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effyoudumbler · 7 months

Text

To be clear

I’m fine now. I just found these notes to be of some interest, since they are geniune.

Although it was like, 6 months until I finally got better. I was feeling worse for 3 months before then, so I suppose that tallies to 9 months insane.

Oops. I hardly remember any of it.

0 notes

effyoudumbler · 7 months

Text

Notes written while I was going insane, 10

Ohhhh

I see

I am irrational

…

Is it not weird

However is it so?

I think I see how

I am distracted

Too oftenly to form a change in my mind

I see

However can i be irrational

When I KNOW I am false?

If I know I am wrong

Why then do I not… yknow

Make decisions based on facts and reality

Instead of on what I know is wrong?

…

Well

I dont like the reality

There ya have it, am I right?

No

[Redacted]

We are in private here

Tell the truth

Nobody will hear it

Fine

The answer is I am not exactly sure, what I feel. I feel weird. I want, things. But, I cannot have those things, I do not have those things, to put an understatement on it.

That’s, well, its not really a problem. A problem has a start and end. This is confusion. I am not exactly sure, not where it stopped making sense

But

When what makes sense to me, is now not reality anymore

What can I do

I see backwards in time

I am fine in the past

I am correct about things

Now I am not

But

I do not see where it stopped being correct

In fact

It still feels correct

I suppose

I never really understood it, hadnt I

I guess it was never correct after all

Only semi approximately correct

I didnt understand anythinf

How else could it be

That all of a sudden

Nothing makes sense

I feel weird

I am starving, my body, it yearns and it aches

But its way too anxious, and scared

I cant figure out what to do

I am held back by nothing, empty air

[Redacted]

How can I do anything, I am me, I only exist because these problems exist to make me

Problems dont

Problems do not solve themselves

God damn it

[Redacted]

Damn it

[Redacted]

I should jump off a building

I go into these, stupors, these fugues

I avoid pain

I dont want to live

[Redacted]

I dont want to live alone

But my body craves only to be alone

Well

Then I should just kill myself

I will bring my body its ultimate wish

Is it not so?

Well

I’m fine alone, if I… I don’t know

[Redacted]

It isnt that I crave to be alone

Its that I crave to escape that awful feeling of being around other people

[Redacted]

My brain does not make any sense

Why

Its just a horrible feeling

Not any different from pain

True

But pain is whatever

[Redacted]

And I dont WANT MORE PEOPLE

I WANT LESS PEOPLE

…

[Redacted]

Making it worse and making it worse

Why do I care

I can unleash my pain onto others to relieve myself

[Redacted]

Even more pain

Even more

[Redacted]

Ughhhhhh

[Redacted]

I…

I dont know anymore!!!!!

Too many moving parts goddamnit

Goddamnit goddamnit goddamnit

ARGHHH

…

And I trust no one, too.

Constant pain

Or constant loneliness

Ouch

Im not sure which is worse

Really

I would be angry all the time

Yep

Well

If I was drunk I wouldnt be angry

Or maybe if I was high

Hm

…

Or painkillers

Once I didnt want to depend on drugs

Now I dont even want to live

So who cares what I do

I’ll die alone anyway, regardless of anything I do

Yeah…

I dont have hope

In being rewarded

Whats the point

[Redacted]

Its all superficial, small, messed up, imperfect, wrong, incomplete

I’m alone

Even around others

They dont see me

I wish I was dead

Why dont I just kill myself

That sounds funner, better, right?

I dont see any solution

Well

I see 1

If I took like

A bunch of dopamine, or whatever

Right

…

I guess…?

[Redacted]

Nobody sees me

And likely nobody ever will

…

So why live at all

I dont want to eat

I give up

0 notes

effyoudumbler · 7 months

Text

Notes written while I was going insane, 8

All intelligence is borne from suffering

And nothing is more painful than lonliness

[Redacted]

They made me lonely

And that pain

I wanted to understand why I was suffering

And so my intelligence blossomed

Cursed damned thing

I wish I was dumb and dead

Just dirt once again

Once and for all

Forever

Gone

I wanted to understand

Why I was suffering

Why it was, that I was alone

Im not smart, nobody is

I am just lonely

Perhaps thats why I fail

Not because my attention-span doesnt kick-in

But because

Well

I believe it wont cure the loneliness I feel

0 notes

effyoudumbler · 7 months

Text

Notes written while I was going insane, 7

I am having difficulty with acknowledging that there is a problem

0 notes

effyoudumbler · 7 months

Text

Notes written while I was going insane, 6

No

I am really weak

Why even bother to live

Every day reminded

Every hour reminded

Of how weak I am

…

Itll never get better

Remember?

Ill always just say

I wish I was brave enough to end life

Nightmares arent scary

Nightmares end with my death

Reality does not end with my death

At least not yet

Its so nevere endingly slow

0 notes

effyoudumbler · 7 months

Text

Notes written while I was going insane, 5

A voice said

They just wanted me to be me

A voice said

That i give meaning to me and what i must do

I am not weak or useless

I am me

A voice said

That they were weak once, cut short

Then they became over 100 times stronger

Its not over yet

It isnt my fault

My weakness feeds my obsessions that make me weak, etc

It isnt my fault

A voice said said

They loved me

Im angry and sad, i hide it, i bottle it up

They dont care if thats real me

I make them happy

I am too weak to do anything

A voice said

[redacted]

I have to move, even crawl millimeters at a time

Im too weak to move, to autisitc to do anything useful

They said

Its never too late to move, however slow

I wish I was dead

But

I dont know as much, anymore

My head pounds

I see black and red, shrouded red, and I feel claustrophobic

I never realized how being stressed makes me claustrophobic

[redacted]

I cannot expect to ever escape or avoid horrible horrible quantities and varieties of stresses

But

I can endure them

I must build to endure

I wish

But I am too weak to build to evade

Or to negate

Only to endure

However slow clunky and flimsy

I must have a sheild

For I am too weak to literally even interact with problems

I must endure

Not evade

Nor negate

Endure the stresses

Dont avoid it

The next horrible event is coming

As it was is and will be

I must expect to take it on the chin

Head on full force

And endure

Oh god, why

I have the knowledge to evade and negate

But a body too weak to do it

I must build a house of wood, instead of stone

Ughhhhhhh

Buy alchohol

Then you wont be so obsessed with being happy

0 notes

effyoudumbler · 7 months

Text

Notes from when I was going insane, 4.12

[Redacted]

I get so fucking angry when people deviate from the model

I feel so sad

I am quite passionate about it

Unappreciated

But at least I followed my dreams

Instead of the waste other promise me

Instead of nothing

Yes

Nothing

at all

[Redacted]

And all of these things make me sad

[Redacted]

And be sadder still

In fact

Everything makes me sad

I only feel happiness around things I dont understand

Why

Because I am lonely

And happiness is believing in someone else

Surrounded by something I do not understand

I have this Hope, a Belief

Because I see things with logic

That it has a Purpose, a Use, a Way

And I am undaunted

So long as I do not entirely understand it

I will believe, that there IS a way

And that makes me happy

If I wasnt so lonely

I wouldnt need to rely on confusion

Or if I was much stupider, if be forced to rely on others

Oh gross

I have autism

I hate others company, sigh

It isnt like anyone will change

Still awful as ever

[Redacted]

I am so bored

I already understand it

So i try to tackle it a new way

Be better more efficient more long lasting

Use new techniques and change everything

And thats alot of effort to be honest

But I enjoy that

It makes me happy

I have passion about it

And it makes me sad

And angry

But these are good emotions

Not bad

Bad things, get worse

Anger and sadness do not get worse

[Redacted]

I just wish, I was dumber

Yeah

So I would understand, much less

And so

I would be happy

Because of the mystery of it all

Id learn new things

All the time right

Id apply new things

I wish

That I was not only dumber

But less efficient and multifaceted

I use too much, and them too little

I should use one, and go All-In

And sure

It is stupid

But stupid makes me happy

And if i dont have confidence

I am ultimately useless

…

Im still alone, though

[Redacted]

Be stupider

More all in

More commited to a single strategy

That will obviously horribly backfire

But

I will be happy

And i know its all a facade anyway

Everyones an idiot

Im certain of it now

Incompetant at nearly everything

Relative to me

[Redacted]

Because they think its not urgent

And so do not care

Thatll be the story of my life

Till my last breath

What a dull tale

[Redacted]

0 notes

effyoudumbler · 7 months

Text

Notes written while I was going insane 4.11

[redacted]

I dont want to love

Its boring

No

Wait

[Redacted]

Snooze fest what a rube

A waste of time, a lie, a sham

No

Instead of the past

I can be more

Oh really

Instead of the future I can be more

Oh uh huh sure

…

Why even fight

A waste of time

Imperfect

[Redacted]

Love is where I am home

I am incomplete

I see

I am ignorant of what im ignorant of

[Redacted]

Oh

I see

I am a song

And blood plays it

I can be more

I can love

[Redacted]

…

[Redacted]

Forget about how scarce love is

Love

You have the love

Love

Its everywhere

[Redacted]

What am I?

Reject the past?

I will be still

Yes

I will be still

And the future too?

I will be blind

Yes

I will be blind

What even then

What am I

[Redacted]

I see

Its clearer now

[Redacted]

Trying to dream

I should commit to dreams

Not a dream

Dreams in general

Dreaming

…

Reject the past

And reject the future

[Redacted]

In the present moment

[Redacted]

Just a will to move

That will

Everywhere

Pulsing

[Redacted]

To live is to create

Motion isnt destruction or entropy

Change

Moving

It is creation

It is rebirth

…

Nothing ever goes away

Nothing matters

But

If nothing matters

I wonder, then

What is holding me back

Poor odds? Poor odds? 0 percent?

Pain? Agony? Death? Loneliness?

Not so

I can do anything

I can

[Redacted]

Hope?

God?

Rebirth?

…

Grey?

Its too confusing

Its everywhere at once

Im scared I’ll make a mistake and blow everything up

No

Ignore the future

Mistakes dont exist

Change is creation and rebirth

Mistakes are good things

They are creation

They are good

Really

[Redacted]

No more mistakes

Only creation

[Redacted]

Go home

Go home?

Home?

I know where my home is

[Redacted]

Is my home

I am at peace with death, when I am there

…

Death doesnt scare me there

…

Go home, you say?

[Redacted]

I am scared

No

[Redacted]

I will find my home there

How

Where

I wanna go there right away

Where is it

Where where is home?

[Redacted]

I feel like its too good to be true

Like I dont deserve this

Forget about that

[Redacted]

That pulse

Motion

Life

[Redacted]

No more mistakes

No more past

No more future

Fluid memories

Blindness

Uncaring stillness

[Redacted]

Silent

[Redacted]

I dont deserve to be happy

You do

Its what you were put on earth for

Really

If you say so

Then i will be happy

Are you sure

Sure sure

Yes

I dont believe you

Too good to be true

It is true and you are foolish to deny its reality

I ams scared

I dont trust it

Im skeptical

Show me proof of it

That i deserve happiness

Show me proof

Why else is happiness right there, within your grasp, if you didnt deserve it?????

Oh yeah

True

I suppose so

Maybe

Um

Well

Huh

Yeah

It aint going anywhere or doing anything

So yeah

I guess

Well

It was put there

Um

For me

Weird

Who put it there

Love, God, did

At the beginning of all of Time and Space

Huh

Neato

Welp

Whatever you say

I guess it IS true

Im scared

And alone

But

I will fight

[Redacted]

Movement

…

Just to move

Movement just to move

Is happiness

Believing in someone

Is happiness

Indeed

Hm

Dont eat

Dont drink

Cant work

Anxiety

Addictions

Lonely

Cant work

Frail

Poor

Cant work

Why

Because!

That day

Never really ended

Thats why…

Thats all relationships are

Look in the wilds

5 years to live in a tiny place that never ever has changed

A day

That never ends really

But just a brief day

[Redacted]

Why dont I do that, then, to help others

I dont get appreciated

Bad things get worse though

Yeah

…

I wont ever get appreciated

…

Yeah

[Redacted]

0 notes

effyoudumbler · 7 months

Text

I did eventually see the clouds in the mirror, I am glad to report. My wish did come true.

0 notes

effyoudumbler · 7 months

Text

Notes from when I was going insane 4.10

What I want

Is what I wanted from the start

Perfection

But

I cannot handle the truth

Perfection is stagnation

I want something beyond perfect

I found perfect

But

It didnt make itself very hidden to be honest

I am built to seek perfection

Not what to do when I find it

…

I am not built to do anything but seek out perfection

If I find it and I have

Then I will destroy it

To become something beyond perfect!!

[redacted]

Why not just accept it

Give it up

[redacted]

You can drop the act and go home now

Get off the stage and enjoy the bounty of the wilds

Be boring

[redacted]

I dont want to

Why even be human then

Why be human if humans are imperfect

Why not be perfect

…

Be boring

…

But

…

Open arms

NO

TRYING TO KILL ME

THATS ALL IT IS

[redacted]

ARGHHHHHHH

WE ARE HUMANS

WE SEE THE PAST SO WE CAN PREDICT THE FUTURE

THE PRESENT IS OUT OF REACH TO US

[redacted]

Why am I alive

[redacted]

What am I

And to what do I strive for?

I… I want to exist

And be human

…

I can be perfect

In another time

In another body

And have and will

[redacted]

Thats silly

Why not accept it, embrace it

Even if its suffering

Why throw it away?

This creation

I can fix it

Not really

I dont wanna be redeemed

I dont wanna reject humanity

I dont want reality

Reality is lame and bad and boring

Quiet

Too quiet

…

I dont know

I dont want to be

Loving

I tried to love

And it almost got me killed

And the will to live

Is stronger than love

Ultimately

And I know this as a fact

So why

Even

Bother

With love

…

Maybe to die out of love

Is what I should strive to do

Perhaps

But no one is lovable

[redacted]

Why love

…

I just want to be alone

Instead of hurt

Kill myself before nature gets to me first

…

Love is a waste of time

Love is beyond time

Whatever

I still am Me

I exist in the past to predict the future

[redacted]

But thatd make me rejected by my peers ecen more than I already am

Nobody would want me

And I will die even faster

[redacted]

But you wanted to die, no

Right

So why not die THIS way instead

Well

True

Its a bit on the boring sidw

[redacted]

Its too predictable

Yknow

I dont like that

Its boring

I dont feel hope

When I already know the outcome

You see

I foretell my own defeat

Well

Why not lie and say

Oh oh

You can win

Nope

Too smart unfortunately

I see my defeat

…

As clearly as I see my own death every day

…

Well

What makes it defeat

I didnt get the outcome I wanted

You have too high standards

That is true

[redacted]

But

To be honest

I demand love ironically enough

[redacted]

Thats what I want in ever each outcome

I can foretell its loss

Because I recognize it and the conditions that allow it

Why do you demand love

When love is everywhere anyway

…

Love is anywhere everywhrr blahblahblah

As if

The rain still falls

The rain still is falling

And always will

I dont want love

Errrrrr

Love bad

I demand love

Not this fake love thats everywhere

I want

…

I want

…

Something, something else

Im not sure what

I want to go home

When I foretell my defeat

I foretell that love is dead and I can do nothing about ut

Im on the losers side

Alone

I wanted my peers to care about me

I felt

Robbed

Incomplete

Nothing cared about me

It says

Go ahead and die

They cast me aside

I dont want that

I foretell that

Every step of the way

I see a loveless land

Awful

[redacted]

A cruel struggle

Oh

Oh why

I dont want this

See

Why be loving

I foretell its a waste of my time

Although

Everything is a waste of time anyway

Since nothing ever matters

Well

Then why do I exist

Why am I here then

What am I supposed to do

[redacted]

Perhaps that is what I must do

No human should exist alone

…

But people are ugly

Loveless

Godless

Awful

They do not seek to love

For good reason

Why even try

I will fail for decades before succeeding

But

I supposeeeeee

It is a success

Eventually

Sigh

Yeah

I guess

[redacted]

Eventually

…

Hmmmm…

[redacted]

…

My memories are sad memories

Of no hope

Sad songs

Cant even be happy

So cold

The rain keeps falling

…

Why bother loving

…

I foretell my defeat

Why commit

…

[redacted]

WHY LAY DOWN AND DIE

WAITING TO BE EATEN

…

ARGH!!!

Why do I exist

Why

[redacted]

I suffer

The visions

Memories

[redacted]

…

Maybe

I can reject this

And do something else

Maybe…

I can try to be

Something else

Let go of the past

Not even bother with the future

…

I am scared of what I cannot predict

The fear of death, this cursed blood

Is stronger than love

…

No

Love is perfect

…

Perhaps that is redemption

…

…unable to be love

I try ever each day to get closer to it

However futile my attempts

Its hopeless though

I can never be perfect

Be not cursed

I see my defeat

Why even bother

…

Blood cannot ever be perfect

Not ever be uncursed

Less bad

But not good

Let alone good enough

But

…

Maybe

…

I can reject the past…

Try to change the future

[redacted]

Why bother

Why bother dreaming

Unappreciated and alone

Unheard

Why bother!!!!!

My dreams

Nobody cared

Not even I cared

Nobody!!!!

Why bother fighting destiny and fate

0 percent chances

Why bother

Why why why

[redacted]

Perhaps

That is love

[redacted]

Why fight

To love

Thats why

To love

What do I love?

[redacted]

My eyes turn to it

And I am there

My treasure

…

[redacted]

What is love

What is worth loving

Why bother

That is love

[redacted]

Than love is bad

A waste of time

Nature always wins

Love bad

Why bother fighting

I love nothing

Nothing ever loved me

Thats not true

That isnt true

Something once DID love me

I still remember

I always will remember them

I still remember

I do

Fight for them

To make them happy

…

Just them

…

Just me too

…

[redacted]

…

Why bother loving

If nothing ever even loved me

Something did love me

I was loved

…

I wonder why

Why did they love

Naively?

Im not sure

Why they loved

Love is weak and bad and imperfect and changing too much

Bad bad bad

No

Love is stillness

Bad bad bad

No

…

I dont want to love

Love is a waste of time

No

Love is where I am home

…

I see

…

Love is where I am home

[redacted]

I might as well be dead

[redacted]

I dont understand

I am incomplete

Without love, I am incomplete

But

[redacted]

When I look in the mirror

I see my loved ones

Then I see me, inside my head and inside my chest

I am not used to seeing

Blood

The blood within this shell

Pulsing in defiance of inevitability

…

Im not used to seeing blood

It makes it all the more tragic

To see others fall away

…

I wish I saw the clouds

Whenever I looked in the mirror

…

Thats my dream, then

A simple dream

I want to commit to that

When I look in the mirror

I see the clouds

That would make me

happy

0 notes

effyoudumbler · 7 months

Text

Notes written while I was going insane 4.09

I hate it

I hate it I hate it I hate it

AAAAAAAABut

Screaming gets me nowhere

Hmmm

I wish

I wish it wasnt raining

God never existed

Humans arent made to worship

But to sing, no?

…

We are far from God

Abberations

….

I do not understand

Anything

But its dark

And raining

I remember the rain

And the cold

The deep

Deep

Cold

My very DNA, frosting

I dont remember why I am angry

Only why I am sad

Why I was never happy to begin with anyway

Errrt

Argh

Uuuuwwwhhh

Uuuwwwhhhhh

…

Why

Why was I even born

[redacted]

I wish I was a plant

[redacted]

Tainted blood

Damned

Doomed

To die

Argh

Why am I aware

I dont WANT LOVE

I DO NOT WANT TO BE STILL

TO BE WHAT I AM NOT

A HUMAN IS NOT MEANT TO BE STILL

[redacted]

EVEN THOUGH

WE MUST SUFFER AND DIE

[redacted]

WHY GOD

DID YOU MAKE MAN IN THIS WAY

AN ANIMAL BEYOND CURSED

WHY DID YOU CREATE

SOMETHING SO CURSED

WHY GOD WHY

WHY IS IT SO

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY

WHYYYYYYYYYYY

WHY

THERE IS NO GOD

NO GOD WORTHY OF OUR WORSHIP

NO LOVE WORTH STRIVING FOR

ALL LOVE IS DEVOID OF HOPE

A FRUITLESS VENTURE

[redacted]

IN ALL MY STUDY

[redacted]

EVERY TIME

AND I AM A HUMAN

[redacted]

I AVOID DEATH

THAT IS MY FATE

MY DEATH

THAT IS WHAT I AM

THAT IS

WHAT I

I

AM

[redacted]

NOT TO LOVE

BLOOD IS TOO CURSED A CREATION

TO EVER TRULY LOVE!!!!

….

Blood is too cursed a creation

To ever truly love

…

Why God

Why did you make us

As fodder, food for a bigger thing

Why

…

Please

If Love is real

If Love is really real

I just want to know why

Why are we here

Why are we built, cursed from the start

What AM I

WHAT AM I

WHAT

WHAT WHAT AM I

GOD

PLEASE

TELL ME

SOMETHING

SOMEONE

ANYONE

ANYTHING

WHAT EVEN AM I

WHAT EVEN ARE WE

WHY

I CANNOT SEE THIS

IT IS TOO MURKY

…

Why

[redacted]

I HATE IT

I HATE IT ALL

[redacted]

ARGHHHHHHHHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

…

[redacted]

0 notes

effyoudumbler · 7 months

Text

Notes when I was going insane 4.08

[redacted]

Silence is death

A human is not made to be still

We ARE made to suffer

And there is no escaping that cruel fact

Be happy

Pssshhhh

As if

Happiness, love, hope, dreams

These things are fleeting

As fleeting as life is

Gods a weak thing

See how God took 4 trillion years to manifest

What a dork

…

But at the same time

…

I feel… like I am missing something

God is bad, but…

I feel like… maybe… God just isnt ready yet

Maybe thats why He sucks oh so badly

…

I wonder, man, I wonder

I dont want to suffer

But I dont want to say

Oh

Its all an illusion anyway

Because that dodges the question

Why

How do you actually not suffer

Why is there suffering in the first place

I dont want to escape it

And be something Beyond Human

No

I want to be Human

And Worship

[redacted]

I dont want to be more than human

When I was more than human

Everyone was gone

Nobody cared

Nothing mattered

I was no longer alive

I didnt matter

And if I dont matter

God doesnt matter

Nobody matters

…

Why listen to the pulse of the world

[redacted]

Love this and Love that

Love love love

[redacted]

Nobody ever gave ME love though

…

I gave up on love

[redacted

I remember the rain, now

The cold

I didnt want to be cold

We could share

But nobody wants to

[redacted]

I cannot love others

And they will not love me

What a cruel joke

God is a sham

I am cold

And wet in this rain

In a deep darkness, alone but surrounded

[redacted]

But the rain will always soak through however many, eventually

[redacted]

To escape the rain

…

I wish I was dead

…

Dead already

…

[redacted]

RAWRRRG

JJST THINKING ABOUT IT

MAKES ME SO SO ANGRY

RRRRRRRR

I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT

ERRRRRRRRRRRRRR

I CURSE THE SKY

FOR IGNORING ME

ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

I CURSE EVERYTHING

FOR NEVER TRYING TO BE SOMETHING MORE

BEING STILL

AND BORING

SO

DAMN

STIIIIIIIIIILLLLL

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAA AAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAA

AAAA

…

AAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAA

AA

…

0 notes

effyoudumbler · 7 months

Text

notes from when I was going insane 4.07

Giving someone a chance

…

Theyll blow it

Itll whiff

Odds are 0 percent, negative 0 percent

So

So what

Well

Its a waste of time

No it isnt

No IT ISNT

IT SHOULDNT HURT TO HOPE

A HUMAN IS PUT HERE TO WORSHIP

TO REPLICATE

TO HUNGER

TO BE HAPPY

TO DREAM

IT IS NOT A WASTE OF TIME

TO GIVE IT A CHANCE

EVEN IF ITS ZERO PERCENT LIKELY

…

Maybe if i buy lotto tickets and win

Ill believe in it more

IT SHOULD NOT HURT TO HOPE

THAT IS WHAT GOD IS

WHAT WE HUMANS ARE

[redacted]

THE GARDEN OF DREAMS

THE BRANCHES OF THE TREE OF LIFE

HOMO SAPIANS

WE ARE THE UNIVERSE SEEING ITSELF

A FORCE

WE ARE THE APEX PREDATOR

THE PINNACLE OF ALL OF CREATION IN THE LAST FOUR TRILLION YEARS

OUR PURPOSE IS TO HOPE

WITHOUT HOPE

A MAN IS BUT A BUG

A VEGETABLE

…

But I have no hopes

It hurts to hope

I am scared

I dont understand

I dont wanna commit to impossible and painful things

And feel bad and afraid

…

I say, screw hope

Fuck god

…

Humans are not made to do anything but worship

Worship hope and worship love

I lately worship hopelessness, and songs

I say screw hope and love

Dreams

Dashed against the rocks

…

Yeah

God is a sham

God is dead and we kill him

There is no God

There is a God

Everywhere

Why not listen and love him

God is out to kill me

That is not love

God cannot kill you

For we are God

One does not die

But exist in many places at once

Is rebuilt and given new forms

One is reshapen

[redacted]

And someday surely will

[redacted]

But that is not killing me

But I dont want this body to be reshapen

It is good enough as it is

Let me stay in it

Or make it better

Not destroy it

Why change it

I dont want it to be destroyed

Hunted down and predated by the wilds

Whats even the point then

Ive already lost

Its got oo force behind it

I want at all cost

[redacted]

I dont want it to win in its cruel game

Ill kill me first even before it can kill me

…

The wilds betrayed me

It gave me no hope

[redacted]

Why go back

[redacted]

And receive its blessings

God is a sham

[redacted]

…

I wish God died or mever existed

Giving me a false hope

Something fake to protect

Id sooner give myself something fake

Than accept natures so called gifts

That are all trying to murder me

[redacted]

I dont want to let nature win

Perhaps that is natures very intention

To let God take the side saddle

Naw

God will always win

But in the short term

And life is quite short

0 notes

effyoudumbler · 7 months

Text

Notes written while I was going insane 4.06

Maybe I should live

Commit

To giving someone a chance

Who

Who deserves what I have to offer

Well

Itll never go appreciated anyway

Very true

So

I dont know

Ill probably NEVER know

I cant just

Give it to anybody or everyone

That makes it even more likely to whiff

I know

Give it to those who havent gotten a chance

I wont commit to it

I am a lazy man

Than I will [redacted]

I will commit to commiting if nothing else

So I can commit to one thing

Giving someone the chance I never got

Who?

[redacted]

I would give it to someone who wants it

Duh

Maybe one who like me

Seeks a revolution

Within their mind

I dont know

…

I never got a chance

Maybe I can commit to a relationship

But everybody will

Screw everybody

Let them laugh at my dreams

They are all cowards

And if I keep it up

Theyll SHUT UP

and adapt to the new normal

I am scared of the future I cannot predict

I am scared it will mess up

I will make a mistake that cannot be undone

Time passing so swiftly

Everything and everyone crumbling away

If I truly have the fire to move

Than I will move

Whether or not I mess it up

I will move….

I will still move….

Revolution

Returning home

No matter what is across from me

Not a game anymore

Not a challenge

Not even a responsibility

Or an urge

No

Something deeper than that

A dream

My very lifes purpose

Leading up to that

Returning home

I can predict this future

I will return home

No matter what happens

For that is what home is

I must find home

And then I will see the future with perfect clarity

[redacted]

0 notes

effyoudumbler · 7 months

Text

Notes written when I was going insane, 4.05

Instead of dope and mahjong

I should use my acuity

To stare grim reality in the face

Bro

Well

Stare at it with defiance

For what

I have no hope

It hurts to hope

I now it all is wasted

[redacted]

Random

Predetermined

Empty

Boring

Homeless

Why hope for anything

…

How dare you offend God like that

… true

Yes

True

I rescind my statement

[redacted]

I will [redacted]

To appeal to God

A chance

I wasnt given much of a chance

Hey

Yknow

I could [redacted]

But thats the end of the story

Or

I can gamble

And plant a seed

Care for it

And perhaps

It will go beyond time

I miss every shot i dont take

Odds, 0%, and nearly even less than that

Almost that the very opposite gets created, is what is foretold, by my trying to create something

But

Well

…

I dunno

I dont really know

…

I am curious about it

Odds are zero, sure, yeah

But

…

I was never given a chance

At the very least

I dont wanna die

Without giving to others, the chance, the chance that I never got

However pointless and slim it is

I still feel entitled

I probably would curse my luck when it inevitably whiffed

But

Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all

I wouldve at least had a real chance

…

Nobody ever gave me a chance

I never gave me a chance either I guess

…

0 notes

effyoudumbler · 7 months

Text

Notes written while I was going insane 4.03

I may as well just be a vegetable

If I am alone

Living out of curiosity

Not really out of hope Ill get lucky

But

I suppose

I want to understand things

I like understanding things

Seeing visions

Maybe I have schizophrenia and anxiety

Bah

Whatever

Fuck you all

Even if you pump me full of happiness

That doesnt erase the truth

Alchohol

With alchohol

I forget

And I can exist peacefully again

I wish I wasnt so much of a coward

And just killed myself

Just walk out onto the road why dont you

Yeah

Run out onto the roads and get turned to al dente spaghetti

Finally

Although itll hurt

Allowed to sleep

Forever

…

That sounds kinda fun

Running out onto the road

Actually

I thought of something even MORE fun

[redacted]

Thats a lot of work

Couldnt I have just committed to finding something that made me happy

Instead of hiding from my sorrow with anger?

…

I dont know

I dont care

Nothing changes that fact

Nobody cared about me

And nothing I say or do or think or feel, has or ever will matter

And I will die someday

Why not be happy

[redacted]

0 notes

effyoudumbler · 7 months

Text

Notes written while I was going insane 4.02

And even if I get angry

Ill calm down and die anyway

And Ill die anyway

Why

Why live 50 more years

Lemme tell you

In 5 years, Ill say

Ill say

These last five years sucked

In 10 years I’ll say

Ill say

I couldve done so much more this decade but I was unlucky

In 15 years I’ll say

When I’m [XX] years old

I’ll say my body is weaker now

And everything infuriates me

In 20 years Ill say

Why did I even bother staying alive

These last few years were the worst years yet, how could it get worse than this?

In 25 years ill say

See here, now even getting out of bed is hard

I am still unappreciated

And death looms each day

My loved ones have fades away in time

And I am alone

In 30 years I will say

I am so ill lately

Always getting ill, and even [redacted]. everything is too expensive, and everything too boring to go on. And im still alone.

In 35 years I will say

My hair has left me

The colors, the wrinkles set in

My voice is hoarse, and I cannot move well

I hardly sleep, and everyone disrespects me

My brain is foggy now, I wish I didnt waste these last couple years

In 40 years I will say

How am I still alive? i am like a kid again, never leaving, always anxious. Everyone I ever loved, is dead. My family is bigger, but so are my problems. Nobody remembers me, and still no one ever cared.

In 45 years I will say, I am forgetting everything now. I dont even want to bother, let me die. I cant eat most foods, I need medication, and im in a ton of debt. An irreverant generation ignores me, and i have to watch any friend i make die of old age routinely.

In 50 years I will say as I lay dying

Fuck

This was so boring

What a waste of time

I wish I was young again

I wish I was never born

I shouldve died

Why live

Never having ever felt like I belonged

Only was wanted, hunted, dead

In 55 years

I will be entirely forgotten

Rendering anything I did do

As pointless as digging a hole just to fill it back in

So why

Why

There is never a point [redacted]

You can see into the future

There is never a point where you wanted to live

Only to sleep

Even my defiance

I dont care

My hopes

I dont care

Love

Nope

Life

Nada

I dont care

None of those things ever meant anything to me

I wanted someone to understand me

I may as well be a vegetable

If I am alone

0 notes