elchatojay88

[elchatojay88]

I’ve realized that the universe is not cruel it just listens to you. What you believe at your core becomes your reality.

In 2014 I truly believed I was worthless so he brought someone to my life to further prove to me that I was.

And I’ve been stuck in that worthless mentality for a long time. Slowly trying to break free of those chains and embrace my higher self. It hasn’t been easy.

Then Domenico came to my life to show me that if something seems too good to be true, it usually is. And to not ever trust someone 100% with your life because they can do a 180 on you in the blink of an eye. You can’t and should never put your entire self worth in the hands of someone else no matter how much you trust them.

Who we are is always entirely dependent on us. 100%.

And we should act accordingly. And demand respect at all times. And understand this life is our own life experience. Not anybody else’s. It doesn’t matter if you are with someone who has it all. If we don’t feel happy and proud of ourselves. We must strive for perfection. As close as we can be to it. And hype ourselves up and love ourselves. And always always protect our soul.

[elchatojay88]

I know why I am so bothered

Both my uncle and my cousin disrespected me and disrupted my balance. And it’s hard for me to feel in my power without that.

So now what do I have to do to recuperate my peace.

I have to make things right. But I don’t want to make it bigger than it is. But that is why I can’t breathe. There is an unbalance. I got disrespected and I didn’t address it

[elchatojay88]

I finally understand. 4 months later. I understand that my ex was never in love with me nor did he truly want a loving relationship with me.

He found someone who he knew needed validation. Who even though he thought was amazing he knew thrived on the attention of others. Thats why I had the twitter account.

He imagined my life to be different and he wanted so desperately to be a part of it. He wanted to join the bear world. He wanted to come to the US stress free and for someone to take care of him without asking anything.

He thinks he deserves that. Because he’s a Narcicist. He truly believes he deserves for a man to facilitate his life and give him everything and allow him to be a slut.

He thought it was a betrayal that I went all the way to Germany for him without anything in return. Just to trick him. To make him believe I was gonna take him away from his shithole. And then he slowly saw that I wasn’t gonna facilitate his life so he lashed out.

Instead of telling me directly and seeming like the bad guy he started treating me like shit and showing me exactly how he is so that I could walk away myself. So that he wouldn’t have to feel bad about leaving me.

But he decided I wasn’t the type of Ma he wanted a long time ago. He decided since he started going out with Adrian. Because he realized Adrian could do a lot more for him there. In actuality that’s all he ever wanted. Someone to facilitate his life. He wants the life of the cub. So bad. And he feels he’s missing out with every day that passes by.

There’s no need to revenge. He’s a terribly unhappy kid who will realize that nothing in life is free.

For me. I needed to understand that I must never put my self worth in the hands of anybody. It was to understand that I have to value myself and my life more than anyone else in the world. I will never again value someone else more than I value myself.

[elchatojay88]

Everyday is so hard to wake up and not see his text message on my phone or an instagram message. And I break my own heart everyday still wishing for it.

I did do more than I should’ve to get him back but he just fell out of love and there is no way to keep someone that doesn’t want to be kept.

I can’t fight the desire I feel for him and the spark of hope that one day he will reach out to try again but I can’t continue to hold my breath for it. It’s causing me too much pain.

He made his choice and I have to respect it. I just have to have faith that one day I will be better. One day I will have someone better. And if I don’t then he will have the satisfaction of knowing he was the best that I ever had. But I can’t punish myself. Even though I had him briefly. I couldn’t retain him cuz ultimately at the end he chose to be with someone else.

It might’ve not worked out , but at some point he felt that it was the best for him. He proactively sought someone out and decided at some point that is who he wanted. Even if it didn’t work out. He chose someone else over me. Meaning he failed to see my value. Cuz if he had seen it, even if he had returned he would’ve fought so much harder to keep me. He would’ve been terrified of losing me. But instead. He pushed me away slowly.

I’m sorry my guy.. but he didn’t chose you. And that’s ok. But you can’t sit and wait for him to chose you. You have to chose yourself and have faith that you will be better and you will find better.

[elchatojay88]

Today I threw away the last piece of dignity I had and I messaged Domenico.

I honestly feel that my whole life is up in smoke. Everything has gone to shit. Everyone left. I feel incredibly alone. I feel incredibly sad all the time. I just want this nightmare to be over.

I feel like life continuous to like move on without me. And it’s scaring the shit out of me.

Maybe I need to disconnect from social media. Maybe I need to ground myself with my parents. With my real life that I have here in California. Here in Stockton.

The thing is that now my fear is that my best friend is gonna try to get at my ex boyfriend and the thought of it is honestly making me have a whole body nervous break down.

I feel like my fears are being manifested into reality and I am terrified for the future. I don’t want to be alone while everybody’s life went on to be great. I’m scared that my health is going to continue to spiral down.

I already have no friends except for Marco. And now if he betrays me I will literally have nobody. I know that Domenico is not right for me and we’re not compatible but he was the only hope I had for a better life.

He was my beacon of hope. Now I am in the dark again alone with no one to hold on to. I don’t want Marco to enjoy what I dreamed of. I feel cheated out of my life with Domenico.

But like. What did you expect? You never had a clear plan. You kind of always just winged it. You kind of just expected things to fall into place. And they don’t.

I have to have faith that things with me and Domenico worked out exactly how they were supposed to work out. And understand that if we were meant to have been. We would’ve.

I beg you god to please don’t make me go through that test. I do not want to see Domenico happy with my best friend. I cannot bear that. It will destroy me. I leave it in your hands.

[elchatojay88]

And even if he did love me. It doesn’t matter anymore. Because he has to have consequence for his actions.

I’m not an object or a toy he can just pick up whenever he needs comfort. He lost me for not appreciating me and valuing me. And that’s something he will have to live with for the rest of his life.

[elchatojay88]

It’s not that i want him back because I love him so much.

It’s my shattered ego that was making me cling to him for life. Because for the third time in my life I wanted someone so bad and I had them but I didn’t have what it takes to keep them.

Because for the third time All i got was a trial run. It felt so real this time. I thought finally I was going to keep the type of man i was proud of and that I would always be excited about.

But in the end he lied to me many many times. He started a whole ass relationship behind my back. He tried to get me to leave him with his indifference so I would break up with him, but eventually he left me. Came back when he realized this guy didn’t love him with the same devotion that I did. Did not even take accountability or explain to me exactly why he did what he did or even what he did.

Then I took him back again without requiring anything of him. Without asking anything of him. And then after just a month he decided that he does need sex or whatever it is he’s getting from that other dude and decides to treat me like shit again so I can leave him. And tries to blame me for it. Saying I’m in the insecure one.

He is a narcicist who used me to bolster his ego. He tried to string me along by viewing my tik tok profile and liking my posts because he wants to have me as. A back up. And to keep that love triangle open. So he can keep that other guy on edge like he did with me.

The truth is with him it’s always gonna be a war between the egos. And since I’m such a damn pushover I would always end up losing.

I don’t want him back. I want him away from me as possible because even though he might’ve had feelings for me in the beginning, toward the end he showed me he is a liar who will never take accountability for his actions. And he’s selfish in the fact that he won’t care about hurting me as long as he gets his needs met.

So it’s not pain of not having him. It’s the pain of being left. Of not being chosen. Of him being with someone already while I have to sit here in pain processing this whole thing. He’s a real piece of shit. I don’t love him. It’s just my ego trying to fix itself. But this is a battle I lost. I have to collect the pieces , learn to not rely on anybody’s mercy. Don’t ever give it all in hopes of receiving something.

I learned a lot and that’s what matters.

[elchatojay88]

[elchatojay88]

If he truly did love me he would not have pushed me to break up with him twice to be with that man.

He wouldn’t have lied to me and then make me seem crazy for catching him in his lies.

He would not have been non chalant the last time we talked knowing that he was about to lose me. He wouldn’t have gone days without reaching out and try to resolve things.

If he had truly loved me he would’ve taken the time to explain that being with him is what he needs. It’s what he wants. He would not push me to my limit to get rid of me.

He’s making me face head on the reality that he preferred someone else. Twice. He chose them.

I don’t know for what reason he came back the first time. Either to soothe his ego or because his plan all along was to get US citizenship from me. But he saw that was not going to be an easy path and chose the path with least resistance.

I’m envious of that man if he’s the one for him. Because he will get to enjoy this new version of him, that’s not broken. That dreams and aspires and is alive. That has sex. That is vibrant electrifying sex.

Maybe they’re meant for each other. I mean what are the chances of starting in Cuba going to school in a Mexico and ending in Ulm. And maybe I am so closely a reminder to Domenico of what his true love is supposed to be like. And that’s why he felt such an affinity to me. But now that he has the real thing I go out the door.

Maybe I’m just envious that for the I don’t know how many times I found someone who was perfect for me but I wasn’t perfect for them.

And it breaks my heart so fucking bad and it puts me in front of the mirror and I can’t escape the voice that says “you’re not good enough, you’re not worthy of love”. No one will ever fall in love with you.

And I feel the waves trying to take me deep into the ocean of sadness and despair. Of desperation.

And I’m fighting with all my strength to stay grounded because somehow the hope is still there. That I just need to love myself first and one day someone will Los me back with the same intensity and chose me.

It’s just that this one felt so real. It’s the closest I’ve ever felt to true love. It might’ve been made up. Might’ve been an act of the narcicist . But to me. It felt like the most deep and fulfilling love I’ve ever had in my life. I had high hopes for this one.

Since 2014 all I’ve wanted in life is for someone hot to fall madly and deeply in love with me. That’s all I want.

[elchatojay88]

It was so difficult for me to sleep last night knowing that I would never see his name or phone number pop up on my screen again.

It ripped at my heart every second that passed without his message or call.

It’s like I was holding my breathe and suffocating. Because I could not find peace without his message.

It was then that I realized it wasn’t love that bounded me to him , but an all consuming and chaotic addiction that I developed for him. It was voracious and it made me hunger for his love for his attention.

I realized that this addiction was eating me from the inside. And that I am fighting that, and not a true love loss.

I didn’t want to face the fact that I will never sleep on his chest again. That I will never smell him again or see myself in his beautiful brown eyes. I will never feel at home in his arms again.

Everyday I mourn something that will never return and it shatters my heart every 30 minutes.

[elchatojay88]

I have this vision of Domenico telling me that he’s sorry for the pain that he caused me but that he now understands that things were supposed to happen this way.

That things are easy when they are right. That once again the person that I want with all my being. The one that’s perfect in my eyes. Is not perfect for me. That were not compatible and I’m not made for them.

That he found someone who is right for him. And he’s gonna make a huge effort to be with this other person. When he gave me the bare minimum. He’s gonna work on himself and be a better man so this other guy can enjoy everything that was supposed to be mine.

I have a vision where Domenico leaves Ehingen to live in Ulm with this dude and he can finally get a job he likes with a lot more money. And who will live happily with this dude.

And I will again stay stuck getting drunk on the weekends and hating my life. Still stalking him on social media and still trying to convince myself that it was his loss.

It’s unfair that that person has an unfair advantage over me. He can have sex. Why was I born incapable of it. Why am I cursed to be an eternal child who is a threat to no one.

I think Domenico saw me as innocence. As a source of light who he wished would be enough. Because he wanted out of the darkness. But the pull of darkness is too strong in him.

And he sucumbed to it. And that guy is molded in the darkness too. That’s why they’re compatible with each other. They will hurt each other deeply and they will lie and manipulate each other. Until the point of self destruction, but they will seek each other because the darkness allures them to each other.

I was the light that gave him hope. But light is not what he wants deep inside.

I wanted darkness. But I always get the ugly and empty side of darkness. I got the darkness I didn’t ask for. I always do. Because I don’t want to be part of the light group. I don’t want to be part of the good. I was molded this way and I grew up to hate it.

I feel safe in the light. But I’m completely empty. Beyond empty. And I want my cup filled.

But he realized I’m too sweet for him. I’m too much good. He will never feel alive or excitement with me. He felt a sense of warmth and comfort which he so desperately needed. But once he was healed. The darkness called again. And it always will.

[elchatojay88]

And so it finally ended. I don’t know if it was I who pushed him away with my hundreds of insecurities.

The way I tried to own him the way I needed to be sure he was only mine.

Or if he simply lost interest in me when I told him that I would not be able to file for a fiance visa because I don’t make enough money to prove that I can support him.

So he would have to get off his ass and fix his visa issue. Come over here and then we would decide if we’re right for each other and live together. If required him to make sacrifices. And maybe that’s what he didn’t want. He wants to find someone who will just make it happen for him. He’s probably used to using his body and seduction to get what he wants. But now he knows I’m not that guy that’s gonna make it happen for him and he decided it was time to cut his losses.

Whatever the case might be , the final result is that he’s gone. And he’s gone forever. I will never see that sweet boy that I met December of 2023 and that I hugged for the first time in June. I will never smell him again and lay on his belly.

I won’t live out those experiences that I dreamed up of living with him. All of that gets locked into a storage with all that could’ve been and will never be revealed.

I’m left with just the memories of 1 beautiful week that we lived together. The summer he met the love of his life. I’ll be a story for his future. Not his life partner.

And as for me. I think I finally learned my lesson. I think I finally understood that this life is for me. For me alone. Everything else is outside of my realm I can enjoy it but not own it.

[elchatojay88]

I hate the ambivalence of not knowing what to do in regards to my relationship. I love him with all my heart that’s not in question.

The problem is I have so many sexual issues and insecurities. I am a world of issues. I don’t think I can be a good partner to him , but I also feel that maybe if I give him up I’m gonna regret it. Because I’m gonna be resentful that another man will get to enjoy him

Furthermore I’m gonna be always wondering if I gave up the only man that actually stood beside me regardless of all my issues. I don’t know if anyone else will.

And lastly. I’m scared that I’m gonna do so much for him thinking he’s the only one that will love me, and the whole time he’s just playing me and just wanted papers. And once he has then his attitude toward me will change and I’ll still end up alone.

And he will unlock my biggest trigger of not being chosen. Of him being it for me and him also not wanting me but wanting someone else.

How do I convince myself that I’m the one that he wants. I’m scared to do so, he’s so young and hot and talented. And how am I gonna stand alone after that? It would hurt so bad to lose him. I’d be completely alone.

[elchatojay88]

I feel so ambivalent about my relationship.

A part of me does believe he loves me. But a part of me tells me that he’s a liar and he’s living a double life

And I don’t know if I can trust him.

But I also feel like maybe I’m trying to avoid something that’s supposed to help me. Maybe it’s for my personal development. Maybe I need this to learn to stand on my own.

I’m scared. I feel like I’m worthless. And he validates my existence. I love him. At least I think I do.

I wish for the best. I feel like this is something that is supposed to happen. However it works out.

[elchatojay88]

I feel like I started this year with a whole group of friends and a boyfriend. And I ended up with no friends and a boyfriend that cheated on me and left me and came back.

And now we’re here. Not really knowing how to trust him. Learning day by day what it means to trust again. Anxiety filled days and nights.

I love him so much. I didn’t think I would allow myself to love like that again. I thought I knew better. But I couldn’t help it. I fell like I fell from grace. I can’t imagine the pain I would feel if he told me he’s done with this relationship. I have to gain myself back. I have to be able to stand on my own again without being afraid of being alone.

It’s not healthy to love someone this much. I’m just so scared all the time. It is slowly destroying me everyday. But I don’t want to let it go because then I’ll be completely alone. I miss him so much. He knew that leaving me would make me crazy about him. He created a love triangle that I can’t escape.

The only way I can show my love to him is through material things. And it’s gonna affect my finances. But I just can’t step away from him. I don’t wanna start all over again. I want him. I want to share my life with him. But I’m scared of who he will become after we get married and he gets what he wants.

And it will be too late for me to do retribution.

[elchatojay88]

Judgment free zone lol. I’m talking to Domenico again. I still don’t trust him but I’m being undisciplined. I need the validation I need the attention.

And with the way things are going I don’t know when I will die. I don’t know how much longer I have in this life and if for now he is giving me what I need. Why should I push that away. I don’t know if my feelings for him are true love. But I feel something. And I feel a little void inside of me fill every time we talk. And right now that’s what I need.

My life is full of voids which is why I feel I get addicted to things so easily. The void fillers are my vice. And I think that’s what I’m doing with him. I don’t know if he’s telling me the truth about having broken up with that dude but. What can I do? There’s no way for me to be absolutely certain so I just have to take his word for it.

God knows what the future holds and I’m not exactly one to forge my future. I don’t know how to do that. I want to learn. I have a focal point. Which is to better myself. To become a complete man so I don’t have to be afraid of people leaving me.

And to know I’m worthy of love. That someone can actually love me. So we’ll see for now. We have what we have.

[elchatojay88]

It’s been about a week since I blocked Domenico on everything after I realized that he was acting the same way he acted the day he broke up with me.

I think he understood that I wasn’t going to make the same effort to go see him and to essentially give him what he wanted, which was to marry me so I could get him papers.

He realized that I wasn’t gonna just hand that to him on a silver platter, and he chose the easier way out. Which was to get back with that dude from Ulm. Who is a chemist and who no doubtedly can do a lot more for him than I could financially. And who can eventually seek political asylum from the US because he’s Cuban and then eventually get Domenico the papers. It’s a longer process but one more convenient for him.

The truth in that is that maybe that dude is willing to pay for the life of Domenico. Maybe he wants to pay for his love. And the fact of that matter is I don’t wanna be that man. I want to be taken care of. I want to be loved and protected. I want to relax and feel safe with my husband.

And being with Domenico. I had to be the bread maker. I had to be the protector. Maybe he doesn’t mind spending all of his money on Domenico, but for me. It would’ve felt like I’m being taken advantage of. Because what would he ever give me? Ass? And dick? lol. I didn’t even find him that attractive.

I did grow fond of him not going to lie. I feel like I maybe even got to love him, but there was no sexual desire. No passion. And without that it’s really hard for me to do much effort without feeling used.

He’s going to say “oh you broke ass man couldn’t support me, couldn’t give me papers”. Couldn’t give him the “life he deserves”. But why does he deserve that life? Why would I have to work super hard to give him a great life. And for him to cheat on me? Because a dog is always a dog so let’s face it, eventually he would’ve cheated on me as he did when he wasn’t getting sex.

Im sad because im left standing in front of the mirror. Unable to look away. I have to now look at my pathetic life every single day without the hope for something better.

But maybe that’s what I need. I need a dose of my reality so I can finally get the eff up and do something about it. Give myself the life I want.

My mother loves me but she’s my worse enemy. She’s the one that likes to keep me lame and humbled so I never leave her side. But it also makes me miserable and unaccomplished. Maybe I can finally not look away and do something about it.

Domenico was a beautiful experience that allowed me to go to Europe. Something I’ve wanted to do for years and I probably would have never done it had it not been for him. The universe has a way of giving me things the least way I expect them. But it gives it to me. And I enjoyed it so much. It was a beautiful week with him. Whether or not it meant the same for him. My reality is what matters. And in my world. It was a beautiful memory.