echomagnolia-blog

[echomagnolia-blog]

Roadblocks and Small Change

Hello again my friend. This week has been quite the roller coaster. I have learned who my true friends are and lost some along the way. I have often this week found myself wondering if this were always the case and I am simply starting to see it. I would not have survived this week without my Red Tub Family.

I was discouraged at the start of this week. Then I realized that change is slow. Just because I had made the decision to start my journey didn't mean it would change over night. A great man once said, "Nothing in life should be jarring, it should be a smooth transition." It made complete sense. I realized in that moment that is exactly why i have failed at this journey so many times before. I tried to hard too fast.

I looked at my PMA journal in which I'm planning and tracking this journey to relay here. It was already growing full of lists and goals, schedules and ideas. Shortly after my realization something unexpected occured. A friend whom i considered close began to show this very blog around. I know they likely meant well, but I'm baring my soul in these words and I panicked. It was too much too fast. This started a two day long series of unfortunate events that spirled downward quickly.

I asked them why they did what they did. They only replied with anger. I lost a friend that day. But i gained several more. Quite a few people came to my aide. One in particular, Jani, stayed with me the entire day with me chatting, making sure I didn't stray to dark thoughts. Bless him, he kept me sane. Even now He still chats with me every day quickly becoming a trusted friend and ally.

On Thursday evening I couldn't sleep. Normally on those nights I will simply toss and turn or stare at my ceiling. This time I rearranged my office. I cleaned, scrubbed, move things, vacuumed, and got rid of a lot of old junk. Looking at my freshly done office reinvigorated me. Small changes. That is what i need.

"Just one small thing doesnt seem like alot, One small thing work with the time you've got, Soon one small thing becomes two, after two perhaps another few, Then one small thing is not so small, One small thing can be the biggest thing of all." -Daniel Ingram

Pacing seems to be the trick. One small thing at a time. I know I have made a lot of quotes in this entry, which may seem like fluff but they really arent. Each one of them holds a key to my journey. I'll insert one last one here I heard from a Military Sargeant doing a speech, I do wish i could remember his name. "If you want to change the world start by making your bed. Even if thats the only thing you do in one day, you will at least have a made bed to come home to." I think that is a valid point. One thing can change more than you think. Even the simple task of moving my desk and decluttering made me feel free and highly accomplished. This is my task for the next week, to do one small thing a day. Even if it seems simple or silly, if I can do at least something, one change a day, then I know I can do this to the end.

I have a long road ahead of me, and though i hit a roadblock this week, I had people come to me to not push me over it themselves, but to help my go over it myself. They didn't just say "Okay youve got this." They patiently listened to me say things like "i should just delete the blog" or "maybe this was a mistake". None of them discouraged or enocouraged me either way. Just supported me until i realized one event shouldn't stop my journey.

"When Do you feel lonely?"

- I feel lonely most often times in the evenings. When I am sitting in the silence of my home and drinking tea with no one to talk to aloud, lost in my own thoughts. When i have no one to open up to or even just chat about my day before retiring to bed. That's when it hits me hardest.

"What fears are you facing?"

-This blog itself is a huge fear. Opening my soul and faults to anyone who may read it. Challenging myself to change my ways of daily life. Even to branch out and try new things or new ways of doing things. I'm in the scariest part of my life so far, but it's so important I have to push through. Nothing worth having is ever easy.

"Are your habits healthy?"

-...No they aren't. I don't sleep well, and i certainly don't eat well. I dont even exercise though i've had a gym membership for a year. Im currently reading different articles and books on nutrition and talking to a personal trainer to find a routine that will work best for me. As far as the sleeping, I'm trying my best to go to sleep at the same time each night. Though these things will take time to change.

I will leave this entry here, I do hope my friend, if you are reading along my journey, that you are doing well. That your life is okay and you are healthy. If not, Maybe one day you'll start a journey of your own, or maybe you are even on a journey with me. All the same, I wish you the best.

With the Warmest Regards,

Echo

[echomagnolia-blog]

Made a thing. Perfect? No. But I like it. #pma https://www.instagram.com/p/BrDiPQoF1JW/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=irvbpe4mnupj

[echomagnolia-blog]

The Journey Begins

I don’t think my real name matters much for this. Most call me Echo these days. In my heart of hearts I know this Blog will be one the most important things I have done in my life.

This is very important; SPECIAL NOTE: Some things in this Blog may be hard to read, may be triggering for some or may make you uncomfortable. I am NOT here to get sympathy. I am NOT here to get views or anything of the sort. I am doing this for ME. If I should get people who read this, welcome, I thank you kindly for sharing my journey. If I do not, it does not matter. I feel I must do this.

I want to make a few things clear before I begin. This will be a long journey for me. To help keep me on my path I have chosen to share this here. At times it will seem like I am being harsh on myself or using self hatred. This is not the case. I want to be honest with myself. I want to dig deep down and really learn who I am.

The truth is I'm unhappy with my life. I really don't know who I am. Sure I know my morals and hobbies, likes and dislikes. But I don't know who I really am. I know that may not make sense, but I feel its true. I'm unsatisfied with how I live my life. It's unfulfilling and purposeless. I have been merely surviving by doing the bare minimum and sometimes less.

What does that mean? I have no sleep schedule. I sometimes go days without eating due to forgetting or simply not having the willpower to do so. I don't shower as much as I should for the same reasons. Gross I know but very true. Nothing will be held back in these entries. I know I don't take care of myself. And that needs to change.

This blog with be my "Positive Mental Attitude" Journey. Some of you out there will be familiar with PMA. That, dare I say movement, is what prompted this idea to begin with. For a long time I have been putting this off. I never started yet promoted PMA.

Recently I met a wonderful group of people, who go by the "Red Tub Family". I know that sounds weird, those out there who recognize this title will know where it came from and why. I will not name it, as its not my creation to share. These people welcomed me with open arms and very extremely kind and caring souls. They made me realize some very important things and gave me a new found drive.

I am determined to see this through. How can I promote PMA if I don't live it? The time for change is now. No more "tomorrows", no more "one day"s, NOW. In this blog I will get to know who I am, log my journey, state my goals and desires, and hopefully one day I will be able to properly introduce myself to anyone who may be reading.

To help me on this journey, I went to the almighty Pintrest and collected journal prompts. A very close person to me is helping me choose three of these questions each time I blog. Some of these questions are deep. Some are silly. Some are learning myself or just talking about life. They will always be at the end of each entry. As time goes, if anyone who may read this, Please feel free to leave questions. I might answer them one day. This first blog there is one bonus question. One I selected. I will start off with it.

"What is your vision for the next year?"

-Over the next year I want to rebuild who I am. Next year I turn 30 on December 21st. When I turn 30 I want to be healthier, happier and live the best life I can. No matter what it takes. No matter what I must change. This WILL happen. It MUST happen. I can not continue to live this way. I am on a path of self destruction via doing the bare minimum. And one day its going to catch up with me in a bad way. I do not want to die knowing i wasting my life away scraping by doing as little as I could. The following questions were the ones chosen by the person helping me to start this by giving me endless support.

"Are you an Introvert or and Extrovert?"

-This is a hard question for me, as it really depends. When i first meet people or in my normal daily life I am extremely introverted. I like to stay home and I never initiate conversation. I keep my eyes down, headphones on, and keep moving. But after a while as i get to know people I am one of the most bubbly people around. I'll start discussions and talk as much as allowed with those close to me. This very project, this PMA Blog, is a huge challenge to my introverted tendencies.

"What are you passions?"

-I'm not entirely sure what passion means in this sense. I mean I do, but its kind of a hard question. I have things that give me that feeling, that excited feeling where your arm hair stands and you feel this fire inside that nothing can tamper. For me, that is mostly music. Not all music but certain kinds. The kind where you can feel it in your bones. Where the notes wrap around you and you have to close your eyes form the sheer joy of the sound.

Then again I have things where i could discuss them for hours upon hours never growing tired. Like books or movies with great effects or soundtracks.

I also have things that I could do for hours on end and feel nothing but peace and calm in my soul. An example of this is walking through the woods, gardening, or crocheting. I am not sure if all of these are passions or just simply hobbies.

"What book are you reading?"

-Once again, I have gravitated back to "Rose Madder" By Stephen King. It holds a very special place in my heart for reasons I am not ready to share here. I could read it over and over. My copy is frayed with a well broken in spine and so many highlighted passages and notes written in the margins. Easily hands down one my absolute favorite novels.

With those answered and my intentions spoken of, I am going to leave this entry here. I am not sure how often I will update this, Sometimes it may be more, but I will update at least once a week. If you are reading this I thank you so much for your time. Until next time.

With the Warmest Regards Echo