dutyrisen - Tumblr blog

[dutyrisen]

" what's left on the big list ? last few nights as a bachelor and all ? did ott — zielcke say he'd show up ? " [ @svrgic ]

[dutyrisen]

𝐢 . glass  —  fyfe, iska strings     /     𝐢𝐢 .  sweetheart, what have you done to us —  keaton henson    /     𝐢𝐢𝐢 .   worship   —   amber run    /     𝐢𝐯 .  exile vilify  —   the national    /    𝐯 .   nervous  —  oliver riot  /      𝐯𝐢 .   heaven up there   —   palace    /    𝐯𝐢𝐢 .   dead in the water  —  noel gallagher’s high flying birds  /    𝐯𝐢𝐢𝐢 .  that was a feeling, this is a fact  —  deportees   [ @vanamc ]

𝐢 . this is an instrumental piece that sets the tone for when we first see them reuniting in hshq, specifically at kgosi zulu’s coronation. it is a very poignant, fragile moment. they held it together, but i’m sure many of us ( you know who you are ) ended up shattering.

𝐢𝐢 .  sweetheart, what have you done to us? i turned my back and you turned to dust. what have you done? and oh please just come here, don't fight with me. i think you may have broken me, will you admit? oh oh if all you wanted was songs for you. here goes, after all that you put me through. here's one for you

it is a tragedy isn’t it? vanamo had to wade in grief as a result of a decision elias had made without truly considering her wishes or her opinions. elias turned his back and the wife he thought he knew had turned to dust. the saddest thing is they never really had their moment: the moment two people who love each other have after a long absence, because everything in between was too confusing, too fraught and too heavy. things, nasty truths needed to be said instead, lukas needed to be put first, and however much either one wanted to point fingers, they knew a large chunk of the blame rested on each of their own shoulders.

𝐢𝐢𝐢 .  you've got a hold of me. dug deeper than you'd ever believe. started feeling like it's more a disease. when i close my eyes it's you i see i lived alone before i met you, maybe I'll live alone again. it's torture to love you. it's all I can do but dream of you, it’s torture.

from the first night his mind was able to catch up to what vanamo had done and accept the harsh reality of what that really meant, lying in that hospital bed in the dark, staring at the ceiling, to the nights he lay silently next to her in phuket, facing the other way, she was in every single one of his thoughts in a very insidious way. there is logic and reason telling you it’s not healthy, but with the kind of trauma elias suffered, it is a little difficult to control the way the mind decides to cope. there was a juncture in which his happiest memories had her face in them, and his worst thoughts have her face in them, he opens his eyes, and sees her face again. but despite this he chooses love in the end, because the pain is easier to deal with, than the uncertainty of being without vanamo. they have a life, they have a family, he won’t forget his responsibility.

𝐢𝐯.  exile. it takes your mind again. oh, you meant so much, have you given up? does it feel like a trial? does it trouble your mind the way you trouble mine? does it feel like a trial? now you're thinking too fast. you're like marbles on glass. vilify. don't even try.

remember all those fights with very harsh and valid points that made both of them feel really ugly? me too.

𝐯 . i don't know the right line left to say, hanging on to my mind as it sways. she falls, she falls, she falls away. i don't know if hope might have a place, hanging from a tight line as it frays. she falls, she falls, she falls away. oh, you make me nervous, but I try to make you mine. you don't deserve this. oh, you make me nervous, and I'm fighting with my mind, this might be worthless.

this track is magical to me, because to me, it represents being able to see through the looking glass and view vanamo through elias’ lens. aside from the lyrics, the music makes me think of this really elegant girl soft and quietly beautiful. kind of like a fresh flower, and you’re watching the petals fall away bit by bit, knowing that soon there will be no petals left. as much as elias wants to rage against the injustices of the system the betrayals that went on ( and it is a lot for anyone to take ! ), when he sits down and really considers what he wants, it is his life, his family and to see light at the end of the tunnel. he does notice how composed and dignified vanamo remains, with a quivering lip even when he throws his worst jabs at her, how tense she is, how her beauty is fraying, the new lines on her face, how she has to be on her guard every minute of every day including in her private space. who can put up with all this, and him and not break? he appreciates her value in a different way here, it’s where he feels ashamed of himself, and a little off kilter because he used to know what to say to make her smile, so he started making small gestures instead, like bringing her a rose to apologise after an argument, or asking her to dance and promising to try better. 

𝐯𝐢 .  but even to exist in space, to separate us from them, to know that your blood runs thin, still live with the truth within. so scrape up the bruise i wear, and eradicate all my fears — but planning to walk these stairs, i don't know where my future is. is it heaven up there? say I've been blind, for the use of my time. i'm gonna be a better man. the ground that i stand. there's something out there. just know that i've cared do this side by side, motion with the tide. is it heaven up there? cause it’s hell down here.

when you have to come down from your high horse, or your ivory tower and spend some time in the pits, still clinging to your inflated principles, refusing to yield to compromise and being staunch and stubborn and content to live with righteous anger. trying to rebuild is going to be really difficult. they both have to redesign and rebuild their foundation, they’ve both made their mistakes and they both see the other one as being on some ground that is higher than they are and they’re wondering if it feels better up there. this is what rediscovering and relearning the meaning of unity looks like and it’s hard gruelling work, to navigate the new normal with the russians and differentiate the ‘us’ and the ‘them’, and to be able to trust each other.

𝐯𝐢𝐢.  i'm waiting for the calm as the storm is getting under my skin. i'm trying to fix the hole in my head where the rain gets in. it's dripping in my ear, and it don't sound funny, i'm gonna take you out when i get some money, we're trying to get it back to the promised land. so don't walk away love. there's never enough that could make me crash on the broken glass, let the storm rage, i'd die on the waves, but I will not rest while love lies dead in the water. dead in the water

this is probably my favourite one, it’s so sweet ( thanks jude! ). getting over anger is not easy, when the sources of that anger ( russians, vitaliya etc ) are around vanamo so very often. but this is when elias really works on himself, does as zhenya suggested, instead of wallowing in dissatisfaction and despair, so that they can find some normalcy together, somehow. she didn’t give up on him at his worst, so he’ll try to do the same. 

𝐯𝐢𝐢𝐢.  you shouted from your chamber: everyone's in danger, everyone's a stranger. it's louder than bombs, the things that you believe in, that's a role you sleep in, the only one who's speaking some kind of truth. you are getting sicker, walls are getting thicker, light is but a flicker flame in the night. it is getting darker, baby, it's not dark yet, staring at the sunset your hand in mine. that was a feeling, this is a fact. i tried to be humble, but this time I can't. that was a feeling, this is a fact. i'm taking you to school, i'm taking you back. everything is changing you repeat the same thing, everything is changing. it is getting darker, baby, it's not darker staring at the sunset, your hand in mine.

martha picked this one out. it’s a good ending for this playlist, because when they first met and fell in love, everything was easy to love. everything that was less easy to love was just a growing pain. what happened to them after that were extenuating circumstances, extraordinary. regular people don’t go through that, and not many regular people would have survived it. we’ve seen how what was easy to love became hard to love ( but it was still love ). they promised for better or for worse, and this is worse. in sickness and in health and this is definitely sickness. they both wake up everyday and put in the work to still choose each other in the morning and again at the end of the day until it starts feeling effortless and natural again and that belief is so valuable. this song is mostly from vanamo’s perspective and she guides elias through when his ptsd gets too overwhelming. love guys ❤️. thanks for the attention! xo.

[dutyrisen]

prompt: how did you propose 🥺   /  @vanamc

                      they’d been talking about it getting warmer for weeks. 

at first, the weather had been unpredictable. the frost had remained. the water remained frozen, and he’d allowed himself to drown in their routine. he hadn’t even noticed april sneaking up on them. 

now, he is being pulled along, heavy camera bag slung over his jacket, tripod in one hand, her hand clutching the other, threatening some sort of forfeit if he didn’t keep up; one taunt or another about him going soft, being out of shape, through a new hiking route he’d mapped out long ago. the trees are already green, birches. the light dapples through them, and grant sheen to the outline of her hair like a halo. 

it’s perfect, she says eventually when they reach a spot that fulfils some creative formula she must have created in her mind’s eye. she starts talking about the colours, how the natural light hits the landscape perfectly. gold would blend with green and meet the sky. 

he hasn’t said a word yet, but his voice has had plenty of use. 

there is a knowing glint in her eye. she can probably recognise the look on his face by now, from the way he’s watched her this whole time. his quiet is his gracious amusement. she’ll think he is letting her have her fun, before the inevitable light bullying. there won’t be bullying today, he is enjoying the way her face lights up when she talks. he could listen to her talk forever.

like a willing photographer’s assistant, he sets up the tripod, per her instructions, while she takes sophisticated snaps of her own. she won’t know, that when he sets up the camera, he also sets a timer. she won’t know, how perfect this spot really is.

he hopes she will still think it is.

he approaches where she stands for the test shot and slowly pulls her to him. 

his lips make contact with the beauty mark near her upper lip. such a simple little natural feature, that somehow gives another layer to her beauty. a little dot of skin that refuses the consistency of her complexion, insisting on darkening to a rich deep brown, calling attention to her every smirk. a spot to outline a smile, to bring every eye down from hers to catch a glimpse of it. and if you are someone so privileged as him, you’d see it from this vantage point, close enough to feel the very slight ridge it makes.

he’d expected nerves, but there is not a single ounce of doubt in him.

“ hey, ”  he says finally, the right side of his mouth pulling further to the side.  “ i brought the last of the champagne truffles... in my jacket. take them out for me ? ”  he holds up his bare hands, and makes a show of stiff frozen joints. the gloves had come off for the camera,

her eyes meet his when her fingers close around the square box, close to the warm core of his chest where he is sure she can also feel his heartbeat. cold hands close gently around her wrist, which he uses as an anchor, for when he lowers to his knee after she opens the box. “ i’ll follow you anywhere... except to my mother’s reading club. and you’re usually right, my home won’t look nice without you, you have better taste, even when i make fun of your choices in towel patterns. when you’re around, i demand more from myself in a way i didn’t think i would, for my people, for my family and myself. ”  he had, tried to memorise a mental script, he’d rehearsed it for someday, on and off over the years. none of this had featured in the scenario he’d auditioned in his mind.  “  i thought i’d have some romantic film line planned for this moment, but... stay with me. we’ll work out what we want. together. i love you. please marry me ? ” 

[dutyrisen]

@fannicroy can i be excused from that question so i can type a proper essay because i know but the facts need to be right. i’ll make sure it’s worth it for your eyes

[dutyrisen]

elias. or tekla.

[dutyrisen]

 ziclovs​:

❛   i spend a lot of time on meta-analysis… in more abstract ways… it is quite useful.  ❜  what he does and what elias says are two different things. philosophy is interesting, but he struggles with it on occasion. understanding how to interpret the social leaves gives more substance to practical concepts, they are always the variable in politics, they are what make perfectly straightforward numbers and results off hypotheses completely volatile. 

kaspar stares back at elias for a moment. is this really mere concern ?    ❛   you witnessed it.  ❜  it is meant to be a question, but it sounds warier than he intends.

“ meta-analysis... ” that’s a big term. is the german pulling his leg with a straight face? “ i need more useful in my life, i should look into that. any idea where i should start? is this particular expertise? ” 

“ yeah. my wife and i walked into the room right when the ukrainian was down on one knee, i didn’t know who she was at first it was... i have never seen someone look so ashen before. ” besides maybe, himself. the first time he’d looked in the mirror after coming out of the coma. “ then tall guy swoops in and, ”  the punching swish is self-explanatory. “ she whisked her husband away quickly, i guess they had it covered on their end so i ended up getting the ukrainian some ice... couldn’t just leave him there, bleeding and screaming.”

[dutyrisen]

krstoffcrs​:

                        “    ah, this is much more like it.    ”    his grin comes easy as he watches elias take a seat, glad to see that there’s at least some normality back in his life.    “    you look well.    i take it things are on the right track  ?    ”

everything in moderation of course, he holds up two fingers and beckons a server.  “  i don’t know if i’d say right track,  more like i’ve finally learned how the train works, the track is a different beast.  you’re in and out.  trouble at home or are you avoiding propositions?  ”

[dutyrisen]

ziclovs​:

❛   of course, it is very important for development.  ❜   it’s how to get the most out of the people working. give them time to expand the mind outside of work, pursue self-upgrades in whatever ways they wish. ideas would generate and flourish that way.  ❛   oh i… exercise. i eat… i talk to people. either in the program or through a screen, my friends from home are… persistent people. i read. sometimes i will watch a documentary or a film, but films are for weekends.  ❜  maybe if this sounds perfunctory enough, the duke will let it go. 

the change in subject though, is worse. for a moment there, elias had actually succeeded in getting kaspar to loosen up, after swearing there was no other motive. but this is it isn’t it ? everything and everyone has an agenda. it is quite rude, to dress up what ought to have been slotted into a meeting in something casual and friendly like this. he can feel himself receding quickly, and his expression grows slightly more solemn.  ❛   yes i do ?   ❜

“ sounds like you spend a lot of time thinking about thinking.”  no wonder zazen interests the german so much. “ i’m onto you otto zielcke. ”  and he cherishes his friendships. it must be why he’d rather stay in, it is preferable when he’d be comparing the company to other people. 

elias doesn’t understand, what he’s said to make the atmosphere grow heavier as quickly as it has. had the man also had a terrible experience at that party? it can’t be. “ is she alright? i saw her in the casino. when the ukrainian did what he did. she looked shaken.”

[dutyrisen]

ziclovs​:

❛   you knew i was expecting it.  ❜   of course. he has underestimated the finn.  ❛   it makes sense for you. after your problems. anchors are important.  ❜   he had always believed stress to be an important asset, but kaspar had never been a particularly impulsive individual to begin with. zazen is different. it is more complex than basic meditation. his intrigue is answered by the monks the moment it strikes him, it is a marvel.  ❛   no i haven’t done much sight-seeing. i am a bit of a homebody, outside of germany.  ❜   he isn’t comfortable around very many people, and he does not like to pry with his team. so it doesn’t occur to him to suggest these things.  ❛   churches are about art, these temples… are so much more about nature… the soul. really interesting.  ❜

“ but you have free time, right? i mean, what do you do, outside of work if you haven’t seen the city? netflix? ”  the program has been situated in tokyo for several months now hasn’t it? 

elias looks at their surroundings again. “ i hadn’t thought of it like that... i think you’re right. even the apartments. i can relate to the minimalist style, they really like their wood aesthetic, it’s similar to ours. hey, i’ve been meaning to ask. wittelsbach. you work closely with her don’t you? ”

[dutyrisen]

ziclovs​:

❛   i really thought you were going to ask me to a bar next.❜   he has to give it to the man. the sincerity and persistence is winning him over.   ❛   i didn’t think we’d end up observing.. priests.❜    /.  @dutyrisen​

“ that’s not off the table. ”  he grins to his side at the man. through this whole thing, the grand duke had been keen, game and curious. not a single complaint, not a single moment in which elias had felt any wave of concealed judgement. it’s impressive! “ i want to be an open book, and this stuff is... calming. grounding even. don’t you think? it was never important to me before, but it is now. have you done the temples already? ”

[dutyrisen]

vanamc​:

“ the russians ? ” her eyes moved around the room. she hadn’t spared the romanovs a thought. “ maybe they aren’t attending the breakfast brunch. it’s probably beneath them. ” her voice was clipped. “ we should see if the crazy one survived the night. did he seem alright to you when you left him ? ”

“ probably. ”  he is at this brunch because like most humans, he actually needs to eat. if vanamo tells him tomorrow the romanovs now observe a purely breatharian regime, he might believe her. “ he’s fine, he was being dramatic, his relative took him off my hands. he thought my name was elmo. he said he heard it from his sister. why are the ukrainians even discussing me, is there something else i don’t know? ”

[dutyrisen]

like macbeth’s banquo 😂😂😂   oh kaspar

[dutyrisen]

vanamc​:

the breeze of whispers, giggles, gasps and screams that washed over the restaurant at nine am made vanamo look around and frown. everyone was speaking quickly — from excitement or anger. “ why am i confused ? again ? ” [ ;; @dutyrisen​ ]

it is early, he is somehow more tired than he’d expected himself to be even though he has been awake, for the past two hours. “ you know what maybe that’s a good thing. you cannot pay me enough money to look through that gallery. it’s probably... pandora’s box. i’ll bet that punch was only the tip of the iceberg. none of the russians are here though. did they leave? did you know? ”

[dutyrisen]

pctro​:

Levente was mildly irritated. It was one thing to embarrass the whole family, and another to get in the way of ending his two-year-long dry spell. His knuckles knocked against Petro’s hair, flattening his messed up hair. He pushed a glass of cold water into his hand. “This sort of boasting means you have been drinking the wrong liquid.” He looked at the man. Whoever he was. “Thanks. Not many people choose this idiot’s side over Wittelsbach’s.” Being on good terms with the latter was actually useful. ( @pctro​ )

He puts the ice on the bridge of his nose as he’s told, eyes still studying the other man. He wasn’t his type at all, the tall blonde straight back of a man who had never taken a step out of line. He had no idea why Inna had gotten him and Aleks of all people confused. “My sister is bad at names. Thanks.” The cold made him scrunch his nose in discomfort, which in itself made him hiss. It would be bruised for a while. Levi’s appearance was a surprise, his family often left him to fend for himself when he was being a disappointment. He draped himself over his cousin back either way always enjoying an opportunity to losen up the elder Croy. “I was was leaving and apologising when i was violently attacked Levi. Where’s your emotional support?” @dutyrisen​

“ yeah no problem, but uh... i’m not really choosing sides. i couldn’t stand there and just watch. ”  the look on the woman’s face — he might not know exactly what she might have been thinking, but it is an expression he’d recognised. and why had this man’s sister even been talking about him? wrong name or otherwise? these people and their useless gossip, it hits a new low every time he thinks it cannot get worse. “ if anyone had grabbed my wife and made her look the way that woman looked, i don’t think i would have stood there and laughed either. ” he might not have swung that quickly, but expecting someone to nod at something that was pre-meditated and shouldn’t have been done in the first place, is a bit ridiculous.  [ @lcvcntc​ ]

[dutyrisen]

pctro​:

He shook his head to dismiss his words “I’m Ukrainian my blood is 5% alcohol at any time” Zombie duke he was sure of it. Where was he from. And what was his fucking name. It’s like Inna’s voice was all that was in his brain. Like he has working through molasses as Inna asked him about Elmo. “Finland right. Russia’s other punching bag.” He nodded a little content with his deduction skills. “You’re name’s not really Elmo is it?”

narrowed eyes watch the man closely. had one punch also miraculously given him a concussion?  how does that answer anything he’s asked? the man continues to speak, and now he is regretting his decision. he should have just listened to vanamo. “ i’m just a bystander that’s trying to help, none of these details are important. and no, i don’t know why you think my name’s elmo.” who the hell is elmo?  a hand beckons the server to hurry, fetching the small silver bucket. “ here, you just... hold this,” he stashes a few ice cubes and rolls them into a makeshift pouch, “ onto wherever you’re bleeding. relax for awhile. you’ll be fine in half hour give or take. ”

[dutyrisen]

pctro​:

He was almost glad when the woman and his attacker went away. The pain on his face was going down but it’s appearance had sobered him up a bit. It was dawning on him that poking the bear had been the wrong choice. He maintained the annoyance at being hit, the anger that came from something taken to far by a third party. He was still o the floor but anything to make sure the hostile barbarian didn’t mistake him to be following them. What was the woman’s name again? He almost wanted to find the youg punk and get some answers for this. 

He put his hand up when a voice spoke, forearm hopefully covering his face and head from any other violent wannabe pugilist. The words are not threatening however and he lowers his arm to look up at the men. His bleeding as mostly stoped by then. He doesn’t even think he’s nose is really broken. “Oh. Thanks.” He might be sounding like he’s slow, like something is terribly wrong with him mentally, but he’s searching the others face for a name to connect.

how drunk is this guy?  his voice sounds heavy, like he’s swallowed a tennis ball. maybe vanamo’s cocaine theory hadn’t been that far off after all. at least now, he won’t be snorting anytime soon. elias offers his hand to help the man up. it’s his face that’s been damaged, hopefully, not his motor skills.  “ you wanna walk it off or do you want to sit? ”  he motions a server over, and murmurs softly for a small ice bucket and a few napkins. he looks around the room at large, hadn’t seen where the other pair had gotten off to, the woman had looked fairly distressed. hopefully she is also okay.

[dutyrisen]

pctro​:​

He blinks a couple of times, hopes that will make the sounds stick together form words and give them meaning. Has the blood stopped? Is his nose broken? That’s going to be unpleasant. “I think you might have given me a concussion. I think he might have given me a concussion.” He repeats to the woman, before sitting down on the floor. “Is he speaking english? Can he speak english? - I would really appreciate it if someone called a doctor” The last words he speaks to the crowd around them. It’s a scene now. Had they gathered before or after he was punched? “or a tissue.” he continues mumbling on. “Alcohol is a blood thiner. Losing a shit ton of blood over here. That’s at the very least manslaughter, I’m just saying.” @wicbkc​

after a manslaughter accusation, it’s almost embarrassing, pathetic really, that within the several minutes it had taken for him to talk to vanamo, someone had still not come to help. 

“ your highness? can i help you up? you uh, ”  you’ll live. he isn’t bleeding that badly. “ here.”  he offers the ornamental pocket square, it’s something he’s not going to be wanting back. “ lean forward, let’s get you to a proper seat first. and then i’ll find you some ice.”