eclecticdelusionmachine

[eclecticdelusionmachine]

A letter

Thinking of you wherever you are.

These feelings will never reach you, distance is least of the reasons why. My words were not allowed in your presence, But you cant hear them now.

You had a heart, but it was raised to end submersed in hate. The days I’d hide in my bedroom closet I wondered “Who damaged you, Why damage the ones who care?” It was by stupid chance that we were brought into your world of anger. By stupid chance.

In flickers, you showed gentleness I was expected to reciprocate. It was naive to hope these moments were more than just fleeting inspirations. I knelt down and played the part, desperate to receive another of those infrequent smiles. 

I only write what comes next knowing you cant reach me any longer and I will be long gone before these words ever escape my lips.

My skin crawls at the memory.

The day I wished death upon you - Your car swerved out into a precipice , a splintered tree trunk an inch away from piercing your chest - I was only 14, convulsing from ecstasy. Chance tuned into my desire.I had conjured the accident. Yet as quickly as one rises to a high, once it wears off, you come crashing down into the reality of what you’ve done.

Alone wrapped in guilt, on the far corner of my bedroom closet I whispered “There is nothing worse than hate” Since then I tolerated you, like a splinter under a nail, eating away at my joy and sanity.

The only solution to this pain was to cope.

There are no happy endings—only acceptance, drugs, and therapy.

You left too soon to give closure, as if you would have ever allowed that. So anger and love continue, barring teeth across a chain link fence. Life continues, death continues.

Worms feed on your flesh as it rots, their movement aerates the ground, leaving the grass to feed on the rays of the sun and the flow of the water. Here in the ground by the river, is where ill find you.

Your anger was pure, your love was pure. Your existence molded me and keeps doing so. It festers.There is enough resentment in my heart to know…this isn’t living. So I try to forgive and try to forget, but I probably never will.

I may at least promise. 

I Won’t ever do what you did to me…to anyone…ever again.

[eclecticdelusionmachine]

Poem #1 Draft #1- Part 1

We meet only to part

Synapses fire up the sense-less memory,

Eye of Heaven beating over us

On the enchanted island.

New kid-new Man- that towered over  all drones and order and responsibility, 

I masterminded our first contact Yet you took 

the rein

Seven at dawn, meeting in public - herding me to the corner free of meddlesome looks. Hands rolling up your sleeves 

Tributaries sliding across  pulsating veins

 face full of calm- this meant everything

Don’t confess …. No, it was Bound to crumble.

This was the situationship,   words saying the most by speaking the least - grabbing fingers one after the other placed firmly on your chest and then waiting for the recoil.

Impatience grew into 

And the confession leaked 

The response,a non judgemental gaze - cold exterior but a mushy tender centre.                                  I monopolised.

Every Second.

Every piece

 a gift from the Eye. illuminated you.

It ceased to exist the moment the winds made landfall

The eye closed itself and its blessing with it.

We met just to end.