echoaether

[echoaether]

“One of the hardest parts of life is deciding whether to walk away or try harder”

— Unknown

[echoaether]

“  Flowers and Plants   ”

Photo by Ishikoro. Japan.

Love & Peace!

[echoaether]

i don’t really like to post much on the internet. not my face, nor my thoughts. i’ve conditioned myself to only consume the media i find on social platforms. it’s a strange feeling, really. sort of existing but not entirely.

i’m normally not in the best of moods. i genuinely try to be, but much of the time i have a hard time. i would likely blame it on my neurodivergence but the truth is that my life has been less than enjoyable in the past couple of years. i still try to convince myself it could somehow be worse.

my mother found out she had cancer. she and my father moved across the country after the fact to be near my sister and her daughter. i could have chosen to be bitter about it. maybe a small part of me is. i’m not entirely sure anymore.

on their way there, they got into a horrible accident. still not sure how they made it out alive, to be honest, but i am grateful. i couldn’t take it though.

fast forward to about 5 months later and i am receiving multiple calls and texts from my severely depressed mother who can’t stop telling me about how miserable she is over there. my dad is much more reserved about his feelings but i could tell he missed being here.

it’s been about a year and a half now. they seem happier. i’m genuinely glad, and yet some kind of bitterness still lingers there. not sure why. my mind keeps making up things like “you were just never that important to them.” i know it’s not true, so why do i feel like it is sometimes?

after my parents accident last year, my best friend decided i was far too troubled and that being in emotional distress during an extremely stressful period in my life was too much. we stopped talking. in fact, it had been over a year and one month when i finally just grew tired of feeling like i was barred from saying anything and told him happy birthday. it was weird because he responded nicely and i suddenly had much less desire to talk to him. i don’t know what that is about.

perhaps the passing of another close friend i had lost touch with sort of got to me. the way he passed was not accidental. i knew for all the years that i had known him that he was severely depressed. somehow i still couldn’t bring myself to send a text despite how much i thought about him prior to finding out he had passed.

perhaps that was the influence to text my old best friend. but everything feels so formal and stiff now. i have every desire to be friends with the person i knew but i don’t believe that is who i will get anymore, if i’m honest. i guess i have to find a way to be okay with simply being on okay terms and move on. dwelling only makes me feel more resentful.

at this point, days go by, and i just exist. my husband is wonderful and i love him. he is really the one thing that keeps me going at times. even still, i can’t help but to find myself thinking about how i am not sure i can continue to bear living for 50+ more years. i’m already tired and i hate that i have to make effort just to continue living.

the thought of my heartbroken husband keeps me from doing anything drastic. i hope i never lose such sentiments.

dad is coming to visit at the end of the month. he keeps saying he can’t wait but acts bored out of his skull when he is here. i want to be excited but i feel a bit overwhelmed. i’m glad i get to see him but any time one of my parents comes down i feel like i have to pause my entire life.

it’s almost like i have been conditioned to make everyone else’s comfort and well-being my problem since a young age.

unlocking awful memories of my mother coming home drunk and me wanting nothing to do with her. writing has a way of reminding you of things you wanted to forget, but are necessary for navigating life’s hardships.

but really, i’m just tired of coping. i just want to enjoy life. why is everything so hard?