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Goodbye to this blog… it’s been in my life for so long but I think it’s time for me to let it go.

Life isn’t that deep.

No one is perfect so just enjoy life as much as you can.

I’m going to make a new blog now ahaah so dumb but I think I need to go back to the things that made me happy and keep track of it.

Anime, art, fashion, music, movies, mythology, the universe, astrology. Learning about finance.

👽Let’s take a ride in my spaceship ✌️🛸

Located @nasa-1018

I miss editing/customizing websites so Its still a work in progress but at least it gives something to do. Thanks for being here.

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I’m trying . I’m trying to be happy . It’s hard. I’m sorry to my friends that I can’t show up. I’m sorry I can’t make the most simplest decisions. I’m sorry I can’t plan things. I’m sorry I get overwhelmed easily. I try to hide it and I know it looks like I’m okay but honestly I don’t think you guys understand how much it hurts.

It’s not on purpose but I understand. Life is going to keep moving and that’s okay. I just hope everyone is happy and well. I know everyone will be great and I’m excited to see where life takes you. I’ll cherish the memories we had together. Please go be happy and never stop what you want to do. Go travel, Go see the world, eat to your hearts content, spend time with people who love you. Ask for her/his number. Life never stops.

I’m grateful for everyone and Thanks for holding my hand when I needed it.

I’ll be okay.

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Have I always been depressed

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I’m grateful for my friends; they are so amazing and I wouldn’t be here without them

I’m grateful for my bed; I could be homeless and cold but I have a comfortable bed and I can drink tea and chill out and breathe

I’m grateful that I have the ability to eat. I am hungry at the moment so. yeah.

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The day of acceptance.

Therapy doesn’t work. Talking about my feelings don’t work. I’m anxious, I’m paranoid, I’m nothing.

My thoughts keep creating scenarios that are stupid. My friends aren’t bad people. They wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. My coworkers wouldn’t do anything to hurt me either. I love my job. I love my friends. I love my ex. I love the people I’m able to meet everyday. The sun is beautiful. Everything is beautiful.

Why do I still feel like this? It’s not fair to anybody.

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Can the thoughts just stop?

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How do I create a life that I can share with people?

Idk anymore. I feel like I always show up but the moment I don’t ; I’m a horrible human being.

I’m just tired. I’m sorry. It’s not anyone’s fault. Sometimes I am outgoing , sometimes I just want to be around people and not do anything. sometimes I want to sleep and hide from the world.

It’s hurts. I don’t want to make anyone feel like a second choice, I don’t want to cause anyone pain. I don’t know what I can do anymore.

Like at this point. I am so lost. it hurts to know maybe I was never a good friend, maybe I’m actually horrible at my job, maybe I’m not meant to be a part of anything.

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“You should never feel the need to perform around people that claim they love you”

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What makes me feel valued?

… I think it’s to be understood, like Am I really that bad at communicating? I never meant any ill-intent. I never want to be disrespectful or rude. No one’s perfect and idk, just being accepted for who I am would be nice.

What do I want?

I want a place to call my own and not be scared to make a mess or be loud or … to actually sit in the living room and be comfortable. Invite friends for cookouts, movie nights, games. being able to try new recipes. Make jam. Have a fish in the kitchen named Henry. Maybe sleep on the couch whenever I feel like. Not having to step on my tippy toes so I don’t make noise. Not having to worry about closing doors softly. Not being in the way of anyone or making any inconveniences. Finding love with no pressure, It just makes sense. Knowing what your weaknesses and strengths are and seeing how I can help with that and vise versa but also love is doing something for someone that you dislike doing because you know, it’ll make them happy and I think that’s a valid comment. That’s how you know you really love someone, you never want to hurt them; you simply just want to make them happy

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I just need to make meals that I can eat easily without being stressed or make a decision about it. and be consistent with it because gotta save money.

‘Every man for themselves’

…. Honestly that’s how it feels lately. which sucks. My friends are moving on with their lives and It’s okay. Like … they need too. We’re getting older. Family, retirement, unexpected life events. Like these things are important. It’s good to be prepared and I can’t expect them to be around for me whenever I’m having ‘existential crisis’ like that’s dumb.

Everyone has their own journey. Their own path. I think I’ve just been trying to tag a long.

I don’t know what my path is, or how my life is going to be and that’s scary. Very scary and I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way.

I really am looking at life through a window glass and whose fault is that? …. lol nobody else’s but mine.

What makes me happy? What makes me feel valued? What do I want?

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I didn’t think it would be this hard

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I just ate a bowl of pasta at like 12am . Why? Idk. Can’t sleep . I know it’s going to wreck my stomach in the morning. I mean , good news. I cooked this weekend so I have food for the week.

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I’m grateful for the people I work with

I’m grateful to have had a really good weekend with my ex/friend (it’s hard.. okay)

I’m grateful to have this cup of coffee even though I already struggle to sleep but it’s fine

I’m grateful that I can have money to buy groceries

I’m grateful I have the ability to budget and save money for things I want

I’m grateful for my friends who I KNOW love me and I shouldn’t need constant reassurance that they do.

I’m grateful that I can eat whatever foods I want even though it hurts my stomach but I love food

I’m grateful for everything. I really am.

I’m grateful for the opportunity I got for the job I have… I’m sorry for not living up to expectations…

I’m grateful for my family. I know they love me but it’s hard because I don’t know how to reciprocate everything they’ve done for me. Same with friends.

I’m grateful for the small conversations I’ve had with strangers.

I’m grateful for my car, I can drive anywhere, whenever I want to.

I’m grateful for the memories and experiences I’ve had since I was a kid. I don’t want to be like my mom or my dad. They’re better now. I guess, it’s all in the character development. I wonder when mines gonna start.

I’m grateful seeing my old co-workers from previous jobs. She was so nice and we hugged.

I’m grateful to have these feelings.. because it reminds me I’m just human. I’m just a girl. I love clothes, I love shoes, I love makeup, I love iced coffee, doing nails. Yes, most of my meals are drinks. Do I get headaches? Yes. My tummy hurts? Yes.

I’m just human. I’m not perfect and that’s okay when will I give myself a break?

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Can’t sleep. Overate. Idk. Why am I like this? Why do things never work out? Am I just tired . ? Am I being lazy? I just want to hide from the world now because I don’t think my heart can take any more of it.

I miss my friends but maybe I don’t have any anymore. I miss a lot of people. I understand though. Maybe I don’t put in enough effort to state an opinion or voice what I want to do. I mean, I’m just happy being around people but I know having to communicate/participate is important but when I’m sad I like to be alone. idk.

Idk what the fuck I do. I like being alone, I hate being alone. I like people, I sometimes don’t want to deal with people. I love to work but god damn, I can’t find a good balance. I don’t do anything. I’m not anything.

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I’m grateful. I’m grateful I have a job. I’m grateful I have a home. I’m grateful that I can pay my bills. I’m grateful that I have the ability to stay home. I’m grateful for the people in my life. I’m grateful that I can write. I’m grateful that I can see, taste, feel and hear.

I’m sorry for disappointing so many people but now I constantly just want to sleep. Everyone goes through this, people have more on their plate than I do. like kids, sick grandparents, school debt, pets. I know that. I know I can be in a worse situation.

I KNOW THAT THINGS CAN BE WORSE.

I am having a hard time right now whatever my perception is. It feels like a wall and I can’t break it no matter how hard I try. It just won’t go away.

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I feel like everyone is leaving and I understand no one is going to help. Who can?

The only thing that’s keeping me here is my bills. The sense of purpose? Everyone says to get a dog but dogs need love and care and time. I don’t even have that.

I’m not someone people want to be around anymore and that is not a good feeling.

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- j (x)