elainethinks

[elainethinks]

8/26

I don’t feel happy. I feel like nothing really matters and that everything I do is inconsequential. I don’t know whether it’s just because school is starting again or I feel like I have actually regressed in terms of ambition, sociability, likability, and extroversion. I have trouble making eye contact. I feel like I’m going to disappoint my parents. I can’t focus. I have trouble finding passion for art right now, both photography and digital art. My communication skills are deteriorating. Besides a very small handful of people, I feel like no one really wants to or enjoys spending time with me. I feel scared. Scared of looking dumb or like a fool. Scared of speaking up in class or even voicing my thoughts without tripping over them. 

[elainethinks]

7/26

Day Two Self-Discipline Exercise: 

1) With the large success of my art instagram last summer, I felt compelled to post more art that catered to my audience and I feel that to some extent, this may have hindered my art progress. Coupled with my tight schedule once school resumed, I began to post less frequently. I started more pieces than I completed and I wasn’t satisfied with what I drew. I didn’t think that they were worth posting online on instagram and I was taking into account the quality that my followers were accustomed to. I didn’t want to disappoint, but this may have hurt my following because I have less engagement with my audience now. 

2) Freshman year, I felt compelled to post often on UCBMFET. At the time, I relished in the attention that I received both online and from my peers. When strangers would message me, add me, or recognize me in passing, I felt a brief moment of celebrity that bolstered my ego. I felt validated and my successful track record in posting on the page earned the respect of my friends. However, as I began applying to other on campus organizations, it soon became apparent that while my online persona is one that is outgoing and witty, the person behind the screen is one who is more reserved and awkward. As time went on, I no longer felt compelled to post on the page like I had in the past. 

3) After successfully losing weight at the beginning of second semester sophomore year, it was hard to come to terms with the weight gain that followed when midterms and finals rolled around. I felt defeated. The discipline that I had developed that drove me to wake up early, go to the gym consistently, and eat healthy gradually eroded until I was once again at my highest weight. How could I have gained all of that weight back after swearing to never let myself get to that point again? 

[elainethinks]

7/25

Feeling like I’m lacking self-discipline and that my insecurities are gnawing at my insides again so I’m about to embark on a dedicated effort to tackle my issue of self-control...I want to be able to resist eating food when I’m bored, wake up earlier, work-out consistently, call mom and dad more, check in with friends and relatives more often, end my trichotillomania, do more productive portfolio work, and work on my social skills. 

I’m going to be following a ten day plan here and log my experiences for future reference: file:///C:/Users/Elaine/Downloads/7095175[1]%20Self%20Disp.pdf

Noteworthy bits:

“On your voyage toward developing self-discipline, you'll encounter torpedoes from several sources outside yourself, but your most difficult opposition will come from within. “ 

Develop self-discipline by channeling to your subconscious mind thoughts that are (a) positive (b) specific and (c) PRESENT. Keep repeating this!! Subconscious mind will work to make reality align with subconscious

Beware of using “I should” in self-talk; it implies that your choice of behavior stems from guilt, undermining your self-control. Rather, focus on using the phrase “I choose to” 

Self discipline is NOT “ Forcing yourself to overcome your own resistance to action by using will power.”

I find this part fascinating because I always assumed that I could simply push myself to overcome self-discipline issues through sheer willpower. The truth behind this seems so obvious now; how often have I willed myself to stop pulling my hair? To not buy junk food? To stop stuffing my face? The fact that I always fall into these same traps should have been an indication that there was something flawed in my thinking. 

Self discipline IS “ Becoming aware of your subconscious resistances to action, then overcoming those resistances.” 

“ Self-discipline, then, is the skill to direct and regulate all the various parts of our personality so that rather than being immobilized by inner conflict, all of our psychological elements are pulling together in the same direction—toward your consciously chosen goals. “

DAY 1:

Noteworthy bits

It is fatal to link failure to one’s self-esteem 

“ Our egos have been trained by society, schools, and parents that to fail is something about which we should be ashamed. Consequently, in growing up we grew more reluctant to attempt anything at which we were unsure of succeeding; our subconscious thought became "If I fail, I'll look like a fool."

“ When we drag fear of failure out into the light, we'll find that humiliation is at its foundation. We, therefore, must continually remind ourselves that failure is not humiliation unless we make it so in our own minds. “

“ Failure is a stepping stone, not a tombstone. “

Exercise 1: 

1) In the sixth grade journalism class, I failed in preparing for my interview with Dr. Hacking. I didn’t bother to record our interview to ensure that quotes were accurate, nor did I clarify with Dr. Hacking whether I could quote him/if my documented information was correct. I was later confronted by Mrs. Huntzinger about my article who said that she got into contact with Dr. Hacking about my article and I just remember her saying that what Dr. Hacking “supposedly” said was out of character (it probably sounded ridiculously stupid as my 6th grade attempt at sounding like an adult who actually knew what they were doing). I don’t remember whether I emailed Dr. Hacking for more information but what I do remember is the shame I felt when I should have been a professional “reporter”

2) In gov team, failure to speak up during Sunday meetings at Mrs. Lopez’s house and at Monday night chambers. I would feel utterly inadequate compared to the rest of my unit..William’s intellect, confidence, and experience in Speech and Debate. Rohan’s open-nature and ability to express his ideas even if they would be shot down. Joshua’s quiet intellect that he could still articulate. Hafsah’s shyness that later turned into confidence. I would feel shame shame shame at my poor attempt to contribute. Either I would articulate surface level information or I would feel unable to elaborate on points that I should have done more extensive research on. I would feel ashamed that I let down not only my unit, but the rest of the team, the coaches, and myself. Why was I so afraid of speaking up? I failed to be brave and seize opportunities when they appeared before me. 

3) I failed in actually following through with the plans I had when I came back to Berkeley: work out, lose weight, do more portfolio work. I spent more days lounging about, watching movies, youtube, reddit, instagram, feeling mopey and anxious...not taking advantage of the time that was presented to me. I think I chose to act this way as a form of escapism and ignoring my responsibilities, but they have come back to bite me in the ass and it seems more detrimental to my self-esteem. I failed to take into account that because I did not bother applying to any internships and thus didn’t get an internship this summer, I should be working twice as hard at actually developing the skills to ensure I will get one come next summer. 

[elainethinks]

3/21/2018

So it’s been a while since I’ve last felt the need to channel my thoughts through here...it’s honestly been a very difficult month for me. It’s not that the problems I have been dealing with are insurmountable..it’s just wave after wave of bad news and stress that reignites old feelings of insecurity. 

Coping with grandma’s passing and going home from 3/9 - 3/11 made me feel more strongly--sorrow, contemplation, worry, anxiety, and guilt--than I have in a good while. 

Dealing with my negative self-image; stormy weather makes it discouraging to venture to the gym early in the morning and my eating habits are getting more and more inconsistent. 

Dealing with contact stomatitis that has lasted 5 days has been a constant stream of pain and fear for my health. 

Learning that Kenny is basically being kicked out makes me anxious about my own standing with mom and dad and whether their love really is as unconditional as I thought..

Stress about school, with the possibility of failing ECON 100B, anxiety about Stats, being a failure to Hailey as a co-trainer....I honestly feel like I can’t take anymore and as I’m typing this, I feel like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown. 

[elainethinks]

1/24/2018

Hit the gym really early today (7 am!!). Weighed myself at the gym and was mildly surprised (keep going girl!!!) Was pretty tired though because it was so early and I slept later--started dozing off in Data 8 rip..

Did design work for Irene in Esh, studied with Vivian and Spencer for a bit at home..baked cookies and studied Econ. 

Tired, but overall a satisfying day. 

[elainethinks]

1/22/2018

Didn’t eat till I got home for dinner..had eggplant, cherry tomatoes. 

Hung out at Juan’s and had two slices of pizza and some chips. 

Candice brought up studying abroad possibilities...turns out Sarah and Shreya want to study abroad and Erika applied and Candice wants to too..I can’t stop them from doing it, but now I have to worry about finding people to house with and it kind of sucks because I can’t think of anyone I might want to live with :( 

I don’t know why I feel kind of mad/upset about it? Maybe I expected all of us to stay together and now that I know we won’t be, I feel abandoned even though I know I shouldn’t..Candice probably thinks I’m mad at her and she’s probably going to tell everyone that I probably didn’t receive the news well..I should call mom about this. 

Possibilities: 

-Vivian Liu, Vivian Leduc, Spencer Liu, 

Living in an apartment made me realize how disconnected I sometimes feel..am I really an “extrovert”? Do people like me? Of course people like you! Yes, you have low self-esteem. BUT, you are taking steps to be better. I didn’t get as close as Candice or Erika did with Sarah and Shreya--is it because I didn’t try to? Or didn’t care enough to? 

[elainethinks]

1/21/2018

Had the rest of my mocha dark chocolate bar (Meh...much prefer the semi-sweet chocolate bar) and Lily came over to study Japanese. 

EECSS went to La Marcha for Berkeley Restaurant Week 2018-->My favorites were the Shrimp Fritters, the Boar Meatballs, and the Brussel Sprouts. Played bananagrams with the crew when we got back. 

Looked at my calendar this week and realized I’m hellaaa swamped but I just want to get my mind off of eating I guess...

Planning on hitting the gym early tomorrow and watching my hair. 

Wasn’t able to call mom today because it’s late but going to call her tomorrow!

[elainethinks]

1/19/18

Hit the gym at 8 am today..feeling motivated!

Pretty busy day..finished Data 8 homework early (hecka yes for bonus points) 

Did service at Berkeley Food and Housing today, got dinner at Crossroads with Michelle and went to the free Acapella show at Hertz with Michelle, Vivian, Spencer, and John. 

Back at the apartment right now--feeling pretty tired even though it’s only 10 pm? Going to “sleep in” till maybe around 9 and hit the gym, get ScaledWings stuff done, Ken’s assets done, books bought, PComm stuff done, ~hydrate~, call Jean, and do laundry tomorrow!!!

[elainethinks]

1/18/18

Felt very productive today! Realized how much more I focus in class with “Do Not Disturb” mode on my phone on...was really fascinated in History 111D Class..weather was pretty gloomy which was kind of a downer, but it was a really satisfying day to be honest? 

Got a chance to catch up with Vivian and Spencer for the first time in a while over Crossroads and it felt really comforting having friends who are happy just sitting down on a bench in Esh and just talking. It’s hard finding companionship that doesn’t feel like it’s suffocated by the need to always do something big. 

Called mom today! It felt great hearing her voice and catching up with her--I’m so grateful to have such an inspiring figure in my life. 

Might have overate today...also got a big pimple on my nose :( RIP ME!!

Overall, not a bad day. Looking forward to better days to come. <3

[elainethinks]

1/17/18

Why do I feel like I’m drifting apart from Erika? 

Is it because we’re so used to each other’s presence now that we live together that we’re just bored of each other? I know I am a flawed person and that I am not a perfect friend, but why do I feel like I’m not being treated the way a “best friend” should be treated? I had always considered Jean to be my “best” friend (if I had to choose one...I was never a big fan of using the term and now I see why), but when I look back, I remember how Erika was the first to call me her best friend, even if it was simply in an instagram post. 

Come on. Maybe I’m being too selfish for expecting too much of her. But some part of me feels like I’m not being treated the way a best friend should be. She doesn’t tell me about Quinton--I don’t expect her to and she is not at all obligated to tell me anything, I understand--but I can’t help but feel like she doesn’t trust me to be open to talking about it. 

(Erika came in to clarify about finsta here while I was typing, so I feel a lot better now) 

Okay..I feel petty now about the finsta thing--I feel like that was me overanalyzing things. I think the part that offended me was her--perhaps jokingly--saying that she would unfollow me...I don’t feel like I post extremely negative or polarizing content a lot and I only have people I trust follow me, so by all means, unfollow me. It just came across as..insensitive to me, but I was just focused on her not liking my posts (something I might expect of say, Vivian and Spencer)--I should have realized that I don’t like every single post that people I follow post on their finsta (Nina for example). I was being super immature and an ass about it which I acknowledge, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that I feel she respects other friends more than me...

I don’t want to let fear of seeming too clingy hurt me from seeking companionship from people I like and want to hang out with (i.e. double texting Lily, reaching out to Erika to hang)..but why do I only feel jealous when I see Erika hanging out with other people (particularly high school friends)? I know you may say that we see each other so much, so she should have an opportunity to catch up with other friends. That is true. But to not hang out with your best friend like one on one during break? Am I petty for feeling like I’m not actually a best friend? 

Hmm, maybe that’s exactly what I need to do to stop feeling so high strung. You are not her best friend. You’re friends. Don’t be delusional. Maybe the reason why you’re so upset and expect so much is that you expect her to act like you would with Jean. Telling each other about anything and everything.

 However, you have to realize that she is her own person. You will not always see eye to eye or share the same hunger for conversation or companionship. Recognize now that it will only hurt you to place so much of your self-worth on another’s actions. Her actions do not change how valued you are as a friend to so many other people. 

Of course I care about Erika--I wouldn’t be dedicating this entire post and venting about my feelings if I didn’t. I know a major flaw of ENFPs is to idealize one’s friends too much and expect them to act as model friends--you just can’t expect that from anyone Elaine. 

Maybe I’m just especially emotional right now because I’m hormonal. I don’t know. I feel better however that she talked to me and wanted to make sure I wasn’t mad about the finsta thing though. 

--

 On the bright side, I’m eating healthier again! Salads and chicken breasts all the wayyyy baby!! I want to seriously get my ass into gear and actually get fit...it sucks being the heavyset cousin or friend in a group when I KNOW that this isn’t my best shape. I realized that I don’t want to get fit just for superficial reasons, but also so I can feel more comfortable in my own skin (i.e. bending over, lying down without my stomach rolls getting in the way, sleeping better, not being surprised by my weight gain when I look into the mirror, not having a double chin when I open the front camera, having my clothes fit better, having more energy, making mom and dad proud). 

The plus side of me adopting a healthier lifestyle is that I realized I actually really enjoy cooking! I find it therapeutic to put on a documentary or video in the background and chill out while doing food prep. It makes me realize how fortunate I am back home to have such a caring mother who is honestly such a great cook?? 

That reminds me, I want to be there for my parents more. I want to call more often just to check up on them. They go for months without seeing my face, and when they try to call me, I’m usually always really busy/doing homework and I don’t realize just how much they may want to say hi or chat about my day.

I also want to be more empathetic and caring about Kenny. It hurts to see us drift apart when I went to college. My expectations for Kenny and his habits at home have made me realize how much I honestly idealized him when I was younger. It seemed like I idealized him a lot when I was younger and coming to Berkeley myself made me realize how much he struggled with his mental health and with his personal life. I want to rebuild my relationship with him. 

Alright, I really have to go to the restroom so I’ll end this post here. 

You’re going to be fine Elaine-in-the-future. I have faith in you that you will accomplish your goals. 

Wishing you all the best and all the love,

Elaine in the now.  

[elainethinks]

[elainethinks]

[elainethinks]