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26805-15926
sometimes i think about just walking out the door no warning no long explanations just booking the first flight watching the city disappear beneath the clouds like i was never here at all
id land somewhere warm where the air smells like salt and mangoes and sunsets bleed slow over the horizon where nobody knows my history and every hello is a first hello
id stay in a room with windows that never close let the wind spill over my skin at night wake up to sunlight on the walls and the sound of waves arguing gently with the shore id wear loose linen that smells faintly of sunscreen and spend hours watching strangers laugh while i eat something i cant pronounce
id buy dresses that catch the wind let my hair go wild and laugh at things without thinking about whos listening id eat breakfast barefoot let days blur together and only answer questions if i felt like it
id learn to walk slower to let my shoulders drop to sip drinks that taste like they belong to the ocean id watch my reflection change not into someone new but into the person i was always supposed to be before the noise got too loud
maybe id stay long enough to forget what my voice sounds like in apology long enough to only remember the version of me who wakes up light and unshaken
and one day maybe id come back bronze-skinned eyes full of other skies laughing in a way that makes people wonder where ive been and what ive seen
or maybe i wouldnt come back at all because the ocean would know my name and the horizon would feel more like home
so if one day i vanish without a word know its because i chose myself first
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11825
i wear this smile like armor so good, so tight you鈥檇 never guess what鈥檚 hiding behind it you鈥檇 never know the weight of pretending the weight of this the weight of me
i鈥檓 so damn good at this so goddamn good at telling you i鈥檓 fine that somewhere along the way i started to believe it too started to think that maybe just maybe i was okay but i wasn鈥檛 i鈥檓 not but you鈥檒l never know because i鈥檓 good at hiding good at playing the role of someone who鈥檚 got it all together when i鈥檓 falling apart inside piece by piece bit by bit
but the cracks are showing now the mask is starting to slip and i鈥檓 so tired so fucking tired of holding it all up of pretending of acting like i鈥檓 okay when every step feels like dragging a thousand pounds behind me when every smile feels like a lie i can鈥檛 remember how to stop telling
you see me laughing but you don鈥檛 hear the silence in the spaces between the quiet screams in my head the ones no one will ever hear because i鈥檝e gotten so good at pretending i almost forget that the real me is buried underneath the act but i can鈥檛 keep this up forever i can鈥檛 fake it much longer i feel it in my bones the weight of it the exhaustion of being something i鈥檓 not of being someone else to make you feel comfortable
but i keep my head up because that鈥檚 what you want to see the strong one the one who鈥檚 got it figured out the one who鈥檚 got it all together even when i鈥檓 barely holding on even when the cracks are spreading even when i鈥檓 so goddamn tired of pretending i鈥檓 not drowning
you don鈥檛 see me gasping for air you don鈥檛 see how i鈥檓 suffocating in all this bullshit this performance but i鈥檓 still here i鈥檓 still moving i鈥檓 still smiling and you still think i鈥檓 fine
but i鈥檓 breaking i鈥檓 breaking i鈥檓 breaking and you鈥檒l never know until i can鈥檛 fake it anymore until the mask finally shatters and i have to face myself and everything i鈥檝e hidden and all the lies i鈥檝e told to get through another day.
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i peeled back my mind like old wallpaper layer after layer of thoughts i didn鈥檛 ask for somewhere beneath the static i found a voice that sounded like mine but raw and laughing
i didn鈥檛 fall apart i dismantled on purpose to see what was underneath the silence the performance the pretending
now i鈥檓 twitching to the rhythm of my own bad decisions nothing makes sense and i adore it i am godless lawless and entirely my own
i tried to behave but the vibes took the wheel and i鈥檓 driving straight into the surreal
this isn鈥檛 madness it鈥檚 a language no one taught me how to speak so i screamed it painted it on the walls let it dance until it made sense
my mind is a cathedral of chaos and every cracked window still lets the light in i don鈥檛 want peace if it costs me this fire
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This is a good-bye
a good-bye to everyone and everything
for a time period i cannot specify yet
I distanced myself from everyone
and everything
I no longer text anyone first
nor keep up with socials
I need time to work on myself
to find the light again
I do what i want
when i want
how i want
I left the city
Came back to the countryside
So no one could see me
I have made friends with nature
they understand my silenced words
they see something in me
I go hiking almost every day
the winds calm me in my ears
the river waters flow through my body
the night skies reflect my truth in the stars
they are everything I embody
I have learned how to breathe
I have been taught how to understand the woods
I have found peace
I no longer have to prove myself
to anybody else besides myself
I'm setting fires to my insides for fun
to see which ones cause a disaster
hurting to discover what cannot be undone
nature, that is what I have mastered
So this is my goodbye
I will be gone
for some time
only returning once i have found my purpose
and my peace
i will come back
and conquer the world
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past, present, future
what do we get from the past
besides life lessons
i have made peace with my past
cause that's something i cant change
i regret nothing
cause as a wise man once said
its exactly what i wanted at one time
so regretting something that happened a long time ago
would be doubting myself
and i wont do that
intrust myself with my whole heart
cause i am the only one who actually knows myself
the way my brain works
and what's going on deep inside me
i'm focused on the present
everything that's going on right now
so i can take everything from this exact moment
the present turns into past in seconds
and we cannot get it back
so i take my time to live in the moment
to live, laugh and most importantly
to love
myself
14.01.20// i'm me.
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the walk
i was walking through the forest
slowly
one step
and then another
reminiscing about the past
the good times
back when i was younger
more foolish, yes
but still so carefree and reckless
the moon was lighting up my way
the small path between the trees
i could see the city lights
never leaving my side
i felt so light
and i felt happy
i remembered one night a few summers back
when i was walking next to the shoreline
and this feeling of calmness came over me
like i finally knew my place
who i am and what i want
i felt the love for myself
i stopped on a hill
to watch the city and the starry sky above it
i took a few deep breaths
and continued walking
listening to my favourite song
and thinking about how amazing this life really is
high walks with my soul // 30.12.20
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i'm sitting at the park
watching the smoke that's coming from my cigarette
listening to my favorite songs
feeling the sun on my face
and i can't stop my eyes from closing
i can't keep the smile from my face
this is what it feels to be happy and free
when you find yourself smiling
without a reason
walking down these unfamiliar streets
exploring new places
getting lost in them
but still feeling invincible
i wholeheartedly believe in happiness now
and i hope everyone finds what makes them happy
i hope they find themselves
go and leave your home, town, country
run
run as far as you want
find yourself
it is worth it
rooftop hours
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the world is gray
the world is gray sometimes
at least it used to seem like that
but i guess i realized lately that
its gray all the time
my world
is gray
like someone said
some nights im Van Goghs Starry Night
but the others im his suicide letter
and it feels like im rarely the starry night nowadays
i think i lost the spark in me
the spark that i spent so much time looking for
its gone
a g a i n
and i know i have to find it again
cause i want to see the world as it is
in its real colors
i will find it
and i will see those colors again
once i have healed
it is not going to happen yet but soon
soon i will find myself again
10.08.20//1:42am
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i just feel like
like
i don't know
everything is happening so suddenly
i can't keep up
a few days ago i was at home
in my own bed
and now i'm traveling in a foreign country
with the only purpose of finding myself
i find myself wondering
how would it be to live here
these cities seem perfect
but i'm just a bypasser
i don't know the pain, the flaws nor troubles that they bring with them
and that makes me think
maybe thats how it is with people as well?
an old man told me about his first heart break today
i felt sorry for him
until he told me he was glad and grateful
i was fascinated by his story
but i understood him
we had something in common
we both had escaped from our demons
he moved to this town from a totally different country
and i just traveled to the exact same country
with similar problems
and similar hopes
just 50 years later
so i feel like
like
i don't know
what i do know is that if he had his happy ending
then maybe i can have mine as well
27.02.19
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vahel m玫tlen
m玫tlen, et oleks v玫inud sind kohata hiljem
m玫nel teisel hetkel oma elus
盲kki siis oleks k玫ik parem
kergem
v玫i hoopiski r玫玫msam
samas olen veendunud,
et k玫ik juhtub p玫hjusega omal ajal
nii nagu ette on n盲htud
k玫ik tunded, 玫ppetunnid ja valu
ma poleks see, kes olen
kui poleks olnud sind
just sel hetkel
jah, on valus
aga see valu h盲盲bub
see valu 玫petab
ehk kohtume tulevikus
ja oleme 眉ksteisele 玫iged
parandame
toetame
kasvame
ehk kohtume tulevikus
ja saame aru, et 玫iget polegi
v盲hemalt mitte meile
v玫i meie 眉ksteisele
ehk ei kohtugi
kuid olen 玫nnelik, isegi t盲nulik
just nende kuude eest
ait盲h sulle
k眉ll aeg teab, mis on 玫ige
mis korduma peab
ja mis ununeb
ait盲h, et olid
ja l盲ksid
26/02/2020//00:58
rooftop hours
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now
now is the moment
the moment i've been waiting for my entire life
when i can say im truly happy
i am walking outside with the brightest smile
i have found myself
i have found the happiness in me
sitting on this rooftop
looking down on the city
loving the city lights
loving life
and nothing
i mean n o t h i n g
can ruin this amazing feeling
that's inside me
i know what i want
and its beautiful
the smile will never leave
because i am happy
and that's the way it has to be
and will be
03.02.2019//19:32
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i died in tears today
and i was free
not in the way you are thinking
i found myself
the messy part of me died
i know what i want
where i want
how i want
and no one can take these thoughts from me
because it's not a physical thing
its a feeling
in its purest form
it's an indescribable thing to feel
you cannot put it in words
but you can sense it
in your bones
head
and most importantly
in your heart
and that's something no one can take
you're free
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what's the meaning of life
what is the true meaning of life?
there is no answer to that
because the answer is dissimilar
everyone needs to find their own explanation
i think that everyone needs to find their own meaning for life
and one cannot find the answer
if they haven't managed to find themselves first
the answer is deep down in our hearts
but we must work on ourselves to find it
and the sad truth is
that not everyone will be able to find it
they will continue floating amongst us
either trying too hard to find it
or dying slowly because they have given up
but i hope
that everyone finds their reason
before their time is up
so they could feel invincible
to feel a l i v e
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questions
my life is a mystery
i want to ask so many questions
but there is no point now is there?
if the questions would result in both of us hurting
i need reassurance
i need to be told exactly how things are
but life is life right?
nothing can never truly be in your favor
we all die in the end
maybe we should start asking the real questions
why live our lives in doubt and confusion
i am going to get hurt anyways
either by overthinking
or because of the answers
so why not ask them and get it over with
once you get the truth
you can either continue
or you can move on
either way it will be better for you to know
so from now on
i am not going to hesitate no more
my questions need to be heard
and answered
i am the fucking queen of my own life
and i dont tolerate shit anymore
be honest
or get the fuck out
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i am not real, i made myself up
im not real, i made myself up
and thats no joke
lately i have found myself thinking
am i real?
is this who i am?
or is this who i want to be seen as?
the truth is
i am not sure anymore
i try so hard
to be who everyone expects me to be
i smile
i laugh
i joke around
but do i really want to do it?
or am i doing it because thats normal to the others
am i hiding my pain and emptiness
am i hiding it behind a mask?
im not real
i made myself up
i made up a perfectly normal, funny and positive person
but that's not who i am
theres pain in me
anger in me
lots of self doubt and anxiety
the panic attacks are killing me on a daily basis
but no one knows about them
they only see a happy girl
a girl who is there for everyone
a girl who puts the others before her
all
the
time
and that's not okay
i have to make myself count
it's time to lose the mask
its time to become happy
for real
not just to please everyone else
so that one day i can say
i am real, i haven't made myself up
19.02.19//1:24am
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to the moon and never back
last night i was laying in bed
staring at the ceiling
imagining there were stars
the whole night sky
i dreamt of traveling through space and time
getting further and further from home
the second i closed my eyes
i could feel myself floating through the universe
i dreamt of planets far away
of endless constellations
i could feel the calmness crawling into me
touching me with its soft hands
everything would've been dark around me
but the stars
and planets
they were lighting up my way
i floated through space
dreaming about getting away
i felt good
i felt amazing
to the moon and never back i said
lucky are the people who have been up there
they've seen the world from a totally different point of view
i opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling
to the moon and never back is what i want to do
i am going to find my moon in my life
the happiness
the calmness
and i'm never coming back to this point in my life
this will all be in the past one day
just a faint memory
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ma jooksin
meeleheitlikult, et sind veel k盲tte saada
ma teadsin, et peatudes j盲盲n sinust ilma
ma jooksin ja jooksin
n盲gin veel su varju, mis ei lasknud lootusel kaduda
l玫puks sa peatusid
ise
vaatasid mulle oma kurbade silmadega otsa
justkui vabandades
haarasin su enda embusesse ja lubasin mitte ealeski lahti lasta
kui kord l玫puks su silmadesse pilgu heitsin
siis sa lihtsalt naeratasid
enda silmad sama m盲rjad kui minu
kuulsin kaugusest teiste h盲盲li
m玫istsin, et ainus viis sind endaga igavesti hoida
on sind lahti lasta
ma jooksin
ja jooksin
sina 眉hes suunas
mina teises
andsime m玫tteis lubaduse
j盲盲da 眉ksteise m盲lestustesse
isegi kui oleme 眉ksteisest lahti lasknud
oleme ikka koos
l玫puks ma peatusin, et kord veel tagasi vaadata
siin on vana k眉眉n
m盲lestusi t盲is nagu minu pea
ahmisin 玫hku nii kui suutsin
hapnik kadus mu kopsudest kui viimane pisar leidis oma tee m枚枚da mu p玫ske maapinnani
see on meie 眉hine vabadus
m盲lestused
nendes me ei vanane
neid v玫tta ei saa keegi
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