dudungyourlove

[dudungyourlove]

Pagod ako.

Pagod akong mag isip, kumilos, huminga, umiyak, tumawa, humiga, umupo, tumalon.

Today, pagod ako.

[dudungyourlove]

Mahal

Today we are celebrating 7 years of partnership.

In 7 years, we have grown as individuals and as partners. We have mastered each others' buttons, what not to press and when not to press them.

They say, let your partner feel or experience what you want to feel or experience but ours is different. We somehow managed to learn how to tolerate each other, the good and the bad. We have learned to give without taking and take without giving. We have learned that love in a relationship is not 50-50. The other might be more caring and more loving and that is fine. There is no perfect partner -- no perfect relationship.

We have learned that it is a CHOICE. If you already chose your partner, make it work. Learn to accept that you are different but you are as one. Choose your partner EVERYDAY - whether yesterday was happy and today is gloomy.

Ang hirap explain, basta KAMI until the end, no other mindset.

[dudungyourlove]

Dream

Just woke up with a heavy heart.

I am here to document my dream, almost like a nightmare.

Movie Theater. Balcony.

Nanay, Me, Niece and Sis.

While waiting for the movie to start, Nanay whispered, "Bili tayo ng Lechon". "Nagpapabili ang Lolo mo." "Why?", I asked. "Baka malapit nang mamatay".

This is one of my regrets. One week before she left, she wanted me to buy Lechon. I asked her to wait for her birthday instead sa susunod na Linggo. Mapilit. So nagluto nalang ako ng Lechon Belly which i only prepare every New Year. She ate at least two tiny pieces. She smiled and said masakit sa tiyan.

This is maybe the reason why napanaginipan ko 'to. I felt guilty but a the same time i felt love and gratitude because in my dream, she was hugging me while saying "Thank You". She was also holding my hands while watching the movie.

Ge, brekky na.

[dudungyourlove]

Family

Yesterday, late afternoon, i was chatting with my 7 year-old niece, who not so long ago went overseas for vacation. Babalik din sa July.

Fun naman but deep inside parang euthymia, steady lang, like she's here but not. Our convo went on, some voice and video messages.

Until i said, "Uwi kana here, i don't have a family here". Sad heart. Teary eyes.

I realized, one of the reasons why i am feeling lonely recently is this idea of being confined in my bubble ALONE. No other medicine is better than her being with me in this room.

We may have cat fights but we kiss, hug and say "I love you" a lot. I guess, she makes my life less lonelier.

[dudungyourlove]

Aftermath

Took Zz pills one hour before my bed time last night.

Usually, hilo na at antok 30 minutes after but last night was a challenge. It was already 2:30 am but gising parin.

Opened the fridge, decided to take Sangria over Moscato.

Kalahati lang ng wine glass. Netflix, found this KDrama "Hello, My Twenties" and watched one 1-hr episode. It was nice. Slept after.

Woke up lazy to even stand up pero pantog ko naman.

Social media. Brekky.

Call with an ex-workmate for Interior Design Collab for our new house. It was fun.

Took a shower. Lunch. Next Episode.

Sarap pala mag type lang pag alone, it feels like talking to someone.

Ge, bye.

[dudungyourlove]

Hi

I woke up later than usual.

IG, FB; cofee, eggs, bacon; IG, Shopee, Tiktok...

I did not have anything planned for today.

It is one of the Holidays na gusto kong matapos agad. Blank.

I opened Twitter and twitted "Naol may Nanay". Self-pitty. Inggit.

I tried to keep myself busy. I was quiet the whole day.

I was waiting for a #tonitalks episode to be uploaded.

It finally did.

Bae asked if i want to go to his mom's house. I didn't want to go.

Pinipilit nya ako. He even wanted to carry me just so i would go.

I said, "i want to be alone because it is Mother's Day and i don't have a mother!". I tried to smile but the tears fell down. Cried a bucket.

Opened Tumbler, registered and typed these.

I wanted this day to pass quickly para hindi na masakit.

But it is even more painful pala kapag pinigilan mo.

Nay - Happy Mother's Day in heaven! I love you and i miss you a lot.

PS. This is my favorite photo, favorite day and favorite place with you.