echoes0famausoleum - Tumblr blog

[echoes0famausoleum]

Andrea Gibson, Lord of the Butterflies

[echoes0famausoleum]

Andrea Gibson, Lord of the Butterflies

[echoes0famausoleum]

Sometimes I feel like I need to be muzzled

To guard others from teeth that gnash and a tongue like a saber

Sometimes I feel like I need to be restrained

Chained and cuffed to be kept away

Sometimes I feel like a monster

[echoes0famausoleum]

Love is transactional...at least thats what i learned

I enjoyed the sex but it was definitely in part because it felt like I was doing somethingright...i was safe

I was accepted

[echoes0famausoleum]

[echoes0famausoleum]

Things ive noticed

I dont understand depth. Depths of relationships

How much is too much

How much is too little

I feel like im constantly missing the mark

Also

Im still surprised when people miss me. The good news is that my answer is not a shocked ❗️Over my head now I ask why which I guess is a slight improvement. Maybe it's just a lateral move. I don't know. 

[echoes0famausoleum]

"If the pain was deep, you will have to let it go many times." - Yung Pueblo

[echoes0famausoleum]

[echoes0famausoleum]

You ever feel like you are on a precipice?

Not an actual one but a line

A boundary

And youve fought so hard to not succumb to the rich, inky ichor

Temptation bubble up to the surface

To hold you

Whispering platitudes to keep you warm, loved, safe

So i close my eyes

Spread my arms wide

And drown in it

[echoes0famausoleum]

Lines for future poem

My body was a crime scene

Exposed analyzed examine

More data than human

My body is sacred

Murals faded and restored

Weather worn floors from empty prayers

Censer gone cole scents faded with the wind

[echoes0famausoleum]

Dont think too late

It'll cause problems

A switch flipped

Boxed away for myself

Don't reach too deep inside

Be wary of what you cut your teeth on

[echoes0famausoleum]

Today's gender is Ghost

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The sad realisation that you're not actually a quiet person, you have just been forced and shamed into hiding your entire personality and expressing joy.

[echoes0famausoleum]

I cant remember the last happy dream I had

I dream of chaos and violence

Of saving people and candles burning low

Last night was no different

Saving children and friends from a creature

Watching cargo ships destroy a bridge

Helping children climb to safety

And all the while these candles appear

With wicks past trimming height

And still I let them burn

[echoes0famausoleum]

I have this dream sometimes that Im standing atop a tower, and theres there huge Hollywood spotlights on me. Theres a crowd beneath, i can't tell what they are saying. The wind stealing their voices long before it reaches me.

Music plays, I don't know why. It feels like a performance

It's not.

I don't jump, there is no flourish.

I spread my arms and lean

Teetering and letting gravity go

And as the wind rushes past me

I smile, feeling more alive than ever.

It feels like an invitation...a homecoming.

I never know how I land

I only exist in free fall

[echoes0famausoleum]

And if I fade away

Let me fade away

[echoes0famausoleum]

I finally figured out how I see myself in the world i mean at least for now.

I feel like the new kid in school. Eager to make new friends. I bring shiny click-clacks and baked goodies which are eagerly accepted and then ...thats it.

I notice already formed groups of friends and I float aimlessly between them like a rouge electron. Bound to none. I try to engage, to involve myself the way I was taught but I can never get quite close enough to be a part of it.

And then recess comes and its beautiful chaos. Kids laughing and screaming and playing and I think THIS! This is my chance!

How naïve.

For I dont know the schoolyard games. I don't know the jokes. And my classmates want to play so they don't have the patience to teach me. So I try to follow along but theres almost always a misstep, a gap. Something lost in translation

So instead I just try again...again and again

And now I worry that they hate me, that they find me annoying and Im stuck in flux of trying and being afraid to try

Fun revelation on this Tuesday morning