dusksrepose

[dusksrepose]

-X

I hope this finds you well. For nearly a year, the only image of you've I've been able to see, is that confused and scared woman you were, there at the end. "The End". I don't really know what else to call it. I didn't know then, in that moment, that that was the end. And that haunts me. I find myself subconsciously refusing sleep. I ignore the clock, my body; I just find reasons to stay up . Eventually I do have to go to bed. I don't know if it's God, My Dad, You, or a rhetorical assault on myself, but I find myself asking for the peace of one night's sleep. Short of the memories that haunt me. The dreams that trap me. The life I couldn't make and the hell I've found myself in. A respite, is all I need.

Every waking day is the same. Only in the fact I am still myself. Nothing has changed. While the world spins on around me, life continues. I know who I am. I'm not perfect, rather the opposite. But.. I know who I am. I love, wholly. Without prejudice. Without thought. I'm all in, and I never waiver. That's what love inspires me to do.

The first day I laid eyes on you, it sparked an ember in me. Over the next 3 years that ember turned into an inferno. A warm, gentle burning in my soul that warmed me to my core. You were my hearth on a frigid night. I had never known love like that. And without pity, or patronage, I freely admit I will never will again.

The rest of our committed life, wearily dragged on. I know who I am. And you could bring out even more in me, the best. But whether the fire grew too hot and we had to step away, or maybe that hearth was no longer warm enough to be near.. I just hope you know, I've always loved you. I always will.

I'm not about to say these next words to accuse, or assign blame. I carry the blame. I know you loved me. I saw it. I felt it. It was the one of the most defining moments of my life. I wasn't perfect. But you loved me for who I was. I'm thankful you saw those things in me, and I'm so grateful to have had you by my side, creating a life together.

I so bad want to say I wish I knew why the things happened the way they did. And I scream at the top of my lungs so my ears ring and can't help uncover the onslaught of thoughts that come up in that moment. But they do. Every time. Every day.

I honestly don't know what led you to the decions and actions that became 2019 and on. I have no doubts that I played some roll. That, I carry guilt. And shame.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I never wanted you to settle. I never meant to let you down. I always loved you, and I tried to show you, from the first day to the last.

I loved you so much that I ignored myself. I stopped taking care of myself. I couldn't.. tell you. I didn't want to be weak. I lost my way. I couldn't bring myself to be the guy not there for you. A failure to communicate the feelings I had. The doubt. The pressure in my chest. The fact I couldn't be the man you wanted. But I'm not... naive. I understand it's hard to hurt someone close to you. I know it's not malicious. You made choices. The only thing I truly regret was not fighting harder for you. I thought I was fighting, when I was really just trying to put all the blame on you. That's not right, or fair.

It's quickly coming to be a year since you left. God.. in my mind that sometimes feels like a week ago, or ten years ago.

The fact is, I'm finally getting around to packing up your clothes, that are still hanging up in the closet. I find myself occasionally picking up one of your blank canvas', or looking at the few hung up you painted. I've been staring at the Tom Clancy book you used to press a variety of the native flowers here. I haven't been able to open it. I'm constantly reminded of you here. I've left the 3 pieces of clothing in the hamper since the day you left. I thought, no- I hoped, that you would call me. We know that didn't happen.

Please don't ruin your relationship with your father because he answered my calls a few times. He's one hell of a dad. I will always be grateful for meeting him. He accepted me from day one, and it was good to have a man like that open to.

I know why. Why you won't talk to me anymore. I know why you divorced me. I don't blame you. I never will.

At this point, the only thing I can want out of this situation, is knowing you're taking care of yourself. You're doing what's best for you. And that you're taking good care of yourself.

I'm bias. I love you. But I've spent the last few years trying to understand you, to save us. Or more politically correct, To realize what's best for you will not involve me. That's on me.

I'm sorry A, I truly am.

I carry these things with me, every day. And I will for a very long time.

I wish you the best. And I wish for nothing less.

-o