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dyoid · 9 years

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If You (A Daragon Thing)

They say there were five stages of grief. The first stage was denial. The second was anger. Third stage was bargaining. Fourth one was depression. And finally, the last stage was acceptance.

And I think, for me, as a Daragon fan, I can finally say I’m letting them go. J

First of all, I am a Daragon fan. I can’t say ‘I was’ because I know, even though I am letting go, I am still and I will always be a Daragon fan. I still hope. Last year, when the news broke about the out-of-the-blue GD and Kiko issue occurred, many of us (Applers) were flabbergasted and devastated by that issue. Some of us cannot and don’t believe that rumor, and I am one of those. I cannot believe what the news say, what the pictures say, and what the video say. I just can’t believe. Because for me, as an Appler, I was purely and truly sure that Daragon is real. I never shipped other artists like this before. Never have I been so sure in every ship except this one. It was such a huge impact for me. But then it happened. I know every Applers knew this certain feeling… this certain pain. It totally hurts. I know it sounds completely crazy but it’s true.

The first stage: DENIAL

I denied it. It took me so long to this stage, I think while overcoming the second to fourth stages, being in denial was always present. I kept on denying the fact that GD and Kiko are dating. I kept on denying even though the reality (those pictures of them together being romantic and so) was like slapping me and smacking me right through my face. No. I’m not gonna believe it. I trust JIyong. I trust him. I trust this ship! What if it was just a PR? What if they were just good friends? Or a covered issue? Daragon was way too more real than Jiko! I don’t believe it. I just can’t. YG haven’t confirmed it yet. GD and Kiko don’t say anything at all. Until they said so, then I’ll believe it. It was unbearable. There was a time where I’ve searched some reviews that Jiko is for real. And yes, even though I was being a stubborn in denial person, on that moment, when I’ve read the articles about them from the beginning, it broke my heart. Because I can’t deny the fact that even though it was much less evidence than Daragon’s, it was really believable. And it hurt me so much because my mind wanted to accept the idea of them being together no more Daragon, but my heart was too close to open it for them. It was hard. It was hard to accept. Then when the leaked My-dear-Kiko video broke out, truly indeed I was completely devastated by it. I felt like my heart crushed into pieces. Was it really GD? Was it really him? What if he just looked like GD and not him? Maybe they were just really really good friends, right? He called her ‘dear’ but it doesn’t mean anything, right? I can call my friends ‘dear’, too! But it was hard. It’s like I’m lying to myself for my own satisfaction. I know what’s going on but I can’t accept it. It was really heavy.

The second stage: ANGER

I got mad at GD. Well, not totally like I became his anti-fan or I lost respect towards him, no. I just felt being so bitter. I mean, come on! After all those evidences, after all those teases and confessions, after all those meaningful smiles, after all those intense stares, those hints! What the hell did just happen so suddenly?! I was so confused it made my heart so bitter. After the entire wait, it’ll end just like this? I hope them happiness, then! Then after being so mad at him, I fell into silent. I was his fan, I shouldn’t be like this. As a fan, I should support him. But you know… even though when you’re aware of what’s happening, of what you should do, it was really hard. I felt like I was betrayed. Was it all an act? Was it all for a show? Did he just use Dara? No, he can’t use her, he’s already popular. But what was all about the hints? Was it just really an act? A fan service? Because if it was, then I’m not gonna buy that. It can’t be JUST a fan service! It can’t JUST be an act! It can’t JUST be for the show! Because I feel it! I feel his sincerity! I feel his love! Or… am I just being delusional again? I guess not. Because as I have been a Daragon fan, never I was being delusional. When I’m watching a certain video of them, I’m observing. Was it really something or was it just a coincidence? Some of it, I just feel like a coincidence, some if it I feel like being delusional, some of it I feel like it was real. I don’t have a heart that is stone, so I feel it. And I feel the sincerity and compassion between them. I don’t feel their chemistry. I feel their spark. So at the end of every day, I just can’t help but to not be bitter to him. But every day when the day starts, I again felt the heaviness of it… the feeling of betrayal and bitterness even though I’m not supposed to be.

The third stage: BARGAINING

There were so many ‘what ifs’ to begin with. There were so many regrets. Daragon, as always, have always been a mystery to all of us. We don’t know what the truth is. We just speculated things and we believe those. There was a time when I felt so tired. I felt like giving up on them. What if I didn’t open the reviews about them, maybe then today I was not hurt. What if they didn’t give hints, then maybe it’ll be just another shallow ship for me… maybe then I can ship Dara to her numbered fanboys… maybe then I might support GD for Kiko then… maybe then I can easily get over with them. What if I try to ship Dara with Donghae? What if I read reviews about Darahae? Or Chandara? Or Jaedara? Or maybe Hero or Joseph then? It was tiring.

The fourth stage: DEPRESSION

This is the hardest part. To begin with, there was already depression. It saddened my heart, tortured my heart, broke my heart, and crushed them into pieces. It left a scar upon it. Yes, somehow I accept that GD and Kiko are already dating. Maybe I only accept the idea. The fact that they are really dating now. Fine then. It’s his life anyway. I don’t have the right. I don’t have the choice. I truly wish them happiness. And I hope Dara can find hers too. Maybe… maybe, maybe I accept it. I have to. But it was hard. Yes, I accept it already. That there was no Daragon. But it was still so hard. It’s hard to let go. It’s hard to give up. There was one time, when I admit that Jiko is for real and that Daragon might just be another fan made ship, there spread the video on the party where GD held Dara’s head towards him. It was so precious, that I don’t know if I was happy or broken. Just when I was about to start to move on, then there the moment popped. It was uploaded one year after that party. I was totally like, “Why now?” because at that moment, I was about to give up Daragon, but then that video took me back and held Daragon back even though it was such a hurtful and useless act. I was stupid. Then when the break up between Se7en and Park Han Byul befallen, I realized something. Somehow, I realized, I think there was really a thing between them. But there is no forever. Everything ends. Even the longest relationship can end within just a click… within just a blink of an eye. It can change. Because nothing in this world is permanent. Of course, Daragon isn’t an exception.

The fifth and the last stage: ACCEPTANCE

I didn’t realize how month have passed. Somehow, I forgot about it… about being hurt. I think I was in the process of moving on. I started to accept slightly those rumors to be a fact. Maybe it was really true, but a small part of me thinks it might be not. Who knows, right? Since both of the company doesn’t confirm anything. But then again, what should still be confirming to, anyway? Why would they still confirm it when the pictures say it all. Common sense, I think that’s what they want to say. They are happy and they are dating. Period. Though I don’t really support them, but then I learned how to accept it. You can take it seriously and you can take it sarcastically. I guarantee both. I guess, I was too tired to be hurt that’s why I don’t care about the rumors and more dating pictures about them anymore. They’re dating? Go, date. When the issue about Dara and Soohyun happened, I was somehow shocked. Like yeah, it can and it can’t be true because Dara had cameos over Soohyun’s two hit dramas. Maybe they were just good friends so I don’t jump to conclusion. If they’re really dating, then it’s good. They’re on the right age REALLY, plus Soohyun is a good man too. It’s so ironic how I totally accept the Dara-Soohyun issue so easily but the GD-Kiko thing took me so long to accept that. I think I just became so worn-out that I don’t want to care anymore. Days passed and I felt like nothing. Big Bang’s comeback started! I was too blissful to see Tabi once again. Fangirling days again. M passed and A passed. Then the teasers of D came out and I was too eager to listen to it. YG said the song ‘If You’ was by far the saddest song of Big Bang. It was said to be really meaningful, huh. Then when it was released, I first listened to it before reading the translation. It took me by surprise, really. I was aware that it’ll be a sad song but I didn’t expect it’ll be with so much emotion that I can almost feel the pain. I haven’t read the translation yet, take note. But I can already feel its pain. And I don’t know why, but Dara came to my mind so suddenly that time. I had to read the translation of it. And I was surprised that it fits right. I kept asking myself that time, am I being delusional for some second? But I think I was not. I just suddenly felt that the song was for her. It can’t be Kiko. Why? It’s because she and GD are still dating, right? So it can’t be her. All I think was Dara without solid evidence that it was really for her. I don’t know, I just feel it was for her.

She is leaving And I can’t do anything Love is leaving Like a fool, I’m blankly standing here I’m looking at her, getting farther away She becomes a small dot and then disappears Will this go away after time passes? I remember the old times I remember you

IF YOU IF YOU If it’s not too late Can’t we get back together? IF YOU IF YOU If you’re struggling like I am Can’t we make things a little easier? I should’ve treated you better when I had you

How about you? Are you really fine? Guess our break up is setting I should forget you but it’s not easy

On days where thin rain falls like today I remember your shadow

Our memories that I secretly put in my drawer I take them out and reminisce again by myself

Why didn’t I know About the weight of sadness that comes with breaking up?

Let’s admit this. There was really Daragon, in the past, maybe. And maybe it was also a long relationship. I’m not asking you to open your mind for it, but I think at some point, it was a real fact. Daragon has always been a mystery. But I bet it was real. Come to think of it, you can already feel the awkwardness between them. I mean, that’s not the typical Daragon from the last time. There were also no more signs, no more public conversations, no more hints. It only left the pain. “Why didn’t I know about the weight of sadness that comes with breaking up?” Who else, right? I guess my questions from before were now answered. Those evidences, those teases and confessions, those meaningful smiles, those intense stares, those hints from before… I think it was now answered. That there was once a Daragon. But what gets me in about this meaningful song was the hope of the guy (and as we know, GD composed the song). “If it’s not too late, can’t we get back together?” it’s like, in my own opinion, he was hoping. And if it’s really true that it was for Dara, then it’s a secret declaration that there was once a Daragon and that Jiyong was hoping for them to grow back together? But of course, I’m not jumping onto that conclusion because I know and I’m quite aware he’s still dating Mizuhara. ”I should forget you but it’s not easy.” He’s really in love with whom whoever he’s dedicating it to. “I should’ve treated you better when I had you.” And I think this was also a declaration of regrets. Well then, girl, whoever you are, whether you were really Dara or not, you were one of a lucky girl. I was also thinking about the certain reviews about the thing that why was the song has been putted on the D series when it can be on A or E or M. It can be really intended but it can also be coincidental. I don’t know. GD knows.

But thanks to this song, If You somehow proved that Daragon was real. It’s not that I’m still going to hold still but I guess because of this song, I can finally let go of this feeling. It’s not because I was too tired but because this gave me the satisfaction that once there was Daragon and once, this bad boy wants her girl back. I can finally have my heart in peace. Because of this song, I was 99% that Daragon was real, and I’m happy for it. I will always be a Daragon shipper no matter what. But of course, we have to face the reality that sometimes, they can’t be together. And maybe we don’t know, maybe they can grow back together, right? I do hope. I’ll let go of them. But I will always be right here to support whatever decisions they will choose. J Kkeut.

@eseuji

QUESTIONS ROUNDING ON MY MIND: (it can be silly anyway)

1. The pictures of GD and Kiko say it all. But why can’t I feel the spark between them? Why do I only feel the certain friendship? Am I just too blinded by my love for Daragon?

2. Why YG didn’t confirm their relationship? When Taeyang-Hyorin dating issue broke out, he already made a statement confirming they are really dating. I’m just curious why.

3. Was it really an intention or coincidence that If You was on the D series?

4. Who was the girl GD was preferring to in the song If You? Who was that muse?

5. What did GD did wrong for him to say ‘I should’ve treated you better when I had you’?

HAENGSHO.

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