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[ekaaaang]

7 years and doesn’t even remember to kiss me good night

[ekaaaang]

Gentle love

Gentle love

Gentle love

[ekaaaang]

And just like that, the weekends/off is over.

Lhae and I are back to work! But I will only work for 4 days this week and then there goes my 4 days off woohoo! I have to make 7 platters of baked mac on the 24th so I am already preparing myself bahaha. I am so excited! Our tree is already full of gifts and I can’t wait to give them out.

Looking forward to resting and partying with the fam. 🎄🥰

[ekaaaang]

Yay

Wow. What a week. So many good things has happened the past few days. There were still some hiccups here and there but it was all nothing compared to our little achievements and good news.

Something to be celebrated:

* We finally got everyone their gifts! We impulsively shopped for more gifts earlier haha!

* We celebrated 16th of the month and tried a new cafe and loved it so much! We wore matching fit (green themed). We looked so cute.

* I won our company Christmas party singing contest! I got 2nd place and received cash 💰

* Another client booked me for a wedding gig!

* So surprised to receive baked mac order for the 24th!

* Grocery shopping done. Love grocery dates.

* My electric bill went from 5k+ to 4.3k yay!

* I have 4 days off next week!

* My mama was granted Japan visa and she’s flying next year woohoo! 🇯🇵 Thank you Lord for hearing my prayers. 🥰 Me nemen next hehe

Exciting plans for next year:

* Look for a language school for my career growth 🤞

* Apply for a new job (I really need this. I think my current job is not for me. I am not happy but still grateful).

* Financial goals 🤞🏻

* More travel to feed our souls 💚

* House hunting for future reference.

Hoping to end the year with a blast!!! 🎉

Also can’t wait for our Christmas party!

[ekaaaang]

December Life Update!

So far, everything’s good! Here’s what happened for the past days:

We are almost done with our Christmas shopping and we only have few names left on our lists. Can’t wait for our Christmas party! I still have to wrap my gifts for the fam tho. Everything’s just piled up on top of our piano. But here’s the thing with me, I get so so excited whenever I buy something for someone that I reveal my gift almost after I got it. Bahaha I already gave Nielchelle a hint (a she guessed the gift immediately), already gave Pao her gift because it’s her Christmas party tomorrow, and Mama’s too (I panicked and made her try on the work out clothes set I got her). Oh, and also my 2nd gift to Lhae which is a wireless earphone. 😂 I guess this is ME na forever. I exceeded my budget for the gifts but I am so so happy. Can’t wait to give everyone their gifts!

I submitted my entry for the Christmas Carol-oke last Monday and I hope I win anything. I’d be so so sad if I don’t. 😔 I was sweating profusely wearing these long sleeve top and thick vest just so I look Christmas-y hahaha. Lhae took the video (and she did good!) and I promised her that if we win, I’ll give her gas money and I’ll treat her some good food.

Lhae and I are finally going grocery shopping this weekend because I am going to cook my our family’s favorite: baked Mac! Good thing my request for Vacation leave was granted so I have time to bake 3 trays of baked Mac for our families.

Update on Lhae’s YEP:

* she finally bought the boots

* I helped her pick some earrings

* ANG POGI NI LHAE!!! I was so so hypnotized that night. I just stared at her while she’s busy fixing her hair

* I put a little make up on her eyes and made it look smokey (I swear she loooks sooo hot)

* Everyone loved her whole fit.

* And most importantly, Lhae felt good about herself. And I think that’s so hot.

The boots definitely leveled up the fit.

Lhae and I joined our homeowner’s Christmas party. Honestly, we went for the food (specifically the sharouk platter but we were disappointed because it was not there lol). We ate so much and took home so much we even had some food to eat before we slept that night. 😂 We were secretly spying on our neighbors who go back and forth the handaan table Sharon mode on *balutin mo ako hahaha. And of course, if there is party, they will make someone sing. When the host was asking who wants to sing I heard few whispers of my name which I ignored because I thought maybe that is just another Laica from the neighborhood. I looked back for a second and everyone was pointing at me. There were talking about me unfortunately. 😅 I sang 1/4 of All I want for Christmas is you and good thing I’ve been singing that song the whole day. The drunk tatays were all cheering for me. It was fun. 🤣

[ekaaaang]

Feeling a little under the weather. I spent the day just lying in bed except for when I helped Lhae with her YEP fit and make up. Dang she loooked sooo gooood!! Straight outta kdrama. Sana better na ako later because I HAVE to slay my Christmas Carol cover of All I want for Christmas by Mariah Carey, and we will also go to UP later with friends. ❤️

[ekaaaang]

Just looking at her like this gives me comfort; catching a glimpse of her from time to time while I am lying on my bed watching Netflix to help me fall asleep.

Whenever I have panic attacks, I always go to my mama’s room for comfort and I’ll be alright. Sometimes she lets me sleep in. I even remember her taking my glasses off because I fell asleep wearing it. I honestly couldn’t rely on my siblings because they have no sense of urgency and they simply do not really care. My mama is on an out of town trip and I am scared that there is no one I can rely on in case I get attacks in the middle of the night but thankfully, I have Lhae who is currently focused on her work, couldn’t bother to be kissed 😤 but it’s alright. At least she’s here and I feel safe. ✨

[ekaaaang]

Trip to the thrift shops ✨

Yesterday we went ukay ukay shopping for Lhae’s YEP. The theme was Kpop so of course it is my duty as a kpop stan, to help Lhae with this saga. 😂

 I had so many styles in mind so I definitely had a lot of pieces I want to look for but if you are an ukay tambay you know that it requires patience and labor (char!) to find these treasure among these racks of different clothes. I just kept on making Lhae try bunch of pieces I take from the rack and finally settled on this gray denim-looking jacket which perfectly fit Lhae like a glove. Ang pogi!! I imagine her wearing a black shirt, black jeans, and boots to go along with the denim jacket. My inspo was Stray kids maniac era pero di ko sure kung anek ba talagang style to. Hahaha 🤪 We then went to look for a pair of black boots but to no avail. But guess who bought a pair of black shoes that she doesn’t even need? Me. It’s me. Hi. It’s so so cute, it’s a size 5 and I got it for only 320 pesos! I can’t wait to style them! Lucky! (I also tried on this cute boots but it was too big for me 🥲)

Back to the boots saga. We found boots at the mini tiangg in front of the city hall but wala naman size ni Lhae! 😂 I think the booties are not meant for Lhae. I was thinking if the converses would work.

Aaaaand it did!

The fit just needs a better-looking black shirt but I think this is a bomb look. I suggested to just go big on the accessories (earcuffs, necklaces, chains) to make look like kpop look. ✨(But I still think the boots are better but we just have to make work of what we have sometimes.) 😎

[ekaaaang]

It didn’t feel like I worked today. Lhae made my day less stressful. After her shift, she went straight to my house and brought me pandesal for breakfast. My day was instantly made. :) We cuddled during my breaks and she cooked adobo for lunch. More cuddle in between work and just like that, it was already the end of my shift. She then helped me with my chores and we went to riverpark, played bingo bahaha and ate bbq. We were just laughing and having fun. We set-up my projector and watched Troll (which was waste of time btw i’m so mad at these human for ruining everything). Here I am, typing this thing out beside Lhae who is currently reminding me to set my alarm.

Honestly, Lhae makes everything easy for me. Ever since that incident, I feel so so loved and I could really feel that she’s really doing everything in her power to make it up to me. It is honestly hard to forget about what happened but seeing Lhae make countless efforts is making everything less hard. She’s really a good and loving person, she just express it in her own ways. She sometimes make bad decisions because she’s just like us—flawed. Human.

She’s worth it.

[ekaaaang]

How does one forgive?

How will you really know if you’ve already forgiven someone? What to do when you remember the pain? What to do if it keeps on coming back to you like a nightmare?

I am genuinely afraid. What if I wake up one day finally not feeling the pain and but also not feeling the love anymore?

[ekaaaang]

I recently got off of social media including twitter. I posted on myday and my twitter friend replied asking me to go home already, pertaining to twitter. I felt something. I was teary eyed. I cannot believe someone noticed that I am off twitter and I am so touched. I honestly miss the bird app because I get so entertained by all of my twitter friend’s tweets (including this friend who I admire) and the gay bardagulan hahaha. Wala lang. No plans on coming back to the twt yet. Not until I am okay mentally.

[ekaaaang]

December 1st

This is gonna be a lot and I mean A LOT. One heck of a roller coaster ride, If I may say. From feeling grateful to getting anxious to feeling immensely wretched, feeling fulfilled, super anxious again to feeling out of sorts again then finally just feeling somewhat okay.

Let’s go to feeling grateful. It was a chill day at work last Wednesday and I was so happy I got to catch up with my best friend Mika. Felt relieved when I unburdened myself of all my worries from the past few days. I was enlightened and we got to share updates about each other. It was so funny because we were both tampo about each other but just laughed it off in the end. We apologized to each other. We also planned a billiards/bowling day next year together with Chi whom we also miss A LOT.

Then comes the ultimate wreck of emotion. I found out that Lhae is lying to me about something. After feeling relieved that my first ever client finally confirmed, something in me, intuition maybe, pushed myself to look at her work chat. Twice. I ignored the first one. Felt it again the second time, gave it a go. Dumbfounded in the middle of the night, a greater unpleasant emotion took over me. I tried to play it cool. I tried to act normal. Tomorrow is a big day for me and I don’t want this to affect my work. But I cannot. I can’t help it. The moment Lhae touched my arm as she was asking me to eat the food she prepared, my immediate response was swatting her hand. She was asking me why. I got up, I walked out of the room, out of the house—in the middle of the night. I asked her to leave me alone—still calm, in my normal voice. I don’t know why but there was no tears but my chest hurts. After that was the confrontation, a lot of whys, sudden sharp pricks in my chest, shortness of breath, bucket of tears, utter confusion and pain. I never thought even after 6 years, Lhae would lie to me about something so trivial. There is a persona of her I built in my head; a person who won’t do something like this to me—the person I wholeheartedly gave my full trust. The trust I have given her was broken yet again, after 5 years. Though I was crying my eyes out and I kept on telling her this is a deal breaker for me because problems often root from little lies—I know for sure that in the end, I would still forgive her. I did. In a heartbeat tho I did not actually said I had forgiven her. There were still talks in between. I kept asking “why?”. I love Lhae with all my heart. (She did not cheat but lying is a deal breaker for me). I can’t imagine life without her. I even miss her everyday. She’s my safe place and my comfort. I always look forward to being with her during weekends. More than her mistake, she’s a good person. This does not define her. She’s human afterall. Humans sometimes make wrong judgements and choices.

Then to fulfilment. Survived my first ever commissioned event (even with crying in between rests because Lhae and I was still in a middle of something and getting my period at the reception what a timing haha). Damn it was so so tiring. I was sweating profusely and enduring dysmenorrhea at the church as I go around fast pace to make sure I do not miss anything and capture every moment. Thank God my battery did not give up on me because I don’t have spare (will definitely buy if I do not find my spare). All I had is a power bank I charged for 24 hours. Kinda worked.

So there it goes. That was a lot of emotions in just 2 days. Glad that I am now feeling..okay. Not feeling super happy but I am good with “okay”, for now.

To better days ahead,

Elai♡

[ekaaaang]

A bump on the road

Of course. This is inevitable (lucky if I don’t but I did). The client just messaged me asking for a discount. I have also confirmed last week if she will still hire me and she said yes. If ever someone stumble upon this blog (I doubt someone will) but is Php1,000.00 rate for a Christening event (Church + reception in different location) gig too much? This includes the transpo. I don’t know. I am seriously puzzled. I want to give a discount but I have already invested so much of my time, visited the church, took sample shots, took a day off for the event, asked my girlfriend to help me, and bought gears but at the same time I kinda doubt myself. Do I really deserve a Php1,000.00 rate? WIll I pull this through? :( 

I guess this is all part of this new adventure. 

I hope she will not cancel. I am afraid I might be back to zero. I am afraid I will lose my enthusiasm again. Help me Lord. :(

PS: I really think getting back on social media is jinxing my luck. I need to get off of it again ASAP. (I only got back on fb and instagram for inspo)

[ekaaaang]

Almost there!

I don’t think I slept well last night but I still managed to wake up in time for my 7:00am work. 

Thank God it was not a busy day at work! I had the time to squeeze in cooking pizza made from tortilla for breakfast. Ichi also took a nap on my table— definitely giving me a hard time moving my mouse but I AM NOT COMPLAINING. I love me some cuddle time with my boeboe. To add to today’s good vibes, Lhae’s gift for me also came in: a 40oz topaz aquaflask! It’s so pretty. Perfect for a heartburn gal who’s line is always “love painom nahihirapan ako huminga trapped gas” but never bringing her flask because she thinks it’s a hassle and her girlfriend always bring hers anyways. 😂

I also learned few photography tips and lightroom basics today. I finally figured out how to transfer the presets I created on my mobile phone to my PC! *don’t tell LR I am using a cr*cked pc ver but I paid for a 1 years subs for LR mobile so spare me ad*be* ☠️ This made my plan on purchasing an iPad next year solidified bahaha ✨ I am currently experimenting on presets to use on my gig next week. So far, I have 3 presets on my list. A big thanks to my sister’s boyfriend for fixing my LR.

Everything is going well. 🥰

Photography gig checklist:

* get a flash

* get a memory card

* clean my camera

* install LR on PC

* create/transfer preset (somehow make it work or else I would lose my damn mind if they don’t but thank God it WORKED)

* buy batteries for the flash

* find my spare camera battery, and charger

* buy a black polo shirt for the event

So far so good not until a headache after work, sore body but still got chores to accomplish. My headache subsided but I got into fight with my sister and currently having a hard time sleeping when I planned to sleep well early. What a rainy ending given to a perfect day♪ - mother TS

But hey the day was still great! That is a LOT to be thankful for. Hoping to accomplish everything before the actual gig. Fighting!

[ekaaaang]

Falalalala ♬♬

Christmas is just around the corner! I have already purchased gifts for the fam. ♡ We also drew lots for our exchange gift this year and I am so happy because Lhae can join our parties from now on. I am really looking forward to winning the prices on the 24th bahaha! On that note, we did our furfam Christmas photoshoot and it was soooo chaotic but we pulled it off! Our photos were sooo cute. ♡

After the photoshoot (which felt like a whole workout btw!), we went to buy 2 boxes of pizza for the fam just to kind of celebrate our little achievements. I slept over at Lhae’s because she told me she wants to talk about how our day went. We did. We did talk about our day and how fun and tiring it was. ♡ Lhae fell asleep first because she was so tired from the chaos that is our furbabies. I couldn't sleep so I studied about how to use my new flash. Peep my gear!

The next day was so productive. I checked 2 on my to-do-list!

WHAT I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO:

* finishing the book I am currently reading (2 books)

* trying my new flash!

* learning more about flash photography 

* visiting the venue of my first ever event

* applying for a passbook account

* buying a new ipad for work

* getting my student’s license

We went to the church to do test shots. It's my first time using my gear and shooting a paid big event and I want to make sure that everything goes well. So far, so good. I also took photos of Lhae. Ang pogi kasi! Bigla nagshades. Hngg!

And that's it for now. I am so so happy. I am so thankful for Lhae for always being there. Her "I am proud of you", "you're doing great" is my fuel. <3

[ekaaaang]

Cute in black <3

[ekaaaang]

It works!

I am currently preparing for my first ever official photography event (with gears and stuff) and I am so so occupied that I do not miss social media anymore! (I do open my facebook from time to time but just to check inspirations). I have been focusing on myself these past few days. I don’t know how but everything is just miraculously falling into place. I will stress about something then voila! a solution will come up out of nowhere and I am honestly shocked. AND LET ME TELL YOU, I’ve resisted the temptation of ordering Mcdo countless of times this week! I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF. Literally “wala akong pera, wala akong pera” every time someone would ask me if I want to order McDo, (even if I have the money). It also helps that I have been thinking about camera gears and really saving up for the future lately that I don’t care about the new iPhone anymore BUT I definitely want an iPad just because I can use it for my new venture (and it is only the reason!). I am planning on getting one next year when my plans for this year go well. *praying and manifesting*

I must say, veering out from social media really helped alot with my mental health. The change is so DRASTIC. I have been cooking a lot lately, learning about photography, playing games by myself and with Lhae, taking time to myself and doing productive things and it honestly feels good. I even set-up our Christmas tree by myself-- something I’d usually be too lazy to be doing but tree’s up!

To be appreciative and contented in what you have but at the same time strive for the best, improve and add new goals to your list is so important and life-changing. I have stopped comparing myself to others and completely focused on bettering myself. I AM HAPPY.