dyingbylife-blog

[dyingbylife-blog]

I often imagine how people would react to my death.

(via suicidalnixi)

[dyingbylife-blog]

Back to 0 again...

[dyingbylife-blog]

i don’t like scars, but i’m good with a knife // 11/6/17

[dyingbylife-blog]

I can’t starve myself right. I can’t even kill myself right, why can’t I just go deeper next time? Down not across right hun?

More scars. More stories.

[dyingbylife-blog]

2 years ago on this day I got sent to a psychiatric hospital for trying to commit suicide. Today I hope it's the last day I'm alive as I make yet another attempt to die. No one will even notice that I'm gone. They'll notice somethings changed and they'll feel better within themselves. But they won't care that I no longer exist. They don't care that my entire arm is covered in cuts. They don't care about the way I feel. They only notice I even exist when they need something. Why would that change in death. People find out about my history and call me a survivor. The bravest person they know. It sure doesn't feel like that. I died a long time ago, just internally. Nothing to cure that though, right? Only death. I guess this is my note, can't really leave this to anyone. It didn't start off as that though. People normally leave their story, their reasons right? Well, I've been suicidal since the age of 6. Until this year, aged 20 I thought that was normal. Social anxiety from 5, depression from 8. That was the year I started trying to kill myself too. See I'm that much of a failure I can't even get that right. Anyway carrying on, started self harming at 11, severe generalised anxiety with severe panic attacks from 13, psychotic symptoms since I was 14, c-ptsd caught up with me at 16 and BPD too, although when is unclear. One person can't be this fucked up right? These things aren't anyone's fault. Just life? Nope. See through my childhood I went through every kind of abuse at home, mostly by my brother. From when I was 4. When I was 9 he started to rape and sexually abuse me. 23rd December 2008, I was 11. My dad found out. I got blamed of course, got told it'd be our little secret. He'd put a little bit of money towards a shared present and didn't want to waste his money. The "special abuse" didn't stop until I was 16. My mum must have known but ignored it. I got thrown down stairs, strangled, beat, he tried to break my arms and legs but it didnt work out so well for him thankfully. School wasn't any better. Set on fire, beat and called every single day. Stabbed. Alone. Always alone. Even now at uni, housing, living. Alone. I've lost count of the amount of men that have groped me due to work. When I could work. But I've been sexually abused by three men. I say sexually abused because society have normalised being groped and inappropriately touched. It's normal. It's expected for women to go through it. But all my life, despite being the scapegoat. I've had to be fine. I've had to be 'normal' or my mum wouldn't cope. See my brother's autistic, as well as having brain damage from a car accident. He also has a muscle wasting disease alongside my dad. My dad has bpd and suicidal tendencies too and his physical health is shockingly bad. My grandad, who is no longer alive, my mum had to care for him too. So I had to be fine. She relied on me to not have any problems, or she'd get depressed and suicidal. She blames her cancer on me though. I blame myself too. Everything that's happened in my life I blame myself. And I can't stop blaming myself. Apparently that's not normal either. One last detail about myself I guess. In May I was in the Manchester terror attack. I brought a friend and I blame myself for her emotive state too. I survived, but the person sitting next to me didn't. If I had gone to the bathroom when I was going to. When I needed to, I wouldn't need to do this. It'd already be done. How can 22 people die, with one, Saffie, as young as 8 and not me? How is that fair. I know life is unfair, but still. It sounds horrible, but that's me all over. My friend saw her earlier that night, so happy, so full of life. I also got hit by a car this year too. The driver laughed as they drove away. So what made me relapse this time? I found out my brothers now groping my dog since I don't live there. And there's nothing I can do to stop it. So now he's suffering because of me. No one will even see this. I'll just fade away, like I always do. So this is goodbye. I'd say it's been fun but, well. It really hasn't.

[dyingbylife-blog]

[dyingbylife-blog]

Mental Illness is like internal bleeding. No one knows how much it really hurts until it kills you.

[dyingbylife-blog]

Everything has been hurting a little too much for a little too long.

(via suicidalnixi)

[dyingbylife-blog]

i can never do anything right

[dyingbylife-blog]

[dyingbylife-blog]

empty the same // like moths to flames 

[dyingbylife-blog]

“i’m in pain, wanna put ten shots in my brain”

[dyingbylife-blog]

[dyingbylife-blog]

Regardless of how happy I am, if you asked me if in that moment if I wanted to die, I’d say yes because although I’m happy, there will always be that underlying sadness and it will always win

[dyingbylife-blog]

[dyingbylife-blog]

Instagram:Lexx_grant

[dyingbylife-blog]

x