edens-castle-blog

[edens-castle-blog]

Baby-Doll Batman: The Animated Series

[edens-castle-blog]

Are you a white woman and a feminist? Do you have trouble focusing on the issues that affect only heterosexual cisgender women? Then White Feminism™ is the brand of feminism for you!

[edens-castle-blog]

So someone in a group asked me to tell them why I hate the ocean sunfish so much, and apparently it was ~too mean~ and was deleted. To perpetuate the truth and stand up for ethical journalism, I’m posting it here. [Rated NC-17 for language.]

Disclaimer, I care about marine life more than I care about anything else, for real. Except this big dumb idiot. And it’s not like an ~ironic~ thing, I mean it IS hilarious to me and they ARE THE BIGGEST JOKE PLAYED ON EARTH but I seriously fucking hate them.

THE MOLA MOLA FISH (OR OCEAN SUNFISH)

They are the world’s largest boney fish, weighing up to 5,000 pounds. And since they have very little girth, that just makes them these absolutely giant fucking dinner plates that God must have accidentally dropped while washing dishes one day and shrugged his shoulders at because no one could have imagined this would happen. AND WITH NO PURPOSE. EVERY POUND OF THAT IS A WASTED POUND AND EVERY FOOT OF IT (10 FT BY 14 FT) IS WASTED SPACE.

They are so completely useless that scientists even debate about how they move. They have little control other than some minor wiggling. Some say they must just push water out of their mouths for direction (?????). They COULD use their back fin EXCEPT GUESS WHAT IT DOESNT FUCKING GROW. It just continually folds in on itself, so the freaking cells are being made, this piece of floating garbage just doesn’t put them where they need to fucking go.

So they don’t have swim bladders. You know, the one thing that every fish has to make sure it doesn’t just sink to the bottom of the ocean when they stop moving and can stay the right side up. This creature. That can barely move to begin with. Can never stop its continuous tour of idiocy across the ocean or it’ll fucking sink. EXCEPT. EXCEPT. When they get stuck on top of the water! Which happens frequently! Because without the whole swim bladder thing, if the ocean pushes over THE THINNEST BUT LARGEST MOST TOPPLE-ABLE FISH ON THE PLANET, shit outta luck! There is no creature on this earth that needs a swim bladder more than this spit in the face of nature, AND YET. Some scientists have speculated that when they do that, they are absorbing energy from the sun because no one fucking knows how they manage to get any real energy to begin with. So they need the sun I guess. But good news, when they end up stuck like that, it gives birds a chance to land on their goddamn island of a body and eat the bugs and parasites out of its skin because it’s basically a slowly migrating cesspool. Pros and cons.

“If they are so huge, they must at least be decent predators.” No. No. The most dangerous thing about them is, as you may have guessed, their stupidity. They have caused the death of one person before. Because it jumped onto a boat. On a human. And in 2005 it decided to relive its mighty glory days and do it again, this time landing on a four-year-old boy. Luckily Byron sustained no injuries. Way to go, fish. Great job.

They mostly only eat jellyfish because of course they do, they could only eat something that has no brain and a possibility of drifting into their mouths I guess. Everything they do eat has almost zero nutritional value and because it’s so stupidly fucking big, it has to eat a ton of the almost no nutritional value stuff to stay alive. Dumb. See that ridiculous open mouth? (This is actually why this is my favorite picture of one, and I have had it saved to my phone for three years) “Oh no! What could have happened! How could this be!” Do not let that expression fool you, they just don’t have the goddamn ability to close their mouths because their teeth are fused together, and ya know what, it is good it floats around with such a clueless expression on its face, because it is in fact clueless as all fuck.

They do SOMETIMES get eaten though. BUT HARDLY. No animal truly uses them as a food source, but instead (which has lead us to said photo) will usually just maim the fuck out of them for kicks. Seals have been seen playing with their fins like frisbees. Probably the most useful thing to ever come from them.

“Wow, you raise some good points here, this fish truly is proof that God has abandoned us.” Yes, thank you. “But if they’re so bad at literally everything, why haven’t they gone extinct.” Great question.

BECAUSE THIS THING IS SO WORTHLESS IT DOESNT REALIZE IT SHOULD NOT EXIST. IT IS SO UNAWARE OF LITERALLY FUCKING EVERYTHING THAT IT DOESNT REALIZE THAT IT’S DOING MAYBE THE WORST FUCKING JOB OF BEING A FISH, OR DEBATABLY THE WORST JOB OF BEING A CLUSTER OF CELLS THAN ANY OTHER CLUSTER OF CELLS. SO WHAT DOES IT DO? IT LAYS THE MOST EGGS OUT OF EVERYTHING. Besides some bugs, there are some ants and stuff that’ll lay more. IT WILL LAY 300 MILLION EGGS AT ONE TIME. 300,000,000. IT SURVIVES BECAUSE IT WOULD BE STATISTICALLY IMPROBABLE, DARE I SAY IMPOSSIBLE, THAT THERE WOULDNT BE AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE 300,000,000 (that is EACH time they lay eggs) LEFT SURVIVING AT THE END OF THE DAY.

And this concludes why I hate the fuck out of this complete failure of evolution, the Ocean Sunfish. If I ever see one, I will throw rocks at it.

[edens-castle-blog]

the most extra things that hamlet did in the play, in no particular order

told his mother that no matter how much black he wore it could never really reflect how he felt inside

had a full conversation in a graveyard with a gravedigger about death and talked to the skull of a man he hadn’t even seen in twenty-three years 

physically attacked his mom over her sex life

wrote an entire play to frame his uncle for murder instead of just going to the authorities or killing his uncle like he kept planning on doing

jumped into ophelia’s grave to fight with laertes over which one of them loved her more

“how do i distract everyone so i can plan my uncle’s murder? act fucking insane? okay that works lmao”

forged a letter from his uncle instructing the people in england to murder his former best friends instead of him 

stabbed polonius and then said it was his fault for being too nosey

[edens-castle-blog]

Everything’s so much better when it’s gay

[edens-castle-blog]

A baroque masterpiece (via) 

[edens-castle-blog]

This is harassment I feel attacked

me: *lays awake at 3 a.m. thinking of the bomb ass breakfast and coffee i’m gonna make in a few hours*

me waking up past noon: i will have a potato chip. this will suffice as nourishment.

[edens-castle-blog]

Another humans are weird space orcs idea because I really like thinking about it. What if aliens have no idea how to hide their emotions? Like, they suck at poker because they can never keep a straight face or anything. or, on a darker note, their ship is hijacked and they can’t keep the fear out of their faces, but all the humans look cold and emotionless to them. Other aliens hating having to bargain with humans becase we can bluff and keep our emotions in check so well, but when they get frustrated it’s all over. Pirates threaten the space ship and they send the human to do negotiations, and the pirate talking is super confused because no matter what threat he makes, the human just doesn’t seem to be fazed one bit.

Someone please, feel free to add to this, I love to see what else people come up with!

@space-australians

[edens-castle-blog]

Don’t come after me like this oh my god

[edens-castle-blog]

It was Shakespeare who first said, “ONLINE DATING, UGH” and we couldn’t agree with him more. But what would the bard’s most famous characters write on their profiles, if forced to look for love on the godforsaken hellscape that is Tinder? SO GLAD YOU ASKED. 

Keep reading

[edens-castle-blog]

Kerrek didnt so much adopt Vox Machina as they just took one look at him and went “You’re our dad now” 

[edens-castle-blog]

No yeah I feel the same way about keyleth she's so innocent and good

But the rest of the party is always teasing her for this stuff

Look I love all of VM roughly equally but whenever I see someone bashing on Keyleth I’m just like

[edens-castle-blog]

Look I love all of VM roughly equally but whenever I see someone bashing on Keyleth I’m just like

[edens-castle-blog]

[edens-castle-blog]

DM: The kitchen is empty, but a pot of rice is boiling on the stove. Someone has been here recently.

Rogue: I want to roll to listen to the rice!

DM: Go ahead?

Rogue: (Rolls a nat 20)

DM: Your ears pick up every tiny sound. You can hear the Cosmos sighing and God is speaking to you. He tells you, “It’s fucking rice”

[edens-castle-blog]

Hug your smol fierce girlfriend. 💖 (been having a bit of an emotional rollercoaster of a day. Drawing Kima and Allura being sweethearts helps) twitter/patreon/store

[edens-castle-blog]

another vine comp with more of my faves that would have made the first one way too long