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eakfestforever · 3 years

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Pilot

Waking up from nappy #1 of the day sky and zeus are each laying on their own couch. Sky moves over to lay right on top of zeus. Zeus looks up for a second, goes right back to sleep.

Waking up from nappy #2 of the day Sky and Zeus are laying on the couch. Stella is on the coffee table. A car goes by and Sky and Zeus jump up to the windows barking

Sky: Oh hell no, what are you doing on our street...by our house? I know you ain’t comin here! You just keep on keepin on motha fucka. That’s what I thought. Keep on keepin on...

Zeus: I can protect us all! I am Zeus! Protector of… Oh hello friend! Sky, that was the nice man with that nice car that drives by just to say hello all the time. He is so nice.

Sky: You ain’t never even met that man Zeus! He could be a serial killer! A Rapist! Coming here to do terrible things to me and my body! Daddy Almighty expects us to protect this house so stop being such a pussy ass little bitch. Jeez do I have to do everything around here?

Stella: So, ummm, can we all just like, shut up now? The car is so gone now and like, you can’t even see it any more? OMG I can’t even…

Zeus: Stella, how come you do not care about these cars and these humans that go by? Don’t you want new friends?

Sky: New friends? Hmf… new friends my ass, more like new crazy ass white people thinking they all that tryina take our shit.

Stella: I don’t know… it’s all Gucci in my world… I just like birds and bugs… and Grandpa. I like Grandpa. Will he be home soon? And also… Sky you are so incredibly racist.

Sky: Your Grandpa, aka Daddy Almighty, is a very busy man. He is out there hunting monies. Lots of monies so that I can has the health care and delicious food and bones and things. And also… I am NOT racist. Whatchu know about someone being racist? Nuttin!

Zeus: But isn’t the monies for all of us? Me, you, Stella, Mummy and Daddy. Don’t we all get those things?

Sky: Nigga please! If there was to be some extra, which I doubt there will be, I suppose you can get some of those things. But not the health care… definitely not the health care. Ain’t never enough monies for you to has that. Hmf.

Stella: Well I am pretty sure that grandpa would let me have the health care. He likes me best. I mean, he calls me Stella Bo Bella! Hello! Bella! And he plays mouse with me and like shares some sick tea with me when we get turnt on Saturday nights.

Sky: Girl, he may get turnt with you one night a week but it is obvious that I am his favorite… I mean, look at this (smacks her ass) who could say no to this sweet ass.

Zeus: But doesn’t he like Mommy best? She is the greatest mommy in the whole wide world and he gives her lots and lots of kisses and hugs and

Sky: and that big ol dick.. That’s right zeus, he gives that whore his big ol godly dick and she is thankful for it, too. Why wouldn’t she be? She is so lucky that he chose her to take his almighty sword. He is so gracious...

Stella: Eeeewww gross…. Stop talking about that stick. Blecht… ewwww…(gags a little) he has much more fun playing video games with me anyway. It’s dope. We get high and drink coffee and hang all night taking names and kick ASS! Woop woop!

Zeus: mummy does not like that gross stuff. Sky. Daddy makes her do those awful things. She would much rather cuddle with zeusy and make him sammiches.

Sky: Y’all are cra cra. She is a h-o-r-e. That spells whore zeus and She Loves doing those nasty ass things and she knows it is her place to love them. God. Y’all just don’t get it at all.

Mailman comes up the road, Zeus and Sky run to the windows again waking up from nappy #3

Stella rolls her eyes and says OMG

Zeus: Sky, it is that really slow man that tries every day to put things in that box in front of our house. He tries to sneak up but I hear him when he turns that corner. I will not let him step foot on...

Sky: You just sit back and let mama handle this situation. He is a t-h-r-e-t ,that spells threat by the way zeus and I am the only one responsible for keeping his ugly ass away from this house every day! See… he is already driving away.

Zeus: (in an attempt to sound tough, flexing a muscle) What? I ain’t neva scurred. I got this ALL DAY! ALL DAY biotch!

Sky and Stella look at each other and suddenly burst out laughing and rolling around

Another car pulls up and parks in front of the house and once again zeus and sky run to the windows barking feverishly (tearing up the couch covers and pushing cushions out more and more each time)

Zeus: That car stopped sky… is this serious?

Sky: Alert, alert, this is a code red. I repeat, code red. Yall need to be ready for anything. Stella, are you ready? Stella!

Stella: OMG… what? I just found the perfect sun spot on the floor. What?

Sky: we are under a high alert Stella… that is what? Do I have to remind you that we are under strict orders from

Stella: I know, i know, from “Daddy Almighty” to like protect the house or something… ugh.

Zeus: You go away stranger, do you hear me, you go away because this is our house and.. IT’S... GRAMPA! OMG OMG OMG! YAY! I’M SO EXCITED, I’M SO EXCITED. GRAMPAS HERE! SKY! GRAMPA’S HERE! We haven’t seen him in so many years!

Sky: I can see that Zeus, I do have eyes you know. He is here to see me. He always comes to see me. You must just be asleep when he usually comes. I can’t wait until he sees me, he will be so excited. He must have missed me so much. How do I look? Oh Jesus, what am I thinking asking you how I look. I look amazing as always.

Stella: K well you idiots go on outside with great grandpa, i’ll enjoy some time to myself finally.

Zeus and sky run to the back door and meet grandpa at the door jumping all over him. Stella jumps up on the shoe rack by the back window of the sun porch.

Grampa: Hey guys how are you today? Ugh, ok, down… down… no jumping. Down. Sit. Goodness, I was just here yesterday, you act like you haven’t seen me in years! Ok, who wants to go outside?

Zeus and sky simultaneously: Me me me me I do I do

Zeus and sky run out the door followed by grandpa. Sky runs right to the bowl of water in the backyard and drinks ferociously.

Grandpa: geez, sky. Don’t mommy and daddy leave you water?

Sky: well of course they do but this is the water of the gods. It is left here for me, sky, to replenish any of the awesomeness that is sometimes lost when I am forced to spend too much time with mere mortals (looks accusingly at zeus)

Zeus: well I would like to drink the god water, too sky. Can I drink the god water? I didn’t know it was god water. I just thought mommy put it there.

Sky: Oh you silly ass dog. Mommy put it there. How naive you are. Anyway, yeah, you can drink some but it only gives powers to me so…

Zeus: that’s ok… I don’t need powers. I just need friends and mummy.

Grandpa: Ok guys….who wants the ball?

Sky: I do I do. Throw it grandpa. I will get it for you! I am the best ball catcher… well, except for mom pwahahahahaha see what I did there? See what I did? Mom, BALL CATCHER… AS IN DADDYS BALLS....OH I CRACK MYSELF UP! Zeus, don’t even THINK about saying you want that ball.

Zeus: I would like the ball grandpa but I believe it is only for sky. I am sorry you can’t throw it for me.

Sky: damn right it is bitch. Don’t even think about trying to get that ball. Get over here dirty whore (sky proceeds to hump zeus angrily while biting the back of his neck) you’re like my ball,.. Got it. I take what I want… just like this…. Take it bitch…uh uh uh

Grandpa: sky…. Would you get off of zeus

Zeus: it’s ok, grandpa, zeusy doesn’t mind.

(Sky gets down)

Yea well, this is my ball and I am in charge here so you just sit back and watch me get it ya little pussy

Grandpa throws the ball, Sky gets it and lays down with it.

Grandpa: sky, bring it back so i can throw it again. Come on, bring it back.

Sky: well that’s just crazy grandpa, I already have it. Why would I want to give it back to you

Zeus’: because he likes to throw it sky, why don’t you let me bring it back to grandpa, it makes him so happy (attempts to take the ball)

Sky: Oh no you didn’t. You did NOT just try to take this ball away from ME! What makes YOU think that it would be ok to just walk right up to ME and take THIS ball away (sky is so busy bitching with her eyes closed that she drops the ball and zeus picks it up and takes it to grandpa)

Grandpa: good boy zeus… such a good boy. Do you want me to throw it? Are you gonna get it this time?

Zeus: you can throw it grandpa but sky will get it, it is her ball. It’s ok.

Sky: damn right it is bitch. I cannot even believe you took it like you think who the fuck you are right now

Zeus: ok...zeusy will go and poop now.

Zoom in on zeus’s butthole and see the “asslings” white hairs that grow out of his butthole and just say mean things when they are “activated”

Asslings: hey shit for brains, think you can make a descent dump this time? Don’t waste my time with one of those useless pathetic pencil turds you lazy son of a bitch. Eat some god damn fiber for christ’s sake. Geez, this aint rocket science, my friend. Ya eat and ya shit it out.

Meanwhile sky comes over and hears his asslings.

Sky: what in the? Zeus, are you waking up those nasty ass asslings again? What in the holy hell is wrong with you? Now you listen to me mother fucking asslings… y'all just need to shut the fuck up and

Asslings: shut your slutty trap you stupid whore. You don’t know nothin bout nothin so mind your own god damn business, capiche?

Sky: Hmf… stupid ass dirty cock suckers. Trying to tell ME what to do. I will have you know that Daddy Almighty will smite you right off of that asshole if I so much as say the word so you just watch your mother fuckin ps and qs. God damn asslings…

Asslings: ooooh, we’re shaking in our shit shoes slut. OOOh daddy almighty… we’re so scared

Zeus: it’s ok everybody, can’t we all just be friends?

Sky: somethin wrong with you

Grandpa: well guys… if everyone has pooped and peed and is done playin catch, think I’ll head home.

Sky: Of course, grampa. You are old and tired. I completely understand. I am always more than happy to allow you to spend time in my presence but go and rest now.

Zeus: ok grandpa, we will go back to protecting the house as we do when there are no other humans around. We are brave and will not let anyone do anything to this house. We are on high alert at all times.

2 seconds later both dogs are down for nappy #4

Stella: omg how can they possibly sleep so much?? Oh well, better for me. I can finally look out the window by myself. TBH… I love their nap times. They’re so basic. I’m just like hey let’s just hang and LALL, that’s for live and live let. But you know, enjoy life, have fun, laugh, dance (sees a bird outside and stares intently at it for a moment) Hey bitch, whatchu tryin? I could eat you ya know. You’d be a snack in a (bird flies away)... anyways… they need to chill and spread love, not hate. I just love, love, love, life ya know?

(Stella stares at the dogs)

(Sky opens one eye a little bit)

Sky: Ummmm… can I help you? What are you staring at?

Stella: Nothing… I just don’t know why you sleep so much. This is like nap #4 or something isn’t it? And it’s only like 1:30 in the afternoon!

Sky: I will have you know… guarding this house takes a lot of energy and multiple nappies are IMPERATIVE to keep this highly efficient, well oiled… beautiful…. security machine in tip top condition. (zeus is sitting up looking proud and strong) Do you think this just happens? NO! AND even when it LOOKS like I am asleep, I am still on high alert. As for Zeus well he’s just lazy. (zeus drops his head looking sad)

Zeus: But if zeusy naps just like Sky, why isn’t he a highly efficient something something?

Sky: Because I know the correct way to nap and you do not… that is why.

ZEus: OOOOOOOH

Stella: But like, I’m a cat and I mean, naps have been called “cat naps” because they nap so much but like, you nap waaaaay more than I do.

Sky: Exactly.. You are a CAT and you have no real purpose here so you do not have the same sleep requirements. Here… let me try and explain the science behind this. I know you most likely will not be able to follow along very well but I will try to explain it as well as I can so that a simple minded person like yourself can get a basic understanding.

Stella just rolls her eyes… zeus looks on excitedly. Sky whips out a dry erase board and marker, puts on glasses and proceeds to draw a bunch of squiggly lines and nonsense

Sky: You see it is like this… my body has to expel a specific amount of what is called en..er..gy (sounded out slowly) in order to perform the very important duties that have been placed upon me. That en..er..gy (sounded out slowly) needs to be replaced at certain intervals throughout the day or this here machine (runs hands down her body) will fail and THAT is simply not an option.

(excitedly draws dots and slashes on dry erase board )

Zeus: OOOOH! And is that also why you need to eat most of the food that mummy puts out for both of us?

Sky looks at zeus like he is stupid

Sky: No dummy… I have told you. I NEED that extra food because I am carrying your babies!

Stella: Ummm haven’t you been saying that for like ever?

Zeus: Stella, these are special babies and they need extra time to be ready for the world. Sky told me so. See… I remembered Sky!

Sky: HMF bout damn time. With that being said, I must get on with nappy #5 now because I

Motorcycle comes up the road; zeus and sky run to the window barking…. Stella runs away, startled by their sudden movement

Sky: Oh I know that sound! You think you are something else, don’t you speedy gonzalez. That’s right you just keep on going right on by. You know what’s best for you, don’t you. That's what I THOUGHT!

Zeus: We did it again, Sky. We showed him! He won’t be coming round here again, will he sky?

Sky: Well I should hope not! Just the sound of my voice told that stupid ass mother fucker that he needs to just be OUT.

Zeus: Mummy and Daddy will be so proud of us! We didn’t let any bad guys come into this house! I can’t wait until they come home and see what an amazing job we did! WHen will they be home sky? It has been soooooo long since they left to go hunting!

Sky: Well, I don’t know about Mommy… it ain’t like she is hunting monies like Daddy Almighty. Women just don’t have the brains for that. I can’t believe she is even allowed to DRIVE! But I have to trust in Daddy almighty’s decision to let her… as difficult as that may be. Need to just have faith! Anyways… Daddy will be home when he feels he has collected sufficient monies and we just have to be patient. Could be days, could be months, could be years! No one can say!

Stella: Ummmm, pretty sure they leave every morning and come home every evening. It’s like… a few hours. But like there are some days that they stay home and like…

Sky: stay home??? That was WEEKS ago. there’s no telling when or if that will happen again. There is a lot of pressure on Daddy to hunt our monies. We just have to trust in the lord and his decisions. Now everybody just shut up and let me get on with nappy #5 I am already way behind schedule thanks to Mr. speedy gonzalez. HMF

Sky and zeus curl up on a now cushionless, coverless couch. Stella sits on the back of the couch looking out the window and talking to the animals outside

Stella: oh hello mr squirrel… looking mighty brave today, aren’t we? If only gramma and grandpa would forget to close the window one day… you wouldnt be so brave then, would you? I’d slash you taint to tip and dance in your blood while I …. Oh look! Gramas home! Yay!

Sound of a chainlink gate opening. Zeus and sky jump up and look out the window, tails wagging, wining with excitement.

Zeus: omg omg omg mummy is home I love her so so so so much! She will be so happy to see how we protected the house and she will take us outside right away and walk around with us because she is so proud of us!

Sky: You best believe I will explain to her right away that it was ME who kept us all safe from the evil doers of this god forsaken earth and she will be so happy and give me the most pets.

Stella: (mumbling quietly to herself) at least I didn’t fuck up the couches like these asshats. Pretty sure Grammas gonna like lose her shit when she sees this disaster.

Alicia walks in the back door, zeus and sky and jumping up and down wining excitedly. Stella saunters in,

Zeus: OMG mummy you wouldn’t believe what happened today. You have been gone so long! We thought we would never see you again. Grandpa came over and we scared away so many strangers and…

Sky: ahem… look at me, just me. Zeus has no idea what he is talking about. I knew you would come home and I TRIED to explain it to him but he is just so stupid and yes Grampa came to see ME and I chased away many strangers as I do everyday.

Stella: Hey Gramma… what up? Wait til you see what these morons did to the couches… it is legit fucked up.

Alicia: hello hello everybody… down… come on, let’s go outside...how was your day? Were you a good boy? Were you a good girl?

They all go outside, stella gets up on the shoe rack by the back window. Alicia walks to the mailbox, sky jumping next to her the whole time

Sky: did you hear me bitch? I chased away the bad guys… A-Gain! You should be praising me! Praise me god dammit.

Zeus just goes off to lift his leg and pee on a plant

Zeus: here ya go little flower… i know how much you like this. It will make you grow big and strong.

Sky: zeus you idiot… you are doing that wrong. Look, you need to do it like this…

Sky squats on the same plant and pees.

Sky: it is MY water that this flower wants and quite frankly NEEDS. You don’t know nothin bout nothin

Alicia: alright guys back inside. Gotta start dinner.

Once inside alicia sees couch cushions on the floor, stuffing from the already ripped cushions strewn all over. Stella sitting on the coffee table waiting for the shit to hit the fan with a big smile

Alicia: what the fuck guys?

Zeus and sky shrink down and slink off, attempting to go into the bedroom but the door is still closed. Sky proceeds to pee a little on the floor

Sky: OMG this bitch is NEVER satisfied! GOd damn. Goin and scarin me like that, making me piddle a little. And for what? Nothin. That’s what.

zeus : i’m so so so so sorry mummy… we didn’t realize we messed up the couches. IT will never ever happen again mummy… i promise.

Alicia: I am so sick and tired of piecing these couches back together again! It would just be nice to have a normal looking living room! Sky did you just pee on the floor? Wtf? YOu were just outside!

Alicia wipes up the pee as she rambles about what a pain in the ass they are

Stella just sits on the coffee table giggling and smirking

Sky: oh no you didnt bitch you did NOT just ask me if I peed on the floor. I mean, I did but who do you think you are asking me that. You would never ask me that if daddy almighty were here. HMF. that’s right, clean that up… clean up my pee.

Alicias phone chimes, receiving a text

Alicia: well guys, daddy has to work late so no point in starting dinner.

(walks to coffee table, pets stella for a bit, hair flying all over and then sits on the couch as both dogs proceed to jump all over her in excitement)

Zeus: yay… mummy is ready to snuggle! This is what zeusy lives for! Mummy’s kisses and hugs and belly rubs

Sky: Move over zeus, she wants to pet me really. (one dog on each side of alicia) I will allow her to at least until daddy almighty returns from his hunt. Here ya go bitch, take it all in.

Alicia: guess what guys… it is thursday. You know what that means!

All say simultaneously

Alicia: tomorrow is the start of the weekend!

Zeus: it is almost mummy and daddy all day time!

Sky: father daddy is gonna take what is his tomorrow night from his whore!

STella: grandpa and me gonna get turnt tomorrow night woop woop!

Alicia: just one more day, guys… one more day

Everyones smiling

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