eccedentesiastintheclouds

[eccedentesiastintheclouds]

This is a good-bye

a good-bye to everyone and everything

for a time period i cannot specify yet

I distanced myself from everyone

and everything

I no longer text anyone first

nor keep up with socials

I need time to work on myself

to find the light again

I do what i want

when i want

how i want

I left the city

Came back to the countryside

So no one could see me

I have made friends with nature

they understand my silenced words

they see something in me

I go hiking almost every day

the winds calm me in my ears

the river waters flow through my body

the night skies reflect my truth in the stars

they are everything I embody

I have learned how to breathe

I have been taught how to understand the woods

I have found peace

I no longer have to prove myself

to anybody else besides myself

I'm setting fires to my insides for fun

to see which ones cause a disaster

hurting to discover what cannot be undone

nature, that is what I have mastered

So this is my goodbye

I will be gone

for some time

only returning once i have found my purpose

and my peace

i will come back

and conquer the world

[eccedentesiastintheclouds]

past, present, future

what do we get from the past

besides life lessons

i have made peace with my past

cause that's something i cant change

i regret nothing

cause as a wise man once said

its exactly what i wanted at one time

so regretting something that happened a long time ago

would be doubting myself

and i wont do that

intrust myself with my whole heart

cause i am the only one who actually knows myself

the way my brain works

and what's going on deep inside me

i'm focused on the present

everything that's going on right now

so i can take everything from this exact moment

the present turns into past in seconds

and we cannot get it back

so i take my time to live in the moment

to live, laugh and most importantly

to love

myself

14.01.20// i'm me.

[eccedentesiastintheclouds]

the walk

i was walking through the forest

slowly

one step

and then another

reminiscing about the past

the good times

back when i was younger

more foolish, yes

but still so carefree and reckless

the moon was lighting up my way

the small path between the trees

i could see the city lights

never leaving my side

i felt so light

and i felt happy

i remembered one night a few summers back

when i was walking next to the shoreline

and this feeling of calmness came over me

like i finally knew my place

who i am and what i want

i felt the love for myself

i stopped on a hill

to watch the city and the starry sky above it

i took a few deep breaths

and continued walking

listening to my favourite song

and thinking about how amazing this life really is

high walks with my soul // 30.12.20

[eccedentesiastintheclouds]

i'm sitting at the park

watching the smoke that's coming from my cigarette

listening to my favorite songs

feeling the sun on my face

and i can't stop my eyes from closing

i can't keep the smile from my face

this is what it feels to be happy and free

when you find yourself smiling

without a reason

walking down these unfamiliar streets

exploring new places

getting lost in them

but still feeling invincible

i wholeheartedly believe in happiness now

and i hope everyone finds what makes them happy

i hope they find themselves

go and leave your home, town, country

run

run as far as you want

find yourself

it is worth it

rooftop hours

[eccedentesiastintheclouds]

the world is gray

the world is gray sometimes

at least it used to seem like that

but i guess i realized lately that

its gray all the time

my world

is gray

like someone said

some nights im Van Goghs Starry Night

but the others im his suicide letter

and it feels like im rarely the starry night nowadays

i think i lost the spark in me

the spark that i spent so much time looking for

its gone

a g a i n

and i know i have to find it again

cause i want to see the world as it is

in its real colors

i will find it

and i will see those colors again

once i have healed

it is not going to happen yet but soon

soon i will find myself again

10.08.20//1:42am

[eccedentesiastintheclouds]

i just feel like

like

i don't know

everything is happening so suddenly

i can't keep up

a few days ago i was at home

in my own bed

and now i'm traveling in a foreign country

with the only purpose of finding myself

i find myself wondering

how would it be to live here

these cities seem perfect

but i'm just a bypasser

i don't know the pain, the flaws nor troubles that they bring with them

and that makes me think

maybe thats how it is with people as well?

an old man told me about his first heart break today

i felt sorry for him

until he told me he was glad and grateful

i was fascinated by his story

but i understood him

we had something in common

we both had escaped from our demons

he moved to this town from a totally different country

and i just traveled to the exact same country

with similar problems

and similar hopes

just 50 years later

so i feel like

like

i don't know

what i do know is that if he had his happy ending

then maybe i can have mine as well

27.02.19

[eccedentesiastintheclouds]

vahel mõtlen

mõtlen, et oleks võinud sind kohata hiljem

mõnel teisel hetkel oma elus

äkki siis oleks kõik parem

kergem

või hoopiski rõõmsam

samas olen veendunud,

et kõik juhtub põhjusega omal ajal

nii nagu ette on nähtud

kõik tunded, õppetunnid ja valu

ma poleks see, kes olen

kui poleks olnud sind

just sel hetkel

jah, on valus

aga see valu hääbub

see valu õpetab

ehk kohtume tulevikus

ja oleme üksteisele õiged

parandame

toetame

kasvame

ehk kohtume tulevikus

ja saame aru, et õiget polegi

vähemalt mitte meile

või meie üksteisele

ehk ei kohtugi

kuid olen õnnelik, isegi tänulik

just nende kuude eest

aitäh sulle

küll aeg teab, mis on õige

mis korduma peab

ja mis ununeb

aitäh, et olid

ja läksid

26/02/2020//00:58

rooftop hours

[eccedentesiastintheclouds]

now

now is the moment

the moment i've been waiting for my entire life

when i can say im truly happy

i am walking outside with the brightest smile

i have found myself

i have found the happiness in me

sitting on this rooftop

looking down on the city

loving the city lights

loving life

and nothing

i mean n o t h i n g

can ruin this amazing feeling

that's inside me

i know what i want

and its beautiful

the smile will never leave

because i am happy

and that's the way it has to be

and will be

03.02.2019//19:32

[eccedentesiastintheclouds]

i died in tears today

and i was free

not in the way you are thinking

i found myself

the messy part of me died

i know what i want

where i want

how i want

and no one can take these thoughts from me

because it's not a physical thing

its a feeling

in its purest form

it's an indescribable thing to feel

you cannot put it in words

but you can sense it

in your bones

head

and most importantly

in your heart

and that's something no one can take

you're free

[eccedentesiastintheclouds]

what's the meaning of life

what is the true meaning of life?

there is no answer to that

because the answer is dissimilar

everyone needs to find their own explanation

i think that everyone needs to find their own meaning for life

and one cannot find the answer

if they haven't managed to find themselves first

the answer is deep down in our hearts

but we must work on ourselves to find it

and the sad truth is

that not everyone will be able to find it

they will continue floating amongst us

either trying too hard to find it

or dying slowly because they have given up

but i hope

that everyone finds their reason

before their time is up

so they could feel invincible

to feel a l i v e

[eccedentesiastintheclouds]

questions

my life is a mystery

i want to ask so many questions

but there is no point now is there?

if the questions would result in both of us hurting

i need reassurance

i need to be told exactly how things are

but life is life right?

nothing can never truly be in your favor

we all die in the end

maybe we should start asking the real questions

why live our lives in doubt and confusion

i am going to get hurt anyways

either by overthinking

or because of the answers

so why not ask them and get it over with

once you get the truth

you can either continue

or you can move on

either way it will be better for you to know

so from now on

i am not going to hesitate no more

my questions need to be heard

and answered

i am the fucking queen of my own life

and i dont tolerate shit anymore

be honest

or get the fuck out

[eccedentesiastintheclouds]

i am not real, i made myself up

im not real, i made myself up

and thats no joke

lately i have found myself thinking

am i real?

is this who i am?

or is this who i want to be seen as?

the truth is

i am not sure anymore

i try so hard

to be who everyone expects me to be

i smile

i laugh

i joke around

but do i really want to do it?

or am i doing it because thats normal to the others

am i hiding my pain and emptiness

am i hiding it behind a mask?

im not real

i made myself up

i made up a perfectly normal, funny and positive person

but that's not who i am

theres pain in me

anger in me

lots of self doubt and anxiety

the panic attacks are killing me on a daily basis

but no one knows about them

they only see a happy girl

a girl who is there for everyone

a girl who puts the others before her

all

the

time

and that's not okay

i have to make myself count

it's time to lose the mask

its time to become happy

for real

not just to please everyone else

so that one day i can say

i am real, i haven't made myself up

19.02.19//1:24am

[eccedentesiastintheclouds]

to the moon and never back

last night i was laying in bed

staring at the ceiling

imagining there were stars

the whole night sky

i dreamt of traveling through space and time

getting further and further from home

the second i closed my eyes

i could feel myself floating through the universe

i dreamt of planets far away

of endless constellations

i could feel the calmness crawling into me

touching me with its soft hands

everything would've been dark around me

but the stars

and planets

they were lighting up my way

i floated through space

dreaming about getting away

i felt good

i felt amazing

to the moon and never back i said

lucky are the people who have been up there

they've seen the world from a totally different point of view

i opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling

to the moon and never back is what i want to do

i am going to find my moon in my life

the happiness

the calmness

and i'm never coming back to this point in my life

this will all be in the past one day

just a faint memory

[eccedentesiastintheclouds]

ma jooksin

meeleheitlikult, et sind veel kätte saada

ma teadsin, et peatudes jään sinust ilma

ma jooksin ja jooksin

nägin veel su varju, mis ei lasknud lootusel kaduda

lõpuks sa peatusid

ise

vaatasid mulle oma kurbade silmadega otsa

justkui vabandades

haarasin su enda embusesse ja lubasin mitte ealeski lahti lasta

kui kord lõpuks su silmadesse pilgu heitsin

siis sa lihtsalt naeratasid

enda silmad sama märjad kui minu

kuulsin kaugusest teiste hääli

mõistsin, et ainus viis sind endaga igavesti hoida

on sind lahti lasta

ma jooksin

ja jooksin

sina ühes suunas

mina teises

andsime mõtteis lubaduse

jääda üksteise mälestustesse

isegi kui oleme üksteisest lahti lasknud

oleme ikka koos

lõpuks ma peatusin, et kord veel tagasi vaadata

siin on vana küün

mälestusi täis nagu minu pea

ahmisin õhku nii kui suutsin

hapnik kadus mu kopsudest kui viimane pisar leidis oma tee mööda mu põske maapinnani

see on meie ühine vabadus

mälestused

nendes me ei vanane

neid võtta ei saa keegi

[eccedentesiastintheclouds]

the rope

you handed me the rope

and quite clearly may i say

told me my time was up

i just stared at it

debating whether or not

i should take the hint

then suddenly

as if even shyly

i saw my shaky hands rising

i couldn't control the actions

i couldn't stop myself

i wanted to scream

i wanted to run away

away from what i knew was coming

then all of a sudden

my hands released the rope

they released my enemy

and i hugged myself

so hard i could've sworn i heard the bones crack

i wouldnt let go of myself

the tears started falling

not due to being sad or scared

but because i was happy

and thankful for my mind for finding that little piece of hope and happiness

for giving me another chance

and i smiled

the smile turned into chucking which turned into full laughter

and in that moment i knew

i knew i was going to be okay

because i had found myself

[eccedentesiastintheclouds]

e s c a p e

I think I need to take off for a while

To where?

That I do not know

maybe to the sea or

to a field outside of town

But I need to get into my car one day

blast the best kind of music

and just drive away

from this town

this place

these people

these people that have made me into this horrible person

who Appears from time to time

I want to be good

make great decisions

and be happy

But it doesn’t always work

So that’s why one night I’m going to get in my car

blast my escape playlist

and drive off to a beach

to look at the stars

to dream about being one of them

to be free

to be me

[eccedentesiastintheclouds]

the sea

the sea speaks more honestly

to those who are willing to drown

how do i know it?

because i have seen it

i have felt it

the last time i went to the beach alone

i nearly drowned

i heard the waves talking to me

soothing me

assuring me that everything was going to be okay

it was hard to believe

when everything comes crashing down

it is hard to believe

i was sitting on sand

watching the stars appear one by one

i started thinking about everything that was wrong

one thought at a time

i felt myself sinking deeper

deeper into my thoughts and the past

tears started to well up

and suddenly i heard the waves telling me to let my mind run freely

and that's exactly what i did

but my mind wasnt the only thing i had released

i had also released the niagara falls of my tears

but i felt better

and no, the waves were not speaking to me directly

they were just there

coming and going

and thats what i wanted to do

to come and go as i please

so i took my first step towards the waves

and another

and another

and suddenly i was underwater

i could hear the waves telling me to move higher

towards the oxygen

but i did not want it

the water hugged me and pushed me back to the shoreline

and then i realized that i wasnt supposed to die

but the water and the waves gave me a new life

a new chance

to breathe.