duniaellis

[duniaellis]

I wish I won the beauty lottery when I was born. People be saying when you're beautiful, 50% of your problems are solved and the rest is easier.

I wish I won the beauty lottery so that I wouldn't defensively rant that value, education, and intelligence are much more important than beauty.

I wish I won the beauty lottery so people would appreciate me more only by looking at my face.

I wish I won the beauty lottery so every time I liked a guy, he would just immediately like me back.

I wish...I won this life.

[duniaellis]

Kalo ngapa-ngapain berat tuh yaudah tinggal nangis aja. Maybe you just need a good cry.

[duniaellis]

My days were flat before I met you.

And now my days are sad because of you.

I don't know which one is better.

[duniaellis]

Me: kita usahakan mencintai dengan brutal itu

Also me: cpk jg y gak dieffortin balik

[duniaellis]

hatiku tuh harus patah berapa kali ya sampe bisa nemuin so called orang yang tepat?

rip my heart

[duniaellis]

i'm having a bad day. i wanted to call you but you didn't reach me out today. imagine how chaotic my mood is

[duniaellis]

something to write home about

it’s sunday. and raining. such a perfect time to overthink something.

i remember i talked to my old friends last week. and that was when i found out that everyone, indeed, fights their own battle. and this is me, once again, struggling with another grief.

i never thought that i would lose both my parents in my 20s. i know it’s not that young, but trust me it’s never too old to lose parents whatever your age is. and i kinda think that there will be no time to heal from grief.

i also think about the intersection that i’m currently facing. my friend asked, “so what you’re gonna do in the near future?” to which i replied, “i don’t know. i freaking don’t know. literally and figuratively”. for someone who used to be very ambitious, it’s totally weird for me to have no plans. i don’t even dream about becoming something. it feels...empty.

another friend asked me if there is any plan when to marry and i also have no idea??? i don’t even have somebody i want to marry with???

ok so i should’ve written something warmer because this title is “something to write home about” which sounds a peaceful moment but yeah, life sucks.

[duniaellis]

PENGEN NONTON RAISA APA BLACKPINK YA TAHUN DEPAN OMGGGGG mana deketan waktunya RIP DP RUMAH!!!!!

[duniaellis]

in need of cat’s support. can someone give me one?????????

[duniaellis]

langit-langit kamar sering menjadi tontonan. entah kenapa kadang seperti sinema yang bisa menayangkan kepingan-kepingan memori. membantu mengingat hal-hal menyenangkan tapi kadang pula menghadirkan kembali luka-luka yang ingin kutanggalkan.

kadang jalanan menjadi teman, pendengar ceritaku ketika aku sedang berkendara. pendengar tersabar karena membiarkanku bercerita apapun. pendengar yang cukup aku sukai.

kupikir menjadi orang dewasa akan membuatku lebih kuat. tapi malah semakin sering aku meratap dan melelehkan air mata. di beberapa waktu, aku menepuk-nepuk dada. barangkali dengan seperti itu sesakku bisa berkurang.

aku tak mau menyembunyikan kesedihan. tapi bertemu dengan teman-teman rasa-rasanya adalah waktu untuk bercanda tawa, untuk melepaskan penat-penat yang selalu bertengger di kepala.

mungkin kamu kurang bersyukur, kataku pada diri sendiri setelah mengingat berkat-berkat-Nya. tapi malah membuatku sadar, rasa syukur datang bukan dari seberapa banyak berkat, melainkan dari perasaan bersyukur itu sendiri, yang entah dari mana.

akhir-akhir ini doaku seperti tak bermakna. seolah hanya menjadi rutinitas semata. tak ada kelegaan dalam sanubari setelahnya.

rasa-rasanya aku ada. tapi jiwaku hampa.

[duniaellis]

sama kaya tahun sebelumnya, idul adha tahun ini berasa biasa aja. gak ada rasa excitement kaya dulu setiap mau hari raya. mungkin karena usia. mungkin juga karena pandemi. atau entah apa. menjelang dzuhur, setelah rebahan dan ngegame dan mainan kucing dan beberes rumah dikit, aku ketiduran. sungguh ketiduran adalah niqmat tiada tara. bangun2 adikku menyuruhku mengambil daging di rumah pak RT yang sebelum pandemi biasanya pembagian daging dilakukan di masjid. lucunya, rumah pak RT lebih jauh dari masjid. ya gak lucu juga sih tapi lucu aja harusnya dibagikan di RT tu lebih deket malah lebih jauh. salah rumahku sih hmm. yaudah lalu aku mengambil daging di rumah pak RT yang mana pak RT-nya adalah keluarga besarku juga. karena rumah pak RT agak jauh, jadi aku menggunakan motor untuk pergi ke rumahnya. hanya berapa ratus meter sih tapi aku kan manja, jadi aku bawa motor. dalam perjalanan menuju rumah pak RT itu aku baru sadar, ternyata ini beneran idul adha, kenapa? karena aku melewati rumah-rumah tetangga yang sedang membakar sate dengan keluarganya. ah, kok seru. lewat lagi rumah tetangga lain, mereka nyate juga. lewat lagi, sama juga. setelah mengambil daging di rumah pak RT, aku melewati jalan yang sama. melihat tetangga-tetangga yang sama. mungkin rasa excitement itu kini tak ada karena aku rindu kehangatan keluarga.

[duniaellis]

i had a good family until my mom died.

[duniaellis]

I never thought about you. When you suddenly showed up in front of my door, asking me to go around the city. Laughing and having fun.

I never thought about you. When I cried so hard and you said nothing but saying you were there for me.

I never thought about you. When it was raining and I have nobody to call but you were there to pick me up.

I never thought about you. When it was midnight full of sadness but you called me and made things feel easier.

I am thinking about you. When I need a hand to hold on, but you’re no longer around.

[duniaellis]

Life is beautiful. With the lovely family surrounding. It is beautiful. Having supportive friends to get around. It is relieving. To get dreams come true. It is exciting. Finding beautiful souls along journey. Life is beautiful. Sometimes.

Life is miserable. To be lonely all the time. It is darkening. Having nobody to talk to. It is perplexing. Witnessing no sparks in doing daily basis. It is exhausting. To be completely lost.

Life is what it is. A mix feeling of events you go through. An assumption you think you need to sense.

In a world of the only certainty is uncertainty. Let's just embrace all the feelings. Both pleasant and unpleasant. It might be miserably beautiful. Or beautifully miserable.

[duniaellis]

The Untold Story

"Mas, kayanya aku gak akan tinggal di jogja lagi deh."

I remember that day when I started a conversation with him. To which he replied, "Lah nanti yang nemenin aku di sini siapa?"

I'd been knowing him for years but it was never in my mind that I would get closed to him. I never cared about him. And so did he. Until we hit the same event which led us to get closer.

We texted almost everyday and met frequently. Sometimes we had a phone call at midnight or it was just me asking him to help me out to stay awake due to my supervision the next day.

I like throwing jokes and he's that kind of people who often jokes around and makes his surrounding laugh. And we had this internal joke that only us would understand. We often laughed together and called each other "jayus".

We were different in many ways. But at some point, we had the same basic principal which kept us stick to each other. When something didn't go well, sometimes I called him "cowok brengsek" or "cowok bajingan". (Little did I know, it could be considered as name calling to which it's not healthy in a relationship). Then he answered, "Aku tuh salah apa sih, Lis, sama kamu? Kamu kok kaya benci banget sama aku," It sounded like I hate him so much but I swear to God I didn't hate him at all. I don't. And never will.

He totally had no idea how much I lost my appetite when we no longer got along well. I tried to cheer me up by going to the movies but I ended up having no idea what the movie was all about because my mind couldn't just stop thinking how he's doing and questioning how many mistakes I made to make him left without a single word. I guess it all started when he said in a text, "Kamu kan gitu. Pacar gak sopan. Gak bales wasap. Gak ngasih kabar," and I was like, "Hahaha" and sent him a kiss emoticon in a hope that we would make peace afterwards. We did get back. But I guess what he said wasn't just joking.

It was uncomfortable not to talk to him that long so I tried to reach him out. But he never sent me back. I was tired of thinking how bad I was not being able to make him stay. I was so confused and tried to let it be. Two months later, someone told me he's with someone new. As soon as I knew it, I couldn't function well and it felt like knives stabbing in my chest. We practically didn't break up because there's no so-called "kata putus". But then I realized, we might also have never been in a date because I didn't literally say yes when he asked me "Lis, pacaran yuk." Instead, I joked around, "Haha enak aja w pelarian dong." I kept telling myself that we were never that closed despite the fact that we spent more than a year going thru thick and thin together (especially he supported and accompanied me during my thesis and thesis defense).

He's such a whole package. He's funny, kind, clever, wise, caring, hard worker, and good looking lol. He's raised the bar high for me in seeing future bf, I guess? If I could have the chance to tell him the truth, I would thank him for taking care of me and treating me well. And if only I could turn back the time, I would never replace the part of being together with him. I was happy to be supported by him during my hardest time. It was a good time after all.

Now he looks so happy with his wife. I will not bother thinking the what ifs I happened to be with him. I'm totally fine and I've made peace with everything. Last but not least, I learn a lot from this.

*singing adele's someone like you in the background *

**kenapa lirik lagunya bisa accurate gitu:))**

P.S ini terjadi beberapa tahun yg lalu jadi saya sekarang sudah biasa saja menulisnya tidak sampai merasa tersayat-sayat seperti dahulu bye

[duniaellis]

I've been postponing to write my heart out these days. It's been too much in mind that I think I no longer have any idea what to do now.

It's been hard for me. It's been consuming as the situation doesn't seem to get any better. In the first two weeks of quarantine, I felt like boredom didn't come to visit as I love being at home. The next two weeks, I didn't get bored either. But I was starting to feel mixed. It might be insecurity, anxiety, worry, or anything in between. While I was feeling what I felt, I knew something, unintentionally, that made me.........sad and disappointed all at once. I kinda felt like I regretted it. I tried to rewind what I did and looked for anything that I might do wrong. And I was. Yeah. I regret myself for not trying my best. For repeating the mistake I made. Now that I know it's my fault, I'm afraid I would blame myself for not getting what I planned to in the future. I'm scared of me not trusting myself anymore. I worry that I keep making the same mistakes all over again.

[duniaellis]

You didn't hurt me,

You never do,

It's just I expected too much from you

You didn't go,

You never do,

It's just me being too ignorant to you

You weren't cruel, You never are, It's just me letting you in since the beginning