dyhceap-blog

[dyhceap-blog]

Amor Próprio

Being insecure about yourself is normal. I don't think there's one person in the world who doesn't have at least one thing they feel they need to work on or wish they could change. Insecurity isn't a bad word unless you make it that way. Unless you allow that word to describe your persona. You can't let it consume you. It's easy to dwell over what you don't like about yourself. It's easy to blame yourself for things you wish you could change. BUT STOP. Transform your insecurities to opportunities of growth. Don't always look at the glass half empty, bc shit sometimes it's just half full. Making yourself feel down about yourself will allow others to have the power to put you down as well. It gives others the ability to own you. You begin to depend on them more than yourself. It breaks, ruins, destroys the relationships and friendships you may have with people. It's hard to love someone who doesn't love themselves. I mean it when I say self love is so important & you don't have to be me posting a million selfies but simply look at yourself in the mirror and appreciate the person you are. Bc you truly are a great human being, unique. With your own thoughts and ideas, your own values and persona. NO ONE can take that away. Why want to be like someone else, when you already are better. It's not easy, for me it took to be broken down by someone to realize it but I do believe it's something everyone gets to learn. The fun part about it, is that it's a never ending experience bc we as humans are constantly changing & evolving. Do what makes you happy. Try new things that you feel would be cool, and if it fails it was a lesson learned. It's good to find outlets where you can express yourself. You need to stop putting so much energy on things that don't need it & put more energy into yourself. So what if the guy/ girl you thought was meant to be with you isn't? They clearly aren't ready with themselves to be a perfect fit to the other missing piece to your puzzle. It's ok to hurt, to cry, and to feel depressed from time to time, but use that!!! Make that pain your bitch. Use it to grow as an individual. Be glad of where you're been, and excited of where you're going. It's a lot simpler to always take the easy way out of things but challenge is good. Nothing about loosing what's familiar is easy, but uncomfortable places / things can be good. Carry yourself with confidence, because others will easily perceive that and automatically be attracted to you. Others like someone who knows what they want, what they like and don't, and works for it. "self love isn't a destination, it's a journey that's never ending, never stop searching for ways to love yourself better" -Reyna Biddy. (My fav poet)

[dyhceap-blog]

Black Hole

Like all freshman, I was excited to be in high school. All the new people and boys. But from day one, only one guy stood out to me. He was a junior with brown hair, pale skin and deep brown eyes that had a way to suck you into them. His smile was mesmerizing, I found myself starring at him awkwardly from afar so he wouldn't notice. After being super obsessed with him for weeks even months, he finally spoke to me. We walked around campus as he asked me stupid questions about what I liked and what I thought of high school. I remember feeling so shy I couldn't make eye contact, I was shaking of excitement but at the same time I was so afraid to say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing. But that time together turned into a first date which was at my first bell game ever, he was wearing one of his famous bow ties he'd always wear and as I walked towards him that afternoon he greeted me with a huge smile I knew right there and then I was completely falling for him. We kept going out, weeks turned to months and months to years. Three to be exact, it was the biggest roller coaster I have ever rode. With him I was never down, he had a way of filling me with life, making me smile and he knew what I was thinking even before I even knew. But I wasn't realizing that in the process of loving him I was loosing myself. Insecurity was my middle name, I was never happy with myself, always wanted to do more, be more for him. I always had a feeling as if something was missing for him. A void that no matter how hard I tried I couldn't fill. We had many set backs in our relationship but like any relationship it wasn't always one sided. I understood the fact that for him it was difficult to open up and love someone to the fullest due to his childhood. He never really had people there for him, so I always felt the need to not only be his girlfriend but his best friend, mother, sister, homie, everything. I wanted to wrap him around in my arms and never allow anything bad to hurt him or affect him because his mood affected me, it was like a reflection in a mirror, I had become one with him. I did everything and anything to please him. But somehow he always found a reason to leave. I always forgave him when he continued to walk away from me and I just sit back as I watch him leave with other females. But he's awkward come back. I never questioned the fact that we belonged together. To me he was everything, I saw my future with him. And I felt that if I wasn't with him NO ONE ELSE WOULD WANT ME. It wasn't until a few days after our three year anniversary when I found out from him that he had cheated. Now when I say that I never wish that pain on anyone I mean it. I felt my heart drop to my knees. I somehow felt as if all those things I was so insecure about were being worn on my sleeves for the whole world to see while I had "idiot" written across my face. The pain I felt made me go through five different stages of acceptance. 1. Denial: "no he couldn't have, how would he? I love him so much he'd NEVER hurt me. After everything I've forgiven him for." 2. Blaming myself: "It's my fault, I pushed him to that point for not trusting him. I caused this bc I couldn't always spend time with him. I mean she is a lot prettier. Maybe she makes him more happy." 3. Anger: "How dare he? After fighting for this relationship to work for sooo long he does this? All I wanted was for him to be successful. He's so pathetic. I HATE HIM!" 4. Acceptance: "What's done is done. I gotta leave him because I'll never trust him again. No trust will only make things worse, we'll both make ourselves miserable. Maybe one day we might find our way back. I mean they do say 'when it's meant to be it will be' right? We both just need to grow apart....maybe to come back together again?" 5. Forgiveness: Now this wasn't so much me forgiving him but more for myself. I forgave him yes not because I felt he deserved it but because I loved him. I forgave because I wanted to move on. I forgave because dwelling over it was consuming me inside. Making me feel dead. After forgiving him & both of us going our separate ways I didn't shed a tear. I made a promise to myself I wouldn't cry, I would use that pain to do better. I hid it all, kept it to myself, I was never posting hate on his name. Never speaking bad of him. To this day I don't. And it worked. I learned to appreciate everything I am and believe in. I found this feminist self in me I didn't know I had. I found that I actually do love wearing makeup and getting dolled up. That I actually do enjoy going out and being with friends. I put all my time and energy into school that senior year and ended up getting accepted to almost all the schools I applied for. I felt alive again. It was honestly such a relief to realize that I could in fact live without him. Don't get me wrong I wish him NO HARM. I want absolutely nothing but the best for him in spite of everything he did when I was in a relationship with him and out of it. I will always have love for him, but I am no longer in love with him. I have realized that what I felt for him wasn't the good kind of love it was honestly unhealthy for me. I did have good moments with him. And no matter what he will always be the first person I ever gave my all to. I learned so much from him and for that I'm forever grateful. He will always be my first love. But also my first heartbreak. But now I realize that I didn't need him to feel happy. Because I make MYSELF happy. I have finally found a light in the black hole I was being so viciously sucked into.