i was gonna say you’re like a son/daughter to me…but you’re more than that. ❞ ❝ this is a new low, even by your standards. ❞ ❝ i do my utmost to avoid you. ❞ ❝ i thought the whole point was that this had nothing to do with you? ❞ ❝ i’m sorry to complain. it’s just so… ❞ ❝ i need you now…more than ever. ❞ ❝ face me to the west so i can watch the setting sun and remember all the fine times we had that way. ❞ ❝ do you ever miss home? must be hard, being so far away. ❞ ❝ you know, we’re gonna need to come up with a better story for that scar. ❞ ❝ there’s a good man within you…but he is wrestling a giant. ❞ ❝ you saved my life. you’re a good man. ❞ ❝ there’s only one of me. i don’t intend for them to know i’m coming. ❞ ❝ i thought you were trying to make me feel better. ❞ ❝ be loyal to what matters. ❞ ❝ you know, i don’t think i’ve ever seen you squeal before. ❞ ❝ i’m miserable. been a tough few days. ❞ ❝ i trust your judgement. always have. ❞ ❝ i’m just gonna…have a little sit down and…feel sorry for myself. ❞ ❝ i tried. in the end. i did. ❞ ❝ one day, folk will take orders from me…and trust me, it won’t be no laughing matter. ❞ ❝ here, take a drink of this. ❞ ❝ seems like there ain’t much else in this world except bastards, victims of bastards and the bastards who want to put the bastards in the ground. ❞ ❝ we’ll get off this mountain soon enough. ❞ ❝ i haven’t slept in three days. ❞ ❝ just thought you might’ve moved on by now. ❞ ❝ thanks for coming for me. ❞ ❝ you got sad eyes…like you’ve seen sad things. ❞ ❝ you always said revenge is a luxury we can’t afford. ❞ ❝ you don’t hire a saint to catch a sinner. ❞ ❝ you’re alive! oh, you’re alive! ❞ ❝ go. now. i’ll hold them off. ❞ ❝ are you okay? i mean you no harm. ❞ ❝ i’m nobody. ❞ ❝ what about you? you doubting me too? ❞ ❝ it’s enough to make a man drink. or worse. ❞ ❝ i knew not to trust, yet i had no choice. ❞ ❝ there ain’t no more time to talk. go. ❞ ❝ thank you, for your strength. it means a lot to me. ❞ ❝ firstly, we ain’t friends. don’t make no mistake on that subject. ❞ ❝ i’m so bored i’d rather be shot. ❞ ❝ it’ll mean a lot to me…please. ❞ ❝ you’re gonna sleep with your chest open if you ain’t careful. ❞ ❝ the bond we share, it’s the most real thing to me. i would kill for it, i would happily die for it… ❞ ❝ life is full of pain. but there is also love, and beauty. ❞ ❝ my pa used to say you stare into the fire long enough you can see the whole world pass by. ❞ ❝ whenever we happen to meet, you’re always helping people and smiling. ❞ ❝ do as you’re goddamn told. and shoot well. ❞ ❝ i guess he never outgrew his anger. kind of like you. ❞ ❝ some trees flourish, others die. some cattle grow strong, others are taken by wolves. some men are born rich enough and dumb enough to enjoy their lives. ain’t nothing fair. you know that. ❞ ❝ you’re driven by powerful forces i scarcely understand. ❞ ❝ oh you fool. you sad, deluded fool. torn in two by different ideas of who you were, and it turns out you weren’t neither of them. ❞ ❝ well, i think you’re as slippery as an eel in an oil slick, but still a man/woman. ❞ ❝ with you watching over me, i’d walk into hell itself. ❞ ❝ lack of something to feel important about is almost the greatest tragedy a man may have. ❞ ❝ when i was your age, i fought. i saw death. i have killed. ❞ ❝ i wish things were different. but it weren’t us who changed. ❞ ❝ nobody’s taking anything from me ever again. ❞ ❝ some jobs aren’t for saving and some legacies are for pissing on. ❞ ❝ you’re my favorite parasite… no, wait, ringworm’s my favorite parasite, you’re my second-favorite parasite… i lied. ringworm, then, rats with the plague, then you. ❞ ❝ just leave it to me. i can talk a dog off a meat wagon. ❞ ❝ forgive me if i slip and stab you in the face. ❞ ❝ this place, ain’t no such thing as civilized. it’s man so in love with greed, that he has forgotten himself and found only appetites. ❞ ❝ shut up…you know, you’re not very nice to me. ❞ ❝ the amount of hell we’ve raised, we’re owed some back. ❞ ❝ i haven’t done anything wrong aside of not playing the games to your rules. ❞ ❝ don’t let yourself get killed…for pride. i’ve seen it kill too many folk. ❞ ❝ when you fall, there’ll be a party. ❞ ❝ every day i didn’t kill you, is a day i saved your life. ❞ ❝ i can’t kill them all silently so, when they chase me, you go the other way. ❞ ❝ does this seem like a good time for sarcasm to you? ❞ ❝ usually i’m worse than the wolves. ❞ ❝ i don’t have to be careful. i have you as a friend. ❞ ❝ i wish i had acquired wisdom at less of a price. ❞ ❝ they’re chasing us hard, because we represent everything they fear. ❞ ❝ you know all that mattered to me was loyalty? it was all i ever believed in. ❞ ❝ never thought i’d say this but…it’s good to see you. ❞ ❝ we’ve all lived bad lives. we all sin…but i know you. ❞ ❝ i kill people. and maybe i should’ve killed you. ❞ ❝ ain’t you a sorry sight? ❞ ❝ your job’s starting the fights, it ain’t winning them. ❞ ❝ some big, loud mouthed bastard tried to rob me when i was out riding so i… well, you know how it is. ❞ ❝ there ain’t no shame in looking for a better world. ❞ ❝ i can hunt, carry a knife, and use a gun. ❞   ❝ …is it too late for us? ❞ ❝ if the purpose of life was to be liked…it would be very boring indeed. ❞ ❝ i’ve been running for as long as i can remember. ❞     ❝ they turned me into a monster. ❞   ❝ i always wondered if i was unlucky…but maybe i’m just not very good. ❞ ❝ don’t kill yourself over pride. i’ve seen it kill too many folks. ❞ ❝ sorry if i seem a little desperate. i am a little desperate. ❞ ❝ if anyone gets close to me, they’re wanted too. and i can’t have you wrapped up in that. ❞ ❝ there’s all kinds of nasty people who want to speak to you. ❞ ❝ they won’t hear anything about you from me. ❞ ❝ tell me about you, darling and armed to the teeth like that. ❞ ❝ i also…found out some unsettling news about you. ❞ ❝ i don’t know how to say it…thank you. ❞ ❝ you…don’t like me much, do you? ❞ ❝ i can’t lie to you. i’m a wanted man. ❞ ❝ that’s quite a scratch you got there. ❞ ❝ take a gamble that love exists, and do a loving act. ❞ ❝ i’m seeing things a lot more clearly now. ❞ ❝ where are you? can you hear me? ❞ ❝ i think someone saw some wolves, not far away. you should watch out. ❞ ❝ guess all i got now is doubt. doubts and scars. ❞ ❝ it wasn’t me who went and shot him. ❞ ❝ will you dance with me? ❞ ❝ i like you. you’ve got a kind face. ❞ ❝ i’m not a good man. not usually. ❞ ❝ there’s a lot i should’ve done and even more i shouldn’t have done. ❞ ❝ you are a compulsive liar. ❞ ❝ next time, i’ll slit your throat myself. ❞ ❝ as long as we get paid or you get shot, i’m happy. ❞ ❝ i’m not designed for this snow. ❞ ❝ you don’t get to live a bad life and have good things happen to you. ❞ ❝ shut up you silly man and kiss me. ❞ ❝ who made you the messiah of these poor souls you’ve led so horribly astray? ❞ ❝ maybe it’s a sign. try to do the good thing. ❞ ❝ how many times do i gotta bury you? ❞ ❝ you are the only feller who could get half of their brain eaten by wolves and end up more intelligent. ❞ ❝ five thousand dollars? for me? can i turn myself in? ❞ ❝ if you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is to stop digging. ❞     ❝ we ain’t both gonna make it. ❞ ❝ i gave you all i had. i did. ❞ ❝ if we have to fight, we fight. If we have to run, we’ll run. if we must die, we’ll die. but…we’ll stay free. ❞ ❝ people call me lazy. i’m not lazy, just don’t like working. there’s a difference. ❞ ❝ i guess…i’m afraid. ❞ ❝ oh, i didn’t know i was talking to a lady. ❞ ❝ i don’t feel too good. ❞ ❝ you have finally lost your mind. ❞

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consider: holding eliza’s hands to keep her warm in the yeehaw winters.

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@sunbentsky​  said:  breathe - muse a holds muse b closely to help them wind down after a stressful day/event (Saskia <3)    /    MEME.

as  much  as  eliza  likes  to  think  otherwise,  she  doesn’t  hide  her  stress  well.  the  ill  will  changes  her  entire  demeanor;  from  the  way  she  stands,  the  manner  with  which  she  carries  herself  to  the  lilt  of  her  voice.  even  the  poise  with  which  a  gentle  gaze  is  usually  held  is  harder  -  more  defined  by  the  turmoil  behind  it.

the  stench  of  st.  denis  is  what  finally  pushes  her  over  the  edge,  and  saskia  knows  that  -  as  eliza  stands  on  the  brink  of  frustration  pushed  to  tears,  she  feels  familiar  arms  encircle  her  torso.  it’s  only  as  she  times  the  other  woman’s  heartbeat  against  her  own  that  eliza  realizes  how  quick  her  pulse  had  heightened;  it  isn’t  one  particular  thing  that  induces  this  anxious,  irritable  attitude  -  it’s  the  illustrious  wealth,  the  poverty,  and  the  hangings  turned  to  sport.  she  feels  like  society  is  encroaching  upon  her  -  but  in  saskia’s  arms,  she  melts  willingly  into  vulnerability  &  allows  hot  tears  to  retreat  stagnant  against  her  waterline.       “angel  -  ...”       her  forearms  wrap  tightly  around  the  woman’s  waist,  holding  her  in  place  as  she  regains  her  composure;       “...  i  don’t  like’t  here.”

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Send ‘Bathing in Nature’ For the sending muse to catch the receiving muse bathing in a river or lake.

Remember to specify muse for multi-muse blogs!

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me: *is still alive* me: how

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katzengesicht :  OCELOT.

   OCELOT’S INSTINCTS TELL HIM TO PUSH. he questions it almost immediately— what good will that do him, figuring out what’s wrong with her? what would he do beyond that? it’s questions he doesn’t find an answer to in time, because as she passes him, ocelot reaches out to grab her by the wrist that’s held up, covering her face. 

   pulling, then, he makes sure he gets to look at her properly. ‘ y’clearly haven’t been doing a lot of talkin’, yeah. ‘ he’s not sure how he sounds, or how he’s intending to sound. pissed off, maybe. it’s what he does best. when people get angry, they tend to be honest. there’s nothing truer than a genuine expression of violence. so maybe that’s the goal, looking her up and down, the grip around her wrist tightening, leathered gloves squeezing.

   ‘ what’s wrong with you, kardel? ‘ and ocelot’s expression turns into something incredulous, something baffled, something annoyed, as he waits for an answer. 

the  moment  he  grabs  her  by  the  wrist,  eliza’s  body  seizes  -  it  isn’t  panic,  but  there  is  some  surprise  at  the  action.  she  didn’t  expect  it  from  him;  some  foolish,  antagonistic  comment,  maybe,  but  she  definitely  wasn’t  acting  out  for  attention.  she  was  honest  in  her  intention  to  pass  him  by  and  continue  on  a  path  down  a  road  she  may  not  be  able  to  come  back  from  -  eliza  kardel  isn’t  looking  to  be  saved.  she’s  using  every  fiber  &  heartstring  to  fight  for  the  people  she  loves  -  if  she  could  cut  her  beating  heart  from  her  chest  &  give  it  to  her  family,  she  would.  that’d  be  easier  than  the  fate  she  now  knows  as  reality.

in  a  futile  effort,  she  attempts  to  yank  her  arm  back  to  herself,  frustration  boiling  over  as  ocelot  presses  her  for  more  information.  she’s  exhausted  -  the  people  she  loves  are  either  dying  or  killing  each  other,  and  she  can’t  get  them  what  feels  like  the  only  thing  they  need  in  order  to  stop  the  madness.  (money,  money,  money.)  only  now  does  eliza  realize  the  weight  of  the  world  she’s  placed  on  her  own  shoulders;  there’s  a  lump  that  rises  in  her  throat  that  she  desperately  tries  to  swallow.  she  hates  this  type  of  vulnerability  -  there  isn’t  time  for  it.  there  isn’t  fucking  time  for  the  glazed  tears  that  threaten  her  waterline;  ocelot’s  stronger  than  she  is,  and  she  just  wants  him  to  let  go  of  her.       “i  need  fucking  money  -”       she  starts,  each  syllable  enunciated  with  a  newfound  hatred  for  the  thing;  she  leans  in  closer  to  ocelot,  pulling  into  his  personal  space,       “-  an’  i’m  runnin’  out  of  ways  t’get  it.”       he  wanted  the  truth?  that’s  the  truth.

eliza’s  angry  -  absolutely  livid  at  herself  &  the  world  surrounding  them,  and  it  shows  in  her  furrowed  brow,  sharpened  gaze  &  toughened  upper  lip.       “...  let  go  of  me.”

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let's  ...  build  dynamics.  🥺 👉👈

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“She was extraordinarily lovely, with something of both satin and velvet in her. Her eyes were dark and moist, her mouth glowed, her skin reflected the light.”

— Anaïs Nin, from “Delta Of Venus,” originally published c. August 1977

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There’s a little flame between us. It’s always burning. And I’ve come to believe that tending a fire like that is purpose enough for any life. Emma Corrin as Lady Chatterley & Jack O’Connell as Oliver Mellors in Lady Chatterley’s Lover (2022) dir. Laure de Clermont-Tonnerre

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i  will  literally  never  be  over  the  symbolism  /  literal  personification  of  eliza  as  love  incarnate .  the  living,  breathing  heartbeat  and  morality  of  any  setting  -  who  can  be  twisted  &  can  be  lost  &  can  be  broken  but  still  continues  to  persevere  regardless .  :")

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*rings  bell*  where  are  my  chapter  4  threads?  my  st  denis  interactions?  must  i  BEG?