duskoath

[duskoath]

, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you’ve discovered something you didn’t even have a name for. - Richard Siken

[duskoath]

Who are you when no one is looking? Who are you at the darkest hours of the night, at the deepest depths of your soul?

[duskoath]

𝙿𝙾𝚁𝚃𝚁𝙰𝚈𝙰𝙻 𝙽𝙾𝚃𝙴𝚂: 𝙰𝚅𝙴𝙽𝚃𝚄𝚁𝙸𝙽𝙴 !

i wouldn't say there's need for a spoiler warning on this, given it's mostly things that i've previously spewed out and isn't really touching on lore; this is mostly me picking him apart as the awful person he is, but don't read if you're worried regardless i guess? * heavily subject to change. if it feels a little topaz centric that's because i wrote most of this when his conversation with her was all of the information we really had to go on.

aventurine is obviously not a good person, but neither is he without the capacity to be; as black swan said, he's a successful businessman at his core ... and that's something that requires more than just skilful manipulation. that takes an ability to connect and empathise with people, to relate to them and keep them at ease. he can do this. it's complicated by the fact that he's also generally invested in being the best at what he does, and that requires decision making that can appear unfeeling or apathetic towards others.

it's a conscious choice he has made and continues to make that he'll have to be okay with using others, and obviously why he encourages them to treat him similarly. all's fair, and he's only going to be watching his own back if you decide to help him, so it's a good idea that you do the same. it's also a conscious choice not to concern himself too much with the consequences of his work;

had aventurine been assigned to belobog he would not have left without every. single. penny. or equivalent asset that was owed by them. he would have taken advantage of their lack of knowledge on the situation, and if they had resisted, he would have deployed force. he's profit orientated and dominating, he isn't there to help ... and likewise, i'm going to assume that he is only going to fulfil his exact duties in penacony.

with the ipc aside, i would say that his way of interacting with others is less business orientated and more in line with gambling. i'm not going to exhaust the "treats life as a gamble" thing i promise but i do think it's relevant here. he has a good poker face, he is bluffing constantly in conversation, giving you only the information he deems necessary and allowing you to blindly agree to something that will prove not to benefit you nearly as much as he lets on without lying about it. he seems to read people and their 'hand' extremely well ( or at least he does normally. someone like sparkle without an obvious motive to be found is very unsettling )

because his questionable decisions / actions are always a well informed choice, he is ... not too fond on getting close to people he reads as particularly virtuous. major example of this is topaz and her slip up in belobog ── don't get me wrong, he definitely likes her. but he holds her at an arms length and is a general pain in her ass, specifically because her actions shine a light of truth on him; that he can manoeuvre himself professionally in a way that's more ... sensitive of other people. that's not something he wants to accept or think about.

more on topaz? like i already said, aventurine is not devoid of feeling and he does feel sorry for the situation she landed herself in. even if it verges a little more on the side of pitying or i told you so. while he does cover this up with some "lighthearted" teasing his offer for her to join him in penacony is him offering an olive branch of sorts. this is obviously a good opportunity for topaz to demonstrate her competence again and he did plan on giving her a good write up / his word of recommendation in favour of her getting back her previous position ── he would never let her know this. he would never do this for a majority of the people he works with or even knows. but again, he likes her, almost as much as he likes messing with her. it does seem ( ??? ) that she declined this offer in the end, though, which speaks enough of her opinion of him and he doesn't really care because he's made sure that she has no reason to trust him or his conduct.

actually, he doesn't tend to get close to anyone if he can help it. his "friends" are usually people he can he use until he decides they're no longer necessary to him or have sufficiently repaid whatever debt he roped them in with. his ** actual friends** are usually likeminded people he has fun passing time with, and he's smart enough not to place his trust in someone too much like himself. generally nothing he does is without a price, his attempt to help topaz was genuine and still he would have turned it around on her, pulled back the curtain, and demanded a favour in return. those close enough to know him through and through, he would of course treat differently, but i don't believe he has ever chosen to let many people, if anybody at all, get to understand him this intimately yet. he isn't genuine with anybody.

he isn't exactly lonely as a result of this but there is perhaps a slight void to fill. and he does. for all of the money that he earns, aventurine makes sure his methods are worth it by enjoying every minute. he makes ridiculously luxurious purchases; he dresses immaculately; he drinks copiously; he has many casual relationships. where he can, he leads the most extravagant life possible and punctuates it with heavy and frequent overindulgance.

[duskoath]

it's also worth pointing out that regardless of the situation, any visible, physical reactions that aven gives you are most often than not very intentional, filtered, and calculated. he can give very little of his inner thoughts and feelings away if he chooses to keep them guarded, which he usually does, so it's often a good idea to assume that he isn't being genuine (if you're already defensive around him or have some reason to know this anyway, because again he's fairly good at presenting himself in the exact way he wants to be perceived.) when he starts to respond to you more naturally you either have his complete trust or you've successfully provoked him ... neither of which are particularly common occurrences. you can definitely learn to read him if you pay attention but it would take spending a good deal of time with him and really understanding what makes him tick.

[duskoath]

there are a lot of layers of nonsense between aven and just about anyone he interacts with and as i spoke about briefly already there are very few, if any people who he willingly drops all pretences around. so something i like to think about is aventurine on his own — with nobody else around to twist the narrative for. the quiet and calm and the way he sighs in relief to be back in his own room after a stressful day; one of the first signs that he might be beginning to let someone into his life in a more serious way is not that they make him feel giddy or nervous or even just curious to know more about them but ... seeing them is more like walking into an empty room where he doesn't feel the need to perform. and unfortunately realising this is probably where alarm bells start ringing and he subconsciously puts up another wall lmfao

[duskoath]

i may be emotionally unstable but at least i get your dick hard

[duskoath]

#𝐃𝐔𝐒𝐊𝐎𝐀𝐓𝐇 ... a musing / aesthetic / inspiration sideblog for @ilstar @stagehunt and @kridprinze as written by 𝐕𝐎𝐒, 𝟐3, 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐘/𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐌 follow + reblog friendly.

[duskoath]

love a character that's like. i survived (<- not a brag) (<- this is a curse that weighs on me every waking hour)

[duskoath]

THE BEAR 1.05 Sheridan

[duskoath]

"I wouldn't want to bother anyone," I say as the thing inside of me eats me alive.

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A trope that gets to me: 'guard dog' character and their partner who are both fully aware of it and honestly don't care/kind of like it. Someone says "call your guard dog off" and their partner does call them off. That person, their 'guard dog', is someone who is unreservedly, irrefutably loyal to them. Someone undoubtedly dangerous who is willing to kill, to maim, to obey, simply because of their love for one another. There's no manipulation involved— it is loyalty, brutal, dogged loyalty. And it goes both ways.

[duskoath]

Will you try to love him?

Him and his tattered heart and death in his rib cage; with a name like poison. War is in his tongue. His entire body is made of collapsed stars.

Will you try to love him?

Even if it’s a thin line he walks, with a face half in the light and half in the dark. Him, with scars in his heart and holes in his back; cracks in place of skin. He is a thing of destruction.

Will you try to love him?

Him, with his nightmares during the day and demons in the dark. Atlas’s burden rests on his shoulders. He craves for light, grasping for rays in his miles of night.

Will you try to love him?

Him and his reckless love and secret pain. His is a silent grief for the sky, for the earth, for the heavens. The universe is confined in his flesh.

Will you try to love him?

Even if he clings to foolish hope and leaves prayers in your mouth. Him, with chaos for eyes and blood in his lungs. He remembers how to fall. He remembers how to burn.

Will you try to love him, the angel that fell from Heaven and then rose from Hell?

L.H.Z // Will you try to love him

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"you don't have to perform around me" sweetheart i have to perform in front of myself

[duskoath]

he’s also super in love but can’t talk about it because he’s bad at having feelings

[duskoath]

unfortunately getting called “pretty boy” does make your brain burst into flames. especially if it is followed or preceded by a little kiss

[duskoath]

Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals

[duskoath]

girlboss? no. boyloser. guyfailure. dudenobody