einkanjdw4iu3b - Tumblr blog

[einkanjdw4iu3b]

Ugh I had a bad dream... it was all over the place but the thing that made it bad was I dreamt about that person. I ended up randomly meeting them on the street and I talked to them for a bit about things that were going on in my life and where I was going. They wanted to continue talking and I cut the conversation short because although I’d like to be their friend, I don’t want to get hurt. Lol but I still ended up getting hurt because I dreamt of them... When I left, they wave their hand weird. It was in a fist with the palm hidden but facing towards me. That weirded me out.

What stresses me the most about this dream is that although I personally don’t believe in manifestation I don’t know for sure if it’s not real. I have a weird paranoid brain and spirituality really fucks me up. I don’t want to do anything weird unintentionally and I don’t want to be thinking about them at all. It’s just annoying and it’s making me more depressed.

I’ve been hardcore into my ED because I’m feeling no one will ever love or want me because of my weight gain. And I’m desperate to get back to the weight I was at when I was with them because then I’ll be attractive because that was the last time I was involved with someone. Logically this doesn’t make sense because people have expressed interest in me since but my brain has been failing me a lot recently.

I hate myself.

[einkanjdw4iu3b]

And I had a really bad episode these last few days and I blocked one of my good friends. I want to unblock her and apologize but I feel so ashamed of my actions.

I want to cry. I binged on pizza and I couldn’t get it all up. I just want to lose weight. I want to scream. I feel so ugly all the time. And I started my period so I’m bloating a lot. I want to be a size 6 again. Ideally I’d like to make it to a size 4. I know the goal usually keeps moving but whatever.

[einkanjdw4iu3b]

I’ve also bought diet pills for the first time and I should get them on Monday. I don’t care if they actually work or not. I’m just trying to suppress my appetite and they have caffeine to do that.

I’ve also lost being able to be open on tiktok because of anxiety. More and more people are following me and two of my mutuals have messaged me but I have so many issues talking to people. It’s just too much. But now I feel I can’t post and talk about things as I used to. I don’t know what to do.

On top of that I’ve been missing this person I was talking to for a bit. There are so many things I would have done differently. Maybe not talking to them at all... I have a habit of falling hard and fast and that definitely scared them away. I learned it’s a thing for people with adhd to hyperfocus on a new potential partner and that can look like narcissistism. Idk why they block me exactly but I can understand if that’s what they thought. I just need to be better and learn how to control myself. I feel very fortunate that I’ve never really dealt with a narcissist. People with adhd are vulnerable to them too. Sometimes I think my ex is a narcissist but I think it more that he was never officially diagnosed with autism and he has issues with cognitive empathy. He also in general has many toxic traits that are unfortunately common to cis het males.

I want to cry. I binged on pizza and I couldn’t get it all up. I just want to lose weight. I want to scream. I feel so ugly all the time. And I started my period so I’m bloating a lot. I want to be a size 6 again. Ideally I’d like to make it to a size 4. I know the goal usually keeps moving but whatever.

[einkanjdw4iu3b]

I want to cry. I binged on pizza and I couldn’t get it all up. I just want to lose weight. I want to scream. I feel so ugly all the time. And I started my period so I’m bloating a lot. I want to be a size 6 again. Ideally I’d like to make it to a size 4. I know the goal usually keeps moving but whatever.

[einkanjdw4iu3b]

The most unfortunate thing about this is how calm I feel after.

I’m so sad. I just want to lose weight. I’ve been purging a lot lately. I’ve lost some weight. I feel so guilty every time I eat but all I want to do is binge. But no matter what I’ll eat I’ll purge it. I hate this. I’m so sad. I wish it could be easier.

[einkanjdw4iu3b]

Binge, purge. Binge, purge...

I’m so sad. I just want to lose weight. I’ve been purging a lot lately. I’ve lost some weight. I feel so guilty every time I eat but all I want to do is binge. But no matter what I’ll eat I’ll purge it. I hate this. I’m so sad. I wish it could be easier.

[einkanjdw4iu3b]

I ended up ordering food... I’m in the chaos.

I’m so sad. I just want to lose weight. I’ve been purging a lot lately. I’ve lost some weight. I feel so guilty every time I eat but all I want to do is binge. But no matter what I’ll eat I’ll purge it. I hate this. I’m so sad. I wish it could be easier.

[einkanjdw4iu3b]

I’m so sad. I just want to lose weight. I’ve been purging a lot lately. I’ve lost some weight. I feel so guilty every time I eat but all I want to do is binge. But no matter what I’ll eat I’ll purge it. I hate this. I’m so sad. I wish it could be easier.

[einkanjdw4iu3b]

I feel so depressed tonight. I cut my walk short because I’m so sad. I hope this dread passes soon so I can finish my walk. I hate how much my mood fluctuates. I feeling so depressed because I binged yesterday and I feel like my whole progress so far has been for not.

I hate that my life will always be chaotic... my brain doesn’t work and it causes me so much distress. I hate it here.

[einkanjdw4iu3b]

I hate that my life will always be chaotic... my brain doesn’t work and it causes me so much distress. I hate it here.

[einkanjdw4iu3b]

I’m falling deep. I have about 30 days until I move back home. I want to lose the weight I’ve gained. I hate myself. I just want to not exist. I’m watching SS vs ss again. I’m thinking about diet pills. I’ve made a shrine to weight loss in my room. I can’t continue like this. And I’m not sure which way I can’t continue down.

[einkanjdw4iu3b]

I wish I could stop existing for a bit. I wish I didn’t feel anything.

[einkanjdw4iu3b]

I tried walking but it was way too cold. I’m such a baby. Anyway... I can’t sleep so that will help with the digestion of what survived the purge. I’m terrified of the number I will see tomorrow.

I ate and then purged. I’m upset at myself because of it. I want to go for a walk but it’s nighttime. Probably will still go though but I’ll dress boyish.

[einkanjdw4iu3b]

I ate and then purged. I’m upset at myself because of it. I want to go for a walk but it’s nighttime. Probably will still go though but I’ll dress boyish.

[einkanjdw4iu3b]

I’m unable to find value in myself and now I’m feeling desperate for a relationship so I can have value. Jesus Christ.

[einkanjdw4iu3b]

The cruel voices are really loud again.

[einkanjdw4iu3b]

I hate myself. I’m fucking ugly.