eddievansick

[eddievansick]

[eddievansick]

[eddievansick]

Kamala Harris for President

Q: But what does she stand for?

A: So she can reach the mic at the podium

[eddievansick]

Ralph and Ed from The Honeymooners dressed as Eyetalians in Italy!

Am I offended? Fuck no! I think it’s fucking hilarious!!!!

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[eddievansick]

Alice Kramden : [to Norton] Ed, I realize that I cannot talk to Ralph because he is stubborn and unreasonable, but I've always had great respect for your sense of fair play, and so I appeal to you. IT IS LATE. People would like to go to sleep. I think you should stop playing the piano. And I know that you will agree with me, Ed, because you have always been fair and considerate. You are a reasonable man.

Ralph Kramden : Don't let her soft-soap you. Don't let her soft-soap you! You're just as unreasonable as I am. Play the piano!

Alice Kramden : If you touch that piano again, I'll lose all my respect for you!

Ralph Kramden : [threateningly] Go ahead and play, Norton, if you don't wanna lose my friendship!

Ed Norton : Well, I'm in a spot. If I play, I lose her respect; if I don't play, I lose your friendship.

[anguished wail]

Ed Norton : Why, oh why was I blessed with this musical talent?

[eddievansick]

No joke left behind

I had just begun to start my latest comeback. And I do TikToks and send them to Instagram too, but I try not to do anything on Facebook because of all the hackers and Facebook's constant desire NOT to do anything about hackers or cloned accounts. I have some content on YouTube too, but I have either been working way too many hours just to survive, so comedy wasn't possible for the 10 or so years. But I was doing good back in the day and with about 1000 followers I was on my way to making it. But I got hurt at work and the government had different plans for my life, basically to end it, but I'm not gonna get into that right now. Maybe later tho.

So I came up with an idea. I was gonna pool all my jokes, new and old, together, make a list, and get back out there. But money gets tight and Im struggling with a few injuries that caused my early retirement, so I decided to do albums. All the jokes about my son on one album (which I planned to do for a few years), then all my taxi jokes, complete with all the jokes about my gps girlfriend, Samantha (I still miss her. Every time a use my phones gps I think about her), and then all the "crazy" jokes, which basically covers everything.

But as I dove into my project I started to relive the past 12 years of my life, and I didn't realize that was gonna happen. Its depressing. You have no idea how depressing.

My plan was to go through a list that an old girlfriend made for me when I first started doing comedy. Then to go through both my phones for jokes I texted and sent, or didn't send, then go through all my emails. Then I was gonna go through my Facebook and all other social media sites for all those jokes. And of course all my TikTok and Instagram. But when I got to the Facebook it all hit me. I had deleted my first 3-4 Facebook sites, mainly because of all the hackers on Facebook and the silencing of political truth and their extreme far left agenda, but the last one I took screenshots of so I didn't lose the content. Some were jokes, some were memories. And not all the memories were good. Especially the last 11 years.

And i'm ocd so when I save something on the pc, or send a joke or another writing, i usually send it to more than 1 other source, and sometimes to 4 other sources. Then I move it and save it again so I don't lose it. Then I use it again and save it all over, and repeat what I see is a vicious cycle. Some things I had saved almost 2 dozen times and now I was reliving the last 12 years of my life almost 2 dozen times. And it was depressing.

So I came up with a better idea. I'll write a book. It'll start with all the jokes about my son in chronological order, then go to the taxi and work related jokes, most of which have never been written before, but yep I got them, then the rest of my life, which is basically what I write about because its good to write about things you know, and I know me better than anyone else I know. I've been me for over 60 years now and, well, nobody does it better. It's not easy being me, don't get it wrong. In fact its torture sometimes, but I gotta be me, nobody does it better. I got experience like I said. In fact, one time at one job, as we were leaving for union negotiations, a manager joked, "so who is gonna be you now Ed?" And I told her, "well Patty, you can give it it try, but I wouldn't suggest it, not for a minute. Its not easy. Its tough." When we got back from the union vote I asked her, "so how was it?' And she said she didn't last 5 minutes, so I said "i told you so" and we all laughed. Why THEY were laughing I cant tell you. Its not easy being me.

Then from the book I will have a guide for recording the albums, and put everything on TikTok and Instagram. With the book I can do the sitcom and the movie, then do other movies and shows and be rich and famous all for about 6-12 months before I get hit by a truck or die some other way, and become a household name like Heath Ledger or James Dean, and have people cry at my funeral like they ever knew me, and visit my grave and leave their panties, and on and on and on.

But now its time to get serious again about writing. If I make it great, if not oh well. Even now my great-great-great-great-great-great, great, great grandchildren have an inheritance from me. And Im already gonna be a cult classic at least because of my christmas song "Ghetto Hell" and as of this moment I have made a grand total of $14.24 through DistroKid for its distribution to YouTube and all the other social media and streaming services. My great-great-great-great-great-great, great, great grandchildren should be able to split at least $250 by that time. Most comedians never see earnings that high, so thank you to all my fan, and thank you to my family member, and my several other personalities. Had any of the OTHER different personalities checked out Ghetto Hell on YouTube, I would have already been at $15.00 by now, but THAT'S OK! Be that way. See if I care.

The book shall be called No Joke Left Behind

[eddievansick]

It's a new game they say. Who are "they" and what gives them the right to say these things? You know who "they" is? The Neilsons! The same people who used to decide what we watch on TV! They got laid off in the 90's too like all us white guys. Then they found a new job. They are THEY! The Neilsons are THEY!

[eddievansick]

They don't say what brand of chewing gum the stone age teens were chewing. But I would assume it's the one that blows big bubbles. I wonder where they found their samples. Maybe stuck to a classroom desk or chair.

[eddievansick]

I'm watching the Rangers vs Blue Jackets and the goalie's name sounded like Maslincoln, so I looked at the stats and googled him. He is from Latvia and spells his name Merzlikins and when I saw it I tried to wipe the dirt off the bottom of the "l" in his last name but it's how he spells it cause it's the same in 3 places in Google too.

He was leading 4-1 but didn't come back after the 2nd period and nobody knew why.

Then they announced he had a lower sprain in the "L" in his last name

[eddievansick]

I suggest a new water substitute from Bill Gates and the Gates Foundation made from recycled sewage water! Very popular in some parts of Africa! We'll name it "RAWater"

[eddievansick]

Tim Curry candidly reveals an ill-fated affair during the filming of Muppet Treasure Island (1996) with Miss Piggy.

[eddievansick]

[eddievansick]

Get your copy of “Ghetto Hell” now on all streaming services before they all sell out!

It’s a great Christmas gift, send it to all your friends and family! 

And the best part is… it’s free to send to them!

So send it to your enemies too, 1000 times or more, because… they ARE your enemies right?

AND if you get your copy of “Ghetto Hell” on your cell phone or tablet, I will PERSONALLY autograph your cell phone or tablet screen!

[eddievansick]

WalMart Has EVERYTHING

I went to Walmart cause i needed a microwave oven and a few folding chairs, the metal with padded seats ya know. And i knew Wal-Mart had them and they are open 24 hrs and Walmart got EVERYTHING so i went. And a friend went with me and we were talking. See my friend needed a kidney n he got that o type blood ya know, so donors are rare. Ya gotta wait. And he was taking to me about itand a Walmart clerk over heard us n said to my friend, "Wow I over heard n I feel so bad u suffer so long now. My uncle died of kidney failure." Then he pointed and said "kidneys are in isle 27 and the o neg blood type are on the top shelf to the left. If you need help someone should be there."And I said "WTF"

[eddievansick]

I identify as the CEO of Walgreens and I am currently suing Walgreens because I have not yet received a paycheck! I have also written my new resume and I am applying to CVS as CEO