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eiga-on-blog · 7 years ago

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Dear diary,

Well, things are quite different. Ended up pulling some ridiculous scheme to create an excuse to meet Audrey, which ended up working. And ughhhhh meeting her IRL did even more damage to what paper-thin defense I had mounted against falling for her.

Well, yeah, I was an awkward piece of shit the entire time. Probably because she was more talkative than I had anticipated, and I was being too utterly overwhelmed by the shit she was doing, that I had barely any time to formulate reactions. She was energetic, coming off of a medium pizza. Normally, I’m able to scope someone out while still engaging with them, but I must have been too battered from the stress of the meeting and the exhaustion from work. I was able to make two decent puns, but my energy died out shortly after. I hope those made an impression.

Observations made:

1. She seemed very eager to ask me if I wanted to hang out when she came back from China, as if it’s something she’d been thinking of asking for a while already. She asked me very shortly after I gave her my DIY goat sacrifice kit. Of course, I was glad to agree to that. On top of that, she suggested that it could be possible to meet on the day before her flight(!), which was quite a shock to me. So soon? What could this mean? I turned this down, as I knew it would be too soon for me.

2. She was touchier than I’d expected. She wasn’t against comparing hands, which I found odd. Further than that, she attempted to push me out of the street and into her driveway. I expected her to be more guarded with regards to her touching? We hugged thrice, and all three times, I felt her tremble slightly. What the hell does that mean? I thought that it was a reaction of repulsion, but she would tell me several nights later that I “give great hugs”. This seriously fucked me up and had me feeling heavy flutters. I do not know what any of this touching means. The next day, all I could think about is how much I wanted to hold her, and how I wanted to hold her forever. Fuck me in the ass, diary. I haven’t felt this way in so long, and I am fearing that it may be my downfall.

3. Multiple people in her life know about my existence. On the night of the meeting, she told me that her friend said that the charm I was going to give her was a severed hand. The curious thing about this is that I ambushed Audrey with the proposition of meeting only an hour before actually meeting. This means that she was quick to tell people that she was about to meet me within the hour. Among the others told were her parents and brother, who knew I was from the internet and would be giving her a charm. As she loves her friends, I am going to assume that she also told more of them. If she talks about me to them, this means that there are several other influences in this situation. I am coming out of a relationship that was poisoned by the pressure of my partner’s friends, so I am very wary of external influences on the shape of what is to come. The only person who I talk to about this is Hannah, and our combined brainpower and street smarts are probably good enough to match and exceed several of her friends. But the fact remains that other people are in on this, and are likely advising her. Learning this information was an unforeseen outcome of my ambush plan. By ambushing Audrey with a spontaneous meeting, I’d be able to get her response with minimal influence from her confidants, and thus minimal planning on her part. I would thus get a truer, less premeditated emotional response. This technique was originally used on me by Hidi back in 2012, when she ambushed me while I was getting out of class, after I had passively rejected her asking me out several times. I managed to keep my composure the entire night, though, and was sure not to pull anything risky. Despite that, the ambush had me undeniably rattled, and unsure of how to proceed. Anyway, what does it mean that she tells other people about me? The fact that she told them in such a short period of time seems critical.

4. She told me I am the only person she talks to from okc, and the only person she’s ever met from the Internet. This is quite interesting. We do talk a fucking lot, which probably was enough to tell me that she wasn’t talking to anyone else, but the pessimist in me was saying that the likelihood of her talking to no one else was very low. I didn’t take into account the fact that maybe she has actually chosen to talk to me. But why? Ugh. Why do I doubt myself so? And there’s also always the possibility that she enjoys talking to me as a friend, and isn’t considering the possibility of romance, like Nhi. The thing is you can never be sure until you ask, and I’m currently too scared to take the plunge. It’s also inopportune to tell her while she’s in China, I’d rather do it IRL...which will likely happen within the next month or two, during which we’ll hang out quite a bit. GOD, kill me. All I’ve been thinking about while she’s been on her trip is how much I want to be with her. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh

I know so much more about her after talking to her real-time, and can sort of understand how she’s never been in a relationship, but this sort of makes things more delicate. Even without that considered, this sort of thing I have going on is vastly different from the past three girls from okc who I’ve had a sort of thing with. In all three prior cases, the girls were the ones who invited me into their beds. I was just wrapped up in a few ways and was too preoccupied to reciprocate

1) hidi, 2012- i had my eyes set firmly on Christi at this point, and was so sure that I wanted this internet long distance (hah) relationship instead of Hidi, who I got along with very well. I think this was a huge mistake, but fucking whatever

2) Elizabeth, 2013 - I was depressed as hell from the breakup with Christi, and could not see straight. Despite getting into bed, despite late-night phone calls, despite her coming over at 12am on my birthday and giving me the most tender kiss, I disregarded everything. I just felt like she couldn’t possibly like me, even telling myself shit like “yeah she told me she did this with all her friends”. I might have felt too worthless after the breakup

3) Janice, 2013- she was very aggressive, and I was scouting out my options while being really unsure about Elizabeth. Right after doing the dirty, she suggested that we enter a relationship, which I quickly turned down, as I still felt some type of way about Elizabeth. At some point within the next two months, my desperation caught up with me, and I decided to give Janice a try. This ended up being an overall good 4-year relationship, but all I got in the end are reasons why I am incompatible with most people on a fundamental level.

I have always been preoccupied with spiritual matters. Not religious matters, as I was still occupied with spirit as an agnostic. By spirit, I refer to the human qualities that cannot be converted into money. The things/actions that make a person who they are when everything is stripped away. The things that remain of a person after they die. I could not give a single shit about wealth or status, as wealth and status are merely proxies for good genetics. These are things that only matter insofar as someone’s raison d’être is to find a mate and reproduce. Wealth/status are all that secure a mate in most cases, but people still somehow expect to grow in spirit with a partner after securing them by non-spiritual means. So in finding a partner, I am looking for someone who is moved by spiritual means, and wants to live and grow in spirit. A spiritual affair that I am primarily concerned with is the creation of powerful art that will survive me. I do not get along with artists, because I am not an artist. An artist is a practitioner of a craft, which gives them fulfillment while they are alive. This is why so many are concerned with not being starving artists. They want to live, to continue to produce their work. I am a mystic. I do not care about whether or not I enjoy what I do. All I care about is that my spirit carries on past my death, and this is something I am willing to starve and die for.

Anyway, I haven’t felt this type of way about a girl since Christi, and I know that I REALLY need to approach Audrey differently. I can’t just tell her I love her repeatedly until she caves. That’s making light of such a powerful statement. I can’t tell her that she’s my universe and overcommit, because that gives her the power to control me. God i really just want to be HONEST, but shit doesn’t work if I come off as weak off the jump. There’s a difference between being introspective and dwelling heavily on weakness. Ugh. And this relationship being possible hangs off the hope that Audrey really doesn’t care about material wealth. I’m probably being really naive by hoping, but the possibility that it could be true just makes me so happy. Talking to Audrey just makes me happy. I really fucking like Audrey.

Hang tight, diary, because shit is about to go down. I hope I don’t go down with it.

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eiga-on-blog · 7 years ago

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September 9

Dear fucking diary, I wanna kill myself

No, nothing really happened. I don’t respond to external events anymore, I’m starting to just...slowly lose it, the more i think to myself.

This is a unique point in time right about now, where I don’t have any friendships I’m excited about, save for one. This also happens to be a love interest, sort of? I’m not sure. One of my tests for whether or not I am romantically interested in someone is saying their name out loud. If I immediately feel some type of way after making the utterance, I am likely falling for them.

“Audrey”

Fucking hell, I’m feeling some type of way. Coming into this a few months ago, it felt like I had a chance at Christi 2.0, with a little more experience under my belt. This is certainly not Christi 2.0. There isn’t really much in common, save for the age, emotional guardedness, curiosity, and overall brightness. Fuck, that’s a lot. Both seem to highly value their friendships. Both have desires to experience the world, and naturally tend towards fun rather than weighty introspection. The biggest difference is the possibility of a connection IRL, at which point everything is completely different. What I am experiencing now is a fear that crossing over into the physical world will be leaving the comfort of what I’ve already experienced once. But that ended badly, and I have four years of real-world experience this time around. I don’t know what to do.

I want to start something, but why? I am beginning to feel some type of way, and I want to nurture this feeling into a close relationship and hopefully, lifelong monogamous pair bonding. But why do I even want that? I’m so afraid that she doesn’t want any of that in her future, or that she truly values material wealth/social status more than it seems on the surface. I’ve already been burned on that account in the past, hoping that whatever I “bring to the table” (ugh) is enough to make someone commit to being together for the foreseeable future. But there is no way to convert good character, self-knowing, and compassion into anything material. I could be sacrificing everything I am, but if that doesn’t convert to anything, it’s completely worthless. Because I have found my life’s cause to be relationality, love, and self-awareness, i have essentially cemented myself as worthless and out of consideration to most women. I fucking hate that this is the case.

So what was I saying? Oh, right. I want to try a relationship with this person. Why? Because she seems like she values the flowing experience of life more than the rigid accumulation of wealth/status. And this spiritual connection is the most important to me, as it is the rarest. As much as I want to propose that we truly get to know each other, I am held back by the stupid fucking things I’ve learned over the past four years, namely;

1. Never show weakness/dependence; people don’t want to take care of you. They naturally enter into commitments if they feel there’s something to gain. If they have to take care of you, that’s a loss for them. What extends from this is, never say what you truly feel. You can love them from the bottom of your heart, they can mean everything to you, but you cannot tell them this. Your status/worth decreases to zero if there’s nothing to your life aside from your devotion to the person you love.

2. Do not reveal your depression; ah yeah, sort of tied to the above. You don’t want to look like a fucking mental case that’s at risk of just vegging in bed for the rest of eternity.

God damn it there’s too much noise going on right now and I wanna kill myself, can’t even concentrate on writing this piece of shit entry.

Take it easy, diary

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