dsy222

[dsy222]

i understand i can't keep going like this

maybe that's the reason I'm not a top student, since im cheating so much. i see and i understand i need to change but i can't, i try but i fail. there's so many things i should learn but its so hard to me, I'm praying to god that next semester will be lighter and I'll be able to study properly

honestly it makes me sad im so ????? idk, different from them, my friends. i dont want to fail

[dsy222]

i have to acknowledge the last people who hurt me because sometimes it feels like shattered pieces are scraping my heart and my life.

i 'dated' someone who wasn't who i thought it was, i trusted him with many many aspects of my life and i truly gave EVERYTHING of me, just to discover later on it was all fake

this is messed up and i don't want to be played with again, i want to trust myself and keep my standards and my needs whenever I'm getting close to someone, i just can't stand the fact i got feelings for someone that was just lying to me

[dsy222]

guide to getting better

this is me trying to therapy myself :p

• i compare myself a lot with my colleagues and feel sad because im not smart at them

is it fair doing this? people come from different places in life, but especially me im surrounded by people who studied in the best schools and always had family support (as far as i know). and good for them!! but i dont have that, so i cant compare myself to their reality.

what i can do is: my best. always. put my effort into studying and learn the things i haven't before, if i was really dumb i wouldnt be able to write in another language. and i did enter one of the best colleges in brazil. this is not something to forget. but to cheer.

• i'm afraid i'll lose my home

absolutely understandable, this is out of my control and the only thing i could possibly do is: wait. and thats where the problem lays. but we're pulling strings, trying to change this and hopefully is for the best. its a thing for the future and i have more important things to focus now rather than this. what's in the future it's in the future and i wont let it affect me till it reaches me.

• i got rejected and it looks like i'm anxious for something romantic because it's been so long since i had something

also fair. it's okay to feel sad because someone hurt you, it doesnt matter for them if it was nothing, for me it was something. it will pass, yes, but before that, i will admit my sadness.

but not having something is what i really need, i have to buid up my life and my dreams and my self love, my time has to be utterly for studies and myself. dating now would ruin a lot of things.

• i feel like losing my time when im resting and not studying

its specially hard trying to convince myself with my own words. but i need to rest too. as long as i finish my tasks its okay to rest because resting is part of learning too. why do i feel guilty for simply taking time for myself? my brain is out of this world

everything happens for a reason. dont be so stressed about every outcome of our lives because some are out of our control and we need to learn how to be around it without affecting us. everything happens for a reason. im doing what im doing because thats what im supposed to do and thats what i need to reach my dream. its worth the effort and worth the losses. nothing comes easy.

ill be suffering but i hope i can keep in mind that every action and every choice made by me is in order to achieve what i was meant to be.

[dsy222]

its the first day of may.

i was showering and thinking about all the possibles outcomes ever. i am going to try to be more grateful for now on. i'll be less transparent, i will be more confident with myself and i definitely wont flirt with someone especially of my semester lol. thinking about it deep maybe it was truly the best thing, bc if i were to catch feelings it would ruin my studies so much, i know this bc that was me last semester. i wont reminisce what didnt happen. she told me the truth, and thats what i deserved.

i'm putting all my effort into studying, im making my routine and selecting what to study everyday and i feel good finishing my tasks, when i remember something i feel very happy too. the feeling of learning, huh? i'll try to keep in mind that this will work out. if i want it so much it's because my future self already have it and it's guiding me towards it.

i like thinking this.

its 7:09pm, ill play the sims and rest a bit, thats what i did today:

yes i will still do the not checked one!

life is not always flowers but is not always thorns too.

getting into college was not easy and its not fair to think it less of this achievement, i put my soul to enter my university, and my soul will be there till i finish my graduation.

i want to live a good life, and for this to happen i need to change a little bit, i hope that i can change in the best ways possible to a human.

nobody said it would be easy, and i dont want it to be easy, i know its hard, but im just like anyone else out there, if they can do it I can do it. im not comparing myself, i will fall down but i'll always get back on my feet.

[dsy222]

i lost my habit of writing in my diary. its 26 04 25 today. yesterday was my birthday. i dont think i would change a bit of everything i did. i mourn vomiting tho. i felt very happy with my friends, it was the very first birthday where i did what i wanted. i was happy and energetic. i flirted a lot lmao i felt so so in love there.

besides the good, i have 3 exams coming and its gonna be hard. really really hard and im really really scared, im not trusting myself because i dont feel smart, i never felt smart and i dont know what i should to change.

i never really change

i want to be better but sometimes i cant focus, i cant learn, i cant everything, i wanted to be normal and study and remember and learn just like everyone. i wanted good grades. i want to fulfill my dreams :( but i dont feel capable

[dsy222]

28022025

im glad you wont read this text, because this is definitely about me, and not you.

well, how should i start? its weird writing about someone who is not even real, its curious ig. i hope i haven't meant a thing to you, honestly. i hope you dont remember even my name, and nothing about my life. i admit that i have ignored the signs, but im just a girl right? i will always expect the best of everyone. you must think you broke me forever but one thing you dont know about me is that im a lover by heart. i will always believe in love and my heart will always remain breakable. i won't mourn what i didn't had. since i have no idea of who you really are, there's just no way i can hope or pray you get something. but at the very bottom, i wish you dont ever hurt another person again. believing in karma or not, you will die one day, you wont be manipulating girls forever. i think it's low, even for you, using a family that's not even yours to corroborate your fake life. maybe your life its truly the shit you told me it is, because you're the one bringing this to yourself.

i have a family who loves me, i have friends that supports me, and i don't have to lie and pretend to be someone else, because if something is hard, i will just fight for it till i get it. i dont have to mask myself behind profiles to live a life i dont have.

its a goodbye forever, but thanks for introducing me to blue lock, its a great piece of fiction that you wont ever understand fully because its about strenght and hope and friendship, and you dont have any of it.

[dsy222]

26022025

im surprised you sent me a message, utterly shocked tbh. but you keep ignoring my most important texts, so.. we're not really having a conversation, you're just answering. i still dont know what to think, and its disappointing. i feel like losing faith, and hope, i think we'll never be like we once were. im getting tired of trying and not seeing you trying back. i keep holding back my words because i know you're going through some hard stuff, but it makes me go through hard stuff too

[dsy222]

25022025

today the days match, don't you think its pretty?

i woke up kinda anxious, thinking about you, us... idk. i dont have the right words to explain exactly how i feel, and this is really weird because usually i know what im feeling. im sad, then im angry, then im chill, then i understand. but you're just soooooo far, i miss being around you, i miss hearing you, i miss all of you. i dont need to extend myself rightt you already know this.

i wish you could let me in, maybe you dont trust me enough to share your demons, after all. i wanted to be there for you at any circumstance, any moment, but you'd rather be alone, that's nothing i can do to change that, and honestly i didnt wanted to change you, but make you understand that i can be alone with you too.

tell me, love, where did you go?

hold on to me, i'm always waiting for you. i dont want it easy, i want you. if you're feeling 20%, let me be 80% for you.

"the possibility of you is better than the reality of anyone else."

[dsy222]

24022025

here i am again, i guess. writing my feelings in a text because i can't talk about them with you. i feel sooooo lost, i mean it. everyday i wake up thinking something different and its not coherent. i dont know if i should keep going and waiting for you, i still dont know what happened and you wont tell me, im like ???? always catching myself in the middle of NOTHING. i dont know if i should do what you said: lets breakup, i really dont know and this hurts as hell. the anxiety kills me, i have no idea if you still wants me lmao. i just know im tired of being left aside by you with no explanation. i think i shouldnt expect you having back the consideration i have for you.

i wish i was angry, because feeling angry is better than feeling sad.

maybe im angry because of the situations that led us to this, which is? i'll just blame this fucking country and those damn politics, you're just so tired or sick all the time and that's what it is. its out of our control. i watch as you get one day per week of rest just to wake up with the sun the next day, and the next one, and the next one rinse and repeat. i know its exhausting, i wish i could give you my life for a month just so you can have a lot of time to rest.

[dsy222]

230225

i miss talking to you, my love. i'll try not to cry while writing this. but i miss having a real conversation, and not only get your answers to my texts, i mean a real conversation. i miss talking to you about how was my day, i miss you talking about how was your day, i miss you saying "im going home", "im home", "im going to sleep". i miss you talking and sending pictures of your cats, and the foods you ate, and after-shower pictures -- those where your hair is wet and falling down your face. sinto saudades. saudades, saudades, saudades.

me pergunto se é a coisa certa, se é o que você quer mesmo, tipo, ficar comigo. queria que você conversasse um pouco mais assertivamente comigo, porque quando você não fala claramente, eu vou supor coisas, coisas que são falsas, que são invenções minhas pra tentar entender o que realmente acontece. não é uma exigência, mas me pergunto também se você tentaria mudar isso sabendo que é algo de que eu preciso que aconteça. me pergunto se o seu amor por mim e a importância que você diz eu ter na sua vida te fariam sair da sua zona de conforto pra poder estar comigo de verdade. eu te dou o espaço que você precisa, porque eu sei que é essencial pra ti, mesmo que faça algumas ranhuras no meu coração por conta da saudade e do apego; você se colocaria nessa posição pra atender a um pedido meu? eu costumava achar que sim, mas eu não ficaria com raiva se hoje em dia você dissesse que não, porque tá tudo bem se priorizar. e agora eu penso que você cogitou nosso término porque queria priorizar seu bem estar e eu cortei essa possibilidade, então talvez tenha sido egoísta da minha parte, mas eu não sei, porque você não conversa comigo.

são quase 7 meses, e eu nunca cheguei tão longe assim, então eu não sei se estou agindo certo ou errado, só queria ter uma certeza de que você vai ficar. hoje é domingo, e ontem eu chorei pra caralho lembrando de você dizendo "talvez o melhor seja terminar", e seilá, melhor pra quem? talvez pra você, só. mas fiquei pensando que você não quis nem tentar, você só queria dar um basta em nós e adeus, fingir que eu nunca te conheci? mas talvez fosse o melhor mesmo, por que eu não quero que minha presença seja um empecilho, não quero ser um peso ou obrigação pra você, queria ser a pessoa que acalma sua alma e seu coração, mas eu não acho que eu consiga ser o que você precisa. machuca bastante falar isso, na verdade. é um pouco muito triste olhar com perspectiva pra isso e sentir que não vamos durar, mesmo que eu tente. e eu tento pra caralho. mas eu tô tentando sozinha, e namorando sozinha, quase.

queria que resolvêssemos isso, mas você precisa do seu tempo, e eu preciso de garantia. você precisa da sua própria companhia, e eu preciso da sua companhia também. não tiro sua razão de se priorizar, de evitar se machucar e se decepcionar. eu amaria ser um pouco mais assim.

apesar disso, eu quero ficar com você, eu quero tentar, eu quero te ver. eu quero você.

mas talvez você não queira nada disso.

[dsy222]

its 22/2

i dont know what else to do. i catch advices from media and friends but i'm the only one who knows what should be done. but im not in the right mind to know what is it i should do. i just know it hurts. i miss him so much it hurts my heart and i feel broken inside. it doesnt even look like he misses me too, its like im the only one suffering. just like always. im always the one who ends up hurt. everything is wrong. im glad im off college rn because i have time to cry.

im losing myself too. my hair fell so much that it's ugly now. i feel ugly. i have no motivation to do my hair anymore, it feels like a hard task. and i know this feeling all to well. i dont want to feel empty again, but its so much work to be fine.

everything is wrong and im alone. so alone.

[dsy222]

eu me pergunto se algum dia vou deixar de ter medo. medo de tudo, medo de não ir bem na faculdade, medo de não conseguir um emprego, medo de conseguir um emprego e ser péssima no que me propor a fazer, medo de não ter onde morar, medo de ficar sem meus gatos, medo de não ser suficiente pra mim mesma. na sequência de medos, ajuda bastante ter companhias principalmente de longa data que eu posso conversar, mas eu também tenho medo de perdê-los. tenho medo de perder e abdicar dos meus sonhos, acho que essa dor me mudaria como pessoa. tenho medo de um dia acordar e não mais mandar 'bom dia amor' pro meu matheus. tenho medo de que ele decida ficar sozinho sem eu na cola dele — uma pessoa cheia de qnsiedade e insegurança —

eu sou uma pessoa que acredita, eu gosto de sonhar alto e ser esperançosa, mas as vezes a vida me dá uma rasteira e me mostrq como as coisas realmente são, e é muito doloroso aceitar a verdade.

eu acredito que nosso futuro já existe e nós tomamos decisões e corremos atrás de conseguir chegar até lá, nossa versão futura nos guia até ela.

as vezes eu me sinto forte, capaz de qualquer coisa no mundo, um pico de motivação mesmo. eu não sei em que acreditar, é saudável ter esperança?

me encontro agora em uma situação que me lembra o que vivi mais nova, a perda de confiança e decepção em uma pessoa que deveria ser boa pra mim. e é uma merda reviver isso, eu queria ficar longe mas não consigo por que a pessoa em si tá sendo horrível e insensível. eu não posso controlar isso, e machuca muito que a única coisa que posso fazer é esperar, esperar pelo tempo, mas é difícil ficar em paz com isso; o tempo, a demora, eu enlouqueço um pouco mais

não importa o quanto eu escreva o sentimento não vai passar, a ansiedade não passa enquanto isso não acabar, e eu só queria me sentir em paz. pensar no futuro e ter certeza, queria ser suficiente nas coisas que eu faço — ou tento fazer —, queria não ser um peso pro meu namorado, queria acalmar e trazer paz pra ele ao invés de dor de cabeça, queria poder ficar com ele pra sempre, queria não ser tão doente e quebrada. queria que ele tivesse certeza sobre mim, queria ser boa pra ele, queria não ser horrível

[dsy222]

well, i definitely got the sign i wished for and hey whatever it is im grateful for the help. i'm not giving up on him, not today or tomorrow or ever in my life, he will always be worth the fight, i just wish i could do more.

i know only love can't be everything in a relationship, but that's one thing that we'll never run off. i love him, he loves me, this is going to be so strong, i wil be what keeps him here. but i kinda feel guilty now bc i know i pushed too much, i should've let him take his time but i was selfish and ended up creating one more problem. im gonna say sorry later, i wont bring this again for now bc i know it hurts him.

im hoping so much he gets strength to go through what its happening right now, in the end, i only want him to be happy and free. he's so wonderful, so so incredible and gentle, he deserves all the world.

[dsy222]

what do i do. im losing the love of my life and i don't even know what happened for him to be like this. i don't wanna give up on him because i love him and i want to spend the life by his side. but even for someone as hopeful as i am, i need something to hold on. please, please, give me a sign this is worth the fight, i can't fight alone. i just wanted to be him, i wish it so much, but he doesn't want to fight for himself therefore he won't fight for us. tell me if im doing right, or wrong, or whatever.

i can't move on from him

that's the kind of heartbreak time could never mend :(

[dsy222]

the sad thing is that I'm gonna regret this by thursday, bc that's the day of my exam and my studies are poor. i swear I'm trying but my mind isn't on the right place. I'm not smart and i might fail because hope never bought me anything good in life. i wish i could be different. if i had no feelings it would be easier. what the fuck is my future?

[dsy222]

its getting harder and harder to just swallow my feelings and pretending it's all okay. i wish i could just forget it. you're not even talking to me, i don't know how your life has been going, youre letting me out and i dont understand. i just wanted you to talk to me, 10 minutes would be enough but im learning everyday that im not a priority in your life, no matter how much i try i cant make you speak to me. im tired.

[dsy222]

im standing while waiting for my bus so i can't write on paper.

im struggling. well, im sick. my head hurts. my nose hurts. and i still care for my friends. even in this situation i can't seem to put myself first. i think i need to put my phone down, turn off my internet and do my stuff. unfortunately im paying the price now, i have a bunch of bad grades and maybe I'll fail chem which is one of the most important things in my graduation.

i really want to change, i need to live my life, after all. every truth hurts to the core because all we want is something different of what it is. but i also want to try not to think too much, life is life and its always there. there's no way i can figure it out life, i feel it changes everyday.

let's make the first move.

• stay less time on the phone

• try new things, maybe new movies, new songs

• get out of your comfort zone

• control your time

• if someone doesn't care, you won't care either

• live