dumbbitchfrommars

[dumbbitchfrommars]

My insecurity is the only unattractive thing about me

[dumbbitchfrommars]

Today I attempted at being better and was better but also failed a little at being better

I totally forgot that everyone was out tonight. I could have joined late. But maybe I wasn’t meant to be there anyway. Oh well

I feel terrible for not offering to drive her home. That is not the kind of person I want to be and I won’t be anymore. No I won’t! I am the kind of person who is generous with my time, money and energy and not stingy with it. And that energy will be returned to me threefold. And I don’t have to worry or fear of being used for that generosity - because I don’t keep those sort of people around me anymore.

[dumbbitchfrommars]

this sounds shit. i dont think i can put it any nicer, but i guess thats where the growth and evolution aspect comes in . its only up from here. but its shit. and that makes me sad, disappointed, and just depleted. i worked so hard for this. i practiced so much. and i stressed so much over it for weeks on end. could that be why it sounds bad? is my stress simply channeling through me into the music? god is always doing that to me. the more i care, the more i worry, the more i obsess over something, the more likely i am to fail at it. the more like my worst fears are to come true. and they have.

lets see if i can fix it now.

[dumbbitchfrommars]

He raised his hand by his face, the back of his long fingers showing fingernails - clean, perfectly manicured - like eyes staring into my face. I flinched and turned my head away, waiting for contact, but nothing came.

[dumbbitchfrommars]

Rico Nasty

[dumbbitchfrommars]

Can’t complain about having too much on my plate when my goals was to EAT

[dumbbitchfrommars]

I will not keep numbing myself with substances

I will not keep numbing myself period

I have no choice but to look after myself

[dumbbitchfrommars]

Go after the things you want.

Like the German man that followed you home from Thailand

It’s all for you

[dumbbitchfrommars]

tattoos are bad!

and being open minded is worse apparently !

[dumbbitchfrommars]

Against all odds I persevere and I succeed

[dumbbitchfrommars]

I used to take risks, I used to be more confident, bubbly and myself. I got so much evil eye and judgment for simply existing that I’m tired. I don’t want to try anymore. I’m scared and I’m in a tight and tiny little bottle of what is digestible and consumable for the rest of the world. I’m sick of it. Im heartbroken by it. I feel like if I had just found the right people, the people worthy of me and my big energy, personality - well then I’d have been nurtured into who I should be (who I want to be now). Instead I’m like a scarred shell of a version of who I was and would be. It’s all a mess and a mindfuck and I’m probably wrong and complaining about nothing and my biggest enemy was never anyone else but myself. But it’s how I make sense of it. How I’ve always made sense of it. My real enemy is fear and anxiety. It’s the quiet that I fill with the wrong things.

I still feel like an imposter in my own life. I don’t know if I’m worthy of the friends I have. I feel like Ive just been plopped onto the map in this position where I’m liked and surrounded by all these amazing people but it makes no sense, because I’m not amazing enough for them. I’m not good enough. I’m not cool or worthy. I’m not smart or clever. I’m just here. But I guess that’s enough for them? I want to be the best. The best makeup artist, the best dj, I couldn’t be tbe best marine biologist or scientist so I’ve got to find something to make me redeemable to my parents. So much so that it’s become my main source of motivation. But that’s making me really fucking depressed, and I have no way of even beginning to tell someone because of how much I’ve bottled it all up and never mentioned it. I guess in passing I’ve mentioned my stress about makeup. But if I can’t do this, then I’ve kind of got nothing. Or that’s my perception st least. That’s just my ego talking really, because it would be redirection if I did fail. But I feel really beaten down by life. I spent a long time doing my degree with the hopes of it eventuating into a career, and now I don’t want that anymore. And that’s a huge shock to my system because I was always so adamant I’d make it work when I knew deep down it simply would not. But what if I’m just giving up? Why do I still care so much, if either way I’m doing the arts route at the current moment? I have my entire life to figure it out. And even then I may never figure it out. Ugh. This has all been very reasonable and self aware. Maybe I am growing up.

[dumbbitchfrommars]

we all know i need to be alone to ground. sometimes that means taking a second to be alone - even while in the midst of being in a social environment, with people who expect me to be present. but, what if i could figure out a way to ground myself, to feel myself, to connect with myself, while still being amongst others? is it possible? could i do it? because if i could master that, my life would be so much simpler and easier and much more fun and less shameful and with many many more good memories to replace regrets. a challenge for the rest of this year.

[dumbbitchfrommars]

i was emotionally abandoned and now all i know is abandonment especially when it comes to conflict resolution. there was never a conversation. ever.

i dont feel good enough because everything i ever did was criticised. everything i ever tried was never enough. never perfect. never done the right way.

everything i am is a consequence of the way my parents raised me.

i feel like im not good enough for anyone or anything. im never grateful. im never appreciated or heard and if i am its never enough. its a paradox of unhappiness and im trapped in it.

i feel like i dont fit in with my friends and the people around me, i dont understand why they chose me, why they think im like them, cool or worthy or interesting or special. im just miserable and annoying and mean and harsh and critical and awkward and uncomfortable and antisocial. and i dont like to be around people and im irritable and im always finding an excuse to be alone instead. so why do you want me around anyway? why do you even try for me? what about me makes you think that im worth that effort?

i just dont fit in anywhere or with anyone. im just there. and thats fine, most of the time. but then the other times. its the most painful, sinking realisation that im alone and left out and rejected and unwanted. like i could just disappear and it wouldnt really matter.

its no ones fault but my own. i created this prison for myself. something happened somewhere along the way that taught me im safer on my own, im safer at a distance, that people are flawed and dangerous and insufferable and to be avoided. so i set that system up and im reaping the rewards. and its hearbreaking but also reality. like my own harsh reality i created for myself. anyway. im just sad and lonely and ungrateful and feel unworthy and kinda depressed but also lost and incredibly guilty because i am being selfish and self absorbed and stupid.

at least for once im not angry.

[dumbbitchfrommars]

are you okay?

no, im not okay. i dont think im ever okay

[dumbbitchfrommars]

i hate myself final boss

[dumbbitchfrommars]

my biggest problems are drunk white girls asking me if they can cut in front of my in the line for the toilet when there are many other white girls that they could have asked instead.

but other girls? about talking to someone about the seriousness of them pouring a drink on her intentionally - though she seemed to be fairly forgiving. or that she doesn't use condoms for contraception.

the world outside of me is a weird place.

[dumbbitchfrommars]

my mortal enemy is an incompetent man (all of them)