dual-perspectives

[dual-perspectives]

Thank you for reading!

To leave you with a little something personal, I hope you'll enjoy the song "Change" by Big Thief as much as I do.

As you continue to grow and develop down whatever road you find yourself on, I hope you do so with compassion for yourself and others, embracing change as a guide along the way <3

Big Thief | Change

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Final Thoughts

This digital literacy narrative has helped me understand the road that lay behind me and at my feet. In considering these memories and the way they inform my identity, I can also consider how they inform my practice as a writing mentor with the specific goal of helping others embrace themselves and the extension of self that comes through in their writing. No student should feel excluded from self-expression, and I want my practice to reflect that.

I think that my practice operates on these three central themes:

First, I think my literacy with reading and writing as a child, wherein I found my safest space in exploring my thoughts about a book with a mentor figure, has led to me holding the integrity of my peers' trust as they share their ideas in high regard. I believe that in every one of us there exists an entire inner world made up of fascinating perspectives about the world around us. As a child, I didn't feel safe sharing my views until it was made okay by the help of written expression, egged on by a mentor. So, in my own work as a writing mentor, I want to help make writing a place where my peers can be made to feel as safe as I felt in those early days, when I could write about the way I felt about my favorite works without fear of being judged. In committing to this, I aim to facilitate open communication rather than shutting down others' opinions or voices.

Second, my literacy with culture and the various ways it impacts those within it guides my interactions with peers by helping me consider all the many ways we can feel supported or rejected by the greater culture we occupy. Knowing how difficult it was for me to feel like I could navigate a world seemingly not made for me and considering the way those in similar situations might feel, my approach at mentorship seeks to be all-inclusive to people from every walk of life. Rather than seek to perpetuate an attitude of difference, I want to help maintain conversations that are conducive to self-reflection and acceptance for people who may feel the same "otherness" I once did.

Finally, as I continue to develop my health literacy, I want to take my practice in a direction that helps others consider their own thinking and how they can help themselves reach brand new heights. While sobriety and the forms of literacy tied to it is still one I am currently learning, it has afforded me great insight into the way I think about myself and the daily habits and personal obstacles I live with. If the literacy I developed from this phase of my life is showing me anything, it's that there are always new ways of approaching a situation, even if it once seemed unchangeable. In providing a judgement-free space where any person who might be struggling to achieve inner peace or a sense of self they are comfortable with, I hope to utilize what I've learned about offering grace to myself and offer that same grace to my peers.

But what does this all mean? I think that my reflections above have ultimately led me to see that I am a person, tutor, and mentor that encourages healing in others because I see what healing work has done for me. While it took me some time to get to where I am now, working through those aspects of my childhood and high school years in order to stay sober today, I feel more attuned to the kind of person I aspire to be: someone capable of facilitating the kind of conversations that invite deeper introspection into the motivations behind our actions, thought processes, and beliefs. If, in the process, I touch on or inspire something profound with those I tutor, then I'll feel as though I'm achieving what I hope for my tutorials.

Finally, recall what Jessica Dore says of the Tarot, dearest reader. I hope that in asking the right questions to those I mentor, a "passageway to new life" and thinking can be opened for them.

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The final card in the major arcana of Tarot and the polar opposite of the Fool, the World represents the completion of one's journey and offers a message of congratulations for the one who receives it. Whereas the Fool first embarked on their journey without much foresight, the World has the benefit of retrospect: all the elements of the Hero's Journey are in perfect play, culminating in success.

I offer the World as emblematic of what lays ahead of me for my literacy journey. This isn't to say I've achieved a definitive feeling of success by any means, but I think that keeping it in my mind's eye moving forward will help keep me on the right path to it. Reflecting on all of the above experiences, whether bad, good, or something in between, I think I have gained greater insight and clarity into the kind of person I ultimately want to be and how I can work to incorporate that ideal into my practice as a mentor.

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Health Literacy cont.

These books (the "Big Book" of AA, a Daily Reflections book, and my personal recovery journal) represent the way I participate in health literacy today. More than just tools for considering one's physical health, these books and journals are also necessary for my mental health as I continue to work on resolving the resentments, internal and otherwise, that fueled my destructive drinking habits. What's more, I find that they offer me a place of calm in that, especially with the Daily Reflections, I am able to take time out of my day to consider new ways of thinking about situations that I may not have considered before. In doing this, I help make peace with thoughts and lingering regrets that could influence my behaviors in ways I wouldn't have noticed otherwise. In paying attention to these things, and preventing myself from drinking alcohol when a craving arises, I make sure that I apply what I've learned so far about healthful and sober choices in order to better myself as both a person and as an individual managing their alcoholism.

Remember that mantra of transformation I mentioned earlier? I find myself living up to that ideal whenever I actively put theory to practice and successfully maneuver myself through my cravings. I don't always do it right, but I know that I am more than my addiction because I want to do right by myself for myself, while also considering the way my actions affect the people around me.

While my journey to recovery and my place with sobriety isn't perfect, I consider the pieces of literature above as some of the most important and, at the risk of sounding melodramatic, life saving works I own. Using them as resources whenever I find myself struggling, I find myself reminded that I have the tools to take responsibility over myself and my health, leaving self-destructive ideations by the wayside.

Health Literacy Reflection

Although it is the most recent kind of literacy I've become acquainted with, health literacy and its role in my sobriety is probably the most important form of literacy I know. Not only does its role in my life see that I make responsible and physically healthful choices - like regular doctor visits and monitoring the way my body responds to stimuli - but it also assists in my resolving negative experiences from my youth that bore biting resentments as a result. These resentments that led to my desire at escaping the harshness of reality - like the pains of social rejection or the cultural inequity in society - through alcohol abuse have become easier to live with since integrating direct action against those patterns of thinking that serve self-destruction rather than transformation and healing. In working with the fellows of AA and my team of health care providers, I've become aware of the ways I can always take a course of action that will see me as a healthier and happier individual. In working toward that ideal, while I don't think it can ever be met due to human nature, I can at least see myself moving forward on my own personal "Hero's Journey."

Thinking about the way this factors into my tutoring style, I think health literacy impacts my work in a subtle yet important way: being cognizant of my peers' wellbeing. While alcoholism is also a physical dependency, it is primarily an invisible disease that affects the brain and can severely impact one's thought processes. Learning that made me realize there could be any number of other ailments or health problems that my tutees could be silently struggling with, just as I was when at the height of my alcohol dependency. Furthermore, while I would never ask my peers if they have any invisible mental or physical problems without them telling me first, I still want my sessions to hold space for anybody in such a situation to approach me for help without judgment. While I may not be able to understand every situation, and each person in recovery has their own approach, I want to expand the safety I've established in my practice to include those who are trying to better themselves, even if they don't always get it right. I think that, in doing this, I can allow grace for my peers by considering that their work could be impacted by forces they are trying to manage or overcome, so I should not be quick to assume they are simply not putting in enough effort or giving themselves enough time.

We are all on our healing journey, reader, and I encourage you to think about those things you may be putting off or, when you have time, analyze those memories that plague you and ask yourself how you can make small but constant motions toward self-improvement. I've learned from experience that we can't just will ourselves better without first putting in the necessary work, which more often than not includes soothing those defining moments of our past that cling to our present and, without management, will follow us into the future. Take time to reflect and move toward your own goals, dear reader, and remember the little victories along the way.

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Health Literacy

Moving forward to the way literacy factors into my life as it looks now, entering my 30s and with a more grounded sense of self, I have to acknowledge the way my past didn't always make for positive growing experiences. Living with that childhood rejection and growing up angry at a world that could be cruel to those on the fringes of society, I suppose it was only natural that I developed and held onto some pretty heavy resentments. It wasn't until I checked in with my doctor toward the end of 2021, when I felt like I was losing a sense of control over my life due to depression and the neglect of my closest relationships, that I learned to accept something about my identity I hadn't been ready to face - my struggle with alcoholism and addiction. After answering some personal questions related to my drinking habits and the then-current state of my life, he directed me to a chemical dependency clinic that set me to work on my latest literacy endeavor: health literacy. Working with that facility and the supportive staff there, I started working on overcoming those resentments and personal demons that fueled my dangerous drinking patterns. Through literature, weekly check-ups, and several group meetings, they taught me to recognize the patterns of living that contribute to an unhealthy lifestyle brought upon by alcoholism and that the way I drank, which typically led to many nights blacked out drunk and in unsafe places, was not normal. While I attribute my road to recovery as starting here, it was actually a community of fellow recovering alcoholics I met outside of these sessions that helped set me on the path I find myself on now when I consider the way I think about my health and my aspirations to improve upon it.

Encouraged by my therapist to attend an LGBTQIA+ friendly Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) group that she knew about, I instantly found myself at home with this group upon my first meeting. In learning about the different tenets of AA and the way this group, all queer and in different stages of their sobriety, navigated the world after recognizing the way resentments accumulated from our past affect our present has been absolutely life changing for me. The sense of community I had with these peers, bolstered by our shared queer identities and experiences, assisted in steeling my resolve when it comes to sobriety and the literacy that comes with thinking about one's wellbeing in a newer and healthier way.

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The Hanged Man signifies a new perspective brought about by a need to surrender and release old habits or schools of thought. In traditional tarot, this card asks that we take a moment to slow down and pause before making a critical decision or moving forward with a particular action.

As I encounter new challenges in my life, and the literacies involved in my tackling of them, I like to think that The Hanged Man serves as an example for me to plan my next steps carefully so that I can make the best decision for myself rather than an impulsive one. The most recent of formative experiences for me, coming to terms that I have a problem with alcohol has forced me to examine how addiction has impacted my mental and physical wellbeing over the years. Looking back now after I've accepted my situation, I can see how I was growing up with just the right conditions that leading up to alcohol dependency: a tendency for escapism in my younger days in tandem with the resentments I accrued as a teen practically ensured my addiction. Rather than dwell on this, however, I choose to live my life with transformation as my mantra. Much like the Hanged Man, looking only to the past for guidance on what not to do, by uprooting old thought processes and reshaping them in a way that allows me to make healthier choices, I can make great moves for progress in my life that would have been impossible outside of sobriety.

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Evolving Literacy Forms cont.

As I grew up with a new perspective on how my queerness impacted my place within the broader culture, I also became more sensitive to the cultural experiences of other people. Looking back, I think this is because my struggle for self-acceptance made me think of the stories I loved most when I was young: the idealism instilled in me from reading about those protagonists overcoming oppressive forces galvanized and fueled me into wanting better for myself and others.

One example of how my burgeoning queer identity expanded my cultural literacy with regards to others was in coming to understand how, under a dominant culture that devalues femininity and upholds patriarchy, the voices of women are disproportionately silenced by men in positions of power. In fact, becoming aware of this is how I came to meet my best friend, Marianna. Taking an AP English class in high school, where our teacher actively encouraged us to think critically about society through unique assignments and reading, I remember one assignment in particular had us analyze an aspect of our lives and explain the way it impacts us positively or negatively. While I wrote about my queer identity (rather awkwardly because I hadn't really discussed it in such a way before), Marianna wrote a fascinating account of her identity as a woman of color in a Filipino household. Her vulnerability in discussing the way her life has been molded by the societal pressures of being a woman coupled with the pressure she faced as the only girl in her family spoke to me in a revelatory way. Oddly, this project helped facilitate our friendship because we both became curious about one another's stories and made time to discuss our personal experiences with "otherness," and this must have been important to her too, as we've remained close friends ever since.

The video I've shared above is a live performance of Sleater Kinney's "Modern Girl," a song about the limitations and constraints of navigating the world as a woman in a culture that isn't designed to see you aspire to anything outside of domesticity. I share this video because it was one of the first feminist songs that Marianna introduced me to and also helped me understand its meaning, thanks to her own familiarity with the topic. By sharing this with me, Marianna helped me become acquainted with another element of cultural literacy, and I value her role in helping me see this (and, also, her company in several concerts).

In a way, I also think this song and other songs critical of society helped me find a release for the more emotional parts of myself. By relating to those frustrations shared by various artists from diverse backgrounds, I found a healthy outlet for the pent up anger I'd held onto throughout the years. As much as this helped at the time, I'd later find it wasn't enough to see me through the worst of my resentments, which I'd need to tackle head on in order to keep from self-destructing.

Evolving Literacy Forms Reflection

The development of a cultural literacy resulting from one’s status as a marginalized person in America is bittersweet. In my case, it’s unfortunate that I had to experience that initial childhood rejection from others before I could really even understand why it was happening. However, in coming to realize that it was due to my inability to meet a standard that was never designed for me, I was able to meet others who shared in my state of being “other,” which helped secure me from living a life where I felt I had to hide who I was to be accepted. My expanding cultural literacy as a result of these relationships helped me see that I wasn’t at fault for existing on the fringes of a Eurocentric, heteronormative and patriarchal society, and I’ll remain grateful for the insights I gleaned from being friends with others with unique perspectives and worldviews. This is why I value the input of others to this day, and I will never claim to know an objective truth about something without having first considered the way others perceive the issue.

As a writing mentor, I feel this shows up in my sessions through the regard I have for my peers’ lived experiences. Whether they fall on the same fringes of society that defined my upbringing or were lucky enough to be considered “normal,” I enter each session with a fresh slate mentality because I know that I everyone carries cultural baggage that may influence their technical writing and writing style. I suppose this is an extension of my original goal of providing compassion for those I mentor but on a much larger scale: not only do I aim to provide a safe space for others to voice their opinions freely, but I also try to validate their lived experiences because I know that, in order to accept my own situation, I first needed the support and perspective of others who could reassure me that what I lived through was not unique to me. I hope that I can provide that same sense of solidarity that helped me through my personal struggles as a teen to those I work with today.

Reader, while I sincerely hope you didn’t have as much trouble navigating your own cultural experiences as I did growing up, I still want to offer this sentiment to you: your perspective, built up by everything that’s come before, always matters. Whatever walk of life you come from, your voice is worthy of being heard. I only learned to internalize these thoughts from my friends, who supported me in my journey to self-acceptance, but I know hearing these two simple affirmations would have helped immensely growing up and may have spared me from those resentments I mentioned earlier. Resentments that, unfortunately, continue to affect me to this day.

anger makes me a modern girl

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Evolving Literacy Forms cont.

Of course, my experience growing up queer in spaces not designed for me was only one way I came to be culturally literate, but I do attribute the way my "coming out" made me rethink the way I understood the world prior to embracing this new aspect of my identity. Through the use of social media, like tumblr blogs and facebook groups that catered to members of the LGBTQIA+ community specifically, I learned how to validate my own experience as a gay person in a society and culture designed for heteronormative standards of living. The internal validation I learned to provide for myself because of this, when I for so long had to try and fit a mold that was never built for me or people like me, was crucial during my formative teenage years, and it remains a useful point of reference for me today as I strive to advocate for myself and others in the fight for equality under the culture we live in.

But as I stated above, my cultural literacy is not limited to the way I experience the world as a queer person, but it does help me understand other injustices present in the world today and the way they influence those directly affected by them.

Vintage LGBT Badges

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Evolving Literacy Forms

It really wasn't until my teens that I recognized I was literate in a way outside of reading books and those writing practices I had developed when I was younger. Cultural literacy, as I understand it now, was something I had to contend with in a very real way once I reached adolescence, though I think the cultivation of this literacy form had been with me long before then. When I finally realized and accepted that I was gay around the age of 13, my entire world opened up because I was finally able to identify the feeling of "otherness" that had followed me since those elementary school days. My queer awakening brought with it a sudden re-evaluation of self and my place within the world, and I was lucky enough to have a solid support system in that point of my life that got me through the worst of it.

You see, my being a misfit in elementary school gave me a different way of looking at life even before coming to grips with my sexuality. Because of this, and as I grew out of my shell, I was able to make good friends with others who felt the same outsider quality that I had growing up. Through the sharing of experiences, good and bad, and discussing how our identities shaped a lot of how we perceive the world and how the world perceives us in turn, I was able to make lasting connections with other people that helped me understand the way our culture tends to reward a certain demographic of people while disadvantaging and ignoring the voices of others. Through these connections, I learned more about myself and my place in the broader culture.

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The Hermit in tarot stands for introspective thinking and finding answers from within. It indicates a time for withdrawal from outside validation and a private deliberation with the self.

As my literacy practices and sense of identity continued to evolve, I consider this time of my narrative as being particularly marked by the meaning of this card. While I had, by high school, become socially adept and made some really good connections with my peers, I continued to struggle with my identity as a gay teen. Although it's better today, any open displays of queerness at this time were often met with disdain, and I was afraid of being rejected by others again when I had worked so hard to overcome the loneliness I experienced in childhood. However, as I made friends with others who had different-yet-familiar stories about their disillusionment in society, I began to recognize a pattern that led me to reflect and make a discovery of my own: that the culture my friends and I had grown up feeling so different in was designed to benefit certain groups of people over others. This discovery put me on a trajectory toward radical self-acceptance, since I couldn't always depend on others to give me the validation I needed.

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Literacy Beginnings cont.

A Series of Unfortunate Events by Daniel Handler (aka Lemony Snicket) was one of the most influential novels I came across in Mrs. Zelaya's small library. A story about the troubled Baudelaire orphans - three siblings who encounter adversity after adversity and yet, in spite of that, persevere throughout the series - my younger self couldn't help but lose myself in their adventures and share in their little victories against the antagonists and all those obstacles on their road to finding happiness. While not the only story that impacted me in this way, it proved to be the one I identified with the most.

After sharing my love of the series with Mrs. Zelaya, she encouraged me to try writing out what I enjoyed about the stories in detail during our classroom's "read and respond" activities. Though I liked reading before, it was in the recall process these activities provided for me while my appreciation for literature was evolving that I think I started to find a true passion for reading and writing. Especially with the support of Mrs. Zelaya, who would return my classwork with her technical notes on my writing as well as collaborative thoughts regarding the content of the reading, did I begin to correlate the joy I found as a reader with the feeling of accomplishment I'd get when I could effectively communicate why I enjoyed a reading. In this way, reading stories like A Series of Unfortunate Events helped serve as a jumping off point into my literacy journey, and while my love for reading and writing has since grown to include a number of other narrative forms (video games, movies, visual arts, etc.), I will always credit my introduction to and appreciation for the arts to Mrs. Zelaya and the extraordinary worlds her library would teleport me to.

Literacy Beginnings Reflection

Looking back on my reading and writing literacy beginnings - formed from my need for a reprieve from the strange and unfriendly social sphere I found myself in - I can see how my experience primed me to care about the mental wellbeing of others. While I could not have seen it then, I think that being mistreated by my peers in the way I was but quickly (and thankfully) being supported by a mentor figure instilled a “do better” attitude in me. Rather than become like those that were unkind and ostracize others over perceived differences, I grew up wanting to give back the same compassion Mrs. Zelaya extended me through her open classroom and library, and this same principle follows me to this day.

This carries over to my practice as a tutor because the feeling of rejection I got from my peers is one I would like to avoid recreating in those I work with. Approaching each session with an open mind and compassion for my peers, rather than with a judgmental or closed off approach, I aim to make everyone I work with feel comfortable enough to be open and honest in their expressions with me as we collaborate on their writing goals. Moreover, the feeling of vulnerability that’d arise when I’d share my honest thoughts with a mentor who genuinely cared is something that will always help guide my interactions in a session. Whereas my peers did not provide a safe space for me to openly talk about my thought and feelings, my mentor always did, offering good feedback and advice to help strengthen or question my interpretation of things. This kind of positive mentorship experience is something I will always strive to replicate.

As you can see, my literacy beginnings were equal parts trying and rewarding, dear reader, and while I don’t know what your experience with reading and writing literacy was like, I think you can at least relate to the experience or feeling of being unheard. This feeling would come back up for me in my teens, but I wouldn’t be alone. Instead, I’d find myself among friends that could relate to my struggle and introduce me to how the experiences of the marginalized intersect.

“Certain people have said that the world is like a calm pond, and that anytime a person does even the smallest thing, it is as if a stone has dropped into the pond, spreading circles of ripples further and further out, until the entire world has been changed by one tiny action.”

💭What is a word you learned from a book that you absolutely love?

Mine is Penultimate. A word which here means ‘second to last’. It’s the best word. I don’t know why. But I love it. And this is the book I learned it from!

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Literacy Beginnings

The earliest memories I have regarding my literacy journey are those of my time in elementary school. As a student at Merlinda Elementary School, I remember the campus being lined with posters of its "Mighty Mustang" mascot in full view, meant to inspire school spirit and a sense of unity between the student body. Despite this and the cheery environment advertised around me, I never really felt much unity with any of my peers. It seemed like no matter what I did to try and make friends, I would end up bullied and teased with nicknames I didn't understand. It wasn't long until found myself avoiding the playground altogether, electing instead to stay indoors with my favorite teacher and earliest mentor, Mrs. Zelaya.

She must have realized my situation as a timid and effeminate boy in that position, unable to fit in or make any impressionable connections with others because of differences I couldn't discern then. Designating a comfortable beanbag chair of her small library as the "Adrian chair," she always made sure I was welcome in her classroom - a kind of sanctuary for me at the time. What marks this as my literacy beginning is the way I found my love of reading there, in my Adrian chair, picking through her selection of children's books and young adult novels. In these readings, far away from the discomforts that come with being the class loner and oddball, I found my earliest example of escapism: diving into those fantasy worlds, where characters overcame their personal struggles and grew stronger from adversity, I was able to live vicariously through the actions of my favorite characters.

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In Tarot, the Fool signifies a new adventure, purity of heart, innocence, and naiveté. It also represents the chaos present in a situation before order and understanding can help set things right.

I like to think of my literacy beginnings as emblematic of this energy. This is because my childhood was relatively insular: the bulk of my time before starting school was spent with family, and I wasn't socialized with others outside of my familial bubble. Due to this, my introduction to public school, where I had no prior experience interacting with strangers in a social setting, did not pan out well. I entered elementary school without any pretense - much like the Fool, who makes their move without regard for what lies ahead - but, rather than find the support of new friend, I found myself at odds with the others in my grade. As a fresh faced elementary student in such a position, it might not be surprising to learn that reading & writing became my very first form of escapism.

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Tarot for Change by Jessica Dore

Before we begin, I'd like to quickly introduce you to the concept behind the Tarot and its associated cards, which have become a kind of meditative tool I use whenever I'm in need of clarity. You see, each of the 78 cards in a tarot deck depicts a specific stage of the classic Hero's Journey, wherein the hero of any given narrative undergoes an arduous adventure resulting in revolutionary internal and/or external changes. Historically, these cards have been used for entertainment and for Cartomancy, which is a kind of divinatory practice where one could allegedly predict the future. For these reasons, tarot is often dismissed as a frivolous thing practiced only by wannabe witches and the superstitious.

However, my own interest in tarot and the reason for its inclusion in this narrative is because of Jessica Dore, a professional Psychologist and Tarot Reader. In her practice, Dore blends these two seemingly dissonant concepts in a way that emphasizes the ability of the cards to elicit specific emotions, thoughts, and ideas within a person, affecting some kind of positive change in their lives just as one would see with a hero in a storybook.

In this segment of her audiobook, Tarot for Change, Jessica Dore explains the nature of tarot reading and its potential for personal growth:

In understanding her words, I've come to see tarot as an invaluable tool for coming to grips with those "less palatable aspects" of myself in the past and how these things influence my thoughts and actions today. In terms of my overall literacy journey, the tarot has been a guiding force and aid in self-reflection while recalling the memories below, and I hope that you'll find them just as useful in coming to understand the importance of these past experiences as I do.

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An Introduction

What follows is a short narrative about my experience with literacy as it began, developed, and continues to grow today.

It's a reflective meditation on the way multimodal expression and learning has shaped me as a sober & queer person of color navigating both personal and academic spaces as well as the overlapping places in between.

I write this in hopes of learning more about my literacy acquisition and how it influences my practice as an online Writing Mentor through ASU's Writers' Studio. By reflecting on these experiences, I hope I can share my story with others and inspire the selfsame motivation I found that led me to embracing my own authorial voice.

And by sharing my story with you, dear reader, I hope we can make meaningful connections between both our mutual and dissimilar experiences together, finding some common ground among our dual perspectives.