eightrpm-blog

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Looking forward

I don’t understand how this year has been.

I lost a relationship that was meant to be something. I lost the one person I had to be honest with. They hurt me and used my anger from it to hurt me more. My dad’s health has kept my family at edge since December. I was on Trazadone and Prozac and couldn’t leave the house for weeks without having panic attacks, and when I went to my psychologist, I was asked if she wanted to put me in inpatient to keep me from hurting or killing myself. I lost half of my friends and missed about half of my last semester.

But at the same time, it’s okay. I’m working to get my private pilot’s license. I’m looking the most feminine that I’ve ever been. I’ve found someone who I can relate to, and even after sitting through a bad movie with them, just hearing their voice at the end made my entire month.

Really, it’s an odd feeling. This year has crushed me thoroughly, but at the same time, as soon as next semester starts I’m going to be a goddamn pilot. And a cute ass tomgirl pilot at that.

At the same time, about once every week, I just have to pause. I went from cutting into the fat in my legs and taking pills, to even at my very worst recently, just not having any of those kinds of thoughts.

My old relationship was a big part of my life, and that feels odd, too. It ended with my heart stopping, to me promptly crying my eyes out for days and days when I finally got home and could do so.

I still think of how much I want her back. Not the person I broke up with, but the person I started dating over two year and a half years ago. I would give just about anything to have my old girlfriend with me right now, even. But when I think of the person she became and has been for this entire year, I get sick to my stomach. She was a beautiful person in so many ways until she changed. Even just last December, she was still charming.

I wrote this for myself. Who knows when this will end up on some background check for me or otherwise be relevent later. But I know she’ll see it, too, so I just have to say:

I’m sorry we couldn’t make things work. I still love the memories we had, even if you hate them now. I’ve realized a lot about myself and my values, and I hope you’ll grow in the same way one day. I’m finally over you, and I just want to wish you the best. Good luck, darling.

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I tried.

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If only she knew this.

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What it actually means

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You never even cared.

(via cryingcuts)

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Please just want me. Either of you. Please.

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