duchess-lifewithbipolar
Duchess.
Bipolar.
For those of you who want an insight,
and those of you who want to feel heard.
I try my best to keep updating throughout my cycles so you can see the changes.
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you are not broken because you are sad
you are not broken because you are anxious
you are not broken because you hallucinate
you are not broken because you hear things
you are not broken because you can’t focus
you are not broken because you are compulsive
you are not broken because you have tics
you are not broken because you have intrusive thoughts
you are not broken because of your mental illness
you are not broken
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Ran out of antipsychotics, went straight from a depression to manic, picked up my meds, but staying off them for a few days to ride the high and get stuff done in the house.
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the world was severely lacking weird little girl memes so i had to fill the void
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https://open.spotify.com/track/0hDDcANYNTgvQ2gpsBBjaZ?si=2_7w3ytQRbi4oiqNjU-U4A&utm_source=copy-link
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I honestly cant think of anything more desirable than having virtually no control over your life.
Manics with a God complex, impulsivity, not eating enough, too much energy, feeling like the world simply isn't enough for you, like there has to be more out there, landing yourself in debt due to impulsivity, ending up in dangerous situations, again due to impulsivity. Being irritable, like you have electric running through your veins, intrusive thoughts, Actions you cant control, not seeing the wrong in what you're doing, psychosis, verbal diarrhoea, your brain is moving too fast for your mouth, you cant get your words out, speaking 10000 mph, clumsiness, fidgeting while speaking, not sleeping, substance abuse to calm you down, or take you higher. Booking a flight, or train to the middle of nowhere out of impulsivity, walking for hours on end, being "the life of the party" always bringing other peoples spirits up, struggling to stay quiet, feeling like if you're not doing something you'll explode.
Mixed moods where you have rapid cycling between that and depression, but there's so much fire and anger, so much hate, your tongue is pure venom, your moods can switch in minutes.
Depression
A lot of us already know what that is.
Wanting to sleep your life away, hiding from everything, being exhausted before even leaving your bed, everything is too much, you're insignificant in this world, you don't matter to anyone, and when you hit a major low you get deemed as "nuts" sometimes even sectioned (this can happen at absolutely any point when you're bipolar as sometimes you just cant control what you're doing)
Being manic looks fun and games, but when you lose people around you and you hurt people or do stupid things and end up in trouble its not so "fun" , it looks fun while were putting on our little energy fuelled show, but at the end of the day, you can go home and chill, you know what your mood is going to be later, you know when you wake up tomorrow that your mood is very unlikely to be extreme.
We don't get that novelty.
We don't know what our days bring.
Now Ive learned more about it over the past two and a half years since diagnosis I wouldn't change it as its a part of who i am.
But would i wish it upon anybody else? Absolutely not.
Bipolar, bpd and any other mental health issue is not desirable.
What is desirable on the other hand is feeling "sane" not having mental health issues, being able to control your impulses.
There's more to this than the polar sides of the spectrum, it is such a complicated diagnosis , and vastly different in every person.
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Myth: Bipolar Disorder is the rapid, constant shift between all states of mood, and is just a way to refer to a person who is easily irritated or offended, or a moody person.
Fact: Bipolar Disorder, a serious mental illness with no known cure, is the shift between depression, which can range from low level to major and can lead to suicide, and mania, a euphoric state in which the person feels very energetic and can even suffer from psychosis, or a loss of touch with reality. These shifts can be rapid, happening multiple times in a day, or slow, with full blown mania or depression lasting weeks or longer, and there can be periods of stable mood in between. There can also be mixed episodes in which a person is both depressed and manic. Bipolar disorder has a spectrum within itself, from cyclothymia to rapid cycle type I, and just being moody isn’t the same as having bipolar disorder as a diagnosable illness.
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Bring the manic back 😭
Me during a maniac episode:
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This is 🌈 hate free zone 🌈
Reblog if you’re safe for people of any gender, sexual orientation, race, ethnicity, religion, etc
as long as you spread love.
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Struggle.
Due to being manic most of the time and holding on to it desperately, a lot of people spend time around me to lift their spirits, especially those who also have mental health issues.
But i feel people forget i suffer as when i am on a low, theyre surprised and don't understand that i cant be happy and energetic.
"Smile"
I cant.
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Big changes are apparently triggering.
(I've moved house within the past week)
I've found out that I'm in the 2% of people who suffer with "mixed " emotions for weeks, thus causing psychosis.
Most people suffer with these during transition of moods, but apparently my brain subconsciously fights it to stay manic. Which in turn, instead of the mixed mood lasting a day or so while I transition in to depression, it actually lasts weeks and can be perceived similar to bpd, due to the rapid cycle of moods, but following those weeks I 8/10 end up coming back on to a manic.
Thus explaining why I'm manic and mixed a lot more than I am depressed.
When depression hits though, it hits real fucking hard. Which I suppose is why my brain subconsciously fights it, the fear of being depressed somehow keeps me from being depressed?
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