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Rachel: Fine, /I/ care about him and I don't want him rotting in there. Please help me figure out a way to get him out or talk some sense into him.

Effy: I can break him out of jail but then he'd be a fugitive and my family only takes care of their own.

Effy: We don't live in Narnia - he can't simply revoke his confession without still being their number one suspect.

Effy: I say we frame Hudson. He's the only other person Weston might have confessed for.

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Rachel: He used to be one of your friends, E - don't you feel guilty about him being in there at all?

Effy: No, he made his choice and I've made mine.

Effy: Except my decisions aren't made by a fucking idiot.

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Rachel: Hence my panic, Effy! How am I supposed to get him free without letting other people know that it was actually me!

Rachel: I don't think 'he was literally begging me to' is an excuse that will keep /me/ out of jail, but Brody doesn't deserve to be in there either.

Effy: Oh, well, sounds like you can't. Tell him I can send instructions on making his own shiv.

Effy: I don't think we know Weston well enough to make the call on whether he deserves this or not.

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Rachel: He has to know it was us, somehow. That's the only explanation. He's covering for us.

Effy: And trying to prove the innocence of your self-confessed murderer boyfriend won't draw any sort of attention on yourself, right?

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Rachel: He didn't do it, Effy!

Effy: Are you sure, Berry? He did just confess and that makes him sound pretty guilty.

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Rachel: I am currently f r e a k i n g out, Effy.

Rachel: Brody just got arrested. He's claiming /he/ did it. Why would he do that? We both know he didn't.

Rachel: I can't breathe, I think I'm having a panic attack. Please tell me you're actually in Kansas.

Effy: Why would I need to be? Our problems are totally solved - I knew Weston was good for something.

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↳ INSTAGRAM: @effbenn​ uploaded a new photo

The wicked always get what they deserve. #bennettisland #endof2015

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Please, by the age of ten I had hypothetically dumped my first dead body. You were more than capable of recovering from the death of a fish. 

You - we were ten, Effy. I was devastated.

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I think that’s an argument against idiotic incest. Who plays with any sort of taboo and doesn’t use the necessary protection? Most of Bay Grove, tragically. 

Puckerman is useful if you want to pay for your sex or shitty, pseudo-black market fireworks. 

I’d gladly take dull over Springer-esque -if you’ve seen my cousins you’d understand. If anyone ever needs to make a convincing argument against incest all they need to do is take one look at the 250 pound gorilla my aunty calls a son.

And copious amounts of hospital grade bleach to bathe in after if the jew in question is Puckerman.

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I poisoned Barbra the fish. 

I don’t know why you fight against her so much - you’ve seen Funny Girl almost as much as I have, and have yet to tear the DVD into pieces. If you really hated Barbra, I’m sure you would have just banned it from movie night years ago. 

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Hasn’t Jerry Springer become an actual cartoon and disappeared into the land of make believe while jerking off to other people’s problems yet? But sure, if that’s all the Lopez family has to offer then your family time must be dull. 

Trust me, kinky Jew sex also requires copious amounts of alcohol. 

One of the less interesting ways to be filled but I guess that depends on what you mean by snozzled.

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I’ve never needed drugs to get in your pants before so I think you’re safe. 

Trust me, I’m working on it. Just like Kate Winslet, I can see the eternal sunshine of your spotless mind. 

Yes, being drugged is definitely something to look forward to and not something most girls fear for every day of their lives. 

Even if you do, you can’t stop me from knowing every Barbra song possible by heart and singing it. You can wipe my hard drive, break my CDs and vinyls, but you can’t erase my memories. 

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What witty repartee, what was I thinking not inviting you to the island?

I always tell the truth - you should know that by now. 

I love the smell of police fear

I live and work on a ranch; it’s taught me how to take care of particularly stubborn breeds. 

That’s the first thing anyone’s said in weeks that I actually believe.

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It’s more fun to find different ways to slip it to you without you realising. 

Yes, well, I know that now. Instead of having sex or getting high, I know that Barbra Streisand is delusional if she thinks love is anything other than a construct used by people to extract what they want. Just as delusional as you are if you seriously think I don’t know which hosting site. 

You know, the Berry’s do just take xanax when needed. 

I hate to break it to you, E, but even if/when Barbra goes (and it won’t be for awhile, I’m sure), I will still have her entire discography in my iTunes and uploaded on a secret hosting site in case you attempt to rid it, as well as her entire movie collections. Her legacy is timeless. I do, however, love the Funny Girl reference - I’m very proud.

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I wouldn’t know - I spent all of last night compiling a playlist of Streisand’s music because it’s the Berry equivalent of xanax. Did you know people are the happiest people when they know the bitch has to die soon and will stop inflicting her songs on the world? 

As usual, a trip to Bennett Island is just what the doctor ordered. 

I have had a fruity drink in hand since I arrived, a bikini on for the past 24 hours to properly tan, and my feet have barely touched anything but sand. For the first time in weeks, I think I finally got a proper nights rest - I may consider never coming back home if this is what paradise is like. 

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You spend most of your day caring about horses; I don’t think anyone should be too flattered to make the grade. 

Regardless, I don’t need any help. The police are my bitch. 

I love the smell of police fear

Believe it or not, you’re included on that list of “people I care about”. I don’t know why you have to make it so hard.

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I know Berry likes to think she’s the centre of the universe but, just like anything she says or does after half a shot, she’s irrelevant to this. Hudson, I’m sure, is off crying in a corner about the strains of being completely healthy but once again, irrelevant.

I love the smell of police fear

I would just like to know what you know since this involves people I care about.