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I’m very glad I can type all my thoughts out on here so no one has to hear me talk about it. No one wants to hear this shit. They all would think I’m psycho. Sometimes I think something is wrong with me. All ik is this helps a lot. One day I’ll write on here about how all this shit was part of my path that was chosen for me and it all ended up being perfect. Any second of any day could me my last so I’m trying to remember that and say whatever. Maybe I need to be gone and those people that hurt me will be hurt and have to live with that pain forever. Pretty sad I think like that but I hope all the bad is for the good in the end.
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Im sorry to all those who truly love me because I don’t love myself and it shows. I’m sorry I push y’all away. I’m a broken person. And no one gives a shit about a broken man.
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(Continued) pt3. Here I am sitting at work listening to heart break sad shit from koe wetzel Bailey Zimmerman and a few others thinking again. Also follow a heart break page on ig that gives me hope and also scares me because sometimes they said shit that makes me think we won’t work out or get another chance. What makes this shit so crazy is I met your mom dad and one of your sisters. The all knew about me because you told them everything. You even told me how I should propose if that day comes down the road. Wtf do you think? Of course I’m gonna be fucked up about this for a while. But anyway that’s besides the point now. This Friday I’ll be heading north for my last race of the year and you won’t be there. You missed one and it’s the only race I went 1-1. It killed me that you couldn’t be there. Lots of early mornings and late nights driving to the tracks. Even stayed over night in a tent. Like damn you definitely loved me and supported me. Idk anyone that would have done that. Idk how I’ll do Saturday but I hope I just stay safe and ride good enough to have fun. Accomplishing goals in life or just little things like winning a race are pointless because I have no one to share them with that loves me. You were it. I’ll never forget all those days with you at the track. Our “first” date was you coming to watch me practice. Literally turned you in instantly watching me ride. I never rode that well in a very long time. I guess having someone to show off too is all I needed lol I know deep down you want to tell me you love me before I go race this weekend but you won’t. You’ll pray till you fall asleep that I’m safe and do great. You’ll probably text me and say good luck you’re going to do amazing. I’ll miss those good luck be safe kisses behind the gate. I’ll miss intimidating all the other guys with you standing there as my “mechanic”. I’ll never forget you going barefoot standing in the rain and mud just to support me. Never in a million years did I think I could find me a beautiful girl that would even consider coming with me let alone go that far. Hard for me to want to race because the track is filled with family’s. We’d all babies all the time and cheer on the little guys and girls out on the track dreaming one day we’d have one out on the track. I don’t think I’ll ever be ever to replace you or our memories and talks. I feel bad for the next girl that has to try and fit your shoes. I don’t even want to try but I have too eventually. Yeah there’s a lot of beautiful women out there but there’s not another even close to you. Your beautiful one of a kind green eyes I’d stare into and dream and pray you’d never look away. All those nights we would dream and talk about the future we want haunt me as I try to sleep at night. I’m having crazy dreams that keep me awake. I’m numb to everything rn. I ride a street bike like it’s my last day. I drive without a seat belt or a care in the world what could ever happen. It’s evil to think negative about life rn but I just continue to pray to God everyday and thank him. I pray for you everyday that you get better and that I’m so happy I had you. Regardless of what happens to me just know I’ll only love you and I’ll always be your “skater boy”. I’ll never love someone like I did you. I’ll continue to tell myself you’ll come back and pray you do. You made me laugh you made me love myself you made feel like I wasn’t a pos. I never thought I was good enough for anyone. In the end you’ll probably settle for alcoholic ass that doesn’t do shit and I’ll settle for someone I don’t love just cause she loves me. It seems to only work like that in real like because the movies made our love look real. I’ll probably write a kids book about heart break but only adults will truly know the meaning. I’ll update and post pt 4 sometime soon when I find out what’s new.
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IF I COULD GIVE YOU
ONE THING IN LIFE, I
WOULD GIVE YOU THE
ABILITY TO SEE
YOURSELF THROUGH
MY EYES, ONLY THEN
WOULD YOU REALIZE
HOW SPECIAL YOU
ARE TO ME AND THAT
YOU'RE THE BEST
THING THAT EVER
HAPPENED TO ME
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(Continued) pt2. We went to dinner after and had a great time! It took all the stress away to get to ride and hangout with some great people. With that being said they asked where she was and she probably would have came but she was sick from her Covid shot. So clearly she hasn’t told them. But with that being said I think she still wants me around because she wanted to watch me race last weekend (rained out) (family would have been there) and ride last night. She’s a little flirty but sometimes very vague. I can’t read her but I feel like she’s just being nice and letting me down easy. Maybe it’s for her or maybe it’s for me. I don’t think she’s told her friends that she done with me because one said she’s been trying to go out with us. I said we’re busy and left it at that. Maybe she’s not done but is keeping the option there. Probably a hood or bad thing idk. I’ve only told my close friends because I couldn’t keep it inside. They all said something different but they all know I’m waiting for her. Every sad country and rock song remind me of her. Idk what to do because I’m lost. I’m the best when I’m with her. She came out of nowhere. I wasn’t looking and she came into my life. I played hard to get until I let her have it. She says it made me an asshole but I was protecting my heart from the end result. Maybe if I didn’t make her mad that one day at the bonfire then it would have been right and worked perfectly. We didn’t talk for a few weeks and then she walked back into my life. I feel like I fucked up too many times and she didn’t want to deal with my issues. All I ask is that God gives her the strength to give me another chance. Idk if she was lying about everything she said but I do believe it all because what we had was love. But you don’t just give up on that. I just pray she finds that peace in her and wants to love me 100%. Maybe in a month or two I’ll see the full picture. It seems like time is healing her and I but idk. No good mornings no goodnights just feel odd. It’s just a continuous conversation and long replies. I feel like im showing her I’m still here and maybe that’s pushing her away because girls want what they can’t have but I don’t want to just walk away and make it seem like that. I don’t play games. I just would rather be straight up. Maybe I should have said it’s me now or me never but I didn’t because I couldn’t do that to her. Maybe I was just meant to be her friend and she fell in love on accident. Idk I just pray she doesn’t run back to the idiot she left twice before. I just pray I’ll find out what’s going on in the coming months. It’s hard to just not want to call and say I love you. I hope I can continue to be okay for now but I still have times where I just want to hold her and care for her. But I’m reality it’s me who needs to be held and cared for. I hope I wasn’t weak and that’s why she walked away. Not knowing what’s going on is killing me. The thing that keeps me going is knowing there’s still a chance. There might not be but I feel like there is. I don’t even want to talk to her because non of it feels like a real conversation. I don’t hear her voice and can’t see her so I’m just talking to a screen. It’s just not right. I still have stuff in my house from her and I think that’s the last straw of keeping the hope alive. Maybe not for her but for me. Who knows maybe soon I’ll know what’s up. A lot of this is random. All my thoughts I needed out so I didn’t talk to anyone about it. No one wants to her this shit. Even my best friends who I don’t even want to be around.
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Here I am 3 weeks later finally able to eat and drink normally. I can actually focus a work. I can get through the day without wanting to be gone. 3 weeks after the worst day of my life. Never did I imagine losing the LOVE of my life, losing the one person I thought and know I have a future with. She’s never been loved or will be loved like I could and can. She’s broken. I’m past broken. I can’t be fixed unless she fixes me. She cared and loved me through all my flaws. She supported me like no other. She took away all my stress and fears about life. All I care about was and is her. All I care about was and is making a life with her and escaping the past. I would do anything to go back and make it work perfectly like God intended. We were so damn close. We matched perfectly, I wanted everything she did. I still want to marry her. I’d drop on one knee right now and then have a beautiful child with her. What kills me is the fact that she is probably going to forget me and find the next guy. I’m stuck here with no one. She’s got everything. I have nothing. How am I supposed to move on when I won’t let myself because it’s love. I’m sure I can find a beautiful woman but I’m not sure if I can love her the same. I don’t think it will be real because I’ll always think about the one that got away. Did I let her walk away too easy? Did she think I was giving up? I said go and do what you need to do but was she wanting to hear me say no stay and let me help you better yourself and be happy with me? Should I have fought harder? I didn’t want to push her away and maybe I did without knowing. It’s not fair to say that because I never got a real chance to date and have a relationship. If I was her bf I could have got that chance to show her. But there was always another guy. Did she run to him and they are back together? Are they back on bad terms? Did he change or is he the same old fuck? All ik is if it’s meant to be it will happen and I believe she will come back to me. It sure seems like she’s on her own doing her thing but rumors got me thinking. Maybe she’s really trying to build her self so she’s better for me. She said I was too perfect for her. But in reality I am perfect just for her. I need to better myself so when she comes back I am even more perfect. I want to accomplish her goals with her and mine with her. I want to be with her 24/7. Sleeping alone in an empty bed is terrible. I can’t sleep at all. I got use to having the love of my life in my arms cuddling till we passed out watching our show. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to break anyones heart because in the end I want her again. The small talk we have every day sucks. I want the phone calls after work knowing what’s up and those 9-4am phone calls when we talk till we pass out. I want the days spend at the track. The days were we would bake cookies and brownies. The days we would just drive around. The Sunday’s we go get Mexican. All the mornings spend sleeping in and making coffee. All the talks about the future. I want it all back. She gave me 99% but couldn’t give me that last 1% and it breaks my heart that we were so close. But I knew going in that it wasn’t a smooth road to travel. We made love like it was meant to be. She gave me all the confidence in the world. She made me feel good and handsome when I don’t even like myself. She’s all I prayed for. She was head to toe beautiful like I asked God for. She’s the hardest smartest strongest woman ik and always wanted. How does something so perfect just walk away. I’ll never get it. I’m always the one to get used. I’d do it all over again even if it meant I’d get hurt. My friends think I’m crazy but I do love her and if they understood that then they should say the same thing about the person they love. I’m acting like this is my fault but idk if it is or not. I’m told it’s them not me but idk about that anymore. I’ve heard it too much. I haven’t rode in 3 weeks and last night was great. I was with my new friend that I met through her. Riding with him was great and his girl even showed up.
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Why am I never happy? Why don’t I smile?
-because every time I’m happy and loving life something or someone happens to take it all away. So if I’m never happy then I’ll never feel the pain.
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