edds-fuxking-corner - Tumblr blog

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it may also be that I fucking left the house to go on a walk w a friend two times in the span of three days instead of staying inside for ten days lmfaoo

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so. today I had an exam (electronics 1) and I literally only drew a diagram and nothing else. I knew that there was 99% chance I wouldn't write anything and just went on the off chance the exam would be ridiculously easy. After that I went to get boba w two friends and we went for a walk to the national garden. it was really nice, though I got tired and kinda shut down towards the end but I had a really good time. I feel like I am seeing everything brighter, literally and I feel kinda at ease. I also was not only able to look at the mirror but I actually liked what I saw and rn I think I'm pretty hot. I wanna start collecting data on my mood to compare the changes with my cycle bc I'm pretty sure my mood swings are hormonal. I really hope the diet and the medicine helps. anyway, this. I'm still not optimistic and cheerful and happy, but I don't think that life completely sucks, there's no reason to keep living and that I'm completely unlovable, so that's something

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I've ruined my own fucking life

I've been a fucking lazy and gluttonous fuck all my life and this lead to my insulin resistance

I've been lazy and too bored to study properly and enough and now not only do I have too many gaps but I don't know how to fucking study

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so I've been studying TDA and I feel

Well idk how I feel

rn I don't feel anything, I'm just tired

but I think I felt desperation and a bit of anger and sadness and mad at myself and mad at the professor and I wanted to leave forever

I don't know if I can do this, I really don't know. i don't know if I can understand all this shit and idk if I wanna work in a related field afterwards, even if I can find a job. I feel like i'm stuck on a corner with no way out

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I forgor to write abt it but yesterday I woke up feeling like shit most of the day and iw as really tired all day and wanted to cry and shit and ye I don't have much to write abt it bc I fucking forgot to write abt it when it happened but my memory issues keep going strong, I wanna do or search sth and the minute I stand up or open chrome I forget it and ora fucking infuriating

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me, trying to sleep:

my brain: what if you random hormonal bursts of love you get for your friends aren't bursts of love but a need to receive validation and love? what if you feel that way because you've learnt you must first tell somebody you love them for then to say it back?

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me, trying to sleep:

my brain: i think the reason we react like this when we twist our ankles isn't just because it's horrifying and it hurts but also because of how our parents reacted every time when we were kids

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also a lot of times I fantasise about hitting my parents, especially my dad, or doing/saying things to traumatise them like SHing in front of them and they kind of soothe me until i start feeling guilty

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I can't make small talk, I cant hold a conversation for more than five minutes, I'm socially undeveloped, I'm never going to be good enough for anything I'll always be a fucking loser and a burdain to everyone around me and I don't even know how to fix it

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like, I do my best in being a good friend and yes a lot of times I fail but I try so fucking hard to be there for everyone, and now I'm pretty sure that it's because I'm afraid of people leaving me, so I try to be a good friend either so they will appreciate me, so they'll find me useful or so they will feel guilty (or all three) and I feel so fucking bad. what made me feel I had to do this?? where does this stem from???? why do things from more than ten years ago I thought I had been over still affect me???? why???? why do I still act like this little ten year old that wanted everybody's attention and approval?? why???

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dear diary, it's been a while

so my doctor told me a while back I have insulin resistance and vitamin D deficiency (which explains a lot) and I'm sure sth is going on with my cycle bc I keep feeling like shit before my period. the only time I didn't feel like shit was the previous month, when I'd fixed my diet but then I got covid and food poisoning and went on vacation and now I'm back home alone and its fucked up again and idk if I have the willpower to bring it under control again especially when there aren't others around (I rlly have to look more into this shit i do, acting "proper" when others can see what I do)

so anyways that was supposed to be a catch-up but I started thinking again. now time for the venting

so one of my friends got on my nerves bc I felt like she acted bitter towards me going on vacation this specific time (I mean, these were the dates my brother was free). and I got more mad when the few times we hang out she'd message her other friends of her bf and listen to their am and answer them with her own am but when I'd send her an am and she was with her other friends she'd always tell me she can't listen to it bc she'd outside. and then she was supposed to go to the city on Tuesday so i planned to leave the earliest I could, on Wednesday, and she ended up leaving on Thursday and staying with her bf until today, when she was supposed to come to me but she ended up going back to her own house bc her brother would come back and she didn't want her folks to find out she was in the city I live. and I hate this, I feel neglected, I feel like she keeps choosing others over me, but I can't tell her anything abt it because she listens to me, she helped me when I broke down and when we thought I had covid, she started using my name and pronouns right away and she was very understanding when I came out and she's really fucking amazing and supportive and I feel like i'm asking too much already and I'm just looking at a gifted donkey's teeth

and then there's my other friend, it's also a similar situation with them. when we were hanging out the other day, after MONTHS, they kept texting to their bf but now I've send them messages since more than ten hours ago but they haven't even read them and a mutual friend has uploaded pics of them so ik they're awake and fine, they've just decided what is more important, and I guess that's not me. and I can't talk to them either abt it because they've also been really supportive and they've been there for me so long, but also because, xue to their trauma, they'd feel guilty and if what I'm feeling is true, they wouldn't admit it bc they're a people pleaser

I just want to stop talking to everyone, stop texting first and see who will text me just to text me, not to ask for help or advice or to vent. I wanna leave and be by myself, that way I can't be hurt by anyone

ye and taking abt this, today I went to get some engineering notes from a dude and after I got them I realised I hadn't registered on those two classes in which I have rlly good notes, so I can't take part in the exams, and those two exams were the only ones I was sure I'd pass, so now I have to study for the harder ones and I started getting anxious and afraid that I won't pass and I started thinking "well I won't pass anyway so why try?" and I hate this i hate this so much i wanna start studying, I wanna learn, i wanna pass my fucking classes but I'm too afraid of failure to even try and I want this to stop

also I've asked my brother if he'd belf me find a psychologist and he said yes but knowing him he'll just forget it however many times I remind him so ye what even us the point of living Lmfao most things feel just like a simulation anyway

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my friend came to visit for a few days and Friday night after going out, she went for a walk w her boyfriend and she asked me if I had a problem with her staying with him for the night instead of coming back to my home. she lives in a different city and I see her at summer, and maybe Easter and Christmas, and when she comes to see her boyfriend at the city he and I live. and she spends most time with him when she's here, and I understand her wanting to see him but during lockdown they spent about two months together in total and when she came at the city I live she stayed at him most of the time. so yesterday I told her abt this and that I didn't like it and I wanted to see her and when she came home I elaborated and I started crying bc I'd gotten anxious from other things as well (thinking abt uni and the future and me) and I cried so hard I got a headache and my teeth hurt.

yesterday I woke up with fever, we both got tested and since it was negative, she left to stay with her boyfriend in case I had sth else (though it was probably from crying, anxiety, sleeping in a cold spot and walking under the sun for hours (I even got burned. somehow.))

so today I'm much better, I just have some symptoms of pms, one of which is feeling unlovable and that my friends will leave me.

and then a friend of mine who hasn't answered yet to a message I sent her almost a week ago called me and my first thought was "oh she called to vent" because almost all of the times she calls me she calls to vent abt uni. the others are when she has to walk somewhere and wants company or when we have plans and she wants to talk abt the details. this time she needed a favour. cue me starting to feel like shit because my brain starts telling me she's not my friend and she doesn't like me etc etc.

now, there's this other friend, I haven't seen him since January I think, and I told him "hey, my friend is coming to town, if u have time hmu so we can hang out" when she came, bc I know he's writing his thesis and doesn't have time. he told me on Friday if we could go for a coffee but we had already planned other things so I asked him if he had time this weekend and he said no.

so today I open Instagram and I see one of his friends posting a pic of him and another dude om some rocks. so I start feeling more like shit, because he's told me he's busy and he doesn't have time but apparently it's jsut that I'm not important enough.

and then I look at the story of another friend who's started working and doesn't have time and energy to hang out, and she's out with a dude. and this week she's sent me pics of places she's gone with some other friends of hers.

and now I feel like literal shit. I feel like i'm just a second choice, if even that. they're all seeing their other friends and tell me they don't have time and I feel so shitty i wanna fuck i g leave them all behind, in part to just never see any of them again so they won't have the chance to leave me, and in part so they can hurt and I feel like suck a shitty person for thinking about this

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I feel like my mom hadn't been there for me growin up I know she had medical and psychological issues but she had kids, she should've been fine psychologically before having kids, she should've had it under control, but she didn't and I understand she struggled but she was rarely there and I learnt not to count on her and became less close to her and I was already not dependant on her for emotional support when she stated saying she's there for me and she loves me and SHE NEVER SAID ANY OF THOSE THINGS WHEN I WAS GROWING UP!!!! and she has encouraged me to ignore some situations so that's what I've been doing all this time and now she wants me to just snap. my magic fucking fingers and suddenly trust her but I can't trust her an di can't open up to her and I can't love her and I feel like shit because ei know other people have much worse lives and I feel like such a soiled filuxking brat for feeling like this

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I am not doing well. I can't concentrate. in nuclear physics after only half an hour I couldn't pay attention anymore and I felt like it had been MUCH longer than half an hour. During ionising radiations it was better but after the break it was hard to pay attention (though not as hard as in nuclear physics) and I kept crying. I feel like there's a weight on me, I feel tired, I feel so fucking sad and so fucking useless

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so today I woke up and wanted to sleep again but ended up just watching tik toks for hours and after a while I started crying for no reason. then my brother left and I kepg crying and then I stopped, but I wanted a bit and then of course I started crying again. I think it's because of my period yet again and I REALLY can't wait to fucking get it already, I really don't wanna go to the gynaecologist

in other news, I made noodles after having a shower. and cried. again.

I really feel like shit, I can't look at the mirror yet again and I have to distract myself with tik toks, anime and songs so won't have to think and face reality. if I stop distracting myself for even a bit I just realise that everything is real and wanna start crying again

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for years I've wanted to study particle physics and quantum mechanics and di research on it. it's been my dream for so long that not only everything else feels wrong, but I don't even know what else I would go for. I've based my whole identity around it, to the point I felt pity reading stuff I wrote when I first started having therapy. But I'm still the same for the most part. now I'm just aware of it, and I may be starting to accept it.

i know now that I didn't know what I was getting into. I thought I was informed, that I was smart, that I was going to do well. but I had no idea what the fuck it was all about. I really had no idea.

I keep thinking that maybe I made the wrong choice. maybe this isn't for me. and then I'm thinking, is this really what's happening, is it the impostor syndrome or is it just me being the classic me and giving up when things get difficult? Do I want to give up because this really isn't what I want or because it was more difficult than I thought? And I really can't answer this

I think that I just go after things and people that I know I don't have a chance with just because when I inevitably fail I'll be able to say it wasn't my fault, and if, by any miracle, I do succeed it will be a happy surprise. and I really don't like that. I do it with people, I know I do, but I just realised I may be doing this with other things as well.

I feel lost. I'm (supposedly) on the penultimate year of uni but I have no idea wtf is going on, wtf I wanna do. when I was 15 I had eeeverything planned out, I thought I did. but I didn't know anything and in my ignorance I thought I had it all under control but now I see this isn't the case. I hear abt my friends talking abt their thesis and they all have some ideas but I don't. I don't know enough about shit to have enough ideas for a thesis. and then In the first few lectures of nucleus physics and of ionising radiations I thought "oh these are nice these are interesting, i could see myself doing research on these" and I really don't know if I really do like it and want to do research or if it's the same thing as when I was in highschool, it's something I don't know about and it seems interesting. I don't know, I really don't know and I want to know, I want to have something stable I feel like i'm hanging by a strand that's about to break and I can't do this I need something stable to hold on to

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for years I've dreamt of being a scientist, of studying particle physics and doing research. but I didn't know what I was getting into. I thought I was prepared, I thought I was smart, that I could do this, but I had no idea what the real world was like. I've been trying for years to face the possibility that this isn't what I will do or what I really want to do in my life. I've built my whole identity around physics, and particularly particle physics and quantum mechanics without even understanding them. I talked about it with my ex psychologist and reading stuff I'd written during our sessions in the beginning I pittied the me of this time because this was my whole identity, while I'm still mostly the same, now I'm just aware of it and I'm starting to accept it.