elaineboyling

[elaineboyling]

The Proper Names of Columbo - Season 13

1 “Strange Bedfellows”

Proper name - “Columbo Pulls Dead Mice/Rats Out of the Dumpster.”

Or - “Columbo is Sick From Some Clams He Ate.”

Or - “Columbo Acts As If He Can’t Speak Italian.”

Or - “Columbo Is Suspicious That There Might Be Some Clams in the Chili.”

Or - “Columbo is a Cream Soda Type Guy.”

Or - “Columbo Gets Sort of Accidentally Kidnapped.”

Or - “Columbo Gets Roughed Up.”

2 “A Trace of Murder”

Proper name - “Columbo Hands Out Bananas.”

Or - “Columbo Has a Basket Full of Apples.”

Or - “Columbo Brings Food For a Cat.”

3 “Ashes to Ashes” Proper name  - “Columbo Has to Get This Hound Under Control.”

Or -  “Dog is Listless.”

Or -”Columbo Gets Carried Off By Monkeys.”

Or - “Columbo Keeps Bugging His Cousin Who Is a Taxi Driver.”

4 “Murder With Too Many Notes” Proper name - “Columbo Accidentally Breaks Into a House Where the Widow Is Grieving. He Apologises and Says He Will Leave Her in Peace, Then He Says, Gently, ‘Not in Peace.��”

Or - “Columbo and Billy Connolly Sing Clementine.”

Or - “Columbo Says His Wife Always Hums ‘This Old Man’ While She Is Cleaning the House.”

Or - “Columbo Gets a Lady to Teach Him to Play ‘This Old Man’ On the Piano.”

Or - “Columbo Sings ‘This Old Man’.”

5 ″Columbo Likes the Nightlife”

Proper name - “The Music Is Too Loud For Columbo.”

Or - Columbo Enjoys Drinking Coffee.”

Or - “Columbo Sniffs the Dead Body’s Face.”

Or - “Columbo Puts His Hand Down a Toilet.”

Or - “Columbo Wears a Pink Feather Boa.”

Or - “One of the Guys Who Runs a Diner Where Columbo Gets Chili is Suddenly Pretending to be a Gardener.”

Or - “Columbo Tries To Buy a Hawaiian Shirt But They Are All Extra Large.”

[elaineboyling]

The Proper Names of Columbo - Season 12

1 “It’s All in the Game”

Proper name - “Columbo Turns Up on the Crime Scene Wearing His Pyjamas.”

Or - “Columbo is Very Sleepy. He Needs Coffee. He Eats Boiled Eggs. He Is Looking For Orange Juice.”

Or - “Columbo Pours a Bowlful of Water for Dog and Leaves Dog on the Sidewalk Outside His Car.”

Or - “Columbo Gets Given A Tie, Again.”

Or - “Columbo Makes a Rasin and Peanut Butter Sandwich For the Cleaning Lady.”

Or - “Columbo Steals a Dead Man’s Rasins to Make a Rasin and Peanut Butter Sandwich.”

Or - “Columbo has a Discussion With the Cleaner about Whether the Refridgerator is On or Off, Onoff? On, Off, On Off.”

Or - “Columo Gets Chili.”

Or - “Columbo Says His First Name is Lieutenant.”

Or - “Columbo is Given a Dog Basket.”

2 “Butterfly in Shades of Grey”

Proper name - “Columbo Gets Mistaken For a Movie Extra Dressed as a Hobo.”

Or - “Columbo’s Car Keeps Backfiring.”

Or - “Columbo Shouts Over a Gate.”

Or - “Columbo Is Thinking About Getting a Cellular Phone.”

Or - “Columbo Drinks Tea With Honey Because He Has a Tickle In His Throat.”

Or - “You Could Have Knocked Columbo Over With a Ping Pong Ball.”

Or - “Columbo Sets the bin on Fire With His Cigar So He Pours Coffee On It.”

3 “Undercover”

Proper name - “Columbo Has to Wear Very Bright Trousers.”

Or - “Columbo Changes His Trousers in a Car.”

Or - “Columbo Kisses Cagney or Lacey.”

Or - “Columbo says ‘Toodle-oo’.”

[elaineboyling]

The Proper Names of Columbo - Season 11

1 “Death Hits the Jackpot”

Proper name - “Columbo is Very Nice to a Chimp.”

Or - “Columbo Studies Some Lingerie For His Wife.”

Or - “Columbo Speaks Italian.”

Or - “Columbo Looks Like a Bum, At a Funeral.”

Or - “Columbo Bids In the Auction by Accident.”

Or - “Columbo Wants to Take His Wife Camping. But For Their 25th Wedding Anniversary.”   

2 “No Time to DIe”

Proper name - “Columbo Dances At a Wedding.”

Or - “Columbo’s Wedding Reception Was in a Thai Restaurant.”  

Or - “Columbo Meets Bill Bailey, the One From the Song.”

Or - “Columbo Doesn’t Shave or Sleep.”

3 “A Bird in the Hand…”

Proper name - “Columbo Has Grass in His Hair. Then He has No Grass in His Hair. Then He Has Gradually More and More Grass in His Hair. Then the Grass Vanishes.”

Or - “Columbo is Late Because He’s Doing a Crossword.”

Or - “Columbo Gets Under a car.”

Or - “Columbo Smells Stinky Socks.”

Or - “Columbo’s Feet Sweat, That’s Why His Feet Are Soft, His Wife Says.”

[elaineboyling]

The Proper Names of Columbo - Season 10

1 “Columbo Goes to College”

Proper name - “Columbo Does a Talk At College”

2 “Caution: Murder Can Be Hazardous to Your Health”

Proper name - “Dog Gets a Pedicure”

Or - “Columbo Carries Dog Treats in his Pocket, Which He Uses to Make Friends With a Dog Called Sheeba.”

Or - “Columbo Knows that the First Celebrity on a Postage Stamp Was Grace Kelly.”

3 “Columbo and the Murder of a Rockstar”

Proper name - “Columbo Wants to Buy a Boom Box for His Nephew.”

Or - “While He Is Examining the Body, Columbo Tried to Figure Out If Marcy is His Nephew’s Favourite Singer. He Thinks She Is. Then He Says, ‘Why Am I Bothering WIth This For Now? Something’s Wrong With Me, George.'”

Or - “Little Richard is in Columbo!”

Or - “Columbo Shakes His Head for Ages.”

Or - “A Drunk Watches Columbo Talking to a Mermaid Inside a Fishtank.”

Or - “Columbo Eats a Peanut Butter and Rasin Sandwich.”

Or - “Columbo Wears and NFI Hat.”

Or - “Columbo Orders A Lot of Food.”

Or - “Columbo Talks to a Japanese Gardener About a Street that Rains Berries.”

Or - “Columbo Puts the Top Down on His Car For the First Time.”

[elaineboyling]

The Proper Names of Columbo - Season 9

1 “Murder, A Self Portrait”

Proper name - “When It Comes to Loving, This Dog’s the Champeen.”

Or - “Columbo Goes to the 40th Annual Basset Hound Dog Club Picnic.”

Or - “Dog Bites Columbo For the First Time, Probably Because He’s Jealous.”

Or - “Dog Wins a Purple Ribbon.”

Or - “Columbo Feeds the Seagulls.”

Or - “Dog Looks At the Ocean, Again.”

Or - “Dog and Columbo Sense Each Other’s feelings.”

2 “Columbo Cries Wolf”

Proper name - “Columbo Gets Given A Lot of Expensive Cigars.”

Or - “Columbo Gets Splashed by the Pool.”

3 “Agenda For Murder”

Proper name - “Columbo Eats a Dead Man’s Reggiano! ‘Make Sure the Boys Put That Aside When They’re Done, ‘Cause That’s Gonna Travel.’”

Or - “Sergeant George Kramer is Back on the Force Again After That Time He Pretended to Be a TV Repair Man.”

Or - “Coumbo Makes Seargeant Kramer Eat a Dead Man’s Reggiano.”

Or - “Columbo is Given a Spray For Getting Rid of Cigar Smoke Smell, to Give to His Wife.”

4 “Rest in Peace, Mrs Columbo”

Proper name - “Columbo Eats Chili, It’s Terrible, They’ve Changed The Recipe. It’s This New Chef, Called Heinrick. Columbo Has to Get Ice Cream to Wash Out the Taste.”

Or - “Columbo Hurts His Tooth Eating the Cold Ice Cream.”

Or - “Columbo Covers Up a Body With His Raincoat.”

Or - “Columbo Says He Never Had Children.”

Or - “Columbo Likes Raspberry Jam, Maybe Boysenberry.”

5 “Uneasy Lies the Crown”

Proper name - “Columbo Gets Laundry Bluing. All His Shirts and Handkerchiefs Have Blue On Them.”

Or - “Columbo Needs to Get His Sensitive Tooth Fixed.”

Or - Columbo Gets to Meet a Bunch of Famous People Playing Cards.”

Or - “The Coffee Machine Takes Columbo’s Quarter So He Hits the Machine, Then It Works Too Much and Won’t Stop Pouring Out Coffee.”

Or - “Columbo Gets a New Filling and Talks to People While He’s on Novacaine.”

6 “Murder in Malibu”

Proper name - “Columbo Eats an Egg for Breakfast and Makes the Police Photographer Get Rid of the Egg Shell.”

Or - “Columbo Keeps Eating Eggs and Looking For Places to Get Rid of the Egg Shells.”

Or - “Columbo Gives an Egg to One of the Policemen.”

Or - “Columbo Rides in a Cherry Picker and They Get Attacked By ‘Crows’.”   

[elaineboyling]

The Proper Names of Columbo - Season 8

1 “Columbo Goes to the Guillotine”

Proper name - “Columbo’s Cigar Scares a Plant that is Wired Up to Emotion-Sensing Electrodes. Columbo says, ‘Don’t Worry, It’s Ok. See? It’s Not Lit.’”

Or - “Columbo Knows the Officer at the Door Just Had a Baby.”

Or - “Columbo Breaks a Hard Boiled Egg on the Wall and Eats It.”

Or - “Columbo Gets to Wear a Magician’s Hat.”

Or - “Perhaps the Only Episode of Columbo Where the Real Name is Proper.” 

2 “Murder, Smoke and Shadows”

Proper name - “Columbo Has to Ride on the Crane With the Director and He Does Not Like It.”

Or - “Columbo Plays With a Train Set.”

Or - “Columbo Sits in an Uncomfortable Modern Chair.”

Or - “Columbo Lies on a Water Bed and Piles Cushions On Top of Himself.”

Or - “Columbo Pushes Past the Security Guard.” 

Or - “Columbo Appears to be in a Desert, in Space, on a Boat etc.”

3 “Sex and the Married Detective”

Proper name - “Columbo Plays the Tuba.”

Or - “Columbo Tries to Smoke in a Non-Smoking Elevator and Then Puts His Cigar Out in His Coffee.”

Or - “Columbo Upsets and Then Makes Friends With the Cleaner Who Has a Bad Stereotype of an Eastern European Accent.”

4 “Grand Deceptions”

Proper name - “Columbo Puts Dog in Charge of the Car. He Says if When He Gets Back the Car’s OK, He’ll Give Dog Another Cookie. If the Car’s Gone, He’ll Give Dog Another Cookie Anyway, ‘Cause He Loves Him.”

Or - “Columbo is Very Sneaky.”

Or - “Columbo Can’t Find the Piece of Paper to Read the Murderer His Rights.”

[elaineboyling]

The Proper Names of Columbo - Season 7

1 “Try and Catch Me”

Proper name - “Columbo Sits in a 400-Year-Old Chair. He Doesn’t Look Comfortable.”

Or - “Columbo Takes a Yellow Rose for Mrs Columbo.”

Or - “Columbo Gets Made to Do a Speech About His Job. He Says He Likes His Job and Isn’t Depressed By It, And That Sometimes He Likes and Respects the Murderers. There’s Something Nice in Everyone.”

Or - “Columbo Goes to Belly Dancing Class and He is Not Embarrassed.”

Or - “Dog Likes to Watch the Boats.”

2 “Murder Under Glass”

Proper name - “Columbo Gets Given a Lot of Fancy Dishes by Chefs Who Were Friends of the Victim.”

Or - “Columbo Eats Globefish.”

Or - “Columbo Probably Ate More Egg Rolls than Cannelloni When He Was Little.”

Or - “Columbo Eats Cake at the Bank With the Bankers and It’s the Best Cake They’ve Ever Eaten.”

Or - “Columbo Makes a Meal, His Pop’s Recipe - Scallopini.”

Or - “Columbo Shouts in Italian at the Italian Chef Who is Helping Him Out On the Case.”

3 “Make Me a Perfect Murder”

Proper name - “The Projectionist Shows Columbo His Model Boat.”

Or- “Columbo’s Rearview Mirror is Broken.”

Or- “Columbo is a Reckless Driver.”

Or - “Columbo Goes to the Chairopractor.”

Or - Columbo Has a Neck Brace.”

Or - Columbo is Wearing Someone Else’s Glasses.”

Or - “Columbo Thinks He’s Becoming a Button Freak - He Likes Buttons and Switches.”

Or - “Columbo’s Good Friend Sergeant George Kramer Who is on the Police Force With Him is Suddenly a TV Repair Man and They Act As If He’s Someone Else, No Mention of Knowing Each Other.”

Or - “Columbo Lies On a Couch and Reads a Script, Smoking a Cigar, Wearing a Neck Brace and Someone Else’s Glasses.”

4 “How to Dial a Murder”

Proper name - “The Episode Where Blaise Thought the Dogs Were a Floating Table.”

Or - “Columbo Plays Ball With the Attack Dogs.”

Or - “Columbo Tries to Do A W.C. Fields Impression.”

Or - “Columbo’s Dad Taught Him How to Play Pool.”

Or - “Columbo Gets Cuddled By the Attack Dogs.”

5 “The Conspirators”

Proper name - “Columbo Plays on a Pinball Machine But He Tilts it.”

Or - “I Couldn’t Resist Trying Your Pinball Machine. I Guess I Tried a Little Too Hard, But That’s An Old Problem With Me, Sir, The Way I Keep Steering and Pushing and Pulling At Things, Someday the Whole Sky is Gonna Light Up and It’s Gonna Say ‘Tilt’ and That’s Gonna Be the End of the World.” 

Or - “Columbo Goes Into a Bookshop and Looks At A New History Of Erotic Art. Another Customer Looks at Him. He Puts It Down. Then He Goes Back to Look At It. He’s Just Browsing.”

Or - “This Man Has a Terrible Irish Accent. This Is About As Bad As The London Episode.”

[elaineboyling]

The Proper Names of Columbo - Season Six

1 “Fade in to Murder”

Proper name - “Columbo Walks Behind the Set.”

Or - “Columbo Can’t Open the Door to Leave.”

Or - “Columbo Makes an Audition Tape for a TV Detective Show.”

2 “Old-Fashioned Murder”

Proper name - “Columbo Has Allergies, Every Spring.”

Or - “Columbo Gets a Manicure and a Hair Cut.”

Or - “Columbo Rips a Lady’s Dress.”

Or - “Columbo Scares the Maid.”

3 “The Bye-Bye Sky-High I.Q. Murder Case”

Proper name - “Columbo Isn’t Allowed to Eat His Donut in the Restaurant. He has to Order a Donut.”

[elaineboyling]

The Proper Names of Columbo - Season Five

1 “Forgotten Lady”

Proper name - “Columbo Climbs a Tree.”

Or - “Columbo Brings Dog and Dog Won’t Stop Barking.”

Or - “Dog Jumps Out of the Car.”

Or - “Columbo and Dog Eat Ice Creams, Columbo Tells Dog to Wipe His Face.”

Or - “Columbo Pays his Friend $5 to Take the Police Pistol Firing Test Because Columbo Doesn’t Like Guns, Doesn’t Carry One and Couldn’t Hit the Target.”

2 “A Case of Immunity”

Proper name - “Columbo Sits on the Ground Outside the Suarian Embassy and Eats a Sandwich.”

Or - “The Suarian King Gives Columbo a lot of Food to Try.”

Or - “Columbo is Late to the Meeting.”

3 “Identity Crisis”

Proper name - “Columbo Buys a Hotdog.”

Or - “Columbo Figures Out the Belly Dancer Has Her Eyes Closed Because She’s Shy.”

Or - “Columbo Searches Through His Pockets For Change to Buy Gas.”

Or - “Columbo Speaks Italian and is Given Two Handfuls of Grapes to Take With Him.”

4 “A Question of Honor”

Proper name - “Columbo Gets in a Car Crash.”

Or - “Columbo is on Holiday in Mexico.”

Or - “Columbo’s Car Gets Towed.”

5 “Now You See Him”

Proper name - “Columbo’s Wife Gave Him a New Raincoat, As a Present for His Birthday.”

6 “Last Salute to the Commodore”

Proper name - “Columbo Shouts in the Shipyard.” 

Or - “Columbo Squashes Everyone in the Car and Makes Mack Drive.”

Or - “Columbo’s Gotta Have His Eight.”

Or - “Columbo Does Transcendental Meditation.”

Or - “Columbo Tries to Do the Lotus Position.”

Or - “Columbo Wraps up Napoleon Solo in a Telephone Cord.”

Or - “Columbo Runs Up the Stairs Really Fast.”

Or - “Columbo Spells ASS With the Stencils.”

Or - “Columbo Keeps Bugging Mack About Why He’s Called Mack.”

Or - “Columbo Sails Off in a Rowboat.”

Or - “Probably the Best Episode of Columbo.”

[elaineboyling]

The Proper Names of Columbo - Season Four

1 “An Exercise in Fatality”

Proper name - “Columbo Has a Phone Conversation With His Wife - She Can Keep Talking, But He’s Going to Hang Up.”

Or - “Columbo Goes Through the Chinese Takeout in the Bin While He’s on the Phone to His Wife.”

Or - “Columbo Doesn’t Want to go Swimming, He Doesn’t Even Like a Deep Tub.”

Or - “Columbo Broke His Shoelace.”

Or - “A Man in His Underpants Observes the Murder Scene.”

2 “Negative Reaction”

Proper name - “Columbo is Mistaken for a Homeless Man.”

Or - “Columbo’s Dog is in Love and Columbo Wants to Take a Picture of a Cocker Spaniel to Put Up for Him to Look at Like a Pinup.”

3 “By Dawn’s Early Light”

Proper name - “Columbo Stays at the Military Academy.”

Or - “Columbo Has Bread Stashed in His Pockets for a Midnight Snack.”

4 “Troubled Waters”

Proper name - “Columbo Can’t Find his Wife.”

Or - “Columbo Goes on a Cruise.”

5 “Playback”

Proper name - “Columbo Sneezes Behind a Curtain.”

Or - “Columbo Has a Cold.”

Or - “Columbo Leaves Dog in the Car and Tells Him to Be Quiet. Dog Barks A Lot.”

Or - “Columbo Lets Dog Out of the Car to Run Around and He Just Lies Down on the Ground.”

Or - “Columbo Has to Take His Shoes Off.”

Or - “Columbo Thinks the Ventilator for the Air Conditioning is Art - He Noticed it Isn’t Labelled.”

6 “A Deadly State of Mind”

Proper name - “Columbo Goes Through the Motions.”

Or - “Columbo Opens a Door in a Hospital and a Lady Screams.”

Or - “Columbo is Trying to Lose Weight.”

Or - “Columbo Suddenly Starts Shaving at the Docks.”

[elaineboyling]

The Proper Names of Columbo - Season Three

1 “Lovely but Lethal”

Proper name - “Columbo and the Masseuse”

Or - “Columbo has fantasies about some guy at work - his hands around his throat”

Or - “Columbo belongs in a museum”

2 “Any Old Port in a Storm”

Proper name - “Columbo brings some fancy wine as a surprise for the murderer”

Or - “Columbo tries to pay for a very expensive meal”

Or - “Columbo asks everyone in the bar whether it rained last Thursday”

Or - “Columbo whistles This Old Man”

Or - “Columbo is trying to cut down on smoking so he just chews his cigars. Why doesn’t he chew on cheaper cigars? Because he doesn’t want to cut down on his standard of living.”

3 “Candidate for Crime”

Proper name - “Columbo goes to the dentist”

Or - “Columbo wants to buy a brown jacket”

Or - “Columbo drives a tow truck”

Or - “Columbo is sleeping on the couch, under a newspaper”

4 “Double Exposure”

Proper name - “Columbo eats caviar, but he doesn’t enjoy it”

Or - “Columbo drinks the projectionist’s ice tea”

Or - “Columbo likes Westerns”

Or - “Columbo does the grocery shopping in his family”

Or - “Columbo drives a golf buggy”

5 “Publish or Perish”

Proper name - “Columbo has a hard time getting up out of his seat”

Or - “Columbo is tired because his wife wanted to watch Bette Davis at 2 o’clock in the morning”

Or - “Columbo orders chili at the French restaurant”

6 “Mind over Mayhem”

Proper name - “Dog fails obedience school”

Or - “Columbo counts the days of the week on his fingers to work out what day it is”

Or - “Robbie the Robot and a boy genius look after Dog for Columbo”

7 “Swan Song”

Proper name - “Columbo doesn’t like to think about police mortality. He doesn’t want to make arrangements for his funeral. His wife does all the shopping. She cries easily. She cries if she loses at bowling.”

Or - “Columbo doesn’t want to go in a plane. Columbo doesn’t even like being this tall.“

Or - “Johnny Cash calls Columbo ‘Little buddy’“

Or - “Columbo sneaks behind a desk”

8 “A Friend in Deed”

Proper name - “Columbo lost his cigar in the Commissioner’s car”

Or - “Columbo’s car breaks down”

Or - “Columbo needs a new watch strap but not for $25″

[elaineboyling]

The Proper Names of Columbo - Season Two

1 “Étude in Black”

Proper name - “Columbo gets a dog!”

Or - “Columbo isn’t impressed with the police description of the victim”

Or - “Columbo plays chopsticks (in the Hollywood Bowl)”

2 “The Greenhouse Jungle”

Proper name - “Columbo falls down a hill”

3 “The Most Crucial Game”

Proper name - “Columbo is late because he was testing out a hammock”

Or - “Columbo ruins his shoe in a swimming pool”

Or - “Columbo wants new shoes”

4 “Dagger of the Mind”

Proper name - “Columbo goes to Britain”

Or - “Don’t even bother watching this episode, it’s even worse than the Married With Children England Shows. It’s rubbish. Gov’nor.”

Or - “By the way, even very English people are capable of pronouncing “lieutenant” as “lootenant”. They don’t all say “leftenant”. They can say both.”

Or - “Columbo sniffs a cupboard”

5 “Requiem for a Falling Star”

Proper name - “Columbo isn’t quiet on set” (not to be confused with “Columbo walks behind the set”)

Or - “Columbo is a big fan”

Or - “Columbo’s wife collects mementos, steals ashtrays, it’s embarrassing”

6 “A Stitch in Crime”

Proper name - “Columbo gets the ‘flu”

Or - “Columbo is very tired”

Or - “Columbo eats an egg”

Or - “Columbo helps himself to party food”

Or - “Columbo needs a tissue”

Or - “Columbo isn’t comfortable in hospitals (he faints)”

7 “The Most Dangerous Match”

Proper name - “Columbo’s wife is away and everything waited for her to leave so it could happen to him.”

Or - “Dog snores”

Or - “Columbo leaves his dog with the vet”

Or - “Dog nearly goes in the garbage disposal (he enjoys garbage)”

Or - “Columbo wants chess pointers”

Or - “Columbo wants to get an ice cream”

Or - “This whole episode of Columbo might just be a dream sequence”

8 “Double Shock”

Proper name - “Columbo is a bum”

Or - “Columbo gets cigar ash everywhere”

Or - “Columbo is sleepy”

Or - “Columbo has feelings too”

Or - “Columbo’s chiropractor says he has ‘terrific arches’“ a.k.a. “Take off your shoes and lets compare arches”

Or - “Columbo goes on a cookery show”

Or - “Uh.”

[elaineboyling]

The Proper Names of Columbo

Oh, Columbo. Is it a detective show, or is it a show about a man eating chili? Not just eating any old chili, but chili he really enjoys, served to him by a guy who’s known him for years. It’s about a man who loves people, loves talking with people, loves teasing and indulging and joking and finding out stuff.

But you look at the list of Columbo episodes and they have titles like ‘Étude in Black’ or ‘Fade into Murder’ which is all very classy and appropriate for a detective show, but not very helpful when you have an episode in mind and you are trying to find it. Because lets face it, there are two things you can remember about a Columbo show:

A: The guest star.

B: Whatever brilliant thing Columbo does.

Say you feel like watching some Columbo, and, as you try to choose an episode, you think to yourself, “Hmm, remember when Johnny Cash was the murderer on Columbo?” All you have to do to find out which episode Johnny Cash was in is search on IMDb. But what if that isn’t what you think to yourself? What if you think “Remember when Columbo falls down a hill?” or “Remember when Columbo has hard boiled eggs for his breakfast and he’s eating them at the crime scene and he keeps looking for places to put the egg shells without messing up the evidence and he ends up just giving it to one of the other police officers?” or, even more likely, “Remember when Columbo and Napoleon Solo are having a conversation in a ship yard and Columbo has to keep shouting and it’s the best episode of Columbo ever?” How are you supposed to find those episodes? In short, this is my service to humanity. This is my worthwhile contribution to the Internet.

A quick proviso, I thought about it at some point and wondered if perhaps a list like this would spoil the magic. Is the whole fun of watching Columbo not knowing what he’s going to do, and being surprised? If you’re worried about that, ignore this. Go away. Do something else. etc.

Here, to start with is season one.

Season One

Pilot -  “Prescription: Murder”

Proper name - “Columbo is Uncharacteristically Mean”

1 “Ransom For a Dead Man”

Proper name - “Columbo Loses His Pen (it was engraved)”

Or - “Columbo has to go in a Helicopter and Flies a Plane and He Doesn’t Like It”

Or - “Columbo Goes for Chili and Says It’s the Crackers That Make the Dish”

2 “Murder by the Book”

Proper name - “Columbo Makes an Omelette”

Or - “Columbo Carries a Pile of Books Around”

3  “Death Lends a Hand”

Proper name - “Columbo Gets Pulled Over Because His Right Taillight is Out Then Gets a Police Escort” 

Or - “Columbo Reads Someone’s Palm”

Or - “Columbo Pretends to Learn to Play Golf”

Or - “Columbo Doesn’t Carry a Gun”

Or - “Columbo Might Have Put a Potato in Someone’s Exhaust Pipe”

4 “Dead Weight”

Proper name - “Columbo Goes on a Boat and He Doesn’t Like It”

Or - “Columbo Eats Chili”

Or - “Columbo Looks Like an Unmade Bed”

5 “Suitable For Framing”

Proper name - “Columbo Shouldn’t Smoke Around the Paintings”

Or - “Columbo Can’t Look at the Naked Lady”

Or - “Columbo Falls Asleep”

6 “Lady in Waiting”

Proper name - “Columbo Forgets the Tray”

Or - “Columbo and a Dog Have a Personality Conflict”

7 “Short Fuse”

Proper name - “Columbo Goes on the Cable Cars”

Or - “Columbo Accidentally Sprays Himself with Silly String”

Or - “Columbo Has to be Reminded the Cigars Are Evidence”

8 “Blueprint For Murder”

Proper name - “Columbo Goes to the Doctor”

Or - “Columbo Tries to Quit Smoking”

Or - “Columbo Gets Compared to a Tic/Arachnid”